How to get the ex "girlfriend" away from my husband

[Shelly72]

5 years ago my husband had an affair with a woman 10 years younger than him, and 6 years younger than me.

 

We worked through it because we're soul mates.

 

He got her pregnant and they have a 4 year old son (who I can't stand) lately she's been bring him over to our house because she's been"studying". Every time she drops him off my husband practically runs out the door to greet them.

 

She's not allowed in my home and they stand outside and talk whenever she comes. They both sit and giggle and she always reaches out and touches his arms, or his chest, or grabs his hand. When she leaves they always sit and hug each other, she basically grips onto him.

 

Last night when she dropped off the boy he leaned in and KISSED HER!!! I wanted to scratch her eyes out!!! when he came back in I told him how disrespectful it was and he had the balls to tell me I was over reacting, and it meant nothing!!!

 

How do I send this woman a message to stay AWAY from my man?

[alexandria35]

Umm...I don't think a true "soulmate" would be making babies with another woman or flaunting that woman in your face.

 

If your husband is sitting outside with her giggling and kissing then you DID NOT work through it. Your husband is not remorseful about the affair and he has no respect or empathy for your feelings. The girlfriend (are you sure she's an ex?) is not going to go away until your husband tells her to which he isn't going to because he's having too much flirting with her and he doesn't care how you feel about that. HE IS THE PROBLEM!! and he's going to keep on being the problem because he is unremorseful and unrepentant.

 

I believe couples can succesfully reconcille after infidelity but only if the cheating spouse gets to a place where they fully understand the devastation and pain they caused the faithful spouse and they truly feel empathy and remorse. If your husband had any remorse or empathy then he could never even imagine sitting outside and kissing his ex affair partner. I wouldn't put up with my partner kissing any woman, much less a woman he had an affair and a child with. You are focusing your energy on getting rid of the OW but you're married to an arrogant ass. Maybe you should start thinking about getting rid of him.

[MuscleCarFan]

Umm...I don't think a true "soulmate" would be making babies with another woman or flaunting that woman in your face.

 

If your husband is sitting outside with her giggling and kissing then you DID NOT work through it. Your husband is not remorseful about the affair and he has no respect or empathy for your feelings. The girlfriend (are you sure she's an ex?) is not going to go away until your husband tells her to which he isn't going to because he's having too much flirting with her and he doesn't care how you feel about that. HE IS THE PROBLEM!! and he's going to keep on being the problem because he is unremorseful and unrepentant.

 

I believe couples can succesfully reconcille after infidelity but only if the cheating spouse gets to a place where they fully understand the devastation and pain they caused the faithful spouse and they truly feel empathy and remorse. If your husband had any remorse or empathy then he could never even imagine sitting outside and kissing his ex affair partner. I wouldn't put up with my partner kissing any woman, much less a woman he had an affair and a child with. You are focusing your energy on getting rid of the OW but you're married to an arrogant ass. Maybe you should start thinking about getting rid of him.

 

I agree. Your man is obviously not remorseful if he kissing another woman. Get rid of this jackass and find someone who will respect you.

[burningashes]

Agree with the other poster.

 

.. the OW isn't the problem, your husband is. The OW is free to do what she pleases, and there's nothing you can do to control her behavior (short of getting a RO..). So don't waste your energy on her, and focus on your husband instead.

 

You need to set boundaries with your husband. Tell him what you will not tolerate, and what the consequences will be if he does not respect that. Then follow through by walking away. By not doing anything about it, you continue to allow this to happen!

 

Your husband already knows that it upsets you, and you are his wife. Any man worth his salt would not come near the woman, not if they really love and care for you. Not if they value the marriage with the woman they supposedly love.

 

 

In the mean time, get your things ready. Get your ducks in a row, get a overnight bag ready and a temporary place to stay lined up in case you need to leave. You need to protect yourself, and I would also be immediately suspicious of whether your husband is having an affair with her again. They've done it before, who's to say they wouldn't again, especially given this behavior between them, and they flaunt that in your face. Don't take that BS!!

