Author Shelly72 Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 I haven't worked since my husband was in school and I had to support him. I did hair and I was pretty good at it. I don't think he would ever leave me, he tells me he loves me, and is still affectionate towards me. The only time he wasn't was when he was seeing this woman. I always viewed his affair with her as a mid-life crisis, not anything else. I guess if my daughter was going through this I'd tell her to follow her heart.
Artie Lang Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL. your husband is a DOUCHEBAG.....PLAIN AND SIMPLE!!! when are you gonna wake up, Shelly? 1
96nole Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I haven't worked since my husband was in school and I had to support him. I did hair and I was pretty good at it. I don't think he would ever leave me, he tells me he loves me, and is still affectionate towards me. The only time he wasn't was when he was seeing this woman. I always viewed his affair with her as a mid-life crisis, not anything else. I guess if my daughter was going through this I'd tell her to follow her heart. OK. Go get a job doing hair again. What do you have to lose? And don't let him try to use it as an excuse against you for some reason. If he does, there are ulterior reasons for it. I never thought my wife was capable of cheating on me. Boy was I wrong. Did you ever think your husband could cheat on you? So stop believing that he would never leave you. Hopefully he doesn't. Hopefully he never cheats again. Hopefully everything works out for the best. But be ready if it doesn't.
frozensprouts Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 OP, going back to doing hair is an excellent idea. Give yourself some idependance and a sense that you will stay because you want to, not because you have to. You will open up a whole lot of choices for yourself, and if you don't want to put up with his crud, you'll have other options. 2
darkmoon Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 (edited) Shelly said "I'm still with him because he can be a perfect husband, (he hasn't been lately though, but again only when they're around) he is the perfect father to our children, he provides for me, has made it so I can stay at home with our children, built me a beautiful home, and has always been supportive of my goals." i think she is baiting you; she wants you two to argue, your husband is successful/eligible, i would not walk out, because you'd be a single mother of two, a divorcee, i know you don't want that, i think your husband is being played at bit, but don't rise to the bait, unless you leave and, um, she moves in, as i said, i think she is baiting you, keep calm and carry on Edited June 29, 2012 by darkmoon
Author Shelly72 Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 Shelly said "I'm still with him because he can be a perfect husband, (he hasn't been lately though, but again only when they're around) he is the perfect father to our children, he provides for me, has made it so I can stay at home with our children, built me a beautiful home, and has always been supportive of my goals." i think she is baiting you; she wants you two to argue, your husband is successful/eligible, i would not walk out, because you'd be a single mother of two, a divorcee, i know you don't want that, i think your husband is being played at bit, but don't rise to the bait, unless you leave and, um, she moves in, as i said, i think she is baiting you, keep calm and carry on This is what I've been thinking lately, I think she wants him to leave me for her. I feel like giving up on the most important person in my life is just setting her up to win. 1
eeyore1981 Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 This is what I've been thinking lately, I think she wants him to leave me for her. I feel like giving up on the most important person in my life is just setting her up to win. So you are willing to set your husband up as the prize and figuratively duke it out with another woman over him? It takes all kinds to make the world go round, and if this is the kind of marriage you want to be in, more power to you, but is this what you really want? I know, believe me I know, how hard it is to see the forest for the trees when you are right in the middle of it all. I remember writing stuff down in the past, and being so shocked and disgusted of how bad it looked when it was all written down in black and white. The thing is, it didn't just look bad, it was bad. I ended up staying with my husband, and it was a very difficult decision, and that was with the OW no longer being in the picture at all. Now some of my self imposed chains are off, and I'm rethinking this whole marriage thing. My situation is also a lot different from yours. While I did and still do love my husband, and while it would have and still will hurt to be done with him, being with him was not why I stayed. I don't think it's asking too much that your husband meet this woman at the front door, take possession of the child, and then shut the door, period, end of story. There is no reason for these two to sit out on your front porch giggling and kissing. Some people have made reference to you setting boundaries, and in some way that ticks me off. Is your husband brain damaged and mentally incompetent? Does he really have to have it spelled out for him that it is disrespectful of you, his family, and his marriage to be hanging out on the front porch kissing another woman? Especially another woman he had an affair with that produced a child? I think back on some of the stuff I did and I went through trying to put my marriage back together, and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, so to this day I don't understand why I thought it was okay for me to endure. I don't understand why you think it's okay for you to put up with, either, but on the other hand, forest and trees....
