Shosh Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Hi, I think I am reading this right, but would love some opinions: I've been dating this guy for a few weeks (4 dates). On the dates we are having a good time and everything is nice, conversation flows easily and chemistry is there aplenty. Problem is when we are not together, namely the fact that I barely hear from him. Usually we go out on the weekend and then I don't hear from him until the Wednesday or Thursday after when he asks if I am free on Friday or Saturday. It bugs and confuses me that he does not seem to care about what I am up to during the week or just wants to hear my voice, but I read on here that some guys are like this in the early stages of a relationship, where they only text or call to set up dates and want to get to know the person face to face. So I am not happy with it, but I told myself to be patient and see if things change in a few weeks. (Before you suggest that I should initiate contact, let me tell you that I did this twice and his reply was always something like "I am busy right now, I'll call you in a few days." Which he did. So I stopped initiating contact. He seems to prefer to be the one to drive that bus.) Yesterday, he does his usual thing - we went out last Saturday and Sunday and I did not hear from him until yesterday morning when he asked if I wanted to go on a date this Friday. This is how the conversation went: Him: Hey, hope you are having a good week, do you want to go to dinner tomorrow? Me: Sure, where do you want to go? Him: I know 3 good places, restaurant A, B, and C. Me: They all sound nice, but I am not familiar with them. Which one would you prefer? And then - nothing! All this took place around noon till early afternoon, so I waited a few hours, but when I still did not have a reply at 9:00 pm, I texted him asking if he got my last message. Finally - around midnight - I get a reply saying that he did, but he went out after work and did not want to text me while drinking. What kind of explanation is this? Plus, he had at least 4 hours between my text and his going out to send a reply. Also, if he was interested in seeing me, he would take the 30 seconds to make firm plans, right? Also, in the text around midnight he still did not reply to my question or suggest a time and place for us to meet. It is now about 2 hours until we usually meet up, but I have not heard from him since last night. I am not sure what to do now, do you have any ideas? My gut tells me that he may have met somebody last night, or been dating someone else as well and things are getting serious between them. But maybe that's just my insecurities acting up. Thanks a lot for your opinions!
Author Shosh Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 I did not think he was 'so bad'. I mean, I don't like the long stretches of silence, but I figured that would change once we have been dating for a while. And like I said, when we are together, we are having a really nice time, the dates are never the issue.
Yare Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I was in a very similar situation...the guy was in an open relationship, or so he claims it was open. Does he call you? ...I bet anything he has someone that comes before you... 1
Sid6.7 Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I did not think he was 'so bad'. I mean, I don't like the long stretches of silence, but I figured that would change once we have been dating for a while. Translation: You figured he would change. If this unacceptable to you end it.
Author Shosh Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 Hi Yare, no, he only ever texts. But not sure about the relationship. I have been to his house already and he has invited me back again and there was no girl, clothes of a girl or photos of him and a girl, plus he is a friend of a good friend of mine who knows we are dating and I hope she would tell me if he was in a relationship with someone else. Though of course he may be dating somebody else on the side (or me on the side). I guess so far I've been able to keep my insecurities in check by the fact that when he goes out it is often with our mutual group of friends, and he usually spends his Friday or Saturday nights with me, which are relationship prime-real estate. Plus he was the one who told our mutual friend that we are dating. I would have kept it quiet for a little longer in case things don't work out. But I guess none of that means anything in light of the disappearing act he pulled yesterday.
