Gulf-Delta Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I've turned a corner recently. I met my ex last night to do some stuff dealing with her car. Just business. Usually when we'd met up in the past, it always ended in one or both of us in tears, or anger, or awkwardness....it was civil and cool. We caught up a little, and hugged twice, didn't talk about "us" at all. And I realized yesterday, the pressure was off. My emotions have cooled toward her. I wouldn't say I'm over her. When I tihnk about the future...idk, I still feel like she's the one. She's everything I've always wanted in a woman. However, the NEED (want??) to pursue, beg and cry over it is no longer there. I don't know if this means I love her less, or whatever. I guess part (a big part) of me still wants her back. I suppose I still lover her. She's still in my dreams, I miss her terribly. I guess the difference is that the hope doesn't rule my life anymore.... Tomorrow makes 5 months since the split. 2 months since the REAL split (after the break we stayed friends and saw each other everyday, etc). There's a light in the tunnel now. It's different light than most would have or think I should have. It's not a light of moving on, but rather a light of "everything will work out. Let time take it's course, let things happen naturally". I do still think she'll come back...however it's not in a "wimpy" (?) kind of way. Not in a way that I cry about it, or stay at home sulking. More in a way of going on about my life, hoping in the back of my mind that God (or whatever) throws me a bone again. Most will say move on, but, when I met her, I started believing in destiny...or something. A bigger power, I guess. And it's hard to let go because of so many things between us. I know that's something EVERYONE says, but, it's just a feeling, I guess. But what I feel now is, if we are meant to be, this time apart will make us a stronger couple someday. I guess I just have this feeling that we will reconnect one day. So, to those going NC, or however you're dealing with everything, just know everything gets better. You might not stop loving your ex. But you will learn to see that love and hope in a new way. This post is just a vent, and I guess something to just help people out. The thing is, there really are no rules for emotions or breakups, and those who say strict this or that are fooling themselves. Humans are not machines. We have no manuals. Your result, moment of clarity, turning point, your story in general has a TEENY TINY chance of following everyone elses. Because of this, you must learn to process stuff in your own way, and embrace whatever you feel. NC/LC has been incredibly difficult, but I realize it isn't really a bad thing if I break it, of course I understand why for some, it is. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, go with the flow. The mecca for some people could be a point when they are able to stop loving the ex. For others it may be a point where they can say "I hope my ex dies". But for you, your persoanl goal may be different. Good luck to everyone. 6
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 Bump for those who may have had a rough day
M30USA Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I too am at 5 months separation. Though I literally haven't spoken to or seen her since the temporary court hearing. We live 3 hours away, with no communication except regarding the children. All I know is this needed to happen. There is a strange sense that everything will be okay--as you said. Whether it's permanantly over or not, this needed to happen. All we have is this moment in life. We should just take it all in stride and find what is beautiful whether we have a significant other or not.
StarlaStardust Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Thank you for this positive, lovely thread. I have been doing MUCH better these last couple of days. I felt like I lost "the one" for sure. It's been less than 3 months since the breakup, and about 3 weeks NC. He broke up with me in an email and never spoke to me again. I gave up 3 weeks ago, hence the full on NC. A few days ago I was crying my eyes out to my therapist. And then...everything just... lifted. Of course, I feel the sting sometimes, but, it IS getting better. The light is there. I can see myself becoming an even better person than before. In many ways, I never thought I would get to this point, but I kept faith in the idea that I would, in fact, get better... even better than before. Everyone hang in there. It does get better. I've never met anyone in their much older years who said to me"actually I was so inconsolably miserable for my whole adult life because of a failed romantic relationship in my 20s or 30s." And none of us are going to be the first to say that either to our grandkids. Take the lessons you learned and grow and flourish. One Love.
