SJC2008 Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Well at least you're actively trying...that's much better than a lot of us can say... So was it the venue (online vs. real life) that made it harder to truly like someone, or was it just the lack of truly remarkable women during this "rough streak"...? Well with online one was an emotional wreck, one was dishonest about her weight and the one I liked A LOT I moved to fast for and couln't read her she was subtle and this last one (see nexted thread) I was decently interested in but she's really "busy" so I said eff it. IRL I've only gotten a few dates since I started trying a little over a year ago. I wanna ask more women out but have nowhere to do it bc I can't approach women at bars but at my job when I help them I can take an educated guess at their interest. All in all dating sucks for me. My match.com expires in a couple of days so I'll let it go and I disabled OKC. I'm so jaded I'm gonna take a break and may have to force a break from here (it's so hard lol) because all I think about is why can't I have a gf.
betterdeal Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 About half of adults are single, so not everyone is dating.
Author USMCHokie Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 Sooner would be just good luck. I mean, to me it's really about numbers and odds. I know people (as I'm sure you do too) that have had no or very short gaps in between relationships (sometimes with multiple people) since sophomore year in high school to marriage. Some of their relationships have been good, some bad. But there's always somebody who LIKES them. Perhaps they actively pursued relationships because they couldn't stand to be alone...? And the external validation they received from their constantly growing string of past relationships gave them enough reason to not need to doubt themselves... So it wasn't necessarily that they always conveniently had someone who liked them...but they found someone to like them...? How does someone like me close the gap between my friends who have nonstop dated? Numbers and more numbers. I'll never completely make up the difference and it might take me longer, but I do believe dating is like everything else. I see your point, and I agree that effort and work can often make up for lack of "natural talent," as your analogy points out. But now I have to ask, does their larger number of relationships and dates actually make them "better" at dating...?
Author USMCHokie Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 About half of adults are single, so not everyone is dating. I would venture to say that it depends on the geographic area, demographic, target age group, etc...
Author USMCHokie Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 ...because all I think about is why can't I have a gf. Well, if you think about it as much as you do, what kinds of answers do you have for yourself...?
SJC2008 Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Well, if you think about it as much as you do, what kinds of answers do you have for yourself...? I wish I knew. I have taken lots of advice here and learned a lot and my not getting a second date woes are all but over so I'm happy about that but I want to get past 3rd date and have a gf and have some sex! I don't like obsessing but it's really hard. I had my 1st gf at 17 but was so shy I never made a move and she dogged me to everyone at my job and gutted me so I never really tried after that. Also, whe was very pretty so mabye I was spoiled and punched out of my league as in thinking what I could get. It started to bother me at about 22 but I guess I blocked it somehow and just gave up. At 29 a light went off and this is when the beast woke up. I fell asleep one day on the couch after school and woke up in an instant with a firm thought "You better find someone", talk about your subconscious/inner voice telling you to get your ass into there. Not long after that I asked out a girl at work and got a date and that was one of those very rare instaspurng sits I've talked about and have been on a mission since.
Author USMCHokie Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 I wish I knew. I have taken lots of advice here and learned a lot and my not getting a second date woes are all but over so I'm happy about that but I want to get past 3rd date and have a gf and have some sex! Do they lose interest or do you...? Or it is mutual? At 29 a light went off and this is when the beast woke up. I fell asleep one day on the couch after school and woke up in an instant with a firm thought "You better find someone", talk about your subconscious/inner voice telling you to get your ass into there. Not long after that I asked out a girl at work and got a date and that was one of those very rare instaspurng sits I've talked about and have been on a mission since. And this is that "eh, f*ck it, let's just do this" moment that everyone kinda needs...unfortunately, sitting idly is often too comfortable to want to get up...it's not even really the fear of rejection that keeps you there but the soothing comfort you get from self-sympathy...
jobaba Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Perhaps they actively pursued relationships because they couldn't stand to be alone...? And the external validation they received from their constantly growing string of past relationships gave them enough reason to not need to doubt themselves... So it wasn't necessarily that they always conveniently had someone who liked them...but they found someone to like them...? I see your point, and I agree that effort and work can often make up for lack of "natural talent," as your analogy points out. But now I have to ask, does their larger number of relationships and dates actually make them "better" at dating...? Those that have always bounced from relationship to relationship have rarely had to pursue very hard or face rejection. They just meet people who are into them. The less desirable you are, the more you are going to have to put yourself out there before you find somebody that likes you. It seems pretty simple ... to me at least.
betterdeal Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I would venture to say that it depends on the geographic area, demographic, target age group, etc... Yes, there will be variance if you splice the population into groups, but that's patently obvious, so why raise it?
