aussie mum Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 So, my husband has moved out (I asked him to leave) and I am not quite sure of the steps to take now. I was going to continue this on my original thread but it was easier to start a new one. Things came to a head when I discoverd he had been deleting inappropriate texts from her - leading to my H telling me that he was in love with her and had talked to her about this - to which she reciprocated. He maintains that it does not mean that he loves me any less, nor that he wants a life with her. I am looking for practical ways of rebuilding here. He thinks the answer is to come back home and show me. I can't do this, not yet and regardless of the reality of his illness. I have no trust or faith in him anymore. How do I get past this?
BetrayedH Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 So, my husband has moved out (I asked him to leave) and I am not quite sure of the steps to take now. I was going to continue this on my original thread but it was easier to start a new one. Things came to a head when I discoverd he had been deleting inappropriate texts from her - leading to my H telling me that he was in love with her and had talked to her about this - to which she reciprocated. He maintains that it does not mean that he loves me any less, nor that he wants a life with her. I am looking for practical ways of rebuilding here. He thinks the answer is to come back home and show me. I can't do this, not yet and regardless of the reality of his illness. I have no trust or faith in him anymore. How do I get past this? Wait and see if he proves himself to you. Sometimes this is a wake up call. Sometimes it takes a while. It may not happen. If you're ready for him to come home, you'll know. If he's going to her, you're not even started. From the accounts I have read, you may very well detach the longer he is away and discover that the dread you had over being alone will be replaced by a sense of peace with him being gone. He pushed his luck one too many times and couldn't be in a worse spot (well, except for that soft landing he arranged for himself). Keep posting and getting feedback about whether what he is doing is sufficient to justify another shot at home. Sadly, it takes time to heal either way. I spent 7 months trying to reconcile with my WW and have been separated/divorcing for another 7. Still think about it most of everyday.
Steen719 Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I remember how hard you tried to think the best of him while you were trying to figure out what to do about him and your "best" friend. That lying to your face is hard to get over and you bent over backwards trying to be fair to him. He and your best friend have been on a track to this for quite a while and have knowingly destroyed both of your families. I think I remember that you did MC, right? So, was he lying to the therapist, also? You do need some time away from him to get some perspective on this. Coming back from no trust is very difficult and he has not made it easier for you by spending months lying about this to you. Do you want to stay married to him? Do you know? What has her husband said...have you talked to him?
whichwayisup Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 So, my husband has moved out (I asked him to leave) and I am not quite sure of the steps to take now. I was going to continue this on my original thread but it was easier to start a new one. Things came to a head when I discoverd he had been deleting inappropriate texts from her - leading to my H telling me that he was in love with her and had talked to her about this - to which she reciprocated. He maintains that it does not mean that he loves me any less, nor that he wants a life with her. I am looking for practical ways of rebuilding here. He thinks the answer is to come back home and show me. I can't do this, not yet and regardless of the reality of his illness. I have no trust or faith in him anymore. How do I get past this? As long as he says he's in love with her, there's no point in even trying to salvage or fix your marriage. He has no guts, no balls to make a decision. So, you make it for him. Good for you for kicking him out.. Though I am sorry that you're hurting, you certainly don't deserve this. What a selfish prick he is to do this to you. IF you take him back, he has to go to therapy and marriage counselling so he can fix himself and prove to you that he IS worthy of a chance with you. He has to be in total NC with her and that A has to be completely over. And he has to be remorseful, truly regretting hurting and betraying you. What is his illness? 1
Artie Lang Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 without NC, you have no chance. sorry to be so blunt, but it's true.
YellowShark Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 The old "I love her but I still love you" line. Yawn. The translation is you are plan "B" and she is still plan "A." My advice is move on. You don't needs his baggage and you aren't his emotional pillow. A real man who deserves your love wouldn't have cheated in the first place.
