nevadagirl Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Seems to be pretty easy for him. I met this guy at a party in February. I was interested in him more than usual since I've been getting over the end of a 2 year relationship and that was refreshing. On the outside he seemed like a...free spirit hippie something or other but he was actually a pretty devout Christian. He's a musician and I liked a song he played and after the party I texted him about a copy of the song and a friendship started from there. We were both getting over the end of relationships and I think we enjoyed looking forward to talking with each other. It never developed into some intense love or anything but he became someone important to me and...I thought I was important to him too. We spoke pretty regularly for about a month and then I went up to visit him (he lives about 3 hours away) Discovered at that point that he didn't drive. He also lives with his parents. (He's 27 I'm 29) And that he doesn't have a regular job - he makes a little money playing shows but not enough to live off of. Um the visit was okay and sort of opened up the idea of a romance a little more. We spoke regularly after that for another month and we had plans for me to go back up there and visit again. But a few days before I'm supposed to go there he falls off the face of the earth. After some days of silence I finally text him and ask if he's mad or upset and he says he's fine just started taking some new medication and he's been depressed. We talked about whether or not I should go up there. He said as long as we "keep it friendly" it should be cool. (This bothered me because our friendship slash romance wasn't exactly PG, you know?) I go up there and it was a little awkward but I didn't initiate anything sexual. But HE did. He was all over me. Kissing. Hugging. Hand-holding. Other Things (but no sex!) Despite this sexual aspect of it, it still felt like on the phone we talked for hours and I felt like I knew him but in person there was a wall there. He'd also picked a weekend that he supposedly didn't have any shows booked and then he played a show every single day I was there. So I left early. So that trip sucked and I left not planning for us to be anything anymore except maybe casual friends. But he keeps calling and texting and the romantic part starts up again. Then he randomly drops off the planet again. After he decided to get back in touch I told him I felt we should just be friends. He seemed a little bothered by that, but said he understood and would accept my wishes. But then he was calling me and texting me all the time. And the romantic aspect starts to come back. 2 months go by. I don't intend to visit him. Then he randomly asks if he can come and visit me. I tell him of course I'd love to see him. He says he will let me know the next day if he was going to come next Friday so I'd know whether or not to take the time off of work. I hear nothing from him for about 4 days. At this point I'm really pissed. I finally break down and text him and ask him what's going on and why didn't he let me know one way or the other? He calls me shortly after and stammers some bizaare story about getting a job on Saturday and that he'd texted me and told me and never heard anything back from me so he just assumed I was mad. Which made me mad. Also this didn't fit the deeply empathetic person I'd come to know - I mean we talked a LOT over the past 5 months and there were a few times we'd have a little disagreement and he always either called or texted or vice versa because...that's what you do? when you care about someone? Right? You follow up if someone is upset? The end of the story - I fussed at him for a bit and told him he was very inconsiderate and that although maybe we shouldn't expect anything from each other as far as a romantic relationship as his FRIEND I felt I deserved a little more consideration than that. He just kept saying he was sorry and would be just as frustrated in my position. He asked if I would accept a call from him in a few days. I said I guess. Then we hung up and I texted him and said "Actually don't."I did that because I didn't want to feel like I was waiting to be remembered again. I didn't want any excuse to be waiting around for anyone. I'm so sick of that feeling. He called after that and left a rambly voicemail apologizing again and saying he felt upset and thinking back on our conversation he felt that spiritually he felt he'd sinned against me and yadda yadda words words words that mean nothing at all to me. What the hell is that? How come every time right before we hung out he'd get distant? I understand maybe he wasn't all that interested in me romantically but I really did think he thought of me as a friend. I feel so...dissed. I should add - I don't believe he ever texted me Saturday and I'm skeptical as to whether or not he got this job. And it shouldn't matter. I told him not to call me. And he won't. Self-esteem...not great right now.
lolita jade Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 You mentioned depression. Sounds like he may have bipolar???? They withdraw from contact. The distance won't help either. There will be a great guy out there for you. Don't get disheartened. If it did work out with him it would not have been for long anyway with all the negative things going against him. Sometimes these thngs happen for a reason or a learning curb and I think you have just learnt to be a bit more cautious about guys before you get too attached Having a relationship with someone with major depression is a very hard thing to do mentally yourself. Look forward and be determined to have a great life. Prove your ex and this guy you have a life without them.
Author nevadagirl Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 Thanks for your response, Lolita Jade. I hope you're right. It feels weird to proactively remove someone from my life when my usual pattern is to let myself continue to be mistreated. But I guess it's for the best. I'll miss my friend though. I did like talking to him. =(
lolita jade Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I know how you feel. When you are keen on someone it is hard to lose them. Do you feel like you want to help him and change him???? Well, you can't. Been there and done that. Get out of his life before he drags you down with him. And consentrate on finding someone you don't have to change. There are some normal ones out there You will be much happier when you find him
TaraMaiden Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 (there are no normal ones out there.... it just depends to what degree of "Oh, Good Grief" you're prepared to go. ) 1
Author nevadagirl Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 Well see that's part of what bothers me...I didn't want to change him. He was a rare bird and so what? I have a job. I take care of myself. I didn't care what he did or how he lived. I just liked him - as a person. And I never tried to make him feel that how he lived wasn't okay. I made it known that I was happy to come visit. (3 hours is like, nothing to me. I love to drive and I grew up in the country where everything was always a long drive. It's just something I'm used to.) Maybe he wasn't okay with himself. I dunno. But inviting himself down to visit me and then not saying a damn word for days after that was very wrong though. And I think it was okay that I let him know that THAT wasn't okay.
Arabella Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I have to agree with someone else's suggestion that he sounds bipolar. I was involved with a bipolar guy for over a year and he would do exactly the same thing. It was a constant push/pull... he was distant, so I’d try my damnest to bring him back to me, but when that wouldn't work, I'd just withdraw... and then he would be all over me until I responded and the cycle would start again. He was also very inconsistent and would rarely follow through with calls and plans. I'd have to do all the work, which naturally didn't make me feel terribly appreciated. That is, of course, until I'd start to withdraw and he'd make just enough of an effort to bring me back. Your dynamic sounds very much like mine with this guy. It's not healthy. Whether he is interested in you romantically or not is a non-issue at this point. His mind is NOT in the right place for a relationship. Move on. -A
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