Is he going to finally decide?

[Ladydrib]

Like many others I've fallen into a not so pleasant place - in love with a married man. He also loved me very much. He did not want to end. But I spent my time to answer the question, was I willing to have a real and committed relationship with him. My answer was yes. Even though it would be a rough road ahead of us. I did not approve of our situation, however it is where we found ourselves, so decisions had to be made towards resolution. I shared my decision with him, and told him I expected him to make a decision as well, even if it was to say goodbye. In total we spent nearly ever day together for just over a year. Then I waited no longer. It took a few tries before I stuck to my strength in walking away. The first couple times he contacted me to tell me how often he thought of me or how much he missed me. A couple times I went back to him, even without coaxing. It was so hard to let go. He never committed to being together, but dreamed with me, and asked questions such as "why were we brought together" he maintained that he believed it was fate and that we would be together. Without going into too much detail, his reason for indecision was that he has a house full of adult children whom he was supporting. Well, he never discussed plans to help them get on their own feet, so seemed to me that he was content to not change. So I finally gave him a unwavering goodbye. In the past goodbyes, i had told him to chose. This time I simply said goodbye. Also told him, that i loved him and that I did not 'want' to say goodbye. So it's been 3 weeks now (never before have we gone longer than a couple days of NC) I will never initiate contact with him again. And I believe my expectation of "all or nothing" is completely clear to him. Before our goodbye, He still maintained that this is not the last we'd see of each other. He also tried to get me interested in continuing only the emotional affair, but i said no. Anyway, I'm now doing my best to move forward, and feeling better each day, but I'd love to hear opinions of what he may be thinking. I.e. Did he give up? Is he finally digging inside himself to make a decision? Should I expect he will contact me again?*

[whichwayisup]

If you want to be in his life, then you need to accept that you'll always be the OW. He is OK with having an affair with you, that's it. He has no intention of ending his marriage. His words and his actions are and have shown you this.

 

Chances are high he WILL contact you again, but not for the reasons you're hoping for. He will want to resume the A.

 

I hope you that you continue to be strong and work hard to get over him so you can find love with someone who will love ONLY you.

[2sunny]

For YOUR best interest - I hope you never hear from him or see him again.

 

Never settle! You deserve the beat - and he's not that!

[SBC]

My guy was like that. He was supporting an adult child, and deep down he knew it was wrong for him to do that --both for himself and for her. But he did not know how to change it because it had been that way for so long. And he certainly could not change the way it was over night. First he had to accept that the situation needed changing, and then he had to figure out how to change it, and then finally, he had to implement those changes.

 

Not easy, or quick.

 

It took almost three years for him to figure out how to change his life enough so he was free to move on in his own direction. (he recently moved out of his marital home to his own apartment --leaving both his W and his adult child in the home)

 

So, in regards to your man --what do you think he is doing? Does he seem sincerely interested in changing his life? Does he recognize that it is not healthy for anyone to be supporting adult children? Where is his head?

 

I think answering some of these questions will give you some answers

Edited June 30, 2012 by SBC

[MissBee]

Like many others I've fallen into a not so pleasant place - in love with a married man. He also loved me very much. He did not want to end. But I spent my time to answer the question, was I willing to have a real and committed relationship with him. My answer was yes. Even though it would be a rough road ahead of us. I did not approve of our situation, however it is where we found ourselves, so decisions had to be made towards resolution. I shared my decision with him, and told him I expected him to make a decision as well, even if it was to say goodbye. In total we spent nearly ever day together for just over a year. Then I waited no longer. It took a few tries before I stuck to my strength in walking away. The first couple times he contacted me to tell me how often he thought of me or how much he missed me. A couple times I went back to him, even without coaxing. It was so hard to let go. He never committed to being together, but dreamed with me, and asked questions such as "why were we brought together" he maintained that he believed it was fate and that we would be together. Without going into too much detail, his reason for indecision was that he has a house full of adult children whom he was supporting. Well, he never discussed plans to help them get on their own feet, so seemed to me that he was content to not change. So I finally gave him a unwavering goodbye. In the past goodbyes, i had told him to chose. This time I simply said goodbye. Also told him, that i loved him and that I did not 'want' to say goodbye. So it's been 3 weeks now (never before have we gone longer than a couple days of NC) I will never initiate contact with him again. And I believe my expectation of "all or nothing" is completely clear to him. Before our goodbye, He still maintained that this is not the last we'd see of each other. He also tried to get me interested in continuing only the emotional affair, but i said no. Anyway, I'm now doing my best to move forward, and feeling better each day, but I'd love to hear opinions of what he may be thinking. I.e. Did he give up? Is he finally digging inside himself to make a decision? Should I expect he will contact me again?*

