Author Shelly72 Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 Leaving him would destroy me, I'd die for my husband in a split second. I've always been in love with him, from the moment we met. I realize now what I've done is wrong and I wish I could take it back. He's right I am stupid, I talked to him earlier and he was short with me. I just want him to come back.
2sunny Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Leaving him would destroy me, I'd die for my husband in a split second. I've always been in love with him, from the moment we met. I realize now what I've done is wrong and I wish I could take it back. He's right I am stupid, I talked to him earlier and he was short with me. I just want him to come back. Shelly... This is so UNHEALTHY it makes me terribly concerned for you. To settle for so little - is really sad. He knows you don't respect yourself - that's part of why HE knows he can get away with his bad behavior. You essentially just rewarded his bad behavior. No consequences for him just indicates that he will treat you even more poorly and just expect that you will put up with him being a complete a$$ to you. I can't even believe your lack of self respect and desperate means of trying to hang on to this complete loser of a man. 2
xxoo Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Leaving him would destroy me Staying will destroy you. Pick your poison, I guess. I highly recommend individual counseling. Figure out what you really want, and how you will live with your choices.
2sunny Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I thought leaving my exH would kill me... We were M 20 years. After the initial shock of how much strength I had - along with a ton of courage I mustered up - I STARTED TO RESPECT MYSELF! My happiness isn't depends on any man anymore! I've learned that I can be amazingly happy on my own. A big house and a cheating man does not make a gal happy - no matter how much you twist that equation. It kills the soul if you stay and look the other way - no one should live that way. 1
2sunny Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 To answer your original question - YOU can't keep her away from your H - mainly because HE WANTS to see her OFTEN... Probably way more often than you think. He's cheating - cant you see that? 1
eeyore1981 Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Shelly... This is so UNHEALTHY it makes me terribly concerned for you. To settle for so little - is really sad. He knows you don't respect yourself - that's part of why HE knows he can get away with his bad behavior. You essentially just rewarded his bad behavior. No consequences for him just indicates that he will treat you even more poorly and just expect that you will put up with him being a complete a$$ to you. I can't even believe your lack of self respect and desperate means of trying to hang on to this complete loser of a man. BBM Why can't you believe it 2sunny? You've been here a lot longer than me, and I've seen this story time after time, I can't help but guess you've seen it even more than I have. I can't remember a single instance of the betrayed, wronged, treated like crap spouse who grovels and begs and does everything they can to be a better person for their cheater having a happy ending, though, can you? Especially in a case like this, where the cheater, the actual wrong-doer, treats his victim, the spouse he betrayed, like that person is the one who has done wrong. Not one single case. Shelley, you don't want to listen to any of us. Why don't you go browsing through threads and see if you can find anything like your situation where the husband (or wife) saw the error of their ways and treated their spouse with respect and consideration? I'm afraid all you are going to find is BS's acting like you who ended up being left, and wondering what happened. When a BS takes the position you have taken, the cheater sees this as verification they can do whatever they want, no matter how horrible, and they will be met with more begging and pleading, not any consequences, not any discomfort on their end. They can cheat, belittle, demean, mock, verbally and emotionally abuse, and it's all good, because their spouse keeps coming back for more. This is what you are signing up for, Shelley. Believe it, don't believe it, it doesn't matter, it is what it is. 1
2sunny Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 BBM Why can't you believe it 2sunny? You've been here a lot longer than me, and I've seen this story time after time, I can't help but guess you've seen it even more than I have. I can't remember a single instance of the betrayed, wronged, treated like crap spouse who grovels and begs and does everything they can to be a better person for their cheater having a happy ending, though, can you? Especially in a case like this, where the cheater, the actual wrong-doer, treats his victim, the spouse he betrayed, like that person is the one who has done wrong. Not one single case. Shelley, you don't want to listen to any of us. Why don't you go browsing through threads and see if you can find anything like your situation where the husband (or wife) saw the error of their ways and treated their spouse with respect and consideration? I'm afraid all you are going to find is BS's acting like you who ended up being left, and wondering what happened. When a BS takes the position you have taken, the cheater sees this as verification they can do whatever they want, no matter how horrible, and they will be met with more begging and pleading, not any consequences, not any discomfort on their end. They can cheat, belittle, demean, mock, verbally and emotionally abuse, and it's all good, because their spouse keeps coming back for more. This is what you are signing up for, Shelley. Believe it, don't believe it, it doesn't matter, it is what it is. I have a hard time believing she loves him and believes he is the good man and father the fog leads her to believe. No man that DOES the things he's been doing is "good". Shelly is believing HER OWN LIES TO HERSELF! And the OW apparently broke it off with him - hmmmm, no wonder he's still trailing her a$$ - she is all he wants! He just doesn't want the D because he would lose half his assets. So ---> Shelly - you are his second choice. Why do YOU think that's enough? It SHOULDN'T be enough for a married woman! I'm sure he's with her now... Why is that ok with you? Where do YOUR kids think Dad went? His example as a father is not anyhing positive ---> you are teaching your kids to ACCEPT unacceptable behavior! THEY will also make the same ugly choices in their own marriages ---> because of the example that YOU show them ---> to stay and take abuse while married! Sad!!! 3