Quest4_TheLost Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 There are sooo many posts like this.. Its kind of tough in the early stages. In the beginning of dating someone you have to realize you are just an option. Thats what a dateing is "options". You have to go with the flow. Even though you are an option early on in dating dosen't mean you have to be a doormat. Even in early dating you can take a hint if someone is truly interested in you by how much interaction they have with you. I would say at this point your still an option and not one that he seems overly interested in. I think you could do better. But the problem is. It sounds like your the option and your making him more of a priority? I hope your still dating other ppl at this point because there is obviously nothing solid. Make him the option!! 2
Yare Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Why he doesn't call you? Why don't you call him? hum this guy has something up his sleeve...What do you want from him? What are you expecting him to do?...If you guys been out 4 or 5 dates you should be comfortable around each other, enough to talk on the phone...if not, then you need to re-think this. If I like someone I want to know how they are doing during the week even if I'm not going to meet them out for a date....a hey how are you..what are you doing tonite won't hurt...he only text you when he is ready for a date with you...hum 1
Yare Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 BTW I'm not saying he is in an open relationship, but he is unavailable (for whatever reason).
YellowShark Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Its cuz you may be his Plan "B." Maybe even his Plan "C," or "D." Its early days.. give it a few more dates and then call him on it. Ask him why he does it and if you two are exclusive or not. But it is kinda rude not to make contact on the day you are going out.. just to confirm.
Author Shosh Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 Update: Yesterday, about an hour before we usually meet he sent me a text saying something like: "Let me know when you want to hang out this weekend." Excuse me, I distinctively remember that he asked me out for yesterday evening and I accepted. Did he forget all about that? I have not replied yet and I don't know if I should. I am sure you guys are all correct in that that I am not his Option A and he wants to keep it casual and non-exclusive, but asking someone out on a date and then acting like it never happened is crossing a line. Right now I am debating which option to pursue: Option 1) Don't write back and just let it go. Option 2) Write back and ask him what is going on. I'd really like to get some clarification on what is happening, but I also don't want to be left hanging waiting for a reply that never comes. What do you think?
veggirl Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Update: Yesterday, about an hour before we usually meet he sent me a text saying something like: "Let me know when you want to hang out this weekend." Excuse me, I distinctively remember that he asked me out for yesterday evening and I accepted. Did he forget all about that? I have not replied yet and I don't know if I should. I am sure you guys are all correct in that that I am not his Option A and he wants to keep it casual and non-exclusive, but asking someone out on a date and then acting like it never happened is crossing a line. Right now I am debating which option to pursue: Option 1) Don't write back and just let it go. Option 2) Write back and ask him what is going on. I'd really like to get some clarification on what is happening, but I also don't want to be left hanging waiting for a reply that never comes. What do you think? I would call him and say "I thought we had plans for tonight." Sounds like you need some real communication with him, not text. If you don't wanna call (?) then text and go out tonight and air all this out. Tell him it'd be nice to hear from him during the week.
Author Shosh Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 I would not say we are just "hanging out". I mean, he usually invites me out to dinner or movies, we make plans in advance, we don't split the bill and we both call them dates. We have not slept together yet, because I think it is too soon, but we have kissed and made out. Hey veggirl, I know you are right, I should call him, but I hate talking on the phone in general, not just with him. Don't ask me why, I've had this issue for a few years already. But thanks for your input, so you think I should give it one more try and see if we can sort this out in person?
Quest4_TheLost Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Wow really?? This is so funny cause yesterday i got the same txt from a guy. He made plans with me thursday.. Thursday came and no word from him. I didn't contact him eitherl. Then he starts txting me again small talk etc.. Then says to me again yesterday so when you want to hang out? EXACT WORDS! I said I've told you on more then one occassion that I am pretty much free and that we were working around his schedule. He didn't reply. I have been talking to this guy for like 4 months. Never even met but he keeps canceling. The point I'm making though is how these men act now is how they will act down the line. If I were you and what I'm going to do is ignore him. He will txt again in a few days for small talk. But guess what!! He will be talkin to himself. I would ignore him.. I think the best medicine is always turning the tables on them.. Anyway, good luck sweety!
Quest4_TheLost Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I would call him and say "I thought we had plans for tonight." Sounds like you need some real communication with him, not text. If you don't wanna call (?) then text and go out tonight and air all this out. Tell him it'd be nice to hear from him during the week. No offense.. This guy isn't stupid he didn't forget you had plans! I can't say for sure why he is acting like a tool. But once a tool always a tool..