 

While I can't know with 100% accuracy what's in his head, based on what you've said and my own experience, no it does not seem that he is "finally digging inside himself to make a decision". There is no digging necessary, he already made his choice. He already made his decision as you've already realized and he's shown time and again. You yourself have pointed out the matter of his adult kids he supports etc and how he seems to have zero plans to leave because of this...which is the strangest reason of all. I understand babies or under aged children as a viable excuse...but adults?

 

He probably will contact you again...but it will probably be like all the other times: to say he misses you, it is fate, you are meant to be....as he sits on his laurels doing nothing to help "fate" along.

 

As I read your story it reminded me of my former AP and what I realized about him, when you said: " He never committed to being together, but dreamed with me". It is sad yet hilarious, as my AP, and many MM do this, even single ones too. They have no plans of growing the relationship, whether it is something they are doing maliciously or not, yet they enjoy the dreaming, the future-faking, the discussions and talks of the future....as that is fun and safe and fantasy. Many of us have done this at one point or another. Imagining and dreaming are fun, relaxing, easy things to do...it takes you away from the now. Yet making dreams a reality is another thing. My AP would dream with me as well....yet when I was done dreaming and all excited to do REAL things to change our relationship, his hands were tied and he didn't even pretend as though he was trying hard to untie them. Your MM reads the exact same way. My former AP still contacted me from time to time, up to late last year/early this year (which has been 4 years later)....and you know what, NOTHING has changed. There is still no substance and he was still willing to have an emotional affair and dream on. I showed him the door promptly.

 

I'm happy that you've taken a stand for yourself. It's not easy, especially when you care for someone and you want things to be different. But sitting waiting forever is worse, way worse! Be honest and firm with yourself about what you truly want and need...and you've been abundantly clear with him about it. Don't settle for less than it. As time goes by it will become more apparent how little this MM is actually investing and how much more you want...and I'm sure as you leave him behind and work on yourself and grow from this experience, something much better will come along. If he ever does make a different decision, and a decision for your relationship, then I'm sure "fate" will have it that he finds you....but sitting around waiting with him in limbo is pointless IMO.

Edited June 30, 2012 by MissBee

[Ladydrib]

 

So, in regards to your man --what do you think he is doing? Does he seem sincerely interested in changing his life? Does he recognize that it is not healthy for anyone to be supporting adult children? Where is his head?

 

 

I think he is either respecting me enough to let me go because he has realized he cannot change his life or he is in fact testing what life will be like without me to make a decision. He did seem truly interested in changing his life, but very conflicted with the risks and about making irreversible changes. He does realize the kids (ages 25-30) will be leaving eventually. I believe he's conflicted there too. He spends a great deal of time with them. Has a great relationship with them. He had a hard time when the first one left home. So, I believe he would like them there forever, but realizes they will eventually want their own lives.

[Ladydrib]

I honestly believe he's always been trying to buy time until the kids are ready to leave. I think he wanted to then see if he could be happy with his wife, which I think he believes will never happen again. But he wants to get there before making a final decision. But I'm not sitting on a bench hoping he will get that all sorted out and choose me. That could go on for years from what I've been reading. I do love him very much. So it is hard. But I just have to keep moving forward. I know each day will get easier. I still want to know what he might be thinking/feeling though. But I am sticking firmly to NOT contacting him. My wall is up. I simply won't do it again.

[SBC]

If you wont do it again why do you care what he thinks?

[Ladydrib]

If you wont do it again why do you care what he thinks?

 

Just because you decide letting go is the best thing, does not mean you stop caring. I still want him - just not an affair.

 

If I made it clear what I want, and I am the one to go back, then I'm only accepting an affair and going backwards. But I still care. And I still want to hear other's opinions or advice, especially since I no longer can talk to him. It helps with healing.

[MissBee]

Just because you decide letting go is the best thing, does not mean you stop caring. I still want him - just not an affair.

