Almost 8 months, just wish I could feel okay

[Exit]

I will need to continue you this later. I created my account just because I read your posts and felt the urge to reach out to you. So many similarities. Do you know what enneagram number you are by any chance? or do you have no clue about what that is? I will finish my post later.

 

Sorry I just noticed your reply now. Yes I've spent a fair amount of time diving into the personality test type of things. I'm a type 4 but if you're familiar with the test you might have been able to guess that from what I described about myself! Hope you'll come back and finish your thoughts, I can completely relate to the struggle of getting thoughts out through the keyboard sometimes, things make so much sense in my head but sometimes I have trouble with words lol. Sounds like we are similar in many ways.

 

Hey Exit, its obvious you have spent a lot of time reflecting on yourself as a person and that's really great. I've found finally facing our own issues is an essential first step to hopefully meeting someone we can spend the rest of our lives with and BE HAPPY.

 

My relationship also ended because of my low self-worth and self-confidence issues, which gave way to many other problems. I've found it really helpful to just sit and think about WHERE these feelings come from and WHEN they first started, usually its sometime in our childhood.

 

Just sitting there and analysing those memories can increase your self-awareness drastically, and you can eventually work on your healing yourself of those root causes.

 

The thing is, besides from ending relationship, these feelings of low self-confidence don't allow us to be happy...even in a relationship. So its very important to work on them and be happy with yourself before going into another relationship.

 

A lot of the times, the feelings we feel during a break up are less about the person or even directly about the relationship and much more about us and our past resolved issues that being in the relationship temporarily covered up but are now exposed more painfully than ever.

 

Take this as a learning process to heal yourself and you will surely meet another girl who you will be truly happy with

 

Thanks very much for that. It was honestly a little hard for me to type the last reply I wrote above because I hate having to admit the way I have been in my past relationships. I try to just be vague about my relationship issues most of the time because I hate having to talk about being controlling and stuff like that because it was never the kind of person I intended to be. Nice to see people being supportive...

 

You are right and I do spent a lot of time lately trying to figure out where this problem originated but I am struggling to find the one definite root. I did get picked on some years in schools but when I think back to those times and people it really doesn't jump out at me as what is causing insecurity years later. My family life was far from perfect, I wasn't abused or anything that serious but I think it would be fair to call my family pretty dysfunctional, I'd be willing to place most of my bet on the family situation giving me these issues, although still can't pinpoint exactly why.

 

You are absolutely right this does prevent me from being happy even when I am in a relationship because I can never really relax and trust that someone loves me. So I realize it's time to put up or shut up and I have some figuring out to do before I even begin to think about dating again.

 

And you're right yet again... I obsess about my ex so much but really I think that's just a decoy or a distraction from the real issue, me. My last ex, well, I did really love her and I saw a future for us, but she was really terrible, lied to me about so many things, never did a single thing to really show me any affection. I put more effort into one of her birthday gifts than she put into the entire relationship. So part of me knows this person is really not that worth missing. It has more to do with my issues. I guess the longer I obsess about her the longer I can avoid facing what I need to face. Although many times I feel ready to do whatever work needs to be done and get it over with but I'm not quite sure where to start.

 

I may not have the puzzle totally put together yet but I am definitely making more progress than ever in really figuring out what my deal is instead of just saying it was another crappy girlfriend and trying to find another one. I think somewhat unfortunately I am making ground in identifying what the problems are, but coming up with solutions is a little harder. I do think a lot of my issues came from childhood, but not sure what I can do about that now. I talk to one of my parents (mother) a lot to tell her how most of my memories are of getting yelled at or made to feel stupid and try to figure out what happened. And another aspect of this is I know my self esteem is bad because I really don't like the physical condition I am in, yet realizing how much of a key component this is to feeling happier, I still struggle to stick to my workouts and diet.

 

On a side note today was totally awful. For the first time in a long time I almost thought "Screw it, I should send her an email. 8 months without her and I still feel this crappy, I'm willing to take the chance that she tears me apart all over again just to see if she'll write back." Then thoughts of looking at Facebook to see if she happens to be single yet. But luckily I was able to resist doing anything stupid. Maybe this hot weather is screwing with my head. Oh well.

Edited July 6, 2012 by Exit

[royalblue6]

Sorry I just noticed your reply now. Yes I've spent a fair amount of time diving into the personality test type of things. I'm a type 4 but if you're familiar with the test you might have been able to guess that from what I described about myself! Hope you'll come back and finish your thoughts, I can completely relate to the struggle of getting thoughts out through the keyboard sometimes, things make so much sense in my head but sometimes I have trouble with words lol. Sounds like we are similar in many ways.