Thisisbs Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I know we needed a break and to reassess everything going on in our lives and between us. The breakup happens for a reason, and when you de construct it properly and analyse everything about the relationship with a clear, rational head, you realize that most of the time, it was for the best, and how much you've changed for the better and grown from the experience. She's on my mind constantly, but it's getting easier, and it doesn't hurt as much, (I can't even say it hurts anymore, you just get this feeling) There is light on the other side of the tunnel ^^
Exit Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Sorry to be the bummer but I'd say you're still too far on the side of "we'll be back together some day" instead of truly healing, but you'll figure it out. You admitted it yourself when you said "everyone says these types of things", well you're right and that's not just something to gloss over. You're drinking the Kool-Aid that a lot of us try to cling on to for so long. I felt the same way about my ex. Some weird almost indescribable feeling, my last relationship made me believe in destiny and soul mates and magic and everything else. And I'm headed for 8 months since the breakup and likely will never interact with that girl again so yeah... it's hard work to pull your head out of the clouds (or out of your backside) when you've been so deeply in love with someone that you start believing in all these crazy things. Slowly the reality sinks in, there's no destiny about it, nothing magical, no "we'll be a stronger couple when this all works out", eventually you realize it's really over. If your ex hasn't started dating someone else yet, it'll be a big kick in that direction once she does. But that's just my opinion, none of us really know anything, maybe your ex will be back, maybe not. I don't know any more than anyone else I just read your post and saw many of the same things I know I was saying myself a few months ago when I was still a bit too hopeful. 2
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 Sorry to be the bummer but I'd say you're still too far on the side of "we'll be back together some day" instead of truly healing, but you'll figure it out. You admitted it yourself when you said "everyone says these types of things", well you're right and that's not just something to gloss over. You're drinking the Kool-Aid that a lot of us try to cling on to for so long. I felt the same way about my ex. Some weird almost indescribable feeling, my last relationship made me believe in destiny and soul mates and magic and everything else. And I'm headed for 8 months since the breakup and likely will never interact with that girl again so yeah... it's hard work to pull your head out of the clouds (or out of your backside) when you've been so deeply in love with someone that you start believing in all these crazy things. Slowly the reality sinks in, there's no destiny about it, nothing magical, no "we'll be a stronger couple when this all works out", eventually you realize it's really over. If your ex hasn't started dating someone else yet, it'll be a big kick in that direction once she does. But that's just my opinion, none of us really know anything, maybe your ex will be back, maybe not. I don't know any more than anyone else I just read your post and saw many of the same things I know I was saying myself a few months ago when I was still a bit too hopeful. Eh, you're entitled to your pinion of course, but I've seen too many stories of happy endings to be such a pessimist about it. Sure, my story might not follow that path, but there are to many reunion stories out there to think in a negative way. Lord knows there are more reunion stories than not....maybe not MORE but at least equal.
StarlaStardust Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I really don't think the "gut feeling"/"meant to be" feeling is a sham. But it is beyond our human realm of control. In other words, we cannot put a time frame or any expectation on it, and as soon as we try to, we change the pure nature of it and therefore risk pushing it away. I also have that gut feeling of meant-to-be-ness. But I do not know when this love will come back to me with this particular person, so I must live my life as if they're gone forever. I can keep the beauty of our past time in love shared together in my heart, knowing that my garden was watered then and continue to expect the rain of love from its various sources, starting with myself and branching out to other people. Perhaps, even, this mean-to-be-ness I feel isn't even specific to this one person, but a gut feeling that I will feel that powerful true love again in life. Sorry if I sound like a total twit
M30USA Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 For what it's worth, Delta, I think you have a very balanced and healthy perspective.