 

If I made it clear what I want, and I am the one to go back, then I'm only accepting an affair and going backwards. But I still care. And I still want to hear other's opinions or advice, especially since I no longer can talk to him. It helps with healing.

 

I understand and this is true.

 

Just because you decide to let go or know the situation is not for the best, it doesn't make ending it easy. But the time apart and the time to see him do/not do what he says he supposedly wants will help you to get more secure in your decisions AND in the reality of the situation.

 

Keep posting here and processing things and in time you will be able to be more detached and objective and it does help with healing from this.

[Ladydrib]

And I do believe he really wants to leave. I believe though that he feels very wrong about it. He's been with the same woman for almost his entire life. I understand it because I'm in the same position (except I have no children) but I've stayed in an unhappy marriage for 15 years out of obligation and commitment. I've worked through the years to try to improve my marriage but never making any progress. I have come to realize that the things I need to change are not going to ever change. I also now realize that if I stay married, that I have to completely accept that I am staying and the problems will remain. With this, I'm likely going to divorce, because I cannot live this way, and the fact that I've now had an affair is proof that I cannot. Anyway, I do believe my ap is in a similar position. The differences are three things: 1. He's older. 2. They have deeper roots (kids, time). 3. From what we've discussed, it does not sound as though he's communicated his relationship issues with his wife.

[Ladydrib]

He is OK with having an affair with you, that's it. He has no intention of ending his marriage. His words and his actions are and have shown you this.

 

.

 

Thank you for your reply. I hope I continue with my strength too.

 

Regarding his words, they have not in any way made it clear that he is okay with an affair. He's always said it is not a long term solution, that he is not okay with it, and that he wanted resolution too. He flip flops between saying things that state we will be together (I.e. Discussing whether or not to have kids, where to live, his ideas of how to move forward, his discussion with a friend who had left his wife and never regretted his decision, etc.). Those examples are just a few that come to mind. There have been many more. But he has always said he is not ready yet. Never has said that he will be for sure, or when. But I get many mixed words.

[2sunny]

I wouldn't see or speak to him until his D is FINAL - because he may never actually change things.

 

Having "kids" that old living at home shows HE hasn't been encouraging them to grow up and be independent - which would be healthy for these adult kids.

 

At best - you describe a codependent man - which is never healthy.

[SarahRose]

You know deep down this is a lost cause.

 

If he did divorce, the last thing a man will do is make a commitment to someone else right away. They want their freedom for awhile.

 

For some reason we don't know he has raised lazy children who won't fend for themselves. This would remain a problem too as you can guarantee the door will be revolving with them.

[delirious]

I think it is quite common for someone in a loveless marriage to smother the children after adulthood. If he keeps them at home, then he does not have to be alone with the wife. I would think this is a pattern of behaviour for people who can't face the reality of their marriage. But yes, who is to say they will ever face the reality of divorce. I have the same problem.

[SBC]

I think it is quite common for someone in a loveless marriage to smother the children after adulthood. If he keeps them at home, then he does not have to be alone with the wife. I would think this is a pattern of behaviour for people who can't face the reality of their marriage. But yes, who is to say they will ever face the reality of divorce. I have the same problem.

 

 

This is what happened with my guy. And it took a long time, and his willingness to understand why this isnt a good thing (plus therapy with a qualified therapist) to work though it all.

 

I dont know about any of you, but I always thought my guy was worth the effort of going through it. It was never easy, and many times I felt like giving up and walking away. But, now that he has figured a lot of it out, and has finally moved on, it is amazing. The transformation in him (and in his adult child) has been a joy to watch unfold and something I am grateful to have been a part of.

[scatterd]

Are you sure his kids live with him or is he just helping them? I dont think you would be happy with a man that has older children whom would give you

greif for cheating with Dad.He has a close bond with his kids and I bet he cares what they think. Have you thought about this? I wish you happiness

and have seen many mariages not work with broken familys.

[Ladydrib]

This is what happened with my guy. And it took a long time, and his willingness to understand why this isnt a good thing (plus therapy with a qualified therapist) to work though it all.

 

I dont know about any of you, but I always thought my guy was worth the effort of going through it. It was never easy, and many times I felt like giving up and walking away. But, now that he has figured a lot of it out, and has finally moved on, it is amazing. The transformation in him (and in his adult child) has been a joy to watch unfold and something I am grateful to have been a part of.