Spark1111 Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I would stay separated and stay busy focusing on you. You need to inform her H that they are still in contact and the nature of the texts. Aussie mim, the gloves have to come off now. Does her H know? You need to read up on executing the 180. Five kids? Jeez... you need to have some fun in your life. Pleaase only speak to him of the kids, when necessary. Otherwise, do not make yourself available for long talks. Refuse to talk of "us" other than to tell him you hope he and she enjoy their relationship, but since you gave him a chance and he has continued his sexting with her, you are moving on to find a man who RESPECTS you and treats you like a queen. He can see the kids with enough notice whenever he wants to...then do not be home to see him. You need to be less understanding, grow a backbone, and tell him to p@ss off because you are so worth it. Then ACT it, because you are. Does her H know? Send the sexts to him too. He deserves to know. 2
GLDheart Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 ....I have no trust or faith in him anymore. How do I get past this? It's cliche but you get past this: "One day at a time". It will be Three full months tomorrow since DDay and me kicking my EX out and going no contact. I actually played 18 holes of golf today and barely thought of my EX. Other women are now attractive to me in "that way" and I am looking forward to dating again soon. He needs to make a clear and resolute choice.... and the clock will be ticking. Before he knows it you WILL HEAL. You will be ANGRY at him. You simply may not want him anymore. If he comes to his senses fast enough maybe he can begin to show you the honesty and transparency that can begin to build a new trust. If he takes too long you may just have a new handsome man vying for your affection. A Man that has not wronged you to the core.
Author aussie mum Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Ugh, so many confusing emotions and conflicting ideas. GLDheart - thanks and I hear what you are saying and GOOD ON YOU, for geting where you are today. Rebuilding trust is super hard. Spark1111 - as per usual you make lots of sense.I do have fun - is something I am good at. Went out with my wider family - childfree - on the weekend and had a blast. It is killing my husband. He is so broken. He just never thought we would end up here. He lived in denial about everything for so long and asking him to leave has just made him realise how much he wants it. And is prepared to fight for it too. The thing that concerns me is that saying all the right things and living them are very different . . . . Yellowshark - Eeeekkk hard to hear and once upon a time that is what I believed too. Hurts to be plan B Reboot & Artie - Am hearing you. Clearly a requisite for me to even consider reconciliation. He knows this and had (?) decided that was the path he needed to take before he disclosed his feelings for her to me. Whichwayisup - He has recently been diagnosed with kidney disease, meaning big lifestyle changes and dialysis/transplant in the future. He is so sorry about the destruction he has caused and the hurt he sees me suffering. He is so much more lost than I am right now. He has started IC and MC is something we are both willing to try. Steen719 - Its the trust thing that will break me. I fought all my instincts the past 9 months, wanting to believe in the best of him, of her. I don't know how to rebuild from that. Do I want to? I do, I married him because I wanted to share my life with him. I wanted to grow old with him. Do I deserve better? Yes I do, absolutely. The question is, can he be that? BetrayedH - Sorry for what you are going through. Thanks for your advice - it makes sense and I like what you had to say. Yesterday was our 13th wedding anniversary. Tough gig. My family now know what I am going through and needless to say my H is not popular at the moment. Its going to be a long road back. He has also told his family his side of the story - which is a huge step in my book as his family are/can be very judgemental and unrealistic. Strong religious values and the like all at play but he told them. As mentioned above he is going to continue with IC, has agreed to MC and we have put down some goals for the future - Personally, familywise and marriage goals, broken down into weekly, monthly and long term. I guess I felt this gave us something tangible, measureable and holds us both accountable. While he did what he did I have not been an innocent bystander and will accept that it is not entirely his fault that our marriage is where it is today. In terms of her, I have not talked to her and I don't want to. I know she will downplay my feelings and try to rationalise everything. I don't need that in my life. She is no friend of mine (hurt as it might that she was my best, closest friend). Her H will continue to live in his bubble believing her justifications and explanations. He has tried to offer me support but as I told him the only thing I am going to do is cause him grief and make him question everything she says to him. Have I spelt out ALL of the sorry details? No, and I don't intend to. I don't have the energy for that and quite frankly I have no interest in their life or marriage. Given our children are best friends I am going to have to interact with them (coupled with the fact I teach their children, coach their kids etc). I need to figure out a way that I can do that without hurting myself further. He still wants to work on this at home. Doesn't see how we can achieve anything apart. Thinks if he is not here I don't deal with anything (because I look as though I am coping fine - which should not come as much of a surprise really because I am capable and more often than not parent my children by myself given his work/sporting committments!) Maybe I don't deal with things, I don't really know. I know that I am thinking about it a lot and constantly looking at ways forward. BUT when he isn't here, things are more settled and stable for me emotionally.