Author Gulf-Delta Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 I really don't think the "gut feeling"/"meant to be" feeling is a sham. But it is beyond our human realm of control. In other words, we cannot put a time frame or any expectation on it, and as soon as we try to, we change the pure nature of it and therefore risk pushing it away. I also have that gut feeling of meant-to-be-ness. But I do not know when this love will come back to me with this particular person, so I must live my life as if they're gone forever. I can keep the beauty of our past time in love shared together in my heart, knowing that my garden was watered then and continue to expect the rain of love from its various sources, starting with myself and branching out to other people. Perhaps, even, this mean-to-be-ness I feel isn't even specific to this one person, but a gut feeling that I will feel that powerful true love again in life. Sorry if I sound like a total twit IDK what "it" is. Love is a real thing. It's a chemical reaction in the brain. Regardless if that has any metaphyiscal/cosmic meaning...who knows, but no matter what that person triggered that chemical reaction in the brain. The thing is, I dated some before my ex. I crushed and chased lots of girls prior to meeting her. After getting involved with the wrong kinds of girls I thought to myself one night, that I need a good, solid woman. With a good head on her shoulders. A woman I could marry. Months later I met her. I had prayed for the love of my life. I wanted a smart girl, and artist, a musician. The first time I ever laid eyes on my ex, there she is, playing guitar...from then on out, through our getting to know each other phase, things just got better and better. She had met every single expectation, every single check on the list. Our romance was very much a fairy tale, I guess. Without getting to winded here, my point is, other girls were fun, but my ex, was an answer to my prayers. I laid out, in my head, my perfect woman. I said "I will accept nothing less than this." And there she was. Just popped up after years of knowing OF one another, but our paths never crossed until then. There is no way our relationship was just a thing. We triggered feelings and beliefs in each other we never guessed even existed. Never fought. Ever. There were too many coincidences to be coincidences, you know? That's why I love her. I feel like she was sent to me, and that's why I think one day...maybe 5 years, maybe 2, maybe 6 months, maybe 3 weeks, maybe tomorrow, she will come back. My belief in the "party phase" has always been that the person going through it doesn't "get it". They don't understand why substantial relationships are so important. IMO, they may still love the person they leave, but the immaturity they experience throws their priorities into whack, and it isn't until later they realize what/who are important in life. It isn't until they come out of the party phase do they realize how important family is, and how important it is to surround yourself with stable relationships. We never fought. I was the one who encouraged her going to school when she said she was stupid. I was the one who encouraged her artistic side when she said she was no good. I was the one who said she was beautiful when she said she was ugly. She can't ever forget the way I treated her. That's why I tihnk she'll wise up someday. There was no reason to leave besides a confused girl who is unsure what matters in life. She doesn't get the "big picture" yet.
Tiera D Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Delta you have grown tremendously compared to the time you 1st came,although we both dont see eye to eye in everything but im glad you are moving on well.The people in loveshack will always support your cause.Good luck TD
favoritepills Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Lord knows there are more reunion stories than not....maybe not MORE but at least equal. I wouldn't even say equal, you're probably just paying more attention to the people you know who have gotten back together with their exes in hopes that you and your ex will end up the same way. But a person can only have one lasting relationship, and there can be more than one that fell by the wayside before the Big One, so it's unlikely-to-impossible for there to be more successful reunions than breakups. The percentage goes up if you count unsuccessful reunions which led to a second/third/fourth breakup, but I don't think that's what you're looking for. I mean, we have a section called Second Chances where you CAN'T find happy reunion stories until you've looked hard enough. There's optimism, and there's not letting go, and I think what Exit is saying is that you're in the latter, and I kind of agree. Optimism is "My life will be fantastic with or without her," and I'm not sure you believe that yet because you can't let go of the hope that she'll come back. That belief just leaves you chained to something that's probably already dead. What happens when years pass and she doesn't come back? Do you just tell yourself, "Oh, she's being silly and going through her little phase, she'll wise up eventually" and wait for her some more? Why waste time like that? There's nothing wrong with moving on. If she really wants you back, you moving on won't stop her. It won't even stop you from taking her back, if it's right -- moving on would help you start fresh. I've read your story, and what concerns me is your lack of reflection on what you might have done to contribute to the breakup. Over and over again I keep hearing, "I was a perfect boyfriend and she's a confused little girl who doesn't know what she wants": She can't ever forget the way I treated her. That's why I tihnk she'll wise up someday. There was no reason to leave besides a confused girl who is unsure what matters in life. She doesn't get the "big picture" yet. That sounds incredibly