Author Shosh Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 Wow really?? This is so funny cause yesterday i got the same txt from a guy. He made plans with me thursday.. Thursday came and no word from him. I didn't contact him eitherl. Then he starts txting me again small talk etc.. Then says to me again yesterday so when you want to hang out? EXACT WORDS! I said I've told you on more then one occassion that I am pretty much free and that we were working around his schedule. He didn't reply. Wow, this is eerie! Maybe we are dating the same guy?
Author Shosh Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 No offense.. This guy isn't stupid he didn't forget you had plans! I can't say for sure why he is acting like a tool. But once a tool always a tool.. You are right. The least he should do is apologize and suggest a new date himself. Not put the ball in my corner by telling me to contact him when I want to "hang out". I really want to be strong and just ignore him, but part of me really wants to tell him off and tell him his behavior sucks. And another part of me still hopes that we can salvage this whole thing and everything will be perfect from here on out. Not very likely, I know.
Quest4_TheLost Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I'm not seeing this being ironed out to perfection when he is acting like such a dip! However the only way you will get there is pretty much to let him have it.. You don't even have to be mean about it. Just be adult. Explain to him your concerns and whats bothering you, ask him why. But be prepared!! I've made this fatal mistake before with a man blowing hot and cold. He completley ignored me! No I don't feel bad for it. I truly cared for him wanted things to work, I was the adult about it and tried to iron things out. But he wanted to play games. So I left him to it! I have never contacted him again. Letting go of ppl really sucks.. But its so much better to let go when its time then to drag it on hurting yourself any further. Lets hope this one is more mature then my ex was.. 2
Author Shosh Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 Update: 20 July I had ended things with him two weeks ago because he was treating me like crap. Unfortunately I ran into him at a party two days ago and realized that I still liked him. So when he said he missed me and asked me if I wanted to hang out this Friday, I said yes. As fate would have it, today I met up with a friend who knows him. When I told her who I was dating, she told me: "No girl, don't do it. He has got a girlfriend in New Jersey." At first I thought she must be wrong so when I met him tonight he said that he did NOT have a girlfriend, but a girl he was dating last summer had moved to New Jersey and they are still talking. I thought that was not so bad, but when I asked him if he would ever be interested in dating me exclusively in the future he said no. When I asked why he answered: "Because I can see myself marrying that girl in New Jersey and don't want to date anybody else exclusively." I feel like such an idiot now. I excused all his bad behavior with early dating stage jitters, when in reality he is in love with another girl! Girls, if that ever happens to you, please believe the advice you get: If he does not call you regularly, does not want to make you his girlfriend, and often cancels dates without proper excuse: He is just not that into you! Wish I could get those 6 weeks of my life back. I guess the one good thing is that he told me the truth when I asked him, he might as well have lied to me and kept leading me on.
Snakechammah Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Thank you for the update and the good advice. All the best for finding the right one. Hugs!
curlygirl40 Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I love updates like this. No, I don't love the outcome, I wish it worked out better for you, but it's always nice to know what actually was going on. I remember following this thread at the time. Well at least now you know!! You can't get those 6 weeks back but you learned a huge lesson so it was not time wasted!! Best of luck 1
Author Shosh Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 Hi girls, thanks for the kind words. I agree, I always look for threads that mirror my situation but usually there is no update of what actually happened, so I decided to post in case anybody reads my thread in the future when they are in a similar situation, that way they will know what the deal actually was. It sucks, I feel used and rejected. But hopefully I will remember to keep my eyes open next time and not make the same mistake again. Good luck to all of you!
veggirl Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I guess it's good that he has a girlfriend. Because otherwise you would have went on a date with him even thought he treated you "like crap" as you said! Jeepers. Yes I hope lesson learned, don't make excuses for guys ESPECIALLY early on when they are supposed to be on their best behavior so to speak! Onto the next, good luck!! 1
Affliction Shirt Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I woulda kept lying to be honest, depending on how hot you are.
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