AD1980 Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Women don't call men attractive often and most men still manage to have high confidence in their looks. Imagine if women did compliment men more often , I don't think any man would want to settle for less than angelina julie nah i think most men are pretty realistic about their looks just because they go after a good looking girl doesnt mean thye necassrily think there very good looking thye might just might be trying to overacheive
Author USMCHokie Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 Those that have always bounced from relationship to relationship have rarely had to pursue very hard or face rejection. They just meet people who are into them. The less desirable you are, the more you are going to have to put yourself out there before you find somebody that likes you. It seems pretty simple ... to me at least. How much of a role do you think we actually have in, for lack of a better term, "making" people like us...? Is it only a matter of displaying ourselves in public and hoping someone will look in our general direction, or must we actively influence others to like us...? Is active influence a more efficient way than the sheer numbers method...? Can it even be done...? As you can see, these are the kinds of questions that pop up in my mind after reading your response...I honestly don't know the answers to them myself...
AD1980 Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Well, I see a chicken-and-the-egg dilemma here...do you need that external validation first to motivate you to improve your ability to talk to strangers and break out of your shell...or do you say f*ck it and start talking to strangers and breaking out of your shell in order to give yourself the opportunity for external validation...? I have a sense this is what a lot of folks who struggle have to decide...they are held back by their own minds...and only way to break free is to do like the honey badger... The latter would be better but its easier said then done for me..i still think in my mind at 32 if i was even halfway attractive i accidentally would have got hit on or tried to be set up or gotten a compliment from somewhere
SJC2008 Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Do they lose interest or do you...? Or it is mutual? And this is that "eh, f*ck it, let's just do this" moment that everyone kinda needs...unfortunately, sitting idly is often too comfortable to want to get up...it's not even really the fear of rejection that keeps you there but the soothing comfort you get from self-sympathy... Well the first girl I made it to 3 dates with was the one I wasn't really attracted to. We got along pretty well, I went for the kiss 3rd date and got the cheek and an FZ text 10 mins later. She tried to reconcile but I decided not to because she was an emotional wreck (been hurt a lot) and didn't want to pusue because if I lost interest she'd be hurt AGAIN so that was a turn off. Then next one was the 31 year old (1st time I dated a woman same age or a tad older). I was magnet attracted to her, funny, nice voice, educated. She was the non initiator so I was walking on eggshells (lack of exp didn't know some women don't initiate early on or even months in). We had 3 good dates but the phone convo wans't there and she always texted back to calls. In the end I think she was in a ltr so was very limited with dating so was really shy. She went cold on me after our 3rd date and I texted her to see what was up with that and she said she still wanted to get together then flaked until I said duck it. If I was her I would of nexted me too with that horrible kiss I gave her. The thing that upsets me the most is that I'm not going after models. Now the woman I met at my job a year ago was pretty attractive so I don't even know how the hell I got her number lol. This one I jsut nexted was average but talk about a set of funbags and legs! Another big discourager if that's a word is I'm subconsious about my weight. I'm a little flabby but not fat. I always see woman with a little meat or slightly over weight with slender men, at least in my kneck of the woods. It's like they'll wait until they meet a skinny guy instead of going out with someone of the same body proportions. Yeah there are exceptions but it's so common it pisses me off.
SunandMoon Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 ....sooooo many factors why I'm single. >.< Socially akward, shy, thinning hair, can't drive, haven't had a job in the last 3 1/2 years (not like I haven't tried looking ) and like 30 pounds overweight. Needless to say I'm a work in progress. lol But I'm not bitter, so yah. Just have gotten used to being single.
Emilia Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Those that have always bounced from relationship to relationship have rarely had to pursue very hard or face rejection. They just meet people who are into them. The less desirable you are, the more you are going to have to put yourself out there before you find somebody that likes you. It seems pretty simple ... to me at least. Speaking from experience it's also about you and what you want. The more complex and nuanced you are, the less likely you are to bounce from relationship to relationship since you won't find a large number of people that make you interested enough to do so. 3
Thierro Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I don't have a lot of money, to be honest I'm not a knock out (in the past several girls blatantly called me ugly when they passed me by and some still do), still in school at 25, I only have 1 friend that lives 5 hours away from me, I don’t go out to clubs or whatever but I still date quite a lot of girls. How? I approach them on the street or during public transport, talk to them. I go in there thinking that every girl on this planet wants me. I bet most women on LS are ready for my body as well. Some turn me down, but I don't care. It's their lack of judgment, so I’m probably better off without them anyway. Most of the guys and girls on here are bitching about their first world problems. Just do it already, stop limiting yourself.