 

 

 

Thanks very much for that. It was honestly a little hard for me to type the last reply I wrote above because I hate having to admit the way I have been in my past relationships. I try to just be vague about my relationship issues most of the time because I hate having to talk about being controlling and stuff like that because it was never the kind of person I intended to be. Nice to see people being supportive...

 

You are right and I do spent a lot of time lately trying to figure out where this problem originated but I am struggling to find the one definite root. I did get picked on some years in schools but when I think back to those times and people it really doesn't jump out at me as what is causing insecurity years later. My family life was far from perfect, I wasn't abused or anything that serious but I think it would be fair to call my family pretty dysfunctional, I'd be willing to place most of my bet on the family situation giving me these issues, although still can't pinpoint exactly why.

 

You are absolutely right this does prevent me from being happy even when I am in a relationship because I can never really relax and trust that someone loves me. So I realize it's time to put up or shut up and I have some figuring out to do before I even begin to think about dating again.

 

And you're right yet again... I obsess about my ex so much but really I think that's just a decoy or a distraction from the real issue, me. My last ex, well, I did really love her and I saw a future for us, but she was really terrible, lied to me about so many things, never did a single thing to really show me any affection. I put more effort into one of her birthday gifts than she put into the entire relationship. So part of me knows this person is really not that worth missing. It has more to do with my issues. I guess the longer I obsess about her the longer I can avoid facing what I need to face. Although many times I feel ready to do whatever work needs to be done and get it over with but I'm not quite sure where to start.

 

I may not have the puzzle totally put together yet but I am definitely making more progress than ever in really figuring out what my deal is instead of just saying it was another crappy girlfriend and trying to find another one. I think somewhat unfortunately I am making ground in identifying what the problems are, but coming up with solutions is a little harder. I do think a lot of my issues came from childhood, but not sure what I can do about that now. I talk to one of my parents (mother) a lot to tell her how most of my memories are of getting yelled at or made to feel stupid and try to figure out what happened. And another aspect of this is I know my self esteem is bad because I really don't like the physical condition I am in, yet realizing how much of a key component this is to feeling happier, I still struggle to stick to my workouts and diet.

 

On a side note today was totally awful. For the first time in a long time I almost thought "Screw it, I should send her an email. 8 months without her and I still feel this crappy, I'm willing to take the chance that she tears me apart all over again just to see if she'll write back." Then thoughts of looking at Facebook to see if she happens to be single yet. But luckily I was able to resist doing anything stupid. Maybe this hot weather is screwing with my head. Oh well.

 

I know exactly how you feel, I feel like we've had a lot of similarities in our childhood. My dad was strict when I was younger, and even though he thought it would help me, a child doesn't need to hear constant criticism and bossiness to the point of suffocation. I felt like I was never good enough, hence not worthy and it led to a lot of low self-esteem issues as well as fear of rejection if I wasn't 'perfect'.

 

I understand how hard it is accept those faults within yourself, but realization and acceptance are the first steps, and the more you admit it out loud, the less frightening it is each time. Remember having faults doesn't make you a bad person, its normal. We've all been through some stuff in our lives.

 

I've been doing meditation to help me confront those past issues, and it has been helping me to understand why I feel the way I do and also helps me with patience and thinking before reacting...so that when I feel jealous or controlling, I can stop and think "This is ridiculous, I really have no solid reason to feel like this".

 

Also, I've been reading this book called "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot, its been really helpful, I suggest you give it a try. It talks about how we can deal with those past issues, keep away from our ex and better ourselves in order to be in a healthy, secure relationship.

 

One concept that really stuck with me is when she said people subconsciously choose/attract a partner with a similar degree of "brokenness" or issues in their life.

 

Looking at my ex, this was certainly true. Even though my issues ended our relationship directly, he also had A LOT of issues and problems. Reading your post, I see that your ex-girlfriend wasn't so perfect either and I'm sure also had some serious baggage from her past.

 

Let that be your motivation to change now. When you become a healthy, emotionally-healed person, you will also attract a person on the same level as you...and will hopefully never have to go through this again.

[BrokenMirror]

I dated my ex for almost three years and when he left me, I was devastated. I pushed away whatever pain I felt until I didn't feel any pain at all. I felt normal, and I hung out with friends. I was happy, laughing and what not. And then summer vacation came, and along with it came the pain. Because now i have time to myself , to think, and I broke NC after 4 months and I talked to him. I loved this guy, I would have done ANYTHING for him, I did do a lot for him. I stood through his verbal abuse and I helped him out in his life. Of course I miss him, I do. I loved him for three years and now I hurt too, and I wish I could speed up the proccess, but I can't. All I can do is sit through it and ride it out. One thing I have heard from a lot of members on here is that the person who truly loves us, won't hurt us like our exs have done. They won't take advantage of us, or abuse us. They won't leave us and stomp on our hearts. But I feel hesitant. What if the next person I like doesn't like me for who I am. What if who ever I find has a problem with who I am? Will I not find love ever? I'm rambling sorry, but hang on there. You will get better, we both will, and when we do, we won't look back on them.