Artie Lang Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 this is not a relationship.....this is an obsession, Shelly. he knows you'll never leave him, that's why he's doing this and belittling you on top of it. you really need some help. he's already gone.....you just don't want to realize it. 6
pink_sugar Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Leaving him would destroy me, I'd die for my husband in a split second. I've always been in love with him, from the moment we met. I realize now what I've done is wrong and I wish I could take it back. He's right I am stupid, I talked to him earlier and he was short with me. I just want him to come back. Ask yourself this: Would he do the same for you? And there you have your answer. There are all kinds of men out there that will treat you much better and you sadly don't respect yourself enough to give yourself that chance. He will keep cheating...because he knows you will never leave him no matter what. He could get her pregnant again...would you still be with him then? Probably so.
MuscleCarFan Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Leaving him would destroy me, I'd die for my husband in a split second. I've always been in love with him, from the moment we met. I realize now what I've done is wrong and I wish I could take it back. He's right I am stupid, I talked to him earlier and he was short with me. I just want him to come back. You are NOT STUPID! Your husband is in the wrong by cheating on you and having a child with another woman! Get some counseling and get out of this toxic relationship!
M30USA Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I really want things to work out I've been with him since I was 17 and he's the only man I've ever been with. Sometimes I just hate him though, I don't know how he could hurt me this way. I know they aren't together any more, and apparently she's seeing someone else. She's the one who broke off their relationship the first time. My soon to be ex wife didn't let me get away with stuff even 10% as bad as that.
Summer Breeze Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Why even come in here to ask for help. I don't care if you take the advice you're given but at least discuss some of it and pretend you're keeping your mind open just a tiny bit. Shelly you aren't a victim anymore. You're officially a volunteer for him to treat you this way more and more. I hope someone keeps that kid in mind through all of this. I also think the OW deserves to know how you feel about him. I wouldn't let you near him. I'd let your H handle the visits and make sure you were out of the picture. Get some help and find a way back to living your life. 4
2sunny Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Why even come in here to ask for help. I don't care if you take the advice you're given but at least discuss some of it and pretend you're keeping your mind open just a tiny bit. Shelly you aren't a victim anymore. You're officially a volunteer for him to treat you this way more and more. I hope someone keeps that kid in mind through all of this. I also think the OW deserves to know how you feel about him. I wouldn't let you near him. I'd let your H handle the visits and make sure you were out of the picture. Get some help and find a way back to living your life. She is the victim - the victim of herself ( her own choices). I'm sure she was the victim in her childhood too - because she's only doing what she knows.
TaraMaiden Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 The problem is, that in spite of posting here and getting so much counsel and opinion to the contrary, she's not taking anything from that. And that's very frustrating. she started out as someone we all thought was a complete cow - she's gone from someone we had the impression was bolshy and opinionated, to somebody who patently has little or no backbone and is a complete walkover for her H to treat as he wishes. But none of this is getting through. I'm wondering what prompted her to post in the first place; if she is capable of projecting an image of someone who's opinionated, strong, animated and outspoken - is this just a façade, or conversely, something she suppresses at home? Which is the 'real Shelley'? Could be somewhere between the two - which could be classified as 'normal' - but in that case - what's it going to take to show her that what is happening is almost amounting to abuse? 1
Summer Breeze Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 She is the victim - the victim of herself ( her own choices). I'm sure she was the victim in her childhood too - because she's only doing what she knows. I'll gladly agree to disagree. I do agree she was a victim but after he cheated and she allowed him to remain in the M he's slowly gotten cozy with the OW right in front of her eyes. Kick him to the curb or stay and keep taking it. She's staying and taking it so to me that screams volunteer. If he were giving her any indication he wanted the M to work and was deceiving her I'd agree with you totally but that's not what's happening. He's flaunting it and she's taking it.
