would you let your gf refrain from sex?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Feeling flabby when I am WAY over my prime and have a gut is not ''having body image issues"

 

This is a red flag, though, Leigh.

 

Feeling flabby and realizing you've gained weight is one thing. Your reaction to that realization is a different thing.

 

And please look over your posting history. Recently you went on a binge about your nose, and when you were thin it was the appearance of your "vagina" that you were obsessed with.

 

Now, don't get all defensive and start lashing about over this. People here care about you and want the best for you - which would entail getting to the bottom of this type of issue rather than not having sex until you feel your body is "perfect" enough again.

 

As the jerk (or was it the liar?) said, a guy will be more likely to lose tolerance for all the body issues than for not having sex for 2 weeks.

[Leigh 87]

Feeling flabby is fine. Most of us feel flabby some days.

 

Being unable to enjoy sex because you feel flabby is indicative of a problem. When your body issues are affecting your enjoyment of sex, it is time to get some help.

 

 

I do not need help with any " body issues".

 

I do not think I am fat. I see my body accurately. I simply am a lot happier when I run every day and am thin and fit.

When I am flabby, iti s frankly unnappealing to be naked. Because it looks unnattractive.

WHy should not wanting to get naked because you are a little flabby, warrant be going to a therapist?

What is the aim, there? To learn to " love feeling flabby, and feel happy being naked when I am flabby?"

I am happy and flabby - I AM generally happy in life, whilst being flabby. I Just do not want to get naked.

I will never LIKE or feel comfortable being flabby and naked.

 

And this is not the only reason I am withholding sex. I just mentally felt like checking out for a while.

I have messed up a lot in my life, and until just recently, I was not the most awe inspiring, riviting person. I was not developing ad cultivating new hobbies or interests, I was nto working and had no career prospects on the horizon that I was working towards, and I Just did not feel like a good catch; albiet, I always knew I had a lot going for myself, should I dare try harder at life.

I had an eatung disorder and mental disorder because of it for a log time, and sort of sat around only thinking about food for a bunch of years..

The aftermath, was - me becoming weight restored, but not having any interests or direction in life. It was all consumed with food before. It was a truly boring existance.

 

I did not like who I was all around. The fact I let my body go just compounded it. He could see that I was a unique and special enough girl to him, to bother with. Besides, his father brought him a house at 15, and he owns half of his mothers house -so he is set for life, with the assets he has, and he lives in his fathers mansion. He is not exactly super developed in terms of his career, because he has had it easy in life, and has not been pushed to apply himself in a career path of his choice, up until recently, either.

I guess we are both at a stage in life, where despite out easy upbringing and the fact our parents have given us houses to live in and made us NOT have to go out and work full time allt he time........... we both WANT to go out and get a career we enjoy.

I just do not have as much respect for myself and much self pride, when I know I could have been doing SO MUCH MORE with my life by now.

I cannot respect myself properly when I am sitting around doing nothing.

Now, luckily I am starting to get some direction now, I am about to start a popular course which will likely lead to employment eventually, and I know two industries I want to work in. Furthermore, once I work full time, I am going to get a degree part time, which will further serve to motivate me and build self worth and esteem.

Bottom line; I was not being a good version of myself, therefore I did not feel that great about myself, and did not feel confident and fabulous. This translates into my body laguage and does not make me act confidet and sexy ( when I do not think that highly of myself, due to not actually being that great of a person)

 

Another thing, is - he tells me that in a long term relationship, while he wants me very much, to make sex feel exciting and passionate again, for him to want to rip my clothes off - that he cannot get that desire when I cover my figure up.

He said that he is visual, and while he will love sex with me when I do not have my body on show, that it is sort of hard to want to rip my clothes off, when I walk around hiding my body in baggy clothes.

THe sex we have been having, due to be being insecure and not feeling great about what I am doing and who I am choosing to be in my life thus far, is VERY enjoyable, but without my clothes coming off and any PHYSICAL stimualtion, besides me in clothes, there is no " passionate, rip my clothes off" sex.

It is hard to explain. He sais he is passionate a lot of the time, yet I seldom feel it.