patronizing. If I were her, I wouldn't want to take you back either if you belittled me like that! You sound like you think you know her better than she knows herself. She's a grown-ass woman, she made this decision, and it might do you good to try to understand what it is about you that made her decide to leave -- after all, there are two sides to every story. Maybe she thought you were controlling, or patronizing, or boring, or a know-it-all, or maybe she just lost attraction to you. Just because you never fought doesn't mean she didn't disagree with you on things. You may be right, maybe this breakup happened for no good reason and she'll return once she's sown her wild oats. But something tells me that if your "she's being a child" attitude bled into your relationship with her, there was probably a good reason she left you. To live and learn is a wonderful thing. We've all got some growing up to do, and if you ever got back together with her, you both would be better off for it if you both matured during your time apart. 3
Author Gulf-Delta Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 (edited) I wouldn't even say equal, you're probably just paying more attention to the people you know who have gotten back together with their exes in hopes that you and your ex will end up the same way. But a person can only have one lasting relationship, and there can be more than one that fell by the wayside before the Big One, so it's unlikely-to-impossible for there to be more successful reunions than breakups. The percentage goes up if you count unsuccessful reunions which led to a second/third/fourth breakup, but I don't think that's what you're looking for. I mean, we have a section called Second Chances where you CAN'T find happy reunion stories until you've looked hard enough. Eh, maybe...the thing is though, most people, after having a success story, don't need this place anymore, so the likelihood of posting here is small. There's optimism, and there's not letting go, and I think what Exit is saying is that you're in the latter, and I kind of agree. Optimism is "My life will be fantastic with or without her," and I'm not sure you believe that yet because you can't let go of the hope that she'll come back. That belief just leaves you chained to something that's probably already dead. What happens when years pass and she doesn't come back? Do you just tell yourself, "Oh, she's being silly and going through her little phase, she'll wise up eventually" and wait for her some more? Why waste time like that? I want her to come back, and think she will. This is just based off of the sheer number of stories (both online and real life) of people saying their exes always come back, for better or worse. As I said in the OP, I'm not just sitting by the phone waiting for her call or anything. I'm not "wasting my time". It'd be great if she came back, but it's not like I have quit living waiting for it. There's nothing wrong with moving on. If she really wants you back, you moving on won't stop her. It won't even stop you from taking her back, if it's right -- moving on would help you start fresh. This is kind of a blanket statement that can't really be applied to everybody. If she think I'd moved on, she wouldn't come back. That's just how she is. She's too self-conscious and nervous about me thinking I hate her, or fear of it being awkward. It's just how she is. I've read your story, and what concerns me is your lack of reflection on what you might have done to contribute to the breakup. Over and over again I keep hearing, "I was a perfect boyfriend and she's a confused little girl who doesn't know what she wants": That sounds incredibly patronizing. If I were her, I wouldn't want to take you back either if you belittled me like that! You sound like you think you know her better than she knows herself. She's a grown-ass woman, she made this decision, and it might do you good to try to understand what it is about you that made her decide to leave -- after all, there are two sides to every story. Maybe she thought you were controlling, or patronizing, or boring, or a know-it-all, or maybe she just lost attraction to you. Just because you never fought doesn't mean she didn't disagree with you on things. There's nothing to reflect on. None of those were the case at all. It was literally in the span of a month we went from "happiest I've ever been" to "IDK, I just need to do this right now". That is not the sign of a "grown ass woman". Please, if you could tell me what I did, please tell me. I don't know, she doesn't know, her family didn't know. No one did. I'm not belittling her. If she's acting like a 16 year old, then she's acting like a 16 year old. What's the purpose of mincing words? You may be right, maybe this breakup happened for no good reason and she'll return once she's sown her wild oats. But something tells me that if your "she's being a child" attitude bled into your relationship with her, there was probably a good reason she left you. We had an adult relationship. I had no reason to think of her that way. We were set to be married, talking about kids, planning our careers, we were completely honest and open with each other...you know, things ADULTS do. In that last month, she reverted to just being a teenager, hence why I think of her that way now. She has given up perfectly good things (not even talking about relationship here) to go drinking, and sleep with guys who treat her like crap....sounds like an adult to me. To live and learn is a wonderful thing. We've all got some growing up to do, and if you ever got back together with her, you both would be better off for it if you both matured during your time apart. Agreed. --------------- I'm not saying you're wrong about everything, and I appreciate the POV, but I tihnk of her the way I do, because her own actions have showed me that. You can't honestly tell me that someone who acts how she