misskai Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Boyfriend of just about three years of so much is going through so much stress. His grandmother is sick with Cancer and has a limited amount of time to live since December, and he just found out that his mom is sick with the AIDs virus. We both had our losses outside and within our relationship during our time but I have always loved him. We've gone through lies and fights. This year alone, I have had two miscarriages (which is very hurtful to me still). We have a lot behind us and I have learned how to put those things behind us, for the most part. However, because I have been lied to by him twice about things that were so demeaning when I found out but would've been trivial if he would have admitted earlier, I had issues trusting him. Nonetheless, I have continued to love him, be affectionate and caring. To cut a LONG story shorter... This past weekend we didn't speak all weekend. I told him to call me on Friday but he didn't. Monday was my rite of passage, something very important to me. He called me and I missed his call because I was with my family and when I got home I went straight to bed. I woke up to texts from him saying to "answer the ****in phone" because he needed me. I called him ASAP and he told me the story of his mother and when he told me that he hung up on her because of how madd he was, I started to flip out on him. I told him how ungrateful he was for not trying to understand and embrace his mom while she is here. I guess the frustration was because (1) he did not call me all weekend and when he did call, he di not even congratulate me or ask how i was doing (2) I had to go to my cousin;s wake on the day of my rite of passage. I feel that he is inconsiderate b.c of what has gone on with my miscarriages and how he wasnt there when I was pregnant (which is why I stressed so much) and because he lets every probable loss effect us. At first, when he found out about his gma (same time I was going thru my first miscarriage), I was there for him. I am always one to please... whenever he needed ANYTHING. But now I feel like he is too pitiful to even deal with me. He is so stressed that a simple convo cud turn n2 an argument. I tried to help by letting him get some time alone and not calling or textin him unless it was to ask if he was okay. We got into an argument b.c I said I feel like my feelings are second and he is constantly in denial about anything I say that sounds bad in his name. I tried but there is but so much I could take. I have had nights of crying and tossing and turning while he was next to me but I have NEVER let him cry a second w.o me holding him or atleast reaching to caress him. He said that all I do is bring up the past when I say this but I am saying how I feel. I got so angry that I told him to mourn alone and that if he keeps bein so negative, he won't have S***. Then I said F u and he said f u back.
Balzac Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 No idea of your age but guessing early twenty something? Is this man the father of your miscarried babies? You must be feeling confident enough to create two lives with him. 1
Samilia Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 First I'm sorry about the loss of your babies, I know how it feels and miscarriages are hard to get over because most people will tell you "at least you didn't lose a real baby" (wtf??). Not a lot of support there. From reading your story that's the feeling that I get from it too, that your feelings come second. It also seems to me that he's still very much immature (how old are you guys?) and that you're the strong one in your relationship. Without knowing any more about your situation it's hard to give a real advice, but here is what comes to my mind.. I would personally take a step back and ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who doesn't support you, or his family. After all you need to count on him all the time, with the good and the bad. Do you love him or do you love the guy he was when you met? 1
Balzac Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Miscarriage is a three way loss. Loss of a child. Loss of dreams for your child and parenthood. Loss of confidence in your body and future confidence in holding your healthy baby. In addition to that miscarriage affects both parents. You have many losses in a short time period. I'm sorry to read of all that you are facing. How are you grieving these many losses? Who is supporting you as you heal yourself? 1
DuchessKaye Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I just went from happy to being sad after reading this post... I hope things improve soon, OP... 1
Samilia Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I just went from happy to being sad after reading this post... I hope things improve soon, OP... yeah it's a lot of losses at the same time.. I would need to take a step back to heal my wounds personally. 1
Balzac Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Do you have any idea of how to begin to heal yourself? Surely you cannot focus on him and his daemons, life challenges and drama while turning your focus inward to heal. 1
forgottenangel99 Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Wow, I feel bad considering I have never suffered a loss like that. I am pregnant by my ex and he is there for our child but you unfortunately didn't get any support after your losses!! I'm sorry hun, have you thought about counseling for yourself?? From the outside looking in it seems like you know this is not healthy for you. My best advice is to take everything day by day as it will get easier to get through no matter what. I don't know if you're religious or not but pray about it and you'll see yourself gaining the strength to hold your head high and walk the path that you desire in order to be happy. Happiness is a pursuit not a gift. Never forget that. Hope this helps, good luck!!! 1
Author misskai Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 No idea of your age but guessing early twenty something? Is this man the father of your miscarried babies? You must be feeling confident enough to create two lives with him. Yes. He is the father of the babies. I was because I see how he treats other kids. My little sister is about 12 years younger than me. He has taken on a great role in her life as a father figure/brother and she loves him and always says how much she misses him when he is gone.
