Almost 8 months, just wish I could feel okay

[Exit]

I wish this nightmare world I'm in would finally stop. Somehow I've managed to ignore it for a while and pretend it wasn't there but I guess it came roaring back today. I'm sick of living in this world where everything still seems dull and foreign. I keep dreaming about her so often it's ridiculous. Which leads to her being on my mind when I wake up and starting the day off terribly. It must be almost every night for a while now.

 

I'm a little concerned because I have zero interest in meeting anyone else still. Is that an obvious indicator that I'm still not over it? I don't have a full profile on a dating website, just enough of an account to log in and browse around, and I can't find the slightest interest in anyone. This is totally new territory for me because for the last few years I would go a few months after the end of a relationship and always meet someone new and that would help me finish the remainder of the healing. On one hand I think this might be a good thing, breaking the cycle of relationship after relationship where the same issues kept surfacing, but on the other hand it's scary to wonder how long am I going to be alone, and will I ever want to be with someone else.

 

There is nothing left for me to process. I have thought about every detail of what happened a million times over 8 months and I still do not have acceptance or understanding. My wounds have not healed so much as I have just gotten used to living with them. Feeling the same pain for 8 months kinda makes it your new normal.

 

I'm not asking for any miracles, I don't want her to come knock on my door, and I'm not even asking to meet someone new, I would totally be happy to just wake up and finally feel okay, go about my life without hurting anymore.

 

July won't make it any easier. 4th of July was one of our favorite holidays together and then later in the month it's her birthday.

 

I feel like it's a slap in the face to anyone actually suffering from the disorder to suggest that I'm anywhere near the realm of PTSD just from the end of a relationship, but I feel I'm almost experiencing something like that. Constant nightmares, things trigger me on a daily basis, avoiding certain places or things, repeating painful memories. No I wasn't in a war or in mortal danger but in my lifetime this definitely was the most painful and abusive thing I ever went through (there even was physical abuse on her part towards the end). I did try therapy for a while, it got me nowhere. Not big on medication.

 

Oh well, I'm rambling with no idea on how to wrap this up. Just wish I could feel okay again. Yay... bedtime, wonder what I'll dream about tonight...

[Philosoraptor]

It sounds like your heart still isn't ready. Continue to be patient and kind with yourself and you'll get there. There's no rush here or timeline to keep. Just take care of yourself the best you can and continue to put yourself out there in places you do feel comfortable. Activity clubs, hobbies, etc. Places where you don't need to put your heart on the line.

[fucpcg]

Seriously, I feel ya. I could have written that almost verbatim. About a month ago I had a dream so vivid about her and I being together, that when I woke up I just about freaked out realizing only a dream. There's nothing wrong with you, break ups just suck.

[Reddice]

In my opinion, 8 months is not that long if you really loved the other person. It has now been 5 months for me. Though I feel a lot better than I used to, I still have some bad and really sad moments. For me, the thought that she can no longer be part of my life is the hardest thing to deal with. The idea that there will come a moment where I will no longer think of her at all. Just 6 months ago, I would have done anything for her. I would have even taken a bullet if it were necessary. All I wanted for her was to see her happy and to see her smile. She was all I thought about when we were together. Every choice I made was done with her interest in mind. Every penny I saved was for our future together. And now... I have to face the world all on my own again. But I guess that's just how life goes.

 

As far as dreams go, about 2 weeks ago I suddenly started dreaming about her again every night. She always came back to me and then left me again for the same guy. I hardly slept for 2 weeks straight. And suddenly, about 2 days ago, I dreamt again about her. This time she came back to me, but I rejected her. She wanted me back, but I told her there was no chance in hell we would ever get back together. I hope it means that I will soon be completely over her.

 

So hang in there, go out, date girls, go on holiday and have fun! Sooner or later she will be nothing more than a bad dream.

[Mcnulty]

I feel for you. it's been exactly 8 months for me too.

 

I don't think you're suffering PTSD, I think like me, you truly loved this person and didn't get closure.

 

The dreams and seeing and being places that spark memories...I get all that too, it's hard, really hard.

