"I need a break" turned into full on "get out of my house" break up

[Appleness]

This is my first post although I have been reading tons of LS experiences before registering and taking the plunge to tell my story.

 

(Some background)

I am currently LC with my ex boyfriend. We broke up about 10 weeks ago and have been not been in contact for about 6 weeks. We only broke contact for my dog that died during this time, me getting some essentials out of his house because he only gave me a few days to move out, and to get his name off of my car title (of which he helped me finance at the time). We have been together for 8 years and he was my first boyfriend and the man I thought I was going to marry to spend the rest of my life with. We have broken up and gotten back together 2 times prior to this.

 

We broke this time because I asked him how he would feel if I was to propose to him. I believe my exact words were "Are you one of those guys that would feel awkward if your girlfriend proposed to you and if I was to do this in the near future, what would you say?" He had chuckled at the time and said "No, I'm totally okay with that and if you hypothetically asked then hypothetically I'd say 'yes'". A few days later, he got all stressed out for no reason said that he went looking for a ring with his friend and now he's all confused and needs a break. He then tells me he will be staying at his best friend's house. The next night, his mom calls and leaves a message saying that she's really worried because she hasn't heard from him in almost a week and that she's worried. She didn't know about the "break" and I told her that she should call the friend but neither of us have his number. Since his friend lived only 5 minutes away, I told her I was just going to go over and tell him to give her a call. It turns out he wasn't there and his friend (after informing me that he wasn't there) kinda slammed the door in my face. I went home because it was getting late at night and told his mom that I couldn't find him. The next day, he calls and said "we need to talk" and broke up with me that night. His reasons? Because I hadn't finished school (He was right, I hadn't but I am in the middle of a career change due to the economy); that I didn't like to dance with him (?!) and that I was a rude person because I didn't greet his friend last night (The man was a tank and boxers. I was not about to do the typical Latin kiss-and-hug to a half naked married man at midnight). He told me that this was it and I had to move. So I did. First to a rental place and now back with my mom.

 

There's a part of me that misses him (because I let him get closer emotionally and physically than anyone else has before) because we have been together for about 1/3 of my life. We did a lot of things together and shared a lot of friends (mostly his friends, because some of my friends couldn't stand him but that's another story). When he was nice, he was a great person: kind, considerate, sweet, someone who wanted to spoil you rotten ...basically all the things a girl could ask for in the guy. I've never been the material girl type and sometimes I would think he would go overboard. But then he would also have his bad moments where he is possessive (he felt that he had to compete for attention vs. my mom and younger sisters), selfish and inconsiderate (stay out late and not leave a message so that I didn't worry he would be driving home drunk at 1 a.m.), or just be an angry person in general (everything would annoy him). THIS person I don't miss and am glad that I'm not there anymore. I think I stuck by him thinking "well, no one is prefect and I just have to willing to accept the other person's flaws if I really love him, which I did)

 

In the first 2-3 weeks, I did the systems. You know, the "get him back" ones. Not because I was sure that I wanted him back but just the see how much work it would be and if it was worth the effort. I'm not sure it is. Because truthfully, I think he's not being honest about why we broke up and I wasn't really feeling appreciated anyway. I am a bit guilty cause I feel like I might be getting over this too fast? Is this common?

 

Side Note:

There are some of my friends who SWEAR he will come back knocking because he was just scared and confused about getting married. But he's 32 and has been telling ME for 6 months that he wants a baby (to which I said not without getting married first). Does this sound strange to anyone else??

[KatZee]

I honestly see a lot of my ex boyfriend in your ex boyfriend. When he was good, he was very, very good. But when he was bad... boy was he horrible to be around.

 

I too made the same excuses. "No one is perfect, I'm not perfect so obviously he's going to have his off days..." But those "off" days were him doing things that no guy who said he "loved" his girlfriend would do.

 

-Emotionally abusive (he would pull the "im ignoring you" game if he "didn't like" how I behaved in certain situations, or he felt my attitude was "poor.")

 

-A bit controlling. I NEEDED to go with him to see his friends, or go to certain things, despite how I felt about going. It didn't matter if I was uncomfortable with the situation or uncomfortable being around people who were there. I was to go. Period.

