pink_sugar Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Wow another thread in addition to the not liking his son. I find it amazing you are trying to find fault in everyone involved EXCEPT your husband, the one who started all this. I understand you've been with one person for so many years as have I, but it's time to move on. How many times has he cheated do you know? Usually once is POSSIBLY forgivable, twice or more, always a cheater. Even more so since he impregnated this woman. I never understood why the cheating victims are usually taking it all out on the OM or OW, rather than the cheating spouse. Maybe it's because of the denial. Your husband is taking advantage of the fact that you're so willing to stick by him through all of this and disrespecting you continuously. Stop taking it out on the kid and stand up for yourself and divorce him. 3
2sunny Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Your husband is taking advantage of the fact that you're so willing to stick by him through all of this and disrespecting you continuously. Stop taking it out on the kid and stand up for yourself and divorce him. This is a boundary a healthy woman would have - one that respects herself. He knows you don't respect yourself enough to divorce him. I'd get a job - one that supports yourself. You may need to live without your usual luxuries - but respecting self is worth any and all material sacrifices. Your kids must feel sad for you - watching you betray yourself by staying as he has continually betrayed the family with no action and consequences from you. 3
whichwayisup Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 5 years ago my husband had an affair with a woman 10 years younger than him, and 6 years younger than me. We worked through it because we're soul mates. He got her pregnant and they have a 4 year old son (who I can't stand) lately she's been bring him over to our house because she's been"studying". Every time she drops him off my husband practically runs out the door to greet them. She's not allowed in my home and they stand outside and talk whenever she comes. They both sit and giggle and she always reaches out and touches his arms, or his chest, or grabs his hand. When she leaves they always sit and hug each other, she basically grips onto him. Last night when she dropped off the boy he leaned in and KISSED HER!!! I wanted to scratch her eyes out!!! when he came back in I told him how disrespectful it was and he had the balls to tell me I was over reacting, and it meant nothing!!! How do I send this woman a message to stay AWAY from my man? How about getting pissed off at your husband? He is the one with the wandering penis. He IS making moves on her, it isn't one sided. Sure be angry at her too but MOST of your anger should be at him. In all honesty, the best thing you can do is divorce him since he can't be faithful to you, you hate his son, your marriage is doomed to fail, throw in the OW, (she isn't his ex, they are STILL together) and the fact he is gaslighting you (making it seem like you're overreacting) just shows what an a-hole he is.
Author Shelly72 Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 I sat him down and told him how I felt. I told him how I feel about his son, and told him to make a choice. He told me I was crazy and stupid, and he couldn't believe me. He told me his son is his favorite because he reminds him of himself when he was little. He told me he couldn't be in the same house with me tonight. He stormed out, he won't answer my calls or my texts. I'm sure he's with her right now. So now I'm sitting alone in my house, I really don't want to lose him, I truly love him.
MuscleCarFan Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I sat him down and told him how I felt. I told him how I feel about his son, and told him to make a choice. He told me I was crazy and stupid, and he couldn't believe me. He told me his son is his favorite because he reminds him of himself when he was little. He told me he couldn't be in the same house with me tonight. He stormed out, he won't answer my calls or my texts. I'm sure he's with her right now. So now I'm sitting alone in my house, I really don't want to lose him, I truly love him. Time to suck it up and divorce the guy. You deserve better.
pink_sugar Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Not only has he torn apart your family, but he's choosing favorites too? He's really destroying your family and certainly his other kids deserve better than this also. 1
threebyfate Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Haven't read anything but the opening post. Shelly, get rid of him. He's not your soul mate. 1
SarahRose Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I sat him down and told him how I felt. I told him how I feel about his son, and told him to make a choice. He told me I was crazy and stupid, and he couldn't believe me. He told me his son is his favorite because he reminds him of himself when he was little. He told me he couldn't be in the same house with me tonight. He stormed out, he won't answer my calls or my texts. I'm sure he's with her right now. So now I'm sitting alone in my house, I really don't want to lose him, I truly love him. what is there to love about someone who cheated on you and knocked her up and now insists on rubbing the both of them in your face. you really have to put the good times aside in your thinking as what he has done is doing is disgusting. if you stay with him you are going to have to put up with the kid and him rubbing it in your face for decades. Is that love and is that how you really want to live. that is for you to decide. i think he has made how it is going to be with him and his third wheels very clear.
Author Shelly72 Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 Before we really started to fight I told him how the kiss made me feel, and he told me it was just a kiss goodbye. I told him it was way too passionate for just a goodbye kiss, you don't sink into the person you're just kissing goodbye. He said the fact I'm acting this way shows him how stupid I really am. That was like a knife in my chest.