 

Time is our ally, nothing else with regard to getting over it. I feel a little better now than i did, but only a little...BUT, I remember I felt this way once before...totally heartbrokem, thought I would never get over this girl, but I have, i can now see her with her BF and drive past her house and feel nothing, because I realize enough time had passed for so many things to have happened in my life, so that now i reached indifference...so i know that IN TIME I will get over this one...I did it once and i'll do it again.

 

I'm looking at 12 months to hopefully reach indifference and until then, I will let these sad feelings come and go. Do not suppress your feelings, let them come..they will pass...trust me...you're not alone in how you feel.

[Thisisbs]

I'm one month in and would dread feeling like this 7 months later. Dreams do set me off and I lay in bed the next morning for a while, until I force myself up because I know I'd keep going if I stayed there.

 

It also feels like I'm not attracted to anyone and can't be. I used to see everyone as possibilities, and now no one else but her. It's a horrible thing ;[

 

Hang in there!

[StellaA]

I'm only 2 months in and it still hurts but I guess if I can take anything fir the future it is the fact that I am better than day 1 so I guess this has to mean something. Yes, if you loved them you won't get over them that quickly! I could not think of anything worse than dating someone else right now, so this is a normal feeling! But I am not closing the door, I'm just looking after me right now and who knows when and what might happen in the future! Just got to have faith and hope I guess

[skyisfalling]

If I can offer some advice, although people have mentioned that 8 months is not a long time to fully deal with the issues after your break up, it is a little concerning that even after 8 months you are not feeling better. It becomes a problem when time elapses and the person is not making progress moving toward recovery.. the pain should dull, not stay the same.

I strongly, strongly, advise that you seek some sort of therapy, perhaps see a counselor who can help you deal with the issues you have. Talking it over with a healthcare professional and allowing her to help you deal with the issues you have is certainly an option you might want to consider.

 

We're all in pain and we're all rooting for you. I hope you feel better Exit, please keep us updated.

Edited June 29, 2012 by skyisfalling

[nevadagirl]

Boy do I understand how you feel. I won't say that I am in the pain you are in because I am not but the fear of being alone and the pattern you described is exactly what happened/is happening with me. With all of my long-term boyfriends when the relationship ended I felt bad for maybe a month or 2 and then somehow met someone else and that helped me get over the rest. It's not like that this time. I have been a single girl for almost 10 months and sometimes it feels like I will be alone forever. I feel that logically I know that I shouldn't have to be in a relationship to feel okay.

 

Like you, I didn't want to need a relationship to get over the heartbreak.

 

I guess this is what makes this go round different for both of us. We are actually - alone.

 

I went through a phase where I felt like I had to go out every weekend and I had a dating profile and honestly, eventually it all got exhausting. I was forcing myself to go out and "have a good time"' and I wasn't having a good time. I didn't want to be hanging out with the people I was hanging out with. I wanted him.

 

With regards to your post about PTSD - I wouldn't be so sure. You probably shouldn't self-diagnosis, sure, but still I feel that relationships and the death of them are not taken as seriously as they should be in our culture. Work on you! Get back out there! You'll meet someone new! Whatever. Words.

 

A relationship ending can have severe psychological effects.

[Phanpooh]

Today is exactly my 7m, im not okay! I hate it when i dream, it just some memories, vivid but it always hold me back. I admit that im better than the first day but i just know im not okay. I also met someone, take a coffee or dinner and it always hit me harder. I dun know how long i could truly move on but i know i had no regret.

For my first time brokenheart, i needed 5y. How long this time?

[Sugarkane]

I also feel that if I had met a far better guy, I wouldn't of wasted far too much time trying to heal. Also being isolated and having unsympathetic family who didn't even seem worried despite being depressed and suicidal didn't help.

[Exit]

Thanks for the replies everyone. Believe it or not, my self esteem is so low, that even through the anonymity of an internet message board where all I'm doing is looking at a computer screen, generally when I create a thread of my own, I do not come back to it. It gets my anxiety going to wonder what people said back to me or whatever. But I was surprised to see so many replies so I felt it would be rude to not come back. Generally I like it when my threads sink like a rock with nobody noticing them so I don't feel bad for not coming back lol.

 

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. And for those who said I'm not in any danger but that it is a little worrisome to be feeling this bad, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't better at all in these 8 months. I'm sure I've improved and it's just hard to see it sometimes. If I felt the same level of misery that I felt 8 months ago I'd probably be dead by now. So I don't think we need to worry that I haven't improved *at all*, I just wish I could say I was closer to 90% instead of maybe 60.

