would you let your gf refrain from sex?

[Leigh 87]

I no longer want to have sex, because I have gained too much weight.

 

I have a gut and am not remotely lean and fit. For the past 6 years I was very thin and very fit. I am not fat, but I am still disgusted in my own body, while not seeing it as " fat". Please note, I KNOW I AM NOT FAT. I am just a girl who loves being in shape, and I enjoy going for daily runs and eating sensibly. I actually do not enjoy letting myself go. The process or the physical side.

Do you think it is okay for me to want to give sex a break, and regularly get my partner off, while I get back into shape?

I prefer sex to be about attraction - about me being naked and tempting and turning my boyfriend on.

Sorry, but I cannot prance around naked and feel sexy when I have a gut.

 

My relationship means so much more to me than just sex, long term I need regular sex, but I have NO issue with refraining from it for a month or a couple of weeks, even.

Since I can still get HIM off, and we can still be ourselves and have an amazng time together as always- surely 2 - 4 weeks of daily runs and me not over eating, should be okay?

 

Does anyone else understand, that while the deap and non physical aspect of a relationship are highly important, that I just am not into sex right now when my body is a right mess?

He has always been supportive of me when I need time to sort myself out, I am sure he will agree to this no sex thing since it is only 2 - 4 weeks. He will not be thrilled, but I am sure he will allow for it.

[MooBear]

I understand in terms of not being comfortable with how you look at the moment - I am the same. Still trying to shed kilos despite going to the gym. I look in the mirror and I hate it. And the last thing I want to do is be naked in a scenario where there is a possibility for jiggling. We kind of talked about it, I explained where I was at in my head - offered the same scenario you have mentioned - and he basically said don't stress, don't overthink it or try and plan things. If we do, we do and if we don't, we don't - he's also not really keen on me getting him off if he can't return the favour. And him saying that made me stop caring so much about it. We love each other, flabby bits and all, and even though I'm not 100% confident in front of him still, I'm not stressed out about it.

 

I think bringing it up with him isn't necessarily a bad idea, but if it's only going to be a couple of weeks, will it be that big of a drama? Would it be easier to just bring it up when the situation presents itself? Or just dim the lights, be flexible and bouncy from underneath Or a corset always works! Looks sexy as hell, you get to cover up the tummy and you can both still enjoy each other while you get fit again

 

Oh I forgot to ask about the title of the post "would you let your gf refrain from sex" - you should be comfortable enough to let it go for a little while. He's not going anywhere, you guys have been together for quite a while from what I've seen! But yeah, I didn't ask my boyf if it was okay, I told him what was going on with me. If you aren't comfortable, he should respect that and you don't need to ask permission - I'm sure he will survive ;-)

Edited June 29, 2012 by MooBear
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[Mme. Chaucer]

Can you feel sexy in lingerie (stomach - hiding) until you get comfortable with your body again?

 

There are lots of threads here about men who feel very badly about their wives / girlfriends withholding from them because of weight or other unhappiness about their bodies.

 

I hate to see you picking about the way you look.

[Leigh 87]

Can you feel sexy in lingerie (stomach - hiding) until you get comfortable with your body again?

 

There are lots of threads here about men who feel very badly about their wives / girlfriends withholding from them because of weight or other unhappiness about their bodies.

 

I hate to see you picking about the way you look.

 

 

Yes I know you do:( I honestly know I am not fat, and I am not terribly upset over the fact I have gained weight. I just prefer to be slim and fit. It does not upset me and it is not a chore to have to keep slim and fit, I am one of those women who enjoy daily runs and enjoy the whole process of it.

Being slim is just a preference, it is not what gives me my great joys in life. I would rather be the way I am now in a happy and loving relatioship, opposed to being thin again with the wrong guy.

 

I am trying not to pick. I actually have far more important things going on in my life, mostly getting a job and getting my career on track - it involves constant studying and applying for work all day every day.

I do not feel totally... positive about it, because I have not got a job yet, not even in my adult life, and I know I will face a lot of rejectio before even getting many interviews.

 

Don't worry, I am not thinking terrible things about my body and thinking I am too fat. I just prefer being thin.

Instead of overcoming things and learning to love being out of shape, as much as I do being fit - is not what I want. I would rather get back into shape, and accept myself in the process of it.

Every day, I am learning to be positive and happy, despite my body.

