turnera Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 shelly, I know it hurts to get trashed like this. But I hope you can see that the reason we're all saying the SAME THING is that you are being abused by your husband. And we also all see that, because you have been with him since 17, and do not KNOW anything else, you are incapable of seeing that being with him is not the ONLY choice you have. I know it's hard to comprehend. But more than HALF of all marriages end in divorce. The only reason YOURS hasn't is that you were willing to swallow your pride and accept whatever crumbs he throws your way. That is not a life, shelly. You deserve more. You do. And once you address this with a THERAPIST, you'll be able to see that you DO have choices, you CAN get him to become a decent husband (but not the way you're doing it), and even if you don't, you can have a great life without his abuse. You just have to ask for the help.
Artie Lang Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 you are really thick in a fog yourself. there's not much more I can say that hasn't already been said. you're gonna keep being treated like sh#t, as long as you allow it.
pink_sugar Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Would he do the same for you? This is what I said. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Hi Shelley, I know that this message board can be a very tough crowd for someone that feels low. I have come here for support at my lowest and felt like I was getting in **** from everyone that posted up. I was either "overreacting" or not "kicking him out fast enough." or it was "all my fault because I let him blah blah blah" I get that you've put a lot of work into saving your marriage. I don't think your husband has reciprocated that and is very emotionally abusive. My husband had to hit a very big rock bottom before he stopped treating me crappily. The path to that rock bottom started with me throwing him out when I caught him being inappropriate last year. Then he came back for a bit and things got much worse. Then I found out he was back drinking again and other issues. Out he went. My husband used to disappear when I would get upset over his garbage too. He would go overnight or even weeks at a time sometimes. I wouldn't know where he was etc. After I threw him out, I felt like I was going crazy for a bit. I posted up so many times here on loveshack and the people who didn't like what I was about eventually shut up and the noise disappeared except for the supportive folks. This isn't to say that they didn't get frustrated with me from time to time. I am glad I threw my husband out. It gave me the biggest chance to pull myself together and realize that there was much more to me then this marriage. I thought I knew it before, but when he was really gone and I was doing the divorce busting 180, I felt myself get so much stronger to the point where he couldn't steal my happiness if he tried. When we are in a relationship like this, we protect our marriage at all cost because we a) believe in it so strongly b) we feel like our spouse is a "nice" person at the core that others can't see and c) we feel like it's our responsibility to hold it together and if we don't, it means there is something wrong with us. We also think that our spouse will appreciate us more if we stick by them through the crappy way they are treating us. It really doesn't work that way. Our spouses might be "nice or great" people but they are 100% responsible for the way that they treat us. If they aren't going to treat us well, then there are 1 million other people that will because we treat others well. It is 100% our responsibility to treat our spouses well and ourselves well. It is not our responsibilty to make sure we are making ourselves into human pretzels to make sure our spouses treat us well. That's crap. What happened with my husband: he lived with friends for a bit and got loaded, a lot. Then he lived at Occupy Edmonton. Then he lived in the back of his car. Then he lost the right to even visit his daughter plus he came to know that I was moving on without him. Then it hit him. It wasn't "all my fault." It was stuff he had to work on fast. We both went to communication and domestic violence courses (in our case the incidence of physical violence had happened twice in our relationship of seven years. Very minor incidences.) but the emotional abuse and passive-aggressive communication including that taking off crap he did had to stop. I named my terms for his return. He didn't like them. He threw out a couple taking off again threats. I said goodbye. I was ready to fully live without him. He 180ed. Over the past six months I have been really impressed with his consistent, constant progress. He isn't taking off, yelling, griping, whining, not helping and focused only on what he can get and do for himself. He is interested in our counseling. To be completely honest: he's an excellent dad! But he couldn't have been without getting his ass kicked out the door. We teach others how to treat us. What ways have you shown your husband that it is acceptable to treat you? In sales, we are taught: as long as they are still talking, it's a negotiation. "no" is just a "request for more information." Are you saying "no" and then acting "okay, fine, whatever you want?" Or "okay, fine, after I yell and cry about it for an hour and then give in because I don't have the energy to fight it?" or "okay okay, it's fine after you leave and I feel bad or get scared?" Because any guy with a manipulation and honesty problem is going to get away with anything he can. The only way to make your actions match your words is to say "okay fine, make out with her" or lay down your terms and as long as he wants to call you stupid, you simply stonewall the ignorant sob. The happiness that we feel when we get