 

It's true, I did just really love this one.

 

Part of me knows this isn't really about her anymore. I've uncovered so much about myself that caused problems in my relationships, I realize I have a lot of work ahead of me and maybe continuing to live in the past can distract me from doing the hard work I need to do.

[Sugarkane]

You aren't Alone Exit. A couple if weeks ago I had a nightmare and my ex was in it. It was something about vampires or my ex was a vampire or something.

[SerCay]

Part of me knows this isn't really about her anymore. I've uncovered so much about myself that caused problems in my relationships, I realize I have a lot of work ahead of me and maybe continuing to live in the past can distract me from doing the hard work I need to do.

 

This is the whole issue. I too am in the same situation. In my previous relationships, I would meet another person knocking me off my feet not long post break up, I would see others as an option the minute I broke up, I would enjoy being single and the joyful sparks of starting a new relationship any time soon in the future.

 

However...when there's a pattern, and we grow older and realise WE are the ones causing this pattern..it gets hard to move on and open your eyes. You know there's something wrong and you can't go on in these cycles and patterns your whole life.

 

Don't rush because you're used to change lovers quickly after one another. Get to know yourself, your fears, analyze your patterns of negative things and love and reassurance addictions. Build a strong self esteem.

 

Who knows, you might meet someone along the way

 

I think why you're truly stuck is because a) of course you loved her very much b) you're disappointed because once again you're losing dreams you've come to care about

[Sugarkane]

Sometimes I think it would just be easier just to use and completely lie to people like my ex does. As I actually loved the person and then being the dumpee (and other factors) it took me too long to get over someone.

Edited July 1, 2012 by Sugarkane
IPhone

[CopingGal]

Exit, you are trying to rush the healing process. Don't do that. It's good to process the relationship, as you have done. But sometimes answers come with that and time. In time the work you've done processing the relationship may help you to make more sense of what happend. I was emotionally abused and I'm telling you it has been a very difficult journey...any abuse will make the journey more difficult. For some people 8 months is not a long time. You have to just get comfortable with the pain and learn so that you would end up in a relationship again with someone who is abusive.

 

Next month will be a year since I left that bastard. I thought after a year I will be healed. Not so. It might take two. In the meantime I am going to concentrate on other things. Don't enter your next relationship broken...it's just not fair to the next person you date.

 

Instead of focusing on the next relationship, try to have one with yourself. Take yourself out to a nice restaurant for 4th of July. Do something you like to do very much. Treat yourself to an ice cream Sunday.

[Tiera D]

it took me approximately 8 months Exit,stay strong man..u will heal bro,u were here when i needed your help,im here to back you up now

 

TD

[Exit]

However...when there's a pattern, and we grow older and realise WE are the ones causing this pattern..it gets hard to move on and open your eyes. You know there's something wrong and you can't go on in these cycles and patterns your whole life.

 

Yeah this is exactly it for me. The sad truth is if you stood all my exes in a line and asked them why they left me they would probably all give very similar reasons. You can only try to believe in the "hey, it's her loss" mindset for so long before you start to realize the same patterns are popping up over and over again and maybe the problem really lies with yourself. I think that's why this one is really hard for me, it's not just another breakup where I float along until I meet the next one, this time I can't ignore the pattern anymore and I can't go through meeting another girl who I think I could spend my life with just to get dumped over the same stuff again.

 

Don't enter your next relationship broken...it's just not fair to the next person you date.

 

Treat yourself to an ice cream Sunday.

 

Yeah that's what I'm trying to avoid. I've used relationships as bandaids to cover up the places in my life where I've been broken for a long time. Now I know I can't do that anymore and I guess that's why I'm scared that I'm going to be alone for long while because I have a lot of work to do. And hah I treat myself to junk food way too often, a big part of my journey to start liking myself again is getting back in shape so I may have to skip the ice cream treat but I'll try to do something good for myself.

 

 

Thanks for the continuing replies and support everyone I suppose I will live to fight another day. I read all your replies I just quoted a few but I read them all, thanks.

Edited July 1, 2012 by Exit

[CopingGal]

Treat yourself to an ice cream Sunday.