[Leigh 87]

I understand in terms of not being comfortable with how you look at the moment - I am the same. Still trying to shed kilos despite going to the gym. I look in the mirror and I hate it. And the last thing I want to do is be naked in a scenario where there is a possibility for jiggling. We kind of talked about it, I explained where I was at in my head - offered the same scenario you have mentioned - and he basically said don't stress, don't overthink it or try and plan things. If we do, we do and if we don't, we don't - he's also not really keen on me getting him off if he can't return the favour. And him saying that made me stop caring so much about it. We love each other, flabby bits and all, and even though I'm not 100% confident in front of him still, I'm not stressed out about it.

 

I think bringing it up with him isn't necessarily a bad idea, but if it's only going to be a couple of weeks, will it be that big of a drama? Would it be easier to just bring it up when the situation presents itself? Or just dim the lights, be flexible and bouncy from underneath Or a corset always works! Looks sexy as hell, you get to cover up the tummy and you can both still enjoy each other while you get fit again

 

Oh I forgot to ask about the title of the post "would you let your gf refrain from sex" - you should be comfortable enough to let it go for a little while. He's not going anywhere, you guys have been together for quite a while from what I've seen! But yeah, I didn't ask my boyf if it was okay, I told him what was going on with me. If you aren't comfortable, he should respect that and you don't need to ask permission - I'm sure he will survive ;-)

 

 

 

 

I know, right!?! My boyfriend makes me feel like I am good enough the way I am, and it is totally the way I feel about myself that is causing this issue with sex. He respects my desisions and does not like me giving him sexual favours without returning them, either. He thinks I will build resentment up towards him, and it just does not sit right with him.

 

I think I will get so horny I will slip in the end! Also - I find that after I start running daily for about a week, I already feel great - good enough to have sex, even though physically I would not look much different.

[MooBear]

I know, right!?! My boyfriend makes me feel like I am good enough the way I am, and it is totally the way I feel about myself that is causing this issue with sex. He respects my desisions and does not like me giving him sexual favours without returning them, either. He thinks I will build resentment up towards him, and it just does not sit right with him.

 

I think I will get so horny I will slip in the end! Also - I find that after I start running daily for about a week, I already feel great - good enough to have sex, even though physically I would not look much different.

 

I get what you mean. Mine could sit there for a whole day and pour compliments on me and I'd still end up saying "Yeah but what about...." haha

And he's the same about resenting him - I don't get it. If I'm offering, then I want to! Hell, if he offered to do some of the things I offer without me doing anything back, there are some days I would totally say yes and be in position in 15 seconds

 

The running will pick it up, you're right. My sex drive was becoming non existent before I started going to the gym and now, it's still not high (cause of meds) but its a whole lot better!!!!!

 

I also tend to find that once we're actually into it, I totally forget what I look like haha

[Imajerk17]

I dont think you're being fair to your boyfriend or your relationship. In fact I think you are putting him in a situation where the only self-respecting thing he could do is to break up with you.

 

If he goes along with this, he will be unhappy and YOU will lose respect for him. ( Note how you phrased the title of your thread. Hmmmm. )

 

I think you need to get yourself help. Your self-esteem issues are just too much and are going to drive him to his ex, if not another woman altogether.

Edited June 29, 2012 by Imajerk17

[MooBear]

I dont think you're being fair to your boyfriend or your relationship. In fact I think you are putting him in a situation where the only way he could win is to break up with you.

 

Lol what the hell? That makes NO sense. The only way he could win is to break up with her? For what - talking to him about it instead of just withholding sex and not giving a reason?

 

The only "situation" he would be put in is one where he has a little extra "shower time" before bed. Any man that would leave his partner because of a possible one month break from sex would be a complete moron, or just looking for an excuse to leave - neither of which I think is the case.

 

Way to be overdramatic there - did make me laugh though so thanks

[Leigh 87]

I get what you mean. Mine could sit there for a whole day and pour compliments on me and I'd still end up saying "Yeah but what about...." haha

And he's the same about resenting him - I don't get it. If I'm offering, then I want to! Hell, if he offered to do some of the things I offer without me doing anything back, there are some days I would totally say yes and be in position in 15 seconds

 

The running will pick it up, you're right. My sex drive was becoming non existent before I started going to the gym and now, it's still not high (cause of meds) but its a whole lot better!!!!!

 

I also tend to find that once we're actually into it, I totally forget what I look like haha

 

 

 

Hahaha, I would also happily allow him to please me without wanting anything in return.

 

How long have you been with your bf?

 

It is funny how your bf also thinks you will end up resenting him for it.

[Leigh 87]

I dont think you're being fair to your boyfriend or your relationship. In fact I think you are putting him in a situation where the only self-respecting thing he could do is to break up with you.