does is a mature, developed, stable person, can you? The thing is, I love her, and probably always will in some way until I'm an old, old man. Even if I find a different woman, marry her, have kids, grandkids, etc. my ex will always hold a place in my heart. What we had was that special. It was only from that last month, to now, where she changed into this person I barely recognize anymore. And that's why I can't bring myself to not want her back. I just can't help it. Most people say "they're an ex for a reason" but I like to think "We were in love for a reason". Thing is, I've never met a girl other than her who was worth my time and worth giving my heart to. She was worth it, so I let my guard down, and we fell in love. And for 2 years I never had a reason to regret it. She was something special and that's why I loved her. I don't fall in love with or even get serious with women who don't live up to my standards. Whether or not that's good or bad, whatever, point is, that's why I want her to come back. If I was in love with her, that means she had something that is worth me still feeling for her. Edited July 1, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
favoritepills Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 If she think I'd moved on, she wouldn't come back. That's just how she is. She's too self-conscious and nervous about me thinking I hate her, or fear of it being awkward. It's just how she is. This is where I think you're wasting your time: you're choosing to not move on, so that if she's ready to come back, you'll be there with open arms. 3 months, a year, 5 years. There's nothing to reflect on. None of those were the case at all. It was literally in the span of a month we went from "happiest I've ever been" to "IDK, I just need to do this right now". That is not the sign of a "grown ass woman". Adults are allowed to change their minds. Sometimes they have a reason for it, and sometimes they don't. For whatever reason, she wasn't satisfied, and I think it's a perfectly adult decision to leave a relationship she wasn't satisfied with instead of 1) do things behind your back, 2) be stuck in the relationship because "it's the right thing to do," 3) bottle up her resentment rather than pick a fight and break the seemingly perfect dynamic. Please, if you could tell me what I did, please tell me. I couldn't tell you -- the only information I have is your side of the story, and I'm not a mind-reader. All I'm doing is suggesting you be open to the possibility that the relationship could have looked different from her perspective, since you seem so certain you know everything that was going on in your relationship, and for that matter, everything that was going on in her mind. There are so many breakups where Person A says to friends, "Everything was perfect, I don't know why it ended," and Person B says to friends, "I was unhappy for a while." (See (500) Days of Summer for an illustration of how this can play out.) It's important to have a sense of perspective because some of this information that you're taking for granted may not be as true as you think it is. If there was something she didn't like about you -- and there was clearly something that made her think, "I choose not to be with him anymore" -- you have to at least admit the possibility, or you're torpedoing your own chance with her. I'm not belittling her. If she's acting like a 16 year old, then she's acting like a 16 year old. What's the purpose of mincing words? We had an adult relationship. I had no reason to think of her that way. We were set to be married, talking about kids, planning our careers, we were completely honest and open with each other...you know, things ADULTS do. In that last month, she reverted to just being a teenager, hence why I think of her that way now. She has given up perfectly good things (not even talking about relationship here) to go drinking, and sleep with guys who treat her like crap....sounds like an adult to me. Going to parties and having casual sex may seem irresponsible to you, but it could just as easily be a legitimate choice of lifestyle. So she wants to run around and have her fun. (She's 22!) There isn't necessarily anything wrong with that, except to you because she dumped you in order to do it. It's reasonable for you to feel like it was a foolish choice on her part, but she may be more satisfied now than she was with you, and you have to accept that possibility. She may not change soon, and even if she changes, she may not come back to you, no matter how great you thought the relationship was. Your absolute certainty that she'll choose you when all is said and done does not seem to be a rational conclusion given the information you've provided. You're pushing "hope" into "expectation" on what looks to be nothing but anecdotal evidence ("Everybody else gets back together!") and wishful thinking. More importantly, you're de-legitimizing all of the choices she could make that are not you, many of which are perfectly acceptable, and that's not fair to her. You can't honestly tell me that someone who acts how she does is a mature, developed, stable person, can you? I can't tell either way because all you've chosen to tell us about after the breakup are what you think are her bad decisions. For all you or I know, she may be more satisfied where she is. The fact that she left you to get there, and the fact that you don't like what she's doing, don't have to mean that she's less mature or less stable. Choosing experiences that make you happy, and being honest throughout that transition (this is important), is a mature decision. 1