 

Be strong and draw that line. You have every right to be angry at your husband, and he needs to be doing whatever it takes to make you happy.

 

He's the one who screwed up, not you.

[Shelly72]

I really want things to work out I've been with him since I was 17 and he's the only man I've ever been with.

 

Sometimes I just hate him though, I don't know how he could hurt me this way.

 

I know they aren't together any more, and apparently she's seeing someone else. She's the one who broke off their relationship the first time.

[Just_A_Poster]

Why are you clinging to this guy like grim death? Just because he's the only guy you've been with since you were 17 years old? I think you'd be surprised to find out there ARE decent men out there - but yours is NOT one of them. You just haven't experienced decency and respect from your mate, so you don't know what you're missing.

 

Most people's definition of a 'soulmate' is NOT someone who lies to you, cheats on you, deceives you, is STUPID and CARELESS enough to knock up his piece of side action and then feel it's perfectly fine to visit that bullsh*t on YOU for the next 21 years. Decent men don't do that. "Soulmates" don't DO that. And they CERTAINLY don't act like disrespectful hormonal idiots when their supposed 'past' side action shows up at the door to dump her kid on you for the weekend.

 

Look, the kid is innocent. He didn't ask to be born to two inconsiderate chuckle-heads who are too stuid and selfish to understand how contraception works. And only a classless fool would think she was being noble by having a a married man's kid. What's her kid going to think of her when he's old enough to know she was sleazing around with some married liar and that's how he was really conceived? That "daddy" has his own wife and family and that's why he never lived with them like a real family? How classless.

 

So you want HER to knock it off, but your soulmate is innocent? This guy's been such a disrespectful sack of sh*t for so long now that he's gotten to to the stage where he does it right in front of you. His ass should have been thrown out the door YEARS ago but because you don't want to direct your anger at the idiot who REALLY deserves it, you're instead focusing it on her.

 

You need to take your head out of the sand and see your husband for what he really IS, not what you want him to be. He's a disrespectful sleaze bag.

[YellowShark]

Shelly.. Shelly.. Shelly.. WTF girl? Seriously. You're making up all these rationalizations to defend the "soulmate" who drove a bus over you and got the OW preggo. Even worse he now flaunts it in your face. He's an inconsiderate douchebag. Direct your anger where it belongs, at your cheating husband.

 

If you wish to stay with him fine. But YOU need to lay down some boundaries. First one is "she" doesn't come to your place. He goes and picks the kid up. Number two is he doesn't get to tell you how to think and feel. He did a horrible, cruel thing to you and frankly that's a dealbreaker in my book.

 

Anyhow you need to read him the riot act and if he doesn't move mountains to win your trust back then ditch him. Because this OW is in your life now for decades, (because of the child.) And BTW, so what if she has a boyfriend, she got preggo with your husband. I don't think either of them are concerned about other people when it comes right down to it.

[SarahRose]

i think you are in denial of what is really going on but your anger is trying to get your attention.

 

you think he is your soulmate but he really isn't. it is just you don't know any different.

 

you are not his soulmate either. soulmates don't cheat and be stupid enough to have unprotected sex with a fling.

 

that is the reality.

 

you certainly can ditch this arrogant douche.

[skywriter]

It sounds as if he knows you aren't going anywhere, so he isn't going to take you seriously. He can tell you,"you're overrecting, calm down", because he's in control.

 

Threatening isn't working either. The only way to get results are to make good on your words.

[96nole]

Shelly,

Do you and you husband have kids?

May I ask how old you are?

How long have you and your 'soulmate' been together?

 

I would add one change to YellowShark's comment about him going to pickup the kid. You go with him. That OW does not need to go to your house. But if your husband goes off to get the kid somewhere away from you, then there is no telling what they will do to each other. If they are already touchy, giggly, kissy in front of you, what will they do if you are not around? OH Wait a minute.....we already know. And right now that result is 4 years old.