ThaWholigan Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I wouldn't say that I can't date, but most times I won't. I admit that I am a picky guy and I would like a woman who is as ambitious as I am. Trouble is, I recognize that I myself need to step up to meet those ambitions of mine myself. As of now, I'm all talk . So I consciously don't date, and I make exceptions if a girl I like actually wants to date me. I have been successfully negotiating my confidence issues over the years to a point where I am capable of maintaining a positive attitude without losing my sense of reality. So as of right now, I don't feel I "can't" date, but I just don't put too much effort or seriousness into it. I love talking about it though . 2
WonderKid Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I'm just choosing not to. It's not as important to me as it used to be back then. I'll get back out there sooner or later.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I'm dating actively again, after not having dated much for about 3 years. I got back into the game by lowering my standards at first and just being casual about it. Then, once I'd re-verified my appeal to the opposite sex, I started clarifying what I want. Since I started dating, the quality of my prospects has steadily improved, and I'm now at the level of dating guys (one at a time) with whom there's potential for something real. I'm much happier, more positive, and more productive in my life now that I'm dating again.
jobaba Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Speaking from experience it's also about you and what you want. The more complex and nuanced you are, the less likely you are to bounce from relationship to relationship since you won't find a large number of people that make you interested enough to do so. Yes, that is definitely true. I myself have failed to pursue women because they weren't what I was looking for. Whether or not those women would have gone for me is unknown. But I also don't have as many options as they do.
verhrzn Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Easy. Cause guys aren't attracted to me, and there aren't many single guys around. I'm fascinated to see where you got your limiting beliefs, OP, since you say yourself no girls has actually ever rejected you. You should check out yesterday's Savage Love Letter of the Day about how a rejection after an approach might kind of hurt, but it won't kill you, and it'll get easier over time!
Author USMCHokie Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 Easy. Cause guys aren't attracted to me, and there aren't many single guys around. I'm fascinated to see where you got your limiting beliefs, OP, since you say yourself no girls has actually ever rejected you. You should check out yesterday's Savage Love Letter of the Day about how a rejection after an approach might kind of hurt, but it won't kill you, and it'll get easier over time! A girl can't reject a guy who doesn't ask her out...I don't approach women with romantic intentions...I usually friendzone myself right off the bat...
Jane2011 Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Haven't read the whole thread (sorry), so maybe someone said this but I didn't catch it. But how much time would you say must have passed (since one's last bf or gf or short-lived relationship or whatever) before others could reasonably ask a person "Why haven't you dated anyone?" For two years, there was no more than three to four month lapses between when I got together with someone and dated them briefly. But it's now been just over six months since I've dated someone, and I sense that this is gonna last a while... I don't know that I "can't date." I went on three one-time dates in January and February, and pretty much none since. A friend or two has offered to set me up with someone, but I think I showed lack of interest (in both cases) based on what I heard about the guys in question, and therefore my friends didn't follow through (no resentment on the part of my friends at all; they just took the cue). I'm kind of sitting back right now. I'm working on an education goal. Not to say that I don't have difficulty even when I'm really trying to date, but I've not been out there at all, as in going out. I'm relaxing a bit. I feel a little bit like "I've had my share" compared to a lot of people, and can afford it. One could even argue that I'm in "high #s" sex-partners-wise. (I don't really think so, but some consider 11 kinda high, lol). Maybe I need to stay inside my house, lest I find more men's penises inside me....haha...
jobaba Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 A girl can't reject a guy who doesn't ask her out...I don't approach women with romantic intentions...I usually friendzone myself right off the bat... OH YES SHE CAN! They can walk away from you when you are trying to talk to them, look completely uninterested in what you are saying, or pretend to be falling asleep while you are trying to chat her up. I especially love the last one.
verhrzn Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 A girl can't reject a guy who doesn't ask her out...I don't approach women with romantic intentions...I usually friendzone myself right off the bat... I guess I just can't wrap my head around why you wouldn't approach. I mean... it isn't gonna kill ya, it'll up your chances of dating. Just doesn't make sense to me.
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