 

-Non-communicative if he felt something was upsetting him. He would just shut down and ignore me for days, then come back and be like, "Thanks for being patient." And then would act as if nothing happened. He'd then come back months later to berate me. To tell me how he was unhappy and that he couldn't stand by behavior or how I acted. Something was always wrong with me. The relationship was failing because of ME.

 

-Refused to acknowledge his own short comings. It was perfectly OK for him to go off to me about how crappy of an individual I was, how imperfect I was, but it was perfectly acceptable for him to cheat on me, and then go on to say, "I'm now done talking about this. Don't bring it up again." as if I were the one who hurt him! HAH!

 

-Have recently found out he's pretty much lied throughout our entire relationship. His "perfect boyfriend" act was pretty much a sham, and it was a completely phony facade. How someone can pull off such a thing is worthy of an Emmy.

 

-Extremely selfish. Anything that he gave me whether it be his time, his affection, emotion, etc... was on HIS TIME. And his only. It was when he felt like it, when he wanted to, when he had the time to squeeze me into his schedule. In almost three years I can't tell you one instance in which he went out of his way for me. Where he sacrificed his own time, or schedule, FOR ME.

 

-Lacked empathy for me. If someone disrespected me, or flat out talked crap right in my face, I would go confide in him. His response 99.9% of the time was, "I didn't see anything. I didn't see it happen or hear anything... so..." or "I can't help how other people act, they've been around longer, they're entitled to act like that. You're not. You have to bend over backwards and kiss their a$$ and be extra nice to them." (At that point I was his girlfriend for over two years!!!!)

 

I think the excuses your ex is giving you for not wanting to get married are complete horsesh*t. My ex said something similar. He thought I came off like a "bi*ch" or was "anti-social" because I refused to engage with people who were HORRIBLE to me to my face. Those people would talk crap about me, disrespect me, and I didn't want to associate with them. I don't keep people in my life who are toxic, and MANY of his friends are extremely toxic. And because I kept my distance, I was "anti-social" and he couldn't have a girlfriend who acted like that.

 

Believe me. When someone loves you, and TRULY loves you, you won't have to make excuses for their bad behavior. You won't have to put up with such $hittiness. No, they won't be perfect, but they won't flat out disrespect you, or hurt you, or be horrible to you. Their imperfection will be like being late for dinner, or leaving the toilet seat up.

 

People who are horrible to you, who treat you terribly, are NOT worthy of you. And you're still young. Be glad you're not married, and have no kids, or else this would be a million times uglier.

[TaraMaiden]

 

People who are horrible to you, who treat you terribly, are NOT worthy of you. And you're still young. Be glad you're not married, and have no kids, or else this would be a million times uglier.

 

This will do nicely.

Move on and live gladly.

[Appleness]

Thanks KatZee and Tara,

 

I'm getting through it and all the time it means easier. The first month was very very hard. He was my first boyfriend after all and I hear that those memories tend to stick and hurt more. I spoke to his family the other day (our dog died a few weeks ago following the separation and his sister was giving me some pictures she had of the dog). Apparently, they are pretty confused about him too but I told them it was okay because I'm getting along fine. Now if I want to hang out with my friends then I can, etc and yes thank you, I know I look good

 

@KatZee: Geez, I really hope we haven't been dating the same guy cause you described him to a tee! During the first 3 years he was awesome but Dr. Jekyll just wouldn't stick around without letting Mr. Hyde have some of the fun, I guess. Progressively, over the last 5 years it's just been hot and cold all the time. After spending time away from him, I realized I didn't miss him; just miss the comfort of the relationship. I had to stop by 2 weeks after moving out and the first thing he said after "Hi" was "I have a feeling that when you moved out, you purposely took all the scissors!" while pointing to a loose thread on his shorts. *sigh* I really had to restrain myself from a snarky remark like "Yes, I did! I was trying to prevent you from killing yourself but I did leave you all the knives though..."

 

I learn that you make your own closure and that you don't owe them anything. It just makes me sad that the man I loved was a lie and never existed otherwise I would give anything to have him back. He is not the person who broke up with me.