Author Gulf-Delta Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 (edited) This is where I think you're wasting your time: you're choosing to not move on, so that if she's ready to come back, you'll be there with open arms. 3 months, a year, 5 years. Adults are allowed to change their minds. Sometimes they have a reason for it, and sometimes they don't. For whatever reason, she wasn't satisfied, and I think it's a perfectly adult decision to leave a relationship she wasn't satisfied with instead of 1) do things behind your back, 2) be stuck in the relationship because "it's the right thing to do," 3) bottle up her resentment rather than pick a fight and break the seemingly perfect dynamic. I couldn't tell you -- the only information I have is your side of the story, and I'm not a mind-reader. All I'm doing is suggesting you be open to the possibility that the relationship could have looked different from her perspective, since you seem so certain you know everything that was going on in your relationship, and for that matter, everything that was going on in her mind. There are so many breakups where Person A says to friends, "Everything was perfect, I don't know why it ended," and Person B says to friends, "I was unhappy for a while." (See (500) Days of Summer for an illustration of how this can play out.) It's important to have a sense of perspective because some of this information that you're taking for granted may not be as true as you think it is. If there was something she didn't like about you -- and there was clearly something that made her think, "I choose not to be with him anymore" -- you have to at least admit the possibility, or you're torpedoing your own chance with her. Going to parties and having casual sex may seem irresponsible to you, but it could just as easily be a legitimate choice of lifestyle. So she wants to run around and have her fun. (She's 22!) There isn't necessarily anything wrong with that, except to you because she dumped you in order to do it. It's reasonable for you to feel like it was a foolish choice on her part, but she may be more satisfied now than she was with you, and you have to accept that possibility. She may not change soon, and even if she changes, she may not come back to you, no matter how great you thought the relationship was. Your absolute certainty that she'll choose you when all is said and done does not seem to be a rational conclusion given the information you've provided. You're pushing "hope" into "expectation" on what looks to be nothing but anecdotal evidence ("Everybody else gets back together!") and wishful thinking. More importantly, you're de-legitimizing all of the choices she could make that are not you, many of which are perfectly acceptable, and that's not fair to her. I can't tell either way because all you've chosen to tell us about after the breakup are what you think are her bad decisions. For all you or I know, she may be more satisfied where she is. The fact that she left you to get there, and the fact that you don't like what she's doing, don't have to mean that she's less mature or less stable. Choosing experiences that make you happy, and being honest throughout that transition (this is important), is a mature decision. Well, I guess it really boils down to relative morality then. IMO, committed relationship, family, etc are very important. I suppose you, as well as people going through GiGs don't necessarily. I guess it's a societal thing. Just because she thinks what she's doing is right doesn't mean it is. BTW, I don't have to be "fair" to her. Why should I? Her finding somethng about me she didn't like...that isn't likely, as it doesn't really matchup with the MO of these kinds of breakups...not that every case of the same, but in this aspect, I don't see why she'd "Break the mold" so to speak, when she's been fitting GiGs stories to the letter. If she wanted to go whore around, she shouldn't have moved in, settled down, set a wedding date, tried to have my baby, etc. I'm only trivializing her decisions because they are so ass-backward for her, and are not the real her. She even told me so. The real her, is who I love and respect. The self-admitted (on her part) "phase" of hers SHOULD be trivialized, because it's fake bull****. She knows it, I know it...why should I "respect" this decision? Edited July 1, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
LogicallyIllogical Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Sorry to be the bummer but I'd say you're still too far on the side of "we'll be back together some day" instead of truly healing, but you'll figure it out. You admitted it yourself when you said "everyone says these types of things", well you're right and that's not just something to gloss over. You're drinking the Kool-Aid that a lot of us try to cling on to for so long. I felt the same way about my ex. Some weird almost indescribable feeling, my last relationship made me believe in destiny and soul mates and magic and everything else. And I'm headed for 8 months since the breakup and likely will never interact with that girl again so yeah... it's hard work to pull your head out of the clouds (or out of your backside) when you've been so deeply in love with someone that you start believing in all these crazy things. Slowly the reality sinks in, there's no destiny about it, nothing magical, no "we'll be a stronger couple when this all works out", eventually you realize it's really over. If your ex hasn't started dating someone else yet, it'll be a big kick in that direction once she does. But that's just my opinion, none of us really know anything, maybe your ex will be back, maybe not. I don't know any more than anyone else I just read your post and saw many of the same things I know I was saying myself a few months ago when I was still a bit too hopeful. This. Too often do dumpee's dream up a fantasy of their ex returning, and they end up believing the fantasy will come true. All this does is end up causing more pain once the ex starts dating again. I've even seen people convince themselves that their ex would return after starting a new relationship with someone else. It's an unhealthy thought process to get caught up in.