He has gone down on me at times and made noises like " yum yum hmm " and told me he has gotten into it. Still - I rarely can feel he is THAT into me.

He thinks I have a problem, with not being able to feel his passion and how into things he actually is. He is not always into going down on me and at time sint he past when I have wanted it badly and he has not been in the mood, he has still dont it, not hated it, yet not been all that horny while doing it.

He wants me to go to my therapist again, and tell her about how he tells me he feels certain things towards me ( i.e, passion, enjoys going down o me) all the while, I just do not think he is that into me sexually.

I guess I should just strive to keep moving forward in my life, and do things that help me feel good about myself, such as daily running and not over eating every day like I had been, focusing on passing my course, and being a cool and unique girl that he has very much enjoyed being around.

I will not withhold sex if he wants it - Of course not. I guess it will take longer to feel super duper great about myself

I think I will just relax and let him enjoy sex with me. I may not want to run around naked whe I have over eaten for months and gained weight, but I can still enjoy sex , without having to flaunt my figure. AFter a week or two of daily jogging and not over eating, I am sure I will be walking around naked again.

I guess the side that is missing, is that he LOVES when I walk around naked. It makes him want to just jump on me ad do things.

*sigh* the other day, a couple of days ago, I took my clothes off, and said " hey look at me".. He was like :" wow your looking good babe, very nice"

I guess Iam not fat yet, so I will try to become more comfortable with my body naked.

 

It is just not natural to me -to strip naked when I am FLABBY!!!!!!! The thing with me, is when I was thin, 120 lbs with a model worthy body - I STILL did not show my body off as much as I should have!

Man. I look back to when I was 120 lbs, and I think " MAN. I had a KILLER body!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 I have NO IDEA why I DID NOT show it off all . the. time.

I just do not get it. I KNEW at 120 lbs that I did not want to lose weight or anything silly - yet I did not show my body OFF, or think it was as good as it truly was.

I would KILL for my old 120 lbs figure, when I get closer to there again, I have a completely new outlook. I will be so thrilled to have my old thin and fit body back, that I will want to show it off to my boyfriend every day and will constantly be naked

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It really is strange, how I did not fully apperciate being young and fit and thin, because I was accustomed to being thin and fit, so it felt like no big deal to me......

I took me to lose my fit body, to fully appreciate it.

[xxoo]

Since your bf wants you to go to your therapist again, why don't you make that appt today. Be sure to discuss your feelings about your weight, and how it is affecting your sexual enjoyment, and get a professional opinion.

[Leigh 87]

here is something wonderful I love about Andrew....

 

He walks around naked all the time, even though he has a little gut and is a little out of shape himself, he still feels totally comfortable being naked in front of me.

He could eat two pizzas, and still sit there naked afterwards. He has done this many times. He is not super body confident at all - he wants to lose a little weight and get fit also.

I just love it how he is able to walk around naked in front of me, like it is second nature, even though he IS NOT totally comfortable and happy WITH his body - he walks around with such ease.

It really is one of the most beautiful things to see - a guy who is not that happy with his body at all, but who is at total ease letting his less than perfect body and slight beer belly flop out in front of me.

 

Apparently, him and his travel buddy ex gained a little weight when they travelled, due to drinking most nights, and not working out at all. apparently, he still liked being naked a lot, and she never showed her hang ups, even though I am sure she knew she gained a little weight.

I can tell you - I would feel devastated, if he withheld his body from me. Maybe he feels a parrallel? I would just miss seeing him walkign about naked so much.

 

I will certainly try to be naked more. He wants to have sex tomorrow, and did not get off tonight in anticipation. I am doing a certificate tomorrow that will further my chances of getting work, so afterwards we are planning a " close" evening and dinner.

I will get naked, and he always loves that. I won't feel great abiut my body, but he will still get turned on.

 

 

 

... Lastly - he HAs pointed out my stomach on two occasions:

 

1- I was naked and thought it was not looking too bad. I walked out to him, and he looked taken aback, where as normally he sais how good I look.

When I put it to him that he did not act like his usual self, upon seeing me naked, he admitted that the angle was not flattering, and he expected my stomach to be more flat; when I cried, he said he loves me the same, and that he just wants to be totally honest with me, and that he is still ver attracted to me.