TaraMaiden Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Before we really started to fight I told him how the kiss made me feel, and he told me it was just a kiss goodbye. I told him it was way too passionate for just a goodbye kiss, you don't sink into the person you're just kissing goodbye. He said the fact I'm acting this way shows him how stupid I really am. That was like a knife in my chest. This is what he thinks of you. this is how he sees you. This is his true opinion of you, and probably has been since he looked for sex elsewhere. He's in love with her, not you. He wants to be with her, not you. Shelley - it's over. You cannot love and forgive a man who flaunts his affair so publicly and tells you that you are stupid. You need to consult a solicitor/lawyer, and kick him out. 5
pink_sugar Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Before we really started to fight I told him how the kiss made me feel, and he told me it was just a kiss goodbye. I told him it was way too passionate for just a goodbye kiss, you don't sink into the person you're just kissing goodbye. He said the fact I'm acting this way shows him how stupid I really am. That was like a knife in my chest. If he is really over her, there should be no kissing...period! I know it's a cultural custom for some, but given the situation and if he's really made up with you...inappropriate on all levels! 2
Silly_Girl Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Shelly, you don't strike me as a dim person, but it sounds as though you're struggling with perspective right now. I haven't read this whole thread, but I have followed your other one. I am not clear why people are 100% no-question convinced your H is cheating on you, but that aside, it does seem as though you see your relationship with him through the ol' rose-tinted specs and are keen to blame anyone else (boy, boy's mother) rather than him. I wonder whether you're clinging to him, or the notion of he and you together, in part because you had him first and because you want to 'win', you want to be the victor over these interlopers. Your focus should be on your marriage and how the two of you can compromise and resolve issues and eliminate the things that come between you. That will encompass the lad and all of that, but in pursuit of a better marriage, not with the sole focus on removing these people from your world because it simply isn't going to happen like that. Your kids may very well want a positive relationship with the boy in years to come so there's no quick fix. I think you need to think long and hard about what you want for yourself, what you can tolerate and how you will go about achieving good things for yourself and improving your life on a day to day basis. Whether that's a divorce, or some good family counselling, or something else entirely. I think you have more control over your situation than you realise, only maybe not in the way you think you want (I.e. forbidding your husband from parenting his son).
Artie Lang Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 you don't love him.....you just don't want to let go and see her end up with him. that's the truth. pathetic, if you ask me. 6
Silly_Girl Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 you don't love him.....you just don't want to let go and see her end up with him. that's the truth. pathetic, if you ask me. Thanks for summarising my whole rambly post in to your first sentence 1
stillafool Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I sat him down and told him how I felt. I told him how I feel about his son, and told him to make a choice. He told me I was crazy and stupid, and he couldn't believe me. He told me his son is his favorite because he reminds him of himself when he was little. He told me he couldn't be in the same house with me tonight. He stormed out, he won't answer my calls or my texts. I'm sure he's with her right now. So now I'm sitting alone in my house, I really don't want to lose him, I truly love him. Really Shelly? Are you that selfish that you would deprive that little boy of his father? What has a 4 year old done that could make you hate him so much? Is it his fault that his father had sex and created him? You should be ashamed of yourself for saying that to him. I'm sure you gave your husband the excuse he needed to go over there and be with them. Do you have a son by him? If so that was really mean to say her son is his favorite because he reminds him of him when he was a little boy. It was the wrong thing to say even if you don't have a son with him and only daughters. BTW, your husband didn't build a house for you he built it for him.
eeyore1981 Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Well, Shelley, this is going to sound a lot like an 'I told you so' post because there will be references to 'I told you so' but that is not the point of this post. You put your situation out here. Many posters responded, tried to talk to you, tried to help you, but you would have none of it. I flat out told you not to make this ultimatum unless you were prepared for your husband to pick the kid, you didn't listen, and now look what has happened, where you are, and how you are feeling... Now what's done is done. Shelley, try to let what people are saying to you penetrate your brain. Can your husband force you to honestly embrace and love this child he had with another woman? You know the answer to this, no, he can't. So doesn't that tell you on some level you can't force your husband to come back into the marriage you want to have if that isn't what he wants? Wanting and needing your husband and marriage with all your heart and soul and all the crushing pain that goes along with it doesn't make it happen. You need to start preparing for the worst RIGHT NOW. Not being prepared is not going to make this go away. I could post for an hour on what you should and shouldn't have done, but there's no point. Learn from your mistakes. Monday morning, go to an attorney, get your ducks in a row, gather up all info you can about the affair if your state has infidelity clauses. You don't have to file for a divorce, you don't have to end the marriage, but you also don't have to sit around with your head in the sand pretending all is right with your world when clearly it is not. 3