Author Gulf-Delta Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 (edited) This. Too often do dumpee's dream up a fantasy of their ex returning, and they end up believing the fantasy will come true. All this does is end up causing more pain once the ex starts dating again. I've even seen people convince themselves that their ex would return after starting a new relationship with someone else. It's an unhealthy thought process to get caught up in. It is what is is. People cope differently. I just feel my ex and I will reconnect one day. We live in a "small town" kind of place. Everyone knows everyone. Everyone in town went to the same schools...where we live, it isn't uncommon to run into people you knew in 3rd grade...idk, I guess it's hard to explain....us not crossing paths is pretty much impossible, especially considering we share a group of friends. One of her best friends has been my best female friend since 6 years old. I'm not saying she'll come back to be in a relationship necessarily....but we share a lot of friends...we're bound to see each other sometime...The time, and the emotions we'll feel are completely unpredictable. You saying she'll feel nothing is just as valid as me saying she'll come back asking for forgiveness and second chance. I can't predict the future....neither can anyone here. Since no one knows, I'd rather keep a positive outlook on life instead of a pessimitic outlook. Nor do I think optimism is a bad thing as long as you take care of yourself, socialize, etc. Holding onto hope is only bad if you quit hanging with friends and just stay at home moping all day. Edited July 2, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
Tiera D Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 i think people dont judge delta too harshly,he is moving on in many things he is not mopping around at home alone,he improved alot compared to last time.Relationships is not everything,although i would advise OP to dont expect too high,we just dont want you to get hurt TD
Author Gulf-Delta Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 (edited) i think people dont judge delta too harshly,he is moving on in many things he is not mopping around at home alone,he improved alot compared to last time.Relationships is not everything,although i would advise OP to dont expect too high,we just dont want you to get hurt TD Thanks for understanding I still love my ex. She was an amazing person once...that's why we got together. I do want her to come back. We had something really special, it's not really something I expect others to understand or believe, so I guess it's where my own personal faith comes in. I feel like wanting an ex to come back is only a bad thing if you're doing it in an unhealthy way. Being a sad sack, not eating/sleeping right, etc are the unhealthy ways to cope. Luckily I've had a great support system in my friends who I can talk with, but even if I can't, I can at least have fun with them to ease the pain for a while. Sure, sleeping in an empty bed hurts, and there are triggers everywhere. But they don't hurt as a bad as they did once. The whole point of the OP was to kinda say to others who may be having a rough time, is that your feelings about the breakup change. Your expectations change. You're not gonna be trapped in an empty, dark cave forever. And it was also to let them know that whatever feelings they evolve to are not wrong. Don't think just because NC is advocated so much that it's the only way. Don't think having feelings for your ex is "wrong". There are bilions of people on earth, and the way to cope with a breakup varies with each of us. Sure, there are guidelines, but there are no hard-set rules. I'm an aviation mechanic and pilot. Airplanes are great, and relatively easy, because everything is laid out in a little, easy to read/understand manual. Wanna know how this piece works? Look it up. Wanna know what to do in a certain emergency? Look it up. People, relationships, dynamics....these things are obviously not as easy to figure out. So just do what you feel is right. Edited July 2, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
Stanza Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) Gult-Delta for what it's worth, Delta, I think you have a very balanced and healthy I do think that you have a very mature perspective on all this. ditto. You've certainly helped me because of your postings on it. I do feel that it's very easy to always go for the approach of finding fault with what our ex's did and seeing the things that we can get angry and irrational about, but sometimes there's just not a lot of logic. We know they are confused and in pain, despite their actions. And we know what lies beneath that confusion. I do believe that sometimes people make incorrect choices in relationships because they don't have the tools to do anything better/differently. I really don't think the "gut feeling"/"meant to be" feeling is a sham. But it is beyond our human realm of control. In other words, we cannot put a time frame or any expectation on it, and as soon as we try to, we change the pure nature of it and therefore risk pushing it away. I think this was a good quote posted in reply too, I think that we do have those gut feelings and they aren't a sham. But it's true that we can't control the outcome of them. That's where we're in this limbo of wanting to believe but having to move on as well. You don't sound like someone getting stuck but someone dealing and keeping a door open but also preparing yourself for if it doesn't. That's the only way I think when we have that gut feeling and we experienced what we believe to be true love with someone we didn't want to lose and hold hope for. I love your posts. I struggle with hope at the moment, because my ex went into a very heavy rebound to deal with things. It makes me wonder if he has thought of me / what was wrong at all, i.e. I wonder if he will change for the better or worse for it. Keep them coming and for what it's worth, I do think she will come back in some capacity too. I really do. Edited July 4, 2012 by Stanza