 

2- I was walking towards his car. I had clothes on, where I knew my gut was a little visible.

I WAS feeling it - I was feeling a little out of sorts, with my gut showing in my top that I normally had a flat stomach in.....

When I got into the car, he confirmed my fear - that " haha, I could see your little podge ( he calls it a cute little podge, not a gut)"

.......I cried:lmao: and he felt terrible and stopped driving, so he could comfort me.

 

I never get a sense that he loves me less when I am unfit! That is never a thing that is under question - his love. His attraction to me naked is still apparent even when I am out of shape, he still enjoys seeing my body when he is horny.

He does, however, point out when I am letting myself go a little.

I was a tiny 110 when he met me, and am now 130 lbs.

I am aiming for 125 lbs and seeing where it goes.

I never had to starve at 120 so I will see if it is feasible again.

[Leigh 87]

This is a red flag, though, Leigh.

 

Feeling flabby and realizing you've gained weight is one thing. Your reaction to that realization is a different thing.

 

And please look over your posting history. Recently you went on a binge about your nose, and when you were thin it was the appearance of your "vagina" that you were obsessed with.

 

Now, don't get all defensive and start lashing about over this. People here care about you and want the best for you - which would entail getting to the bottom of this type of issue rather than not having sex until you feel your body is "perfect" enough again.

 

As the jerk (or was it the liar?) said, a guy will be more likely to lose tolerance for all the body issues than for not having sex for 2 weeks.

 

 

 

My vagina was badly swollen and stretched after very rough and dry sex. sorry to be so graphic. The doc said she had not seen a case that bad, except after child birth.

My inner lips hung down dramatically, so I got a cheap operation from a family friend who is a renound gyno and obgn.

I find it very ugly, when a vagina has inner lips and everything hanging out a lot. So I fixed it. That is all.

 

My boyfriend was freaked out at first when i told him about the OP - I shouldnt have so early on.....

He had never really tried going down on girls, you see. Oly his ex, who is only did it to a few times in 4 months... She was the first girl he tried it with, and she had an extremely neat and " inner" vagina...

because his first experience of oral was with a very neat, pre pubescent looking vagina, the fact I have a clit that you can see a little ( not stickingo out though) and have had that opperation - took him aback at first.

I now KNOW he loves it though, and he makes that very clear.

 

regarding my nose. I hate my nose and have done since I was in year 7. It is pointy and I honestly would look a lot better if it was straightened out.

It is vanity, and I am living life and feeling happyines and joy without having to have a perfect nose.

My nose job will only serve to make me more attractive, and is not something I need in order to be very happy, though.

it will just be a huge bonus.

[Leigh 87]

It's not unacceptable, it's just stupid.

 

Why would you punish your boyfriend for your mind-f*cks?

 

 

Apart from that, getting proper f*cked despite what you perceive as your physical imperfections will raise your self-worth.

 

Withholding sex because of insecurity will lower it.

 

 

yes your right, he has even said that letting it all hang out, my body that is, will make him think more of me, than if I hide my flabbyness.

 

I guess I will get naked still> even though I do not f eel it is physicall pleasing to look at.

[Els]

I personally think that baring all and having him go all over you would actually help your self esteem instead of hinder it. External validation does help some of us to a certain degree, and there's no better reassurance than a partner who just can't get enough of you despite your love handles.

 

That being said, there's only so much a partner can do. The rest, you need to do for yourself, possibly with the help of a therapist.

[somedude81]

IMO, it's very selfish of a girl to want to stop having sex because she thinks her body isn't perfect.

 

Newsflash, the guy doesn't care. He still wants you. Now spread 'em!

[thatone]

I dont understand all men completely, but I do understand how important sex is to men. I know that sex is also a lot to do with instinct and yeah just like I feel loved with cuddles and kisses and kind words from my partner, I know he feels my love through sex.

 

I can see how an extended period of 3 months or something could cause a problem, but 2-4 weeks is nothing when it comes to the bigger picture.

