pink_sugar Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 For the past 5-6 years it really feels like my H's family favors his half brother and his wife. I know they live across the country and don't see this side of the family often. Their aunt makes a conscious effort to see the half brother and his wife who live across the country. (she lives 1 state from us and her parents (the grandparents). She spends a few days with them at a time and goes just to visit them. However, when she comes to our state, she only seems to want to meet with us when she needs the ride to or from the airport (from the grandparents) or arrange a tea-time meeting shortly before they need a ride to the airport. I know we live a little closer, but it bothers me they basically only want to see us when they need a ride. It seems like everyone else gets visited a lot more than we do. (Kids and other neices and nephews). The brother and wife are coming out to visit this side of the family soon and this aunt is coming down again to plan a sight seeing trip with them in a large nearby city. Again, the favortism. It would at least be nice if we were invited, whether we live close by or not. I just find it upsetting the only time they want to see us before or during a ride to the airport.
SarahRose Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 just wondering why you care? I would be happy that family members didn't want to visit. 1
NoMagicBullet Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Have you extended specific invitations to the aunt to stay a few days with you and your husband? Like "What are you doing for [random] week/weekend? We'd love to have you with us on [specific dates offered]." If you haven't actually invited her, then she may feel it would be inappropriate or inconsiderate to arrange more than tea time with you to/from the airport -- in other words, that it would be bad manners to invite herself to stay with you. Also, some people do need an offer of a specific date for a visit, not just a generic "see us when you can", so they know they aren't interfering in your schedule. If you have extended specific invitations and have encouraged her to visit you in the past with no results, then it might be favoritism. Or it might not. Does she have any allergies or health issues? If she has allergies, and you have pets or something else in your home that's a problem for her, that would be an important reason why she doesn't come to visit. There are a lot of possible reasons why she doesn't visit that may have nothing to do with favoritism.
NoMagicBullet Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Forgot about the sightseeing trip. That is kind of rude to not invite you and your husband. But if you never actually invited her to anything, then there's no reason for her to invite you. I'm not trying to make a lot of excuses for her, but I have no idea what's really going on. While some people are just plain inconsiderate -- and it's possible that she's one of them -- many people do weird and irritating things where family is concerned in an effort to avoid conflict, discomfort or awkwardness with certain relatives. Perhaps there have been awkward moments in the past, and she doesn't feel comfortable around you and your husband? It might be useful to get your husband to talk to his brother about it and see if he knows why she doesn't visit or include you and your husband. Only if you're willing to hear an answer you may not like! But if you can't get any answers, then it's best to just let it go.
Author pink_sugar Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 Have you extended specific invitations to the aunt to stay a few days with you and your husband? Like "What are you doing for [random] week/weekend? We'd love to have you with us on [specific dates offered]." Unfortunately we live in a small one bedroom apartment, so this would be a bit difficult. She is in her sixties, so I certainly don't expect her and her husband to sleep in the middle of our living room. I know they stay in a motel when they visit the brother and his wife, his brother doesn't initiate visiting efforts, it's usually her that comes out on certain occasions like graduation. I'm trying just to let it go, but I've noticed over the years she seems to play favorites with the two. Like whom got better grades in high school and whatnot. She told my H just to work, not to go to college and his brother that he definitely should go to college.
NoMagicBullet Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Yeah, that's favoritism alright. I'm sorry it's that way, pink_sugar. The only other thing I can think of is that if your husband is a half brother, that may be part of why she favors the brother & his family over you & your hubby. That's not fair, but it's the way it is with her. I wish I had some advice to help turn things around for the better for you, but I don't. It's her loss for not spending more time to get to know you & your husband. I think it's pretty lousy she just sees you two as a ride to/from the airport. Well, with that attitude, maybe your better off not spending much time with her! 1
Author pink_sugar Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 Thanks for the advice, nomagicbullet. These are her brother's two sons from different wives. I have no idea why she does the favortism or maybe she doesn't realize she is doing it. She's not really a bad person and she's always been nice to me, but I think it is favortism, even if it's not intentional. It's always bothered me because she treats the brother like he's extra special. This could be because the mother up and took the brother across the country to live when they divorced and hence they saw a lot less of him his whole life than my H. *shrugs*
Author pink_sugar Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 So the brother and sister in law are visiting and we're giving them space. The past 2 times they have visited, we have expected and respected they are more comfortable staying overnight at the grandparents house since not only do they live in a house versus a small apartment, but they are also getting up there in age. We had a big fight after they left last time, but it has blown over and my H and I are shrugging off the small things to maintain a good relationship with them. Now the issue isn't them, but the continuation of favortism. His grandmother never talks about the brother and sister in law to us, but she seems to talk about us to them. Like today she told them "good luck" when we said we'd be there at 10, my H called to tell them we'd be running late. The thing is, his grandmother will get very anxious and frustrated if anyone is not there right on-the-dot at said time, literally. His brother mentioned something like they were starting to leave because they didn't want to hear the grandmother "talk crap" when she returned if we weren't there. We also never expect to be there for dinner, because the grandmother gets all worried and upset there won't be enough food for six people, even if she is not cooking. It bothers us, because we are never invited over for dinner. Sometimes, I cannot help wondering if we'd be treated better if we lived out of state like they do.
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