Author Gulf-Delta Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) Gult-Delta ditto. You've certainly helped me because of your postings on it. I do feel that it's very easy to always go for the approach of finding fault with what our ex's did and seeing the things that we can get angry and irrational about, but sometimes there's just not a lot of logic. We know they are confused and in pain, despite their actions. And we know what lies beneath that confusion. I do believe that sometimes people make incorrect choices in relationships because they don't have the tools to do anything better/differently. I think this was a good quote posted in reply too, I think that we do have those gut feelings and they aren't a sham. But it's true that we can't control the outcome of them. That's where we're in this limbo of wanting to believe but having to move on as well. You don't sound like someone getting stuck but someone dealing and keeping a door open but also preparing yourself for if it doesn't. That's the only way I think when we have that gut feeling and we experienced what we believe to be true love with someone we didn't want to lose and hold hope for. I love your posts. I struggle with hope at the moment, because my ex went into a very heavy rebound to deal with things. It makes me wonder if he has thought of me / what was wrong at all, i.e. I wonder if he will change for the better or worse for it. Keep them coming and for what it's worth, I do think she will come back in some capacity too. I really do. Wow, thank you. I try to help people be as positive minded as possible when I post. I'm talking to a couple people through PMs right now. And I gotta say, having people return that positivity feels amazing. Remember though, my feelings are just my theories on things based on what I know about people who go through GiGs. They are by no means the end-all, be-all truth. I don't know how exactly I'll react if she never comes back. It will hurt me very much I suppose. I'm still pretty broken up about her leaving. I'm not ready/prepared for if she never returns...I've just accepted that's theres nothing I can do to change it. More and more I accept the reality that she may be gone for good. The circumstances for her returning just aren't in the cards, at least not now. She mostly ignores me these days, and our social circles rarely overlap. Her new life is a priority to her now, and I don't see how things will go back to "normal" :s. All I have to bank on is the hope that she'll realize we're right for each other, and how good we were for each other. But she isn't the type to look at the past. All I can do is pray, I guess. Pray that she not only reconnects with me, but everyone from her "old life" because we all loved and cared about her. My group of friends let her in as if they'd known her for years, and she formed good friendships with all of them. To the point where my best female friend, who I've known for 14 years or so, adopted my ex as her best friend. But now, she seems to have forgotten why we were all so special to her and vice versa. In a way, it's like that sweet, caring girl I fell for is gone. She's no longer the girl who paints pictures and makes things for people's birthdays. I know that sounds silly, but one of the reasons I fell for her was her genuine attitude of truly caring about others. She has left all that behind now...for a life that is only a dream. It hurts a lot to see her throw away such important things, because she's so much better than just being some bar skank. But you know, if she never does, I'll just have to live with it. Lord knows I did everything in my power to get her to see the light, and she didn't see it. And she's a runner. She will not face negativity. She just doesn't do that. That's her one weakness. She's so bright, so caring, very kind, but she could never face anything uncomfortable, and I'm scared because I have this feeling that she knows she screwed me over, and will therefore avoid me at all costs. My only hope is that the strength of what we had gives her the strength to face me again one day. Not for a relationship, but just to be on good terms. I did all I can do, so now I guess it's time to just let her do whatever. Because she's so passive, I fear she'll never come back. On the other hand, God brought us together once, to which I can only describe as a series of miracles. I don't know what to think anymore...so I don't. I just live day by day. Only fate knows if she'll come back into my life or not. I know I'm gonna run into her again...probably soon, as our social circles overlap in a few places...and who knows what that meeting will bring. You just have let the chips fall where they fall. That's how we got together in the first place. Edited July 4, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
gant29 Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 First and foremost I would like to say THANK YOU for your post. Some of what you said was what I needed to desperately hear right now. I agree with so much of what you stated in this post and I am glad you are able to see/feel that things are rarely black and white. You sound like a wise soul, and I hope what you stated here is read by many people.
Ponzzz Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 I agree with most of what you're saying Gulf. I am going through my own breakup myself and I can say that I do feel almost the same as you. What the big kicker in all these reuniting stories is that you have no idea how you're going to feel down the road. Yes I do believe my ex and I may very well reconnect someday but it's not going to stop me from moving on and getting past her. Even if she came back right now I wouldn't take her back simply because nothing would change, we would just go through the same mess as before. These breakups need time. Love has it's own course and it will find its way back to you if it was meant to be. This doesn't mean you have to believe that it's going to come back either. Do you and I think this way because you secretly hope that your ex is coming back? Maybe. Maybe not. Sometimes you just know that it's best to just move on.
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