 

 

Oops, I meant ice cream sundae. However, treating yourself to an ice crean on Sunday is good too.

[CopingGal]

Let me say this. I've been alone for much of my adult life and I hated it.

 

Now I'm alone, but I'm getting comfortable with it. If you can get comfortable being alone...not just tolerate it, but embrace it then you are probably less likely to put up with people's BS they are treating you badly and get out before you get too attached.

 

 

You said you feel your ex's are left you all for the same reasons. Do you feel comfortable disclosing what those reasons are?

[Snarks025]

I am in the same boat, it's been almost 10 months for me and I still replay the relationship everyday in my head (and dream about her often). I was doing some shopping at the mall today (the one we use to go to a lot), and I kept looking around waiting to see her. Much like yourself, I hope that I wake up one morning and don't feel that pain anymore.

 

BTW: Like others have said take your time entering another relationship. I dated someone else for about 6 months, but we broke up because the pain of my previous relationship starting shining through.

[CopingGal]

Do I "see" my ex when he's not there? Yep. Sometimes in the store I think I see him, but it's not . So many times I see posts on here and think he wrote it, but he did not. It's natural. And it will keep happening, but less as time goes by.

[Exit]

Let me say this. I've been alone for much of my adult life and I hated it.

 

Now I'm alone, but I'm getting comfortable with it. If you can get comfortable being alone...not just tolerate it, but embrace it then you are probably less likely to put up with people's BS they are treating you badly and get out before you get too attached.

 

You said you feel your ex's are left you all for the same reasons. Do you feel comfortable disclosing what those reasons are?

 

Yeah. I've spent a lot of my life being fairly alone and I thought that automatically meant I must be okay with it, but I guess I'm not. I have put up with some pretty horrible treatment just to keep people in my life once I have them, which I guess is a pretty big clue that I probably don't like being alone that much. I do need to get more comfortable with it that way people won't have leverage against me. For a long time I have been in a universe of dealing with crappy people, or having nobody at all, and many times I would choose to stay with the crappy people.

 

As far as the similar reasons that I feel all my exes would give, I hate to even admit to it, but it would be my neediness and being clingy plus borderline controlling/jealousy issues. I hate to talk about it because there is such a stigma attached to it and people have preconceived notions about it. I am not controlling to be a jerk. I do not think women are objects and I do not think they should have nobody in their life except me. The reason I get this way is because of my horrible self esteem. In all my relationships I had a hard time once my gf wanted to start going out with their other friends more often and leaving me at home, but the catch was even if I was invited to go with, I wouldn't want to, because I don't like myself and I don't want to go meet a bunch of other people. Basically I've been overwhelmed by depression and low self esteem for many years now (only realizing it now though), and my ideal relationship was a girl who would love me enough to come into my depressed world with me and leave the rest of the world outside the door. I never looked at a relationship as a great chance to expand my circle of friends and meet all the people in my girlfriends life. I always kind of idealized the relationship where "it's you and me against the world" but I guess most people consider that toxic. I've never been the type to be so monstrous and try to isolate my girlfriends from their family or anything like that. I like meeting their family and spending time with relatives, that's no problem for me. It's just socializing with other idiots in my age group, the meeting up with other couples to hang out, going out to dinner, going to parties, I never liked that kind of stuff. So I think almost all of my exes would say they hate that I never wanted to do anything else, never wanted to meet up with other people, would cause an argument when they told me they were gonna go do something without me, etc. I know, pathetic. I don't like being this way though and I don't defend myself for it. I know it's not attractive and I know it's a sign of some personal issues. I've always wanted to be that type of boyfriend to say "oh, going out with the girls tonight? have a good time!" and go about my own business. But when your self esteem makes you feel about the size of an ant, you feel threatened by everything. Strangely enough with my low self esteem I was always able to catch really attractive, interesting women, maybe my lifestyle is initially interesting or mysterious, then they realize there's nothing sexy about the guy who wants nothing to do with the rest of the world lol.

 

I guess it makes more sense if I want to be an antisocial loner that I might as well stay alone rather than thinking I'm going to meet some girl who wants to be this way with me.

Edited July 2, 2012 by Exit

[nothuman]

Nope you aren't crazy. F I have so much to say to this that I don't really know where to begin. Such a fond and deep understanding of what you're saying, and who are you are and what you're like yet I obviously don't even know you. Shiiiiiiit. Writers block is tough but I will attempt anyways. And ha hopefully you haven't abandoned this thread and will check back cuz I'm about to try to get out my words.