[CopingGal]

Yeah. I've spent a lot of my life being fairly alone and I thought that automatically meant I must be okay with it, but I guess I'm not. I have put up with some pretty horrible treatment just to keep people in my life once I have them, which I guess is a pretty big clue that I probably don't like being alone that much. I do need to get more comfortable with it that way people won't have leverage against me. For a long time I have been in a universe of dealing with crappy people, or having nobody at all, and many times I would choose to stay with the crappy people.

 

As far as the similar reasons that I feel all my exes would give, I hate to even admit to it, but it would be my neediness and being clingy plus borderline controlling/jealousy issues. I hate to talk about it because there is such a stigma attached to it and people have preconceived notions about it. I am not controlling to be a jerk. I do not think women are objects and I do not think they should have nobody in their life except me. The reason I get this way is because of my horrible self esteem. In all my relationships I had a hard time once my gf wanted to start going out with their other friends more often and leaving me at home, but the catch was even if I was invited to go with, I wouldn't want to, because I don't like myself and I don't want to go meet a bunch of other people. Basically I've been overwhelmed by depression and low self esteem for many years now (only realizing it now though), and my ideal relationship was a girl who would love me enough to come into my depressed world with me and leave the rest of the world outside the door. I never looked at a relationship as a great chance to expand my circle of friends and meet all the people in my girlfriends life. I always kind of idealized the relationship where "it's you and me against the world" but I guess most people consider that toxic. I've never been the type to be so monstrous and try to isolate my girlfriends from their family or anything like that. I like meeting their family and spending time with relatives, that's no problem for me. It's just socializing with other idiots in my age group, the meeting up with other couples to hang out, going out to dinner, going to parties, I never liked that kind of stuff. So I think almost all of my exes would say they hate that I never wanted to do anything else, never wanted to meet up with other people, would cause an argument when they told me they were gonna go do something without me, etc. I know, pathetic. I don't like being this way though and I don't defend myself for it. I know it's not attractive and I know it's a sign of some personal issues. I've always wanted to be that type of boyfriend to say "oh, going out with the girls tonight? have a good time!" and go about my own business. But when your self esteem makes you feel about the size of an ant, you feel threatened by everything. Strangely enough with my low self esteem I was always able to catch really attractive, interesting women, maybe my lifestyle is initially interesting or mysterious, then they realize there's nothing sexy about the guy who wants nothing to do with the rest of the world lol.

 

I guess it makes more sense if I want to be an antisocial loner that I might as well stay alone rather than thinking I'm going to meet some girl who wants to be this way with me.

 

 

Exit, it sounds like you have some co-dependency issues. I'm sure I do too. When a person is co-dependent, break ups are horrifically painful for them. You need to come into a relationship as a full person, and not looking for someone to complete you. I think a good thing would be to start reading some books on codependancy and see if you think what's in the book applies to you. I think that's a good start and a free start if you get the book from the library:)

[CopingGal]

I dated my ex for almost three years and when he left me, I was devastated. I pushed away whatever pain I felt until I didn't feel any pain at all. I felt normal, and I hung out with friends. I was happy, laughing and what not. And then summer vacation came, and along with it came the pain. Because now i have time to myself , to think, and I broke NC after 4 months and I talked to him. I loved this guy, I would have done ANYTHING for him, I did do a lot for him. I stood through his verbal abuse and I helped him out in his life. Of course I miss him, I do. I loved him for three years and now I hurt too, and I wish I could speed up the proccess, but I can't. All I can do is sit through it and ride it out. One thing I have heard from a lot of members on here is that the person who truly loves us, won't hurt us like our exs have done. They won't take advantage of us, or abuse us. They won't leave us and stomp on our hearts. But I feel hesitant. What if the next person I like doesn't like me for who I am. What if who ever I find has a problem with who I am? Will I not find love ever? I'm rambling sorry, but hang on there. You will get better, we both will, and when we do, we won't look back on them.

 

Amen, Amen

[magneet]

i just want to say that i agree with this, and know the feeling.

 

I also used to get into a new relationship after a breakup, to help me heal, cope, etc.

 

That is why the relationship in my case ended as well, due to my baggage that i brought into it - and how i regret that.

 

I did go out for a while after my breakup, scored two girls. But i dont want to. i have got intention to meet girls. to charm them. to put effort into them. nor kiss them.

 

in a way, i want to be alright bymyself, i want to be happy with myself before i date again. or fall in love again.

 

i want the issues to be sorted out.