96nole Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Some people have made reference to you setting boundaries, and in some way that ticks me off. Is your husband brain damaged and mentally incompetent? Does he really have to have it spelled out for him that it is disrespectful of you, his family, and his marriage to be hanging out on the front porch kissing another woman? Especially another woman he had an affair with that produced a child? Because when they are in the "fog" they need the simplest things spelled out for them. Throw in their past history and that he may think Shelly isn't going anywhere because she can't, may lead to him thinking he can do what he wants. Of course she wants your husband. I'm sure in her mind, he leave you and your kids and becomes the wonderful provider to her and their child. She's not thinking that he will still be financially responsible for you and your kids. She's not thinking about all the baggage he will bring.
Furious Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Does the ex-other woman know how you feel about her little boy? This situation is frightening, I really think you need to get Individual Counseling on how to handle the anger and obsession you are experiencing. You were done wrong but you cannot continue this way.
Author Shelly72 Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 You're absolutely right, if I didn't have to worry what he and the ow were doing when they're alone I would never let this child near me, my home, or my children. I have no idea if she knows how I feel, I've only spoken to her once. It was extremely short and hasn't happened again. I think I'm going to give him an ultimatum, the kid or me.
eeyore1981 Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 You're absolutely right, if I didn't have to worry what he and the ow were doing when they're alone I would never let this child near me, my home, or my children. I have no idea if she knows how I feel, I've only spoken to her once. It was extremely short and hasn't happened again. I think I'm going to give him an ultimatum, the kid or me. Whoa there, Nellie!!! Please think long and hard about 'the kid or me' and make sure you are prepared if he picks the kid. Don't go into this thinking you know what he's going to do, you might find yourself unpleasantly surprised. 1
KathyM Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I think it's time to leave this husband. He obviously has a thing for her still, and she does for him, and he is being unfaithful to you by showing her affection, and right under your nose even. I'm sure you're not interested in being the outsider in this love triangle, and that seems to be where you are in this. He may want to have both relationships--you and the OW, but it can't continue like this. I would leave, if I were you, but if you feel you must stay with him, at the very least, tell him you expect minimal contact between him and her, and only as it relates to their child, and that affection shown towards her is out of place and you will not be sharing your husband with another woman. 1
eeyore1981 Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Because when they are in the "fog" they need the simplest things spelled out for them. Throw in their past history and that he may think Shelly isn't going anywhere because she can't, may lead to him thinking he can do what he wants. Of course she wants your husband. I'm sure in her mind, he leave you and your kids and becomes the wonderful provider to her and their child. She's not thinking that he will still be financially responsible for you and your kids. She's not thinking about all the baggage he will bring. BBM Do they, or is that just part of the manipulation?
BetrayedH Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Whoa there, Nellie!!! Please think long and hard about 'the kid or me' and make sure you are prepared if he picks the kid. Don't go into this thinking you know what he's going to do, you might find yourself unpleasantly surprised. Agreed. This is not about the kid. He is the kid's father and needs to act in that fashion. He can choose between you and the OW. That's the ultimatum he needs, assuming for some reason you evrn want this dude. Kissing the OW in front of your house? Really? It seems incredible that you even need advice on what to do here. 1
Artie Lang Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 it has nothing to do with the kid. it is a boundary issue. your douchebag of husband isn't being respectful of you during these "drop offs." i say again- WAKE UP!!!