 

If he goes along with this, he will be unhappy and YOU will lose respect for him. ( Note how you phrased the title of your thread. Hmmmm. )

 

I think you need to get yourself help. Your self-esteem issues are just too much and are going to drive him to his ex, if not another woman altogether.

 

 

He would be unhappy if it was long term, but 2 weeks is not a big deal. He knows that I am working towards feeling great about who I am despite my weight gain. I talk to him about my feelings. He knows how I am dealing with my self esteem issues.

I actually do like myself. I do not want to change who I am, the character traits and key characteristics that make me individual. I also r espect myself and would not allow a guy to treat me badly.

 

Your right, he has told me that if I feel bad about myself and act very negative about it as a result, that it is very frustrating and not fun for him.

He has made is clear that if my issus continue, he will need me to go about fixing them if he is to be happy with me.

For now, though, I cannot see a two week break from sex as making him want his ex or other girls. He is not into other girls, he is the type who cannot go out and like other girls, when he is committed to someone.

 

I honestly cannot see two weeks of no sex, making him turn to other women. That is just not him.

[Imajerk17]

Lol what the hell? That makes NO sense. The only way he could win is to break up with her? For what - talking to him about it instead of just withholding sex and not giving a reason?

 

The only "situation" he would be put in is one where he has a little extra "shower time" before bed. Any man that would leave his partner because of a possible one month break from sex would be a complete moron, or just looking for an excuse to leave - neither of which I think is the case.

 

Way to be overdramatic there - did make me laugh though so thanks

 

It is clear that you don't understand men. Just as women gauge their so's level of investment in a relationship with how much romance they are getting, we men gauge our so's investment by how much sex. This actually doesn't even happen on a conscious level.

 

If I were Leigh's boyfriend I'd consider walking.

[Imajerk17]

Lol what the hell? That makes NO sense. The only way he could win is to break up with her? For what - talking to him about it instead of just withholding sex and not giving a reason?

 

The only "situation" he would be put in is one where he has a little extra "shower time" before bed. Any man that would leave his partner because of a possible one month break from sex would be a complete moron, or just looking for an excuse to leave - neither of which I think is the case.

 

Way to be overdramatic there - did make me laugh though so thanks

 

And from the guy's pov, how does he know it will really be only two weeks?

 

What Leigh is proposing is unacceptable.

[Imajerk17]

Lol what the hell? That makes NO sense. The only way he could win is to break up with her? For what - talking to him about it instead of just withholding sex and not giving a reason?

 

The only "situation" he would be put in is one where he has a little extra "shower time" before bed. Any man that would leave his partner because of a possible one month break from sex would be a complete moron, or just looking for an excuse to leave - neither of which I think is the case.

 

Way to be overdramatic there - did make me laugh though so thanks

 

And from the guy's pov, how does he know it will really be only two weeks?

 

Leigh what you are proposing is unacceptable.

[MooBear]

It is clear that you don't understand men. Just as women gauge their so's level of investment in a relationship with how much romance they are getting, we men gauge our so's investment by how much sex. This actually doesn't even happen on a conscious level.

 

If I were Leigh's boyfriend I'd consider walking.

 

I dont understand all men completely, but I do understand how important sex is to men. I know that sex is also a lot to do with instinct and yeah just like I feel loved with cuddles and kisses and kind words from my partner, I know he feels my love through sex.

 

I can see how an extended period of 3 months or something could cause a problem, but 2-4 weeks is nothing when it comes to the bigger picture.

 

Would you walk out on the woman you loved because of a 2 week dry spell? Even if she was honest with you about how she was feeling? And what if she was sick and couldn't have sex? Would you tell her to do it or you're out? I don't understand how you can think Leigh should be worried because of a small sex break like this. I really do not get that.

[MooBear]

And from the guy's pov, how does he know it will really be only two weeks?

 

Leigh what you are proposing is unacceptable.

 

That would be trust. Quite common among committed couples.

[utterer of lies]

And from the guy's pov, how does he know it will really be only two weeks?

 

Leigh what you are proposing is unacceptable.

 

It's not unacceptable, it's just stupid.

 

Why would you punish your boyfriend for your mind-f*cks?

 

 

Apart from that, getting proper f*cked despite what you perceive as your physical imperfections will raise your self-worth.

 

Withholding sex because of insecurity will lower it.

[MooBear]

Hahaha, I would also happily allow him to please me without wanting anything in return.

 

How long have you been with your bf?

 

It is funny how your bf also thinks you will end up resenting him for it.

 

Just over 5 years Yeah he must think I'm going to use it against him one day haha "I gave you those BJs so YOU wash up!"