away from an abusive relationship IS NOT artificial or fake. It isn't "consolation prize" happiness like "well I couldn't hack it in the marriage, but I'm special because I left and I can tell people that it was because I was strong when really I couldn't try hard enough." The happiness we feel when we end an abusive relationship comes from: not feeling sick to our stomachs worrying about how our spouse is feeling/thinking/doing/possibly going to do 24/7 because we are SCARED of what that is. We don't have to be afraid of being called names or being cheated on anymore. We don't have to watch them like a hawk to trust them. All of that noise gets turned right down. You can go outside and just appreciate things. You might have less to live on; but you get to actually enjoy what you have and actually LIVE instead of being filled with constant stress, anxiety and feeling unfairly compared to someone else. You can even laugh at the ow for potentially getting to inherit all of that moody abusive garbage. She wins the "prize." Offer to be his pen pal or something if you really need to keep in touch that badly. Write him from your vacation in Maui. Send a postcard. Attach a picture of you and the poolboy to the back of it. Whatever. No one is going to get stronger for you, and no one here is the Wizard of Oz so we can't give him a brain. 2
Author Shelly72 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 (edited) I think he feels as strongly for me as I do for him. I always told myself that the only reason I would leave him is if he ever treated my kids poorly. He's always been the best dad I could ever have hoped for. I'm filing for divorce on Monday. Edited July 5, 2012 by Shelly72
turnera Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I always told myself that the only reason I would leave him is if he ever treated my kids poorly. Do you notice that in these words, and in your previous actions, YOU don't matter? Why don't YOU matter, Shelly? Please get a therapist so you can get some help with this. 1
Author Shelly72 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Because it's obvious he doesn't love me or want to be with me anymore. He wants something else that for some reason I can't give him. I don't want to make him stay with me when he doesn't want to. That's not fair to anyone, except me.
TaraMaiden Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 What are you stating as the reason for your divorce? What are you filing under?
pureinheart Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Shelly, I'm not sure how you will take this because I'm not sure where you are at spiritually (if at all), although you have my thoughts and prayers. It seems by your posts you are all over the place. Do you have anyone to support you that is close?
dreamingoftigers Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Don't kid yourself, He's been shut to his kids too. I remember how much my fathers affair affected me, and I was 27. If you think that's okay for your kids to deal with because he laughs and plays with them sometimes, you are missing something. Your husband is a **** role-model and a lousy father. There: your grounds for divorce just came through. Shelley, what were your parents like? And btw, it's Thursday, you can file tomorrow if you feel like.
wow04 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Because it's obvious he doesn't love me or want to be with me anymore. He wants something else that for some reason I can't give him. I don't want to make him stay with me when he doesn't want to. That's not fair to anyone, except me. It's obvious because he had a great time with his kid? Are you serious? Have you told him you are filing for divorce? What does he want that you can't give him? Your reason for divorce should be that he was unfaithful.
Steadfast Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Your reason for divorce should be that he was unfaithful. Yep. And continues to be.
sally4sara Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Well hell, we got another walk away wife situation here since she is the one that will be filing! I notice none of the He-man Piss Patrol wants to touch this thread. Funny how not outraged they are over the idea of having to raise someone elses offspring or the sense of entitlement being exhibited here.........when its not happening to a man. I normally don't thing spousal support is warranted, but in this case I hope Shelly nails her husband to the wall in court. Let the OW new lawyer chickidee support her cake eater baby daddy. 1
nofool4u Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 5 years ago my husband had an affair with a woman 10 years younger than him, and 6 years younger than me. We worked through it because we're soul mates. He got her pregnant and they have a 4 year old son (who I can't stand) lately she's been bring him over to our house because she's been"studying". Every time she drops him off my husband practically runs out the door to greet them. She's not allowed in my home and they stand outside and talk whenever she comes. They both sit and giggle and she always reaches out and touches his arms, or his chest, or grabs his hand. When she leaves they always sit and hug each other, she basically grips onto him. Last night when she dropped off the boy he leaned in and KISSED HER!!! I wanted to scratch her eyes out!!! when he came back in I told him how disrespectful it was and he had the balls to tell me I was over reacting, and it meant nothing!!! How do I send this woman a message to stay AWAY from my man? After your thread about not liking his son, and now this, I don't know why you stay with him. Seems to me if any man is deserving of getting a pink slip handed to him, and having 1/2 his s**t taken away, its your husband.
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