 

so we do need time for this. it does suck. but with time it will all heal again - you will get over it. be a stronger person, who wont sabotage the new relationship in a certain way. like they say - do what u love, and love will find u...

[Exit]

Hey everyone sorry for my delay in responding just wanted a few days away from LoveShack and try not to think about it so much.

 

I'm curious what happened to that "nothuman" member who replied and said they were going to finish their post later on and it appears they haven't been back.

 

 

I know exactly how you feel, I feel like we've had a lot of similarities in our childhood. My dad was strict when I was younger, and even though he thought it would help me, a child doesn't need to hear constant criticism and bossiness to the point of suffocation.

 

Also, I've been reading this book called "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot, its been really helpful, I suggest you give it a try.

 

One concept that really stuck with me is when she said people subconsciously choose/attract a partner with a similar degree of "brokenness" or issues in their life.

 

Let that be your motivation to change now. When you become a healthy, emotionally-healed person, you will also attract a person on the same level as you...and will hopefully never have to go through this again.

 

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. Yes, the criticism during childhood definitely leaves long lasting scars. I will look into that book, I already went through my book-reading period earlier in the breakup and I'm not sure I want to give the breakup that much power over my life to find myself reading another book at 8 months in, but then again if I'm stuck maybe I do need some more help, I will think about it.

 

The attraction of similar partners seems true in my experience. On one hand it's a great way to bond, I will always remember the initial conversations with my last ex sitting in her backyard or in my car talking about all we had been through with our families and past experiences. But yes, she had lots of unhealthy issues going on and so did I obviously. I do believe if I can work on myself and get better that when I reenter the dating pool I will be on different playing field instead of attracting more broken people.

 

Exit, it sounds like you have some co-dependency issues.

 

Oh yes, no doubt, I'm well familiar with the word and the issue. I know I am. Probably another thing learned in childhood, I think my mother is horribly codependent in a relationship that should have ended long ago. Now I struggle with it too.

 

One thing I have heard from a lot of members on here is that the person who truly loves us, won't hurt us like our exs have done. They won't take advantage of us, or abuse us. They won't leave us and stomp on our hearts. But I feel hesitant. What if the next person I like doesn't like me for who I am. What if who ever I find has a problem with who I am? Will I not find love ever? I'm rambling sorry, but hang on there. You will get better, we both will, and when we do, we won't look back on them.

 

I dunno, I believe that stuff and then again I don't. I do think someone who really loves me won't hurt me and give up and leave. But on the other hand, the more I accept how much of these problems are really my fault, I feel like I probably deserved to be left and it's entirely possible that a few of these girls really did love me and did plan for a future together but realized they had to get out when my demons never got any better. So it's a bit of each I guess, I need to handle my issues and stop making my relationships horrible, and I do have to find the real "one" who means what they say about how they feel about me.

[nothuman]

I am wondering if I should say everything on here or somewhere separate? Like a different place to speak to you. Man, i'm excited though we have plenty to cover and so many interesting mind blowing topics to discuss. Hahaha i'm also flattered you didn't forget about me. I just checked back and was like hm my post probably went unnoticed but nope. Alright i'm glad of that but let me know. And like I said I wouldn't really know where to begin, I feel like there's so much but once it begins it's smooth sailing from there and it'll all flow. I am also a 4. I can pinpoint them from a mile away that's so nuts. We'd have tons in common.

 

-Lisa

[hinatticus]

I feel your pain exit. My first love took a good 3 years to get over. I don't dream about my ex anymore but one time I fell asleep next to my son and he started grabbing my hand. I was soooo happy for about 3 seconds! I thought my ex was caressing my hand. Too bad it was only my son. I love him to bits so I was still happy, just a different kind of happy.

[Exit]

I am wondering if I should say everything on here or somewhere separate? Like a different place to speak to you. Man, i'm excited though we have plenty to cover and so many interesting mind blowing topics to discuss. Hahaha i'm also flattered you didn't forget about me. I just checked back and was like hm my post probably went unnoticed but nope. Alright i'm glad of that but let me know. And like I said I wouldn't really know where to begin, I feel like there's so much but once it begins it's smooth sailing from there and it'll all flow. I am also a 4. I can pinpoint them from a mile away that's so nuts. We'd have tons in common.

 

-Lisa

 

You can send me a private message or post here, whatever you are comfortable with. Glad you came back.

 

I feel your pain exit. My first love took a good 3 years to get over. I don't dream about my ex anymore but one time I fell asleep next to my son and he started grabbing my hand. I was soooo happy for about 3 seconds! I thought my ex was caressing my hand. Too bad it was only my son. I love him to bits so I was still happy, just a different kind of happy.

 

Thanks for the support. I've been in this position before I know I eventually feel better but it's still hard some days. Oh well.