 

My guy is definitely worth it too, but he has not taken any actions in that direction. When we talk about it he says he is not ready yet, but he never said he'd be ready for sure. I asked him what needed to change first and how long did he see that taking. He told me he'd answer later and never did. I'd think if he were serious he'd be more on top of communicating these things with me. Not sure any of it matters now that I called it off. AND it has been three weeks and I havent heard a peep out of him he used to send me notes saying he missed me when we tried to break it off. Not so this time. I do know he would not say goodbye. And one of the last things I said to him (before our goodbye) was "why does he bother to talk to me at all?" his answer was that he felt closer to me than anyone. And when I said goodbye, I told him I loved him and that I didn't want to stop talking but I had to. And all he said was that I was the love of his life. We have not spoken a word since. I'm so empty without him. I do want to be with him, and I think that if I stayed he could go on like that forever. I'm hoping that with me gone it will make him take action. But I realize it's a good chance he will just go back to coping with an unhappy marriage and let go of me. Any thoughts SBC? I'd love to hear your take on all if this. I'm lost and heartbroken.

[Ladydrib]

Are you sure his kids live with him or is he just helping them? I dont think you would be happy with a man that has older children whom would give you

greif for cheating with Dad.He has a close bond with his kids and I bet he cares what they think. Have you thought about this? I wish you happiness

and have seen many mariages not work with broken familys.

 

Thank you. He and I have talked about which kids would react in what ways. We have had lots of conversations about that type of thing. I could deal with whatever they had to throw at me while they deal with the news. I would not expect that they wouldn't be mad. And I am patient and understanding.

[Owl]

Thank you. He and I have talked about which kids would react in what ways. We have had lots of conversations about that type of thing. I could deal with whatever they had to throw at me while they deal with the news. I would not expect that they wouldn't be mad. And I am patient and understanding.

 

But...they may not be.

 

They may NEVER come to accept you. How would the two of you handle that situation?

 

But, regardless of that, I think you've already answered your own initial question.

 

We tell everyone who comes here to look at his actions...what do his actions tell you?

 

You've already identified that his actions do NOT indicate that he's going to leave.

 

It sounds to me like you've put your life on hold during the last three weeks. It sounds as though you're still sitting there, waiting for him to change, take action, and come to you telling you that he's ready to leave her and start his life with you.

 

That's not moving on. That's not finding your own life.

 

I personally don't believe he's going to change, although I do believe he's going to call you and try to resume the affair. You need to focus on you...IF he calls you back and SHOWS actions that indicate he's leaving to be with you...then you consider making changes...but not before.

[2sunny]

More than likely he realized you had demands he didn't want to be bothered with.

 

And he's probably looking for your replacement - that's why he's quiet. He needs a gal that expects nothing except a sex partner.

 

Why aren't you telling his W?

[Ladydrib]

More than likely he realized you had demands he didn't want to be bothered with.

 

And he's probably looking for your replacement - that's why he's quiet. He needs a gal that expects nothing except a sex partner.

 

Why aren't you telling his W?

 

I fully believe this is not the case. There is a lot more to my story than what's been discussed. And I would never tell his wife. I would want him to make that decision on his own.

[yeah]

This.

 

More than likely he realized you had demands he didn't want to be bothered with.

 

And he's probably looking for your replacement - that's why he's quiet. He needs a gal that expects nothing except a sex partner.

 

These MM with their lame fantasy future talk (how many kids, where we we live etc.) Men usually don't talk like that unless if they're trying to illicit sex, or continued sex.

 

Just based on other OW's testimonials and my own past experience, I feel like MM equate, "How many babies do you want to have when we move into our happy home with a white picket fence and two baby puppies" = talking dirty to women.

 

For some reason they come across as being so sensitive and deep during the A, but once you break that Spell, once you are done feeling sad, defeated and angry, I promise you will be laughing at him and his moronic words/phrases/promises/bait for years to come.

[Ladydrib]

I would agree with you but he knows I don't want kids. I do agree I'll look back on this and roll my eyes. He's also the one that started the "I love you" nonsense. And let's be together bs. I am not that type so I'm not sure how I started thinking that way. Perhaps he is an excellent brainwasher.

[2sunny]

If his words haven't matched his actions - then he's just the common liar.