alexandria35 Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Eeyore is so right. If you were going to issue an ulitmatum it should have been to force a choice between you and the OW. As in, if he wants the marriage he would have to stop all unneccesary contact with the OW. No more sitting outside chatting and giggling, no touching or kissing, no being alone together whatsoever. Why you made this a choice between you and his son is beyond me and anyone here could have told you that you were going to be the loser with that ultimatum. It doesn't matter the circumstances, there is no way you can tell someone to choose between you and their kid, and not look crazy and selfish. The little boy is not destroying your marriage the OW and your husband are, but it's your husband who is mostly at fault here. Now he is probably crying on the OW's shoulder about how you so heartlessly and selfishly tried to stop him from seeing his son. Although I think you made a big mistake with your approach I think it may be for the best anyways. Your husband thinks you are stupid because you're not pleased about him kissing the OW right outside your front door. He says the other child is his favorite child. What a prick! I really think you will be better off with that narcissitic tool out of your life. It's hard to accept the other child, I understand that, and you don't have to do it. You can end the marriage and leave this all behind you. Nobody can force you to accept that child and nobody would blame you for leaving the marriage at this point. 4
pink_sugar Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 (edited) Since it's clear this marriage has been on its way out for a long time and pretty much over now, Shelly do you have any friends or family you can stay with until you are able to get back on your feet? From my understanding you don't have an income. Do you both own this house?You most certainly could get alimony from him. Edited June 30, 2012 by pink_sugar
MissBee Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 (edited) I sat him down and told him how I felt. I told him how I feel about his son, and told him to make a choice. He told me I was crazy and stupid, and he couldn't believe me. He told me his son is his favorite because he reminds him of himself when he was little. He told me he couldn't be in the same house with me tonight. He stormed out, he won't answer my calls or my texts. I'm sure he's with her right now. So now I'm sitting alone in my house, I really don't want to lose him, I truly love him. Shelly...not to be harsh, but I would ask you the same thing if I were him. Don't you have kids too? What would you do if your husband or some other man, who wasn't their father esp., asked you to choose him or them??? As a mother you must realize how ridiculous, selfish, immature and insane that sounds. In any case he is emotionally abusive as he is in the wrong about kissing this woman and is calling you stupid for having as problem with it. That is insane, cruel and abusive on his part! Your husband is no saint and you keep saying you love him...you need to love yourself more than you love him. If you did love yourself more, you wouldn't allow him to treat you this way, you wouldn't allow yourself to hate a baby who did nothing to you and you wouldn't keep making excuses for him disrespecting you with his ex(probably current) OW. I suggest as others have said, that you start looking for ways to support yourself, perhaps some counseling so that you can figure out how to obtain strength and perspective and tell your husband to leave. You trying to blame the baby and the OW will get you nowhere. The fact that your husband left and you say you are SURE he is with the OW means that obviously your reconciliation is a sham, he doesn't respect you and it is NOT because the OW is luring him away. He is CHOOSING it! You obviously don't trust him and based on what he did in the past and that he kisses her in front of your house, it is no huge leap to think he would have NO issues with cheating again, and that he very well may be...even you yourself feel this is the case. You seem to be hanging on to his ankles as he drags you around. Get some counseling for yourself so that you can break through this denial. I know it is hard when you've been with someone a long time but putting lipstick on a pig doesn't change what it is....it just hurts and erodes your self worth more and more as you up the ante on the denial in order to continue being with the pig. Edited June 30, 2012 by MissBee 1
Steadfast Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I sat him down and told him how I felt. I told him how I feel about his son, and told him to make a choice...So now I'm sitting alone in my house, I really don't want to lose him, I truly love him. You're both right...and wrong. Do you really need one more person to tell you that your obsessive dislike towards an innocent child would make any decent person run away? Or that your husband is an a-hole? You've been given great advice here by everyone. Artie is right; you don't know what love is, but you sure know what want is. You want your house, you want him, you want to win...even at the expense of a little boy who had no say in the matter. Him, along with the kids you have are truly the only innocent people in the situation. I'd include you, but I can't now. The only solution is divorce. After that, take a good hard look at yourself. 1
SarahRose Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 you don't love him.....you just don't want to let go and see her end up with him. that's the truth. pathetic, if you ask me. Nah, what is pathetic is what he did and is doing to her and expecting her to put up with it.
xxoo Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 This marriage is so bad for you. It is making you into a bitter, hateful person. You don't want to be that person, do you? That is the price for being with this man. You can have the highs: the passionate sex, the comforts, the history--but it comes with a price. The price is your soul. You will become a person you do not want to be--hateful of a child, distrustful of women, angry and broken. Choose to be the best version of yourself, bright and full of life. Can you do that with this man, kissing that women, and raising a child with her? I don't think so. Make it happen. Keep your eyes on the real prize: peace and happiness. 1
frozensprouts Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 OP, the next time you talk to your husband, the only words you need to say are "it's over", but before you do that, contact a lawyer to find out what your rights/responsibilities are... Once you know where you stand, you'll be able to make some choices about your life that are what's best for you, and he can o take a flying leap... don't argue, don't lecture, don't cry when you say it's over...just do it, and let him find his own way forward 1
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