Author Shelly72 Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 I do feel like I deserve my husband, he's done for me than anyone else in my life. I couldn't ever even begin to thank him, he saved me from a physically abusive home when I was 17 and probably saved me from being killed. He has his faults just like anyone else does, but he has always been supportive and helpful to me, my children, and even my family. he knows he's attractive, and everyone we know loves him. So he could have some narcissism.
2sunny Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 No - he hasn't ALWAYS been supportive! He screwed another woman! THAT is NOT supportive! Your abusive back ground allows YOU to find unacceptable behavior acceptable.
SarahRose Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 The problem is, that in spite of posting here and getting so much counsel and opinion to the contrary, she's not taking anything from that. And that's very frustrating. she started out as someone we all thought was a complete cow - she's gone from someone we had the impression was bolshy and opinionated, to somebody who patently has little or no backbone and is a complete walkover for her H to treat as he wishes. But none of this is getting through. I'm wondering what prompted her to post in the first place; if she is capable of projecting an image of someone who's opinionated, strong, animated and outspoken - is this just a façade, or conversely, something she suppresses at home? Which is the 'real Shelley'? Could be somewhere between the two - which could be classified as 'normal' - but in that case - what's it going to take to show her that what is happening is almost amounting to abuse? This may be true but people have to work things out in their own way and their own time. There will be a time when she will say enough is enough but it isn't up to us strangers on a message board to decide that.
TaraMaiden Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I do feel like I deserve my husband, he's done for me than anyone else in my life. I couldn't ever even begin to thank him, he saved me from a physically abusive home when I was 17 and probably saved me from being killed. He has his faults just like anyone else does, but he has always been supportive and helpful to me, my children, and even my family. he knows he's attractive, and everyone we know loves him. So he could have some narcissism. this is getting confusing now. you posted this exact post in your other thread. Maybe ask the moderators to close one, because you're just duplicating now, and that's just going to confuse matters.....
turnera Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 How do I send this woman a message to stay AWAY from my man? Correction: How do I TELL MY HUSBAND I will not be his mistress? 1
turnera Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 5 I told him how disrespectful it was and he had the balls to tell me I was over reacting, and it meant nothing!!! Of course he told you this. You have no backbone and you aren't going anywhere, and he knows it. Pretty soon, she'll be living with you. He knows YOU aren't going anywhere, why should he care what you think? You make a great maid and occasional bedmate.
turnera Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I realize now what I've done is wrong and I wish I could take it back. He's right I am stupid, I talked to him earlier and he was short with me. I just want him to come back.Boy, he really taught YOU, didn't he? You dare to speak up to me about my cheating and my other wife? Fine. I choose her. And...when he comes back so you can be his maid and bedmate again, he knows damn well you learned your lesson and will NEVER stand up to him again. But what YOU said? Typical abuse victim speech.
2sunny Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 You WANT make her stay away when HE keeps inviting her in - even chasing her to be sure she isn't far away at all. He IS TOTALLY into HER - not you! He needs to because you WILLINGLY accept the role to be HIS doormat! Dont be THAT gal anymore!
pureinheart Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Leaving him would destroy me, I'd die for my husband in a split second. I've always been in love with him, from the moment we met. I realize now what I've done is wrong and I wish I could take it back. He's right I am stupid, I talked to him earlier and he was short with me. I just want him to come back. Would he do the same for you? 1
darkmoon Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 (edited) shelley, i knew a married man with three daughters, he had a son outside the home, like your problem, too the wife understood that her sexy well-off businessman husband fooled around (he even had paper napkins from a nightclub in his pocket one time) the three daughters met the son as siblings and hung out a bit now and again, i think this is what priveledged men expect, difficult... Edited July 3, 2012 by darkmoon
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