Artie Lang Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) as sad as it may seem, you really need to purge these toxic people from your life- including their kids. i realize that their friendship is at stake- and they are innocent -but your sanity is at stake also. you must distance yourself little-by-little. she seems unrepentant, and is gaslighting her own husband.....making you look bad by minimizing the situation. she's showing her TRUE colors. your husband on ther other hand needs to MAN-UP! he needs to stop feeling sorry for himself and start doing some heavy lifting here. you're doing the best you can, aussie. Edited July 4, 2012 by Artie Lang
seren Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Aussie, sorry all this is happening to you, at least you have the truth of it now. Just one question. has he stopped seeing, texting or whatever'ing the OW? You may have said so and I have missed it.
Leigh 87 Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 You will be happier with a man who loves you and does NOT love someone else, in the long run. You will still have your kids. Your kids will grow up, and they would not have wanted you to settle for a man who loves another women, when you could find a man who only loves YOU. Come on, would you want your best friend to settle for a man who loved someone else besides her, when she could find a man who ONLY loves her? Leaving him for good is the best thing to do, but also the hardest thing to do short term..... Even staying with him and working on things wil be hard!!!!!!!!!!!! It will NEVER be the same after the cheating. NEVER. He loves another women, it is different once your spouse loves someone else. Love and relationships are stronger if you only love the one person; sure, love waxes and wanes, some people even claim to fall in and out of love during VERY long partnerships..... Some people do get lucky, though, and find lasting love, with a person who safe guards their relationships to such an extent, that they do not fall for people that they feel could potentially trigger love.
GLDheart Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Aussie Mum, You seem like a well rounded person with a good grasp on what he did to you. He will be a lucky man to get another shot at winning you back. I like that he has been honest with his family. That is HUGE if you are going to have a life together moving forward. My only reservation is that a drug addict will do anything to get back at thier drug (you) when they suffer from withdrawals. But once he gets what he wants, how will he act then? Will he know go underground and try to get his "other fix"? I'm sorry to make you think of this. But after seeing what a loved one (my ex) is capable of, I am just so cautious now.
Author aussie mum Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 GLDheart - Don't be sorry that is the one thing that I just don't know how to get a grasp on, knowing that contact will be reintiated at some point in time. That is will start with "I miss you" and be reciprocated, then a drink (no issues with that right, its just a drink') and things are going well for us so no need to say anything as there is nothing to say . . . and we start all over again. Blergh! Leigh87 - I hear what you are saying. I do deserve all of that. Can this monumental stuff up be the wake up call for him to realise what he is risking? I don't know the answer to that. I know it is really hard to hear and that I will take an awful lot of convincing, probably over a long period of time. Seren - No more catching up, still texting - above board. He says that she is the only support he has while he is out of home. So no, not complete NC yet. AL - to think of you pushing me early on . . . . but to still have your words of advice is reassuring! You play hard - much harder than I clearly can. You make sense though and thanks, I'm trying! And little by little is the key for me too, I believe. You have nailed your understanding of her tho! Mrs Self Preservation. You know what though, I do really miss her friendship. Warped huh!
seren Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Aussie Mum, if he is still texting her even to look for support, then it should stop. Sorry, but until he is totally NC, then I don't see how you both can even begin to make things right. I admire your patience and your wanting him to have support from someone, but, frankly, there is no way on this planet or the next that I could move on with that happening. Until he cuts her off completely, I don't see how it can be seen as reconciliation, sorry, but it's just my view. I wish you peace. x
Spark1111 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Aussie Mum, if he is still texting her even to look for support, then it should stop. Sorry, but until he is totally NC, then I don't see how you both can even begin to make things right. I admire your patience and your wanting him to have support from someone, but, frankly, there is no way on this planet or the next that I could move on with that happening. Until he cuts her off completely, I don't see how it can be seen as reconciliation, sorry, but it's just my view. I wish you peace. x I agree with Seren. it is NOT reconciliation until he goes completely NC with this woman. It's an emotional affair still... And I think you are right to have him out of the house. He needs to prove he is trustworthy and willing to fight for the marriage. When my H finally told her to stop calling and texting him, she was devastated they could not still be friends. No, you cannot, because that is still an EA. Sharing a friendship, intimacy, support...whatever...with someone not your spouse, when you should be putting all that time and effort into sharing your feelings WITH your spouse, is still an EA. When my H finally stopped any and all communication with his OW, is when I FELT him turn toward me and the marriage. I FELT the commitment and resolve. And I still think you should keep all the recent texts and emails and continue to send them to her H. If he continues to keep his head up his ar#e, so be it.
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