 

I give you credit for having the strength to endure what you have. You took your husband back after he had an affair. You are helping raise their love child. You have the strength to set the unconditional ground rules that he now must follow. You also have the strength to kick him out and move on to someone who will show you respect and consideration.

[reboot]

I can't believe you seriously think the OW is the problem.

[Shelly72]

We have two wonderful children ages 14 and 16

 

I'm 39, we just celebrated our 22nd anniversary, we went away for a week to the Bahamas. It was filled with passionate love making, so I know he's still attracted to me.

 

We have always been great together, we get along perfectly when his son isn't around. We never had a Fight that was physical until he told me he'd been seeing someone else, and it was ruthless.

 

I'm still with him because he can be a perfect husband, (he hasn't been lately though, but again only when they're around) he is the perfect father to our children, he provides for me, has made it so I can stay at home with our children, built me a beautiful home, and has always been supportive of my goals.

 

We've done intense couples counsuling, and I've also done it alone to try and better myself for him.

[reboot]

Kissing another woman (a woman he previously had an affair with no less) right in front of you doesn't sound like a perfect husband to me.

[Steadfast]

I'm still with him because he can be a perfect husband

 

It is posts like this that make me laugh the loudest. I have to laugh, because the alternative isn't very pleasant.

 

For men like me, who busted ass to provide for our wives for many years, loved them, never cheated but were tossed to the curb like garbage, stories of marriages like this seem the ultimate slap in the face. But, it does prove a point; when a woman is in love, it's amazing how much crap she'll take. In your case Shelly, love truly is blind.

 

Leave him alone. He's too much man for just one woman. Let him have his flings. Let me be some other woman's baby daddy. It's all her fault! Then again, maybe it isn't. He's irresistible. She can't help it. Neither can you.

[PegNosePete]

WTF?? Perfect husband? No, he is the perfect a-hole. He is a perfect LIAR. He acts one way with you and another with her. There is a word for that and it is DUPLICITOUS. Men like this give us all a bad reputation.

 

Seriously kick this butt nugget out the door. Just because you are afraid of being alone does not mean you are better off sticking with some jerkwad who treats you like a piece of carp. You know that he's just going to have more affairs in the future right? Which do you prefer, to be a single mother at 39, or to be a single woman at 50? You're wasting your life on this dip*****. But hey if that's what you want to do, carry on.

[eeyore1981]

I have a lot of concern over the hatred towards this child, especially when compared to what you say about your husband.

 

You're a grown woman, if you have a problem with your husband's affair and continued relationship with another woman, take it up with and out on him, not some poor defenseless little four year old, because to me, that's exactly what you are doing, you are picking on someone who can't fight back.

 

I understand an affair causes a lot of pain, and I imagine a child resulting from that affair can amplify it, so why don't you do yourself and the innocent kid a favor and not babysit him anymore. If your husband has him and needs to go run some errands, make him take the child with him.

 

Basically, this is what you are saying:

 

Four year old little boy=evil

 

Man who married you, then cheated on you, had a child with another woman while married to you, and is currently rubbing past/possible current relationship with OW in your face=soulmate

 

Can you really not see how messed up this is?

 

I know none of what I'm saying to you is going to make the slightest dent, but what the hell. If the kid is such a thorn in your side, quit watching him, and leave the house when he's there, or have your husband watch him somewhere else, but remove yourself from the situation. Second, I would go talk to an attorney and find out what steps you need to take to protect yourself from when your husband leaves you for this woman, because I'm 100% sure it's going to happen, and even if you choose to wait around until it does, don't be stupid and let him leave you with no job, no job skills, and no place to live.

[96nole]

We have two wonderful children ages 14 and 16

 

I'm 39, we just celebrated our 22nd anniversary, we went away for a week to the Bahamas. It was filled with passionate love making, so I know he's still attracted to me.