 

Would you walk out on the woman you loved because of a 2 week dry spell? Even if she was honest with you about how she was feeling? And what if she was sick and couldn't have sex? Would you tell her to do it or you're out? I don't understand how you can think Leigh should be worried because of a small sex break like this. I really do not get that.

 

it's the reasoning that is unacceptable.

 

i don't make a habit of embracing and justifying women's insecurity. doing so opens the door to her being able to make my life miserable with that same insecurity in other ways. better to find another one who can control her actions and emotions than stay with one who acts out in irrational ways.

[FitChick]

Put 'something else' into your mouth besides food and you'll be able to have sex and lose weight at the same time. Win-win!

[Imajerk17]

Put 'something else' into your mouth besides food and you'll be able to have sex and lose weight at the same time. Win-win!

 

Yep. Good source of protein. High-quality protein too.

[Leigh 87]

wow that is actually a good idea; I am not very good at blow jobs and have been meaning to practice more. And am in dire need of losing weight.

 

win win if u ask me.

 

I will get naked, I just find it gross when a girl does not work outhave had a thin and fit body for 6 years, and I am not fit and out of shape for the first time.

 

He is so keen to have sex soon, after over a week, that I do not think I will neeed to get naked for the first time or two.... by which time I would have gone for a few daily runs, and then feel better about going naked.

[ThingsAreComplicated]

"Obviously, it is NOT about the partner! I love my boyfriend, the fact he cannot make me orgasm though sex DOES NOT stop me from enjoying sex! I LOVE sex with him, I am crazy about sex, and sex with him feels SO GOOD without having to orgasm."

 

quote from the other thread. combined with this I come to the conclusion that you are REALLY in love and found your soulmate...

[MrNate 2.0]

I no longer want to have sex, because I have gained too much weight.

 

I have a gut and am not remotely lean and fit. For the past 6 years I was very thin and very fit. I am not fat, but I am still disgusted in my own body, while not seeing it as " fat". Please note, I KNOW I AM NOT FAT. I am just a girl who loves being in shape, and I enjoy going for daily runs and eating sensibly. I actually do not enjoy letting myself go. The process or the physical side.

Do you think it is okay for me to want to give sex a break, and regularly get my partner off, while I get back into shape?

I prefer sex to be about attraction - about me being naked and tempting and turning my boyfriend on.

Sorry, but I cannot prance around naked and feel sexy when I have a gut.

 

My relationship means so much more to me than just sex, long term I need regular sex, but I have NO issue with refraining from it for a month or a couple of weeks, even.

Since I can still get HIM off, and we can still be ourselves and have an amazng time together as always- surely 2 - 4 weeks of daily runs and me not over eating, should be okay?

 

Does anyone else understand, that while the deap and non physical aspect of a relationship are highly important, that I just am not into sex right now when my body is a right mess?

He has always been supportive of me when I need time to sort myself out, I am sure he will agree to this no sex thing since it is only 2 - 4 weeks. He will not be thrilled, but I am sure he will allow for it.

 

She can refrain some sex.

 

 

But we also won't be together.

[CarrieT]

yes your right, he has even said that letting it all hang out, my body that is, will make him think more of me, than if I hide my flabbyness.

 

I guess I will get naked still> even though I do not f eel it is physicall pleasing to look at.

 

I think you know darn well that the issue is much, much bigger than just a few extra pounds and being self-conscious of that fact.

 

How is your therapy going? Have you done more than the one, single appointmet?

 

That you are starting YET ANOTHER THREAD about your self-views/relationship/sexuality tells me you have not continued to pursue therapy.

 

What's up with that?

[irin]

im sure hell be fine with it since your in a Open-R he just get it from a hooker. i actually dont think you that insecure as people are making you out to be, if your capable of sharing your man (sexually) sounds very confident to me. and this is only temporary anyway until you lose the weight.

[eleanorhurting]

Leigh:

 

When you lose the weight you might start obsessing about your nose and you will not want to have sex because of your nose.

 

I hate to see how you tear your physical appearance down in all your threads.

[BeautifulMan]

I agree with your choice, Leigh_87. Women should think about their body before they wear certain clothes, attempt arouse men, or get naked in front of men. Most women don't contribute to anything monetarily or important so I see it as their job to be in top shape and have a good face.