goodthingscome Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 5 years ago my husband had an affair with a woman 10 years younger than him, and 6 years younger than me. We worked through it because we're soul mates. He got her pregnant and they have a 4 year old son (who I can't stand) lately she's been bring him over to our house because she's been"studying". Every time she drops him off my husband practically runs out the door to greet them. She's not allowed in my home and they stand outside and talk whenever she comes. They both sit and giggle and she always reaches out and touches his arms, or his chest, or grabs his hand. When she leaves they always sit and hug each other, she basically grips onto him. Last night when she dropped off the boy he leaned in and KISSED HER!!! I wanted to scratch her eyes out!!! when he came back in I told him how disrespectful it was and he had the balls to tell me I was over reacting, and it meant nothing!!! How do I send this woman a message to stay AWAY from my man? I am going to address your last question first. YOU can't send her a message, the person you need to get the message across to, is your so called soul mate! You are allowing him to totally disrespect you and your relationship with his behavior. An affair is hard enough to work through, I can't imagine an OC thrown in the mess. That being said, it's not the child's fault that both of his parents have the morals of an alley cat so don't blame him. As to the "kiss", well I would have packed his crap and sent him and the OC to her!! That would have been the final straw. You need to stand up and state your wants/needs and if he wants to remain in the relationship, he will do whatever you need him to do. YOU were the victim in this during the affair, but by allowing his disrespect/actions you are no longer a victim you are an active participant. There is NO flipping way my husband would act like yours, not if he wanted to live!!!! Are you sure the affair is over? Hate to say it, but it sounds like there are still embers burning... He has a child and you can't hate him for wanting to be a parent. If you can't get past his "forever" relationship with the OW/OC then you need to seriously think about moving on. Trust me, there is someone out there that can become your new "soulmate" without the baggage. Good Luck
Steadfast Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I think we've found the cheater's secret weapon; collateral!
darkmoon Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 (edited) go back to on her feet all day, two teens to mother, and single evenings at home, while depriving her two kids of thier dad, sorry, but i think that shelley might not be much happier, morally in the right, plenty high ground, but, then what? Edited June 30, 2012 by darkmoon
2sunny Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 We have two wonderful children ages 14 and 16 I'm 39, we just celebrated our 22nd anniversary, we went away for a week to the Bahamas. It was filled with passionate love making, so I know he's still attracted to me. We have always been great together, we get along perfectly when his son isn't around. We never had a Fight that was physical until he told me he'd been seeing someone else, and it was ruthless. I'm still with him because he can be a perfect husband, (he hasn't been lately though, but again only when they're around) he is the perfect father to our children, he provides for me, has made it so I can stay at home with our children, built me a beautiful home, and has always been supportive of my goals. We've done intense couples counsuling, and I've also done it alone to try and better myself for him. Your H is a cake eater! Have some respect for yourself... You should want to better yourself for YOU - not HIM. He's intimate with HER (the OW) THAT is why he allows her to touch him, that's why he hugs and kisses her! That's terribly disrespectful to YOU - HIS WIFE! YOUR H should be telling her to stay away, not you! Since HE'S not - that shows his willingness to keep her close... Even IF it means hurting you! I'd bet money he's sleeping with her! He's NOT been a perfect H - and he's still not being one now! You don't want to give up your lifestyle - and THAT keeps you in a situation that disrespects YOURSELF = staying with an inappropriate H! Get a NEW counselor- your H hasn't done the work necessary to be decent to you - and YOU haven't required it... Find out why you think you don't deserve better than what he's offering you.
stillafool Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 go back to on her feet all day, two teens to mother, and single evenings at home, while depriving her two kids of thier dad, sorry, but i think that shelley might not be much happier, morally in the right, plenty high ground, but, then what? If that's what it takes to regain her self respect then yes. What is Shelly teaching her daughter? That it's okay to be treated like dirt, in your own home, as long as he is paying the bills? They can still see their father. A divorce does not mean he is divorcing his kids. Shelly doesn't have to be alone, luckily her husband is not the last man left on this earth. 2
2sunny Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 You're absolutely right, if I didn't have to worry what he and the ow were doing when they're alone I would never let this child near me, my home, or my children. I have no idea if she knows how I feel, I've only spoken to her once. It was extremely short and hasn't happened again. I think I'm going to give him an ultimatum, the kid or me. Has nothing to do with the child - has EVERYTHING to do with his OW and the lack of boundaries and respect considering HE'S MARRIED. Hire a PI and find out when he's meeting her - because this affair hasn't ended at all!
2sunny Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 As long as your identity and self worth depend upon any man - you won't respect yourself and be happy! Do counseling just for THAT - FOR YOU!
stillafool Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 You're absolutely right, if I didn't have to worry what he and the ow were doing when they're alone I would never let this child near me, my home, or my children. I have no idea if she knows how I feel, I've only spoken to her once. It was extremely short and hasn't happened again. I think I'm going to give him an ultimatum, the kid or me. He is never, ever going to give up his kids, the ones he had with you nor his son that she gave him. Whether you like it or not he is tied to this woman for the rest of his life. I don't believe all the "soul mate" stuff you say or that you are not worried that he is going to leave you for her. If you really felt that way you wouldn't be here on LS asking about this. 2
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