 

We have always been great together, we get along perfectly when his son isn't around. We never had a Fight that was physical until he told me he'd been seeing someone else, and it was ruthless.

 

I'm still with him because he can be a perfect husband, (he hasn't been lately though, but again only when they're around) he is the perfect father to our children, he provides for me, has made it so I can stay at home with our children, built me a beautiful home, and has always been supportive of my goals.

 

We've done intense couples counsuling, and I've also done it alone to try and better myself for him.

OK, first off, don't better yourself for him. You better yourself for you.

 

So you both got married pretty young. It seems like he is either sowing some oats or having a mid-life crisis. And unfortunately, that child and the OW will be in your life for the rest of your life one way or another.

 

You say you are a stay at home mother. While it is one of the hardest and most demanding jobs on the planet, it doesn't translate well to a resume. Have you worked in the recent past at a job that can demonstrate you have employable skills?

 

Let's play devils advocate: Let's say he is waiting to leave you for the OW. Will you be able to get a job to support yourself? You are in what is considered a long term marriage, and will most likely be awarded alimony if you were to divorce. But the alimony may not be enough.

 

You are in a tough position. And unfortunately, your husband has put you in it. Does he understand that? Does he seem remorseful for his actions?

 

I think this is a case of hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Lay down some strict ground rules for him. You would lay down strict rules for your children if they got out of line. Your husband is no different. Look into what you need to be able to get a job, or at least start getting some schooling/certifications etc. that you can use to get a job if you don't have any already.

 

You've made it this far, you can make it further. But do not be his door mat. You have spent the majority of your life with him. But it does not mean he can walk all over you. Demand respect from him. You have obviously given him his respect. If he cannot respect you, then it is time for him to go.

[alexandria35]

I think Eeyore and 96 make some good points.

 

You obviously hold a lot of dislike and resentment towards the child and therefore you should limit your contact with him to as little as possible. I understand that the affair and the birth of the other child hurt you but a 4 year old little boy is innocent. He didn't ask for this situation and he deserves the same love that every little 4 year old deserves.

 

You need to make yourself employable. Your kids are at an age where you don't need to be at home 24/7. If your husband is so good at providing tell him you want to go to school and he can pay for it. Your husband doesn't respect you and what if he does leave you when the kids get older? Then what have you got? No husband, no kids at home, no job, no respect. On the other hand, were you to go out and start making a life for yourself, your husband might stand up and take notice of you again. Right now he thinks you're completely dependant on him and he feels that he can do whatever he wants and you won't do anything about it because you need him more than he needs you.

[Steen719]

We have two wonderful children ages 14 and 16

 

I'm 39, we just celebrated our 22nd anniversary, we went away for a week to the Bahamas. It was filled with passionate love making, so I know he's still attracted to me.

 

We have always been great together, we get along perfectly when his son isn't around. We never had a Fight that was physical until he told me he'd been seeing someone else, and it was ruthless.

 

I'm still with him because he can be a perfect husband, (he hasn't been lately though, but again only when they're around) he is the perfect father to our children, he provides for me, has made it so I can stay at home with our children, built me a beautiful home, and has always been supportive of my goals.

 

Do you mean lately, as in the last 5 years?

 

We've done intense couples counsuling, and I've also done it alone to try and better myself for him.

 

Good God, this gives me a headache and a heartache. You are so deluded about this man. Are you saying that your therapist thinks this is alright? I don't know if you have a daughter, but can you in any way see that you would find this acceptable for her?

 

Quit blaming the boy. How in any world can you blame him?

 

Quit blaming the boy's mother. She has already proven what she thinks about married men and is doing what she has done before; manipulating your H. He is married to you, he said he would honor and cherish you..SHE DID NOT

 

Start blaming your H for this. This is absolutely unacceptable and disrespectful. This man is your soulmate, your perfect husband? Good grief, woman, really? You got involved with him at such a young age that you may not see what a creep this guy is.