Author misskai Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 First I'm sorry about the loss of your babies, I know how it feels and miscarriages are hard to get over because most people will tell you "at least you didn't lose a real baby" (wtf??). Not a lot of support there. From reading your story that's the feeling that I get from it too, that your feelings come second. It also seems to me that he's still very much immature (how old are you guys?) and that you're the strong one in your relationship. Without knowing any more about your situation it's hard to give a real advice, but here is what comes to my mind.. I would personally take a step back and ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who doesn't support you, or his family. After all you need to count on him all the time, with the good and the bad. Do you love him or do you love the guy he was when you met? Thanks Sam! Yea it did seem like that was also belittled. He is immature and he is a bit weak in every aspect. I don't say it to him much because men... they have these things called egos. He follows thru on what he says for a while until a nother issue arises and he has to fix something else, then I have to press reset all over again! What you say is true and I agree. Thank you!!
Balzac Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 You're dealing with a lot of stress and yet it seems as tho he has no qualms about seeking comfort from you. Do you ever think that perhaps you are giving this relationship life support you cannot sustain forever? Do you ever question your boundaries? 1
Author misskai Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 Miscarriage is a three way loss. Loss of a child. Loss of dreams for your child and parenthood. Loss of confidence in your body and future confidence in holding your healthy baby. In addition to that miscarriage affects both parents. You have many losses in a short time period. I'm sorry to read of all that you are facing. How are you grieving these many losses? Who is supporting you as you heal yourself? yes, it does affect each one us very (differently, but) much. He is full of regret for not being there for me but I am just hurt. I deal with all of this by keeping to myself, caring for myself, I basically try to keep busy and get lost n myself. I also may exercise and most importantly, I pray. We have prayed together and things have gotten a bit better, gradually but there are paradigms in relationships where there are new issues, ya kno?
Samilia Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Thanks Sam! Yea it did seem like that was also belittled. He is immature and he is a bit weak in every aspect. I don't say it to him much because men... they have these things called egos. He follows thru on what he says for a while until a nother issue arises and he has to fix something else, then I have to press reset all over again! What you say is true and I agree. Thank you!! That would drive me nuts too You have a lot to think about now.. can't tell you what to do, but I hope you find the best solution for your well being. 1
Author misskai Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 Wow, I feel bad considering I have never suffered a loss like that. I am pregnant by my ex and he is there for our child but you unfortunately didn't get any support after your losses!! I'm sorry hun, have you thought about counseling for yourself?? From the outside looking in it seems like you know this is not healthy for you. My best advice is to take everything day by day as it will get easier to get through no matter what. I don't know if you're religious or not but pray about it and you'll see yourself gaining the strength to hold your head high and walk the path that you desire in order to be happy. Happiness is a pursuit not a gift. Never forget that. Hope this helps, good luck!!! Yea it's sad. I didn't get any support when I needed it but once I stressed myself to a miscarriage, he wanted to be there. It really isn't healthy, I know. I pray and I believe that that's what has kept me so strong. Happiness is definitely a choice :-). I always say that and I thank u!! 1
DuchessKaye Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I know how you feel. I've been there Miscarriage. Rough relationship. Cursing each other back and forth. I genuinely don't wish this kind of crap to anyone. GoodLuck and keep hanging in there, MissKai... You are not alone on this. Hugs. 1
Author misskai Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 I know how you feel. I've been there Miscarriage. Rough relationship. Cursing each other back and forth. I genuinely don't wish this kind of crap to anyone. GoodLuck and keep hanging in there, MissKai... You are not alone on this. Hugs. awwwww, thak you so much Duchess
Recommended Posts