 

I can't tell you the disgust when a girl, even with love handles tries to seduce me and then wanting me to chase them into a relationship. It's sickening because the typical conversation is, "I'm in school, looking for a job hehe". Meanwhile I'm looking outside at my $60,000 Audi and thinking about getting a 5th bank account to make sure all of my money is FDIC insured.

 

Not only that but while she's talking about wanting to exercise but she's so busy, I ran 6 miles this morning and going for a 1600m swim tonight.

 

Assuming your boyfriend is an average american male, no he won't be okay with it and he'll throw a hissyfit and well... If he even has trace characteristics like myself, he will probably thank you.

[amantis]

I agree with your choice, Leigh_87. Women should think about their body before they wear certain clothes, attempt arouse men, or get naked in front of men. Most women don't contribute to anything monetarily or important so I see it as their job to be in top shape and have a good face.

 

I can't tell you the disgust when a girl, even with love handles tries to seduce me and then wanting me to chase them into a relationship. It's sickening because the typical conversation is, "I'm in school, looking for a job hehe". Meanwhile I'm looking outside at my $60,000 Audi and thinking about getting a 5th bank account to make sure all of my money is FDIC insured.

 

Not only that but while she's talking about wanting to exercise but she's so busy, I ran 6 miles this morning and going for a 1600m swim tonight.

 

Assuming your boyfriend is an average american male, no he won't be okay with it and he'll throw a hissyfit and well... If he even has trace characteristics like myself, he will probably thank you.

 

Wtf are you talking about ?

useless

[Ninjainpajamas]

Unfortunately this is the consequence you face when dating a woman with severe body issues that lead her into not wanting to be sexual or tears herself down constantly because she does not feel she looks ideal.

 

And as a man in this relationship, you may be initially confused and feel that this is some kind of punishment based on you, when this isn't about you but her, and how she feels about herself. Which means no amount of reassurance and compliments will ever change that. You are inadvertently affected by this issue.

 

I understand women may feel strongly that "Well If he really loves me he'll stick around"..well yes, that may be the case to a degree...however that's really minimizing the reality and likely It may later become an issue as these things are usually progressive. Women do not seem to become more "secure" in a relationship over time with these issues, they just to tend to continue suffering from these issues or insecurity because it doesn't just disappear over time and just with support from your partner. Meaning to me that If this was an issue before your partner then it will likely be one with and after your partner If they don't seek help or continue to try and do something different to resolve the problem. I understand, respect and empathize with the personal endeavor and challenge of this.

 

I also believe in a more responsible approach in life than expecting others to accept my issues that affect them as their responsibility just because they have emotions for me. I don't prefer to blackmail people into feeling that If they leave me they don't love me because they can't deal with my personal issues that are affecting their life, happiness and expectations and problems that I've suffered from regardless of their presence. I don't think it's fair to put your issues above the relationship, I think a relationship is about balance and both people taking responsibility for their own personal issues and working on them independently to a degree....instead of expecting or demanding that their support would be the difference maker...let's be realistic, how many times have you ever heard that being the case?

 

This is a main reason why I feel people should remain single and put in effort during this time, because this is the time people make the most profound progress where as relationships conflict the dynamics and harmony of recovery...it just usually compounds on the already present issues and tends to dismantle and complicate what is coming from what and where in the relationship, or is this just an issue with you or your issue?

 

Whether someone suffers from any form of addiction, mental illness, etc...you as an individual in a relationship cannot be held or binding to taking on this responsibility...that is for the individual. He must either accept this and determine whether It's too much of an incompatibility or something he can negotiate and feel comfortable doing supporting you without feeling spiteful and neglected...compatibility is hugely important, sometimes peoples issues compliment each other and actually provide more support while others cause a conflict and eventual disconnect...therefore you have to determine where this issues is on the scale of things between the both of you.

[BeautifulMan]

Wtf are you talking about ?

useless

 

No respectable man wants to see even a centimeter of flab on a woman.

 

The fact that she realizes this is fantastic and more women need to take notes from her.