[Els]

Yes I know you do:( I honestly know I am not fat, and I am not terribly upset over the fact I have gained weight. I just prefer to be slim and fit. It does not upset me...

 

Every day, I am learning to be positive and happy, despite my body.

 

But your reaction shows that it DOES upset you, Leigh. Why would you be taking a sex hiatus otherwise? Learning to be positive and happy starts with accepting the fact that your reaction to your extra... what was it, 5? 10?... lbs is in fact an overreaction. Once you have accepted that, you can take the steps necessary to work on that, instead of trying to justify that it is a completely normal and okay reaction and you 'aren't really upset'. You ARE. And that's okay, if you actually acknowledge it and try to improve.

 

And by 'improve' I don't mean by losing weight. Sure you can work out to lose weight, no harm in that. But by improve I mean the the large collection of hangups that you have about your body and sex. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you weren't ever secure about your body enough to enjoy sex, not even when you were thinner than this. Losing weight is only going to palliate one of the problems and is not going to get to the core of the issue.

 

No, I don't think most committed guys will leave you over a 1-month break in sex. But I do think that most will eventually get tired of the constant body issues. There's a huge difference between a woman not wanting sex because she's ill, or because she's working insane hours, or because she's pregnant... and because she has a small gut. Frankly, if my bf didn't want to have sex for a month because he developed a mole on his chest or something, I'd be pretty darn pissed.

 

Most of us don't look like supermodels, but many of us still have good and fulfilling sex lives. What has your bf said about this decision of yours?

[utterer of lies]

Leigh: Do you think if you refrain having sex, and lose weight, there will suddenly be a moment when all your insecurities stop?

 

Because...there won't be.

 

If you are insecure enough to even consider your idea, losing weight won't solve the problem. Even if you manage to lose weight, you'll just find something else to obsess about.

[Chocolat]

That would be trust. Quite common among committed couples.

 

 

If there was trust, she would be be able to have sex even if not at her physical prime. If I recall correctly, she's 5'6" and about 130.

 

Leigh, your thinking is really out of whack on this issue. By all means, become more fit. But to withhold sex from your bf and yourself because of body image issues says more about what's happening in your head than with your body. I think the priority should be to work on your head.

[luvinthesun]

No. Just do it. Sex is execise.

[xxoo]

Whether or not your bf allows it is not the issue. He probably will be understanding.

 

But that doesn't make it ok, or normal, to withhold sex for weeks because you feel a little flabby. This is a very clear sign that your body issues are flaring up big time--red flag! Red flag!

 

Leigh, have you seen a counselor yet? Please make your mental health a top priority.

[runner]

okay so, one day you're getting him off...he starts getting his hands all over you in the process, and then eventually goes down on you showing strong desire to please you. you really would have him stop at that point ? or just let him **** you ?

[Leigh 87]

Feeling flabby when I am WAY over my prime and have a gut is not ''having body image issues" . It is calling a spade a spade! My body is NOT thin and fit anymore, and while I know I AM NOT FAT; I simply dislike having a gut and being well over my ideal weight.

 

And the onl difference losing the weight will make is:

 

- when I am running daily and eating well, I feel confident enough to strip naked for my bf, which he very clearly tells me is what turns him on the most, in the lead up to sex. He is the type WHO WANTS to see my body, fat or not.

 

- When I am flabby, I simply would rather not parade around naked, the way that gets my bf excited for sex.

 

 

 

 

 

I have discussed this with my boyfriend. He just said " we will just see what happens" meaning " if you really need time off from sex, so be it...

 

 

We both want sex tomorrow -because we have already gone a week so far, and both miss the intimacy.

 

The compromise is - I just won't take my top off, ad get naked and make it about being naked and him looking at my naked body.

 

It will be about being close to a person you love - rather than him getting off over my naked body - because my body WILL NOT be on show.

 

He is fine with " me not being naked" for a week or two...... I will stil have sex, just less often, and without being naked.

 

 

 

Imajerk - um, no guy who is truly in love, would be able to leave their girl and move on, after a few weeks with no sex. It is not true love if a guy would actually leave their girl.

[xxoo]

Feeling flabby when I am WAY over my prime and have a gut is not ''having body image issues" . It is calling a spade a spade! My body is NOT thin and fit anymore, and while I know I AM NOT FAT; I simply dislike having a gut and being well over my ideal weight.

 

Feeling flabby is fine. Most of us feel flabby some days.

 

Being unable to enjoy sex because you feel flabby is indicative of a problem. When your body issues are affecting your enjoyment of sex, it is time to get some help.