 

Put your foot down, make some boundaries if you think you have to stay with him. UGH Why would you? Tell him to act appropriately or else.

 

You are choosing to rationalize his behavior away and blame everybody but him for his behavior. Choose him and his behavior and you will not be happy. Find a good, decent man and find true love, not love with a narcissist.

[BetrayedH]

Good God, this gives me a headache and a heartache. You are so deluded about this man. Are you saying that your therapist thinks this is alright? I don't know if you have a daughter, but can you in any way see that you would find this acceptable for her?

 

Quit blaming the boy. How in any world can you blame him?

 

Quit blaming the boy's mother. She has already proven what she thinks about married men and is doing what she has done before; manipulating your H. He is married to you, he said he would honor and cherish you..SHE DID NOT

 

Start blaming your H for this. This is absolutely unacceptable and disrespectful. This man is your soulmate, your perfect husband? Good grief, woman, really? You got involved with him at such a young age that you may not see what a creep this guy is.

 

Put your foot down, make some boundaries if you think you have to stay with him. UGH Why would you? Tell him to act appropriately or else.

 

You are choosing to rationalize his behavior away and blame everybody but him for his behavior. Choose him and his behavior and you will not be happy. Find a good, decent man and find true love, not love with a narcissist.

 

It almost seems unbelieveable, doesn't it? When the OP doesn't engage, I always picture some teenagers getting in a good laugh with each post.

[96nole]

Good God, this gives me a headache and a heartache. You are so deluded about this man. Are you saying that your therapist thinks this is alright? I don't know if you have a daughter, but can you in any way see that you would find this acceptable for her?

 

Quit blaming the boy. How in any world can you blame him?

 

Quit blaming the boy's mother. She has already proven what she thinks about married men and is doing what she has done before; manipulating your H. He is married to you, he said he would honor and cherish you..SHE DID NOT

 

Start blaming your H for this. This is absolutely unacceptable and disrespectful. This man is your soulmate, your perfect husband? Good grief, woman, really? You got involved with him at such a young age that you may not see what a creep this guy is.

 

Put your foot down, make some boundaries if you think you have to stay with him. UGH Why would you? Tell him to act appropriately or else.

 

You are choosing to rationalize his behavior away and blame everybody but him for his behavior. Choose him and his behavior and you will not be happy. Find a good, decent man and find true love, not love with a narcissist.

 

Wow Steen, you're fired up today.

 

Hey Shelly, I strongly suggest you read through Steen's past posts to see her history. It very well could be your future.

[96nole]

It almost seems unbelieveable, doesn't it? When the OP doesn't engage, I always picture some teenagers getting in a good laugh with each post.

 

I'm sure it happens. There have been a few posts I thought was posted by someone having fun with us.

 

I don't think this is done by teenagers. Here name is shelly72. I'm assuming the 72 is her birth year. That would make her 39 years old given she hasn't had her birthday yet this year. I doubt a teenager would put that much thought into it.

[Steen719]

Wow Steen, you're fired up today.

 

I guess, with time comes perspective. I guess I am fired up...lol. Sometimes, I just look at the stories and think to myself "how can anyone not see this is wrong"? But, I guess it is easier to see what someone else should do than us? Idk, I wish someone had kicked me in the butt!!!! :lmao:

 

It almost seems unbelieveable, doesn't it? When the OP doesn't engage, I always picture some teenagers getting in a good laugh with each post.

Sometimes the stories are so crazy, like the panties one, that I can't even answer it. It seems like the poster is yanking our chains. This thread is either really sad or, if it is a hoax, really sad. Either way, right?

[CarboniteCammy]

What does your husband do when he's being the "perfect" husband?

[stillafool]

he provides for me, has made it so I can stay at home with our children, built me a beautiful home, and has always been supportive of my goals.

 

^^^^^^

This is why Shelly isn't going anywhere and will put up with his sh-t and he knows it. Shelly have you ever worked?