 

I know we'd be able to have good conversations. Probably not at first due to some slight (depending on the situation can be severe) social anxiety but eventually, and hiding behind the computer screen for sure haha.

 

You are a really deep person, maybe it's the depression but you are deep, complex and intelligent. I think those are the most beautiful types of people. It gives them depth, and they are authentic ...

 

I will need to continue you this later. I created my account just because I read your posts and felt the urge to reach out to you. So many similarities. Do you know what enneagram number you are by any chance? or do you have no clue about what that is? I will finish my post later.

[royalblue6]

Yeah. I've spent a lot of my life being fairly alone and I thought that automatically meant I must be okay with it, but I guess I'm not. I have put up with some pretty horrible treatment just to keep people in my life once I have them, which I guess is a pretty big clue that I probably don't like being alone that much. I do need to get more comfortable with it that way people won't have leverage against me. For a long time I have been in a universe of dealing with crappy people, or having nobody at all, and many times I would choose to stay with the crappy people.

 

As far as the similar reasons that I feel all my exes would give, I hate to even admit to it, but it would be my neediness and being clingy plus borderline controlling/jealousy issues. I hate to talk about it because there is such a stigma attached to it and people have preconceived notions about it. I am not controlling to be a jerk. I do not think women are objects and I do not think they should have nobody in their life except me. The reason I get this way is because of my horrible self esteem. In all my relationships I had a hard time once my gf wanted to start going out with their other friends more often and leaving me at home, but the catch was even if I was invited to go with, I wouldn't want to, because I don't like myself and I don't want to go meet a bunch of other people. Basically I've been overwhelmed by depression and low self esteem for many years now (only realizing it now though), and my ideal relationship was a girl who would love me enough to come into my depressed world with me and leave the rest of the world outside the door. I never looked at a relationship as a great chance to expand my circle of friends and meet all the people in my girlfriends life. I always kind of idealized the relationship where "it's you and me against the world" but I guess most people consider that toxic. I've never been the type to be so monstrous and try to isolate my girlfriends from their family or anything like that. I like meeting their family and spending time with relatives, that's no problem for me. It's just socializing with other idiots in my age group, the meeting up with other couples to hang out, going out to dinner, going to parties, I never liked that kind of stuff. So I think almost all of my exes would say they hate that I never wanted to do anything else, never wanted to meet up with other people, would cause an argument when they told me they were gonna go do something without me, etc. I know, pathetic. I don't like being this way though and I don't defend myself for it. I know it's not attractive and I know it's a sign of some personal issues. I've always wanted to be that type of boyfriend to say "oh, going out with the girls tonight? have a good time!" and go about my own business. But when your self esteem makes you feel about the size of an ant, you feel threatened by everything. Strangely enough with my low self esteem I was always able to catch really attractive, interesting women, maybe my lifestyle is initially interesting or mysterious, then they realize there's nothing sexy about the guy who wants nothing to do with the rest of the world lol.

 

I guess it makes more sense if I want to be an antisocial loner that I might as well stay alone rather than thinking I'm going to meet some girl who wants to be this way with me.

 

Hey Exit, its obvious you have spent a lot of time reflecting on yourself as a person and that's really great. I've found finally facing our own issues is an essential first step to hopefully meeting someone we can spend the rest of our lives with and BE HAPPY.

 

My relationship also ended because of my low self-worth and self-confidence issues, which gave way to many other problems. I've found it really helpful to just sit and think about WHERE these feelings come from and WHEN they first started, usually its sometime in our childhood.

 

Just sitting there and analysing those memories can increase your self-awareness drastically, and you can eventually work on your healing yourself of those root causes.

 

The thing is, besides from ending relationship, these feelings of low self-confidence don't allow us to be happy...even in a relationship. So its very important to work on them and be happy with yourself before going into another relationship.

 

A lot of the times, the feelings we feel during a break up are less about the person or even directly about the relationship and much more about us and our past resolved issues that being in the relationship temporarily covered up but are now exposed more painfully than ever.

 

Take this as a learning process to heal yourself and you will surely meet another girl who you will be truly happy with