Ridiculousness and confusion with ex!!!

[badcrayonz]

Hey guys, I'm new here. I've been lurking for a while but after some recent developments with my ex that I can't comprehend I decided to register. Any help whatsoever would be great. I'll start at the beginning so it'll be easier to see the full picture. I apologize in advance if this turns out to be really long.

 

We were together for five-ish months. The relationship itself was great. We were very attached to each other and generally had no problems outside the pretty-much usual "you're over here too much" (greeted after me leaving for a few days with "I miss you when you're gone" HA!) and the "you play video games too much" (this just upset me because I don't like to play battlefield... heh ;3) but other than little stuff like that that only took a few months to get over, everything else was great. He met my parents. I met his dad. Our friends thought we were perfect for each other. Even his best friend, who hated me. A few of them even thought we'd end up married ..? My parents did too.

 

We broke up back in January. The breakup came out of nowhere and was pretty weird. He told me he was going out to the bar and that I wasn't invited (it was apparently "bro-time"). So I started gathering my stuff and was just about to walk out the door, when he stopped me and called me into the bedroom. He said he felt nothing for me, and had been trying for several months to feel any sort of "spark" which apparently wasn't there. Telling me I was an amazing girlfriend. After awhile I got upset, gathered my things, and left hastily. Then the flood of text messages came. Him begging me not to hate him, begging me to keep him in my life, and eventually one saying "I might love you, but it's too much" (whatever that's supposed to mean...?). We ended up getting back together for a week but his actions told me he no longer cared that we were together so I broke it off.

I couldn't do NC. No matter how hard I tried. I got texts from him constantly. Even when I tried to ignore him in public settings (we go to the same college and have a lot of the same classes together) he would confront me asking why I was ignoring him. It was just flat-out impossible and he made sure it was that way, it seems. So we tried the 'friends' thing.

 

He ended up being a total ******* to me for a few months. Making fun of me, just overall treating me badly. Eventually he realized what he was doing, apologized, and vowed to stop (which he actually did!). Since then it's been a huge flood of confusion.

 

I started sleeping over there. Not for sex, though. One night I got a little too drunk to head home so I just stayed at his house. Then it became a normal thing. He'd spoon me and we'd cuddle all night. Wake up, make breakfast, and go on our ways. He said he was afraid of "leading me on" with that kinda stuff. At the time I didn't have feelings for him (or so I thought) and I said that was okay, that it didn't bother me. That was a number of months ago. About the beginning of April.

 

Things have definitely changed since then. Things have progressed.

If I don't respond to his texts, he acts out, either with more texts or a phonecall. One time he deleted me on facebook because I "wasn't paying attention to anything [he] posted". Another time he deleted me because he thought he was bad for me. He started calling me pretty often, one time three times in one day, despite him not even having anything to talk about. We started hanging out almost every day. Every time we'd hang out he'd buy me breakfast/lunch/dinner. I never bought a single meal every time we were hanging out. Ever. We went camping earlier this month. He paid for everything. It ended up being ~$500 worth of stuff. He regularly gives me gas money because he knows I'm not well off financially. But, he isn't well-off either. His phone was shut off this month because he couldn't pay his bill. Same with his internet. He walked all the way back to his apartment to get me a hoodie because I was freezing and working at a festival so I couldn't leave. Every time we go out for drinks he ALWAYS buys. He told me I could go over to his house anytime I want to make food if I get hungry. I had a falling out with my parents while I was terribly sick and he let me stay with him. He took care of me, make me food, tea, bought me sick supplies, orange juice, the whole nine yards, and I only ended up staying for one night.

My friends swear up and down he loves me but he denies it every time they ask. I was asked out on a date by a friend, but it ended up not working out. I quietly heard him say "yessss" like a celebratory-kind when I told him about it. He hasn't dated since me. His friends say it's like he has a girlfriend again. They constantly joke about it. Once we were out with his friends, he walked away and his friend said to me "He's checking you out. No seriously, he is." Every time I sleep over there, he caresses me and cuddles me, with his face right up next to mine. Nothing sexual has ever happened while I've slept over there.

 

I realized about a week ago I've been repressing my feelings, including how I felt towards him. After a good friend (one of his ex's, coincidentally) told me she's started seeing a guy, and that he's "it" for her, I realized that's exactly how I felt towards my ex, and came to terms with the feelings I still have for him.

 

Here's where things get really confusing.

 

Two nights ago we got really drunk, celebrating me getting a new job. We ended up back at his place. Next thing I know I'm in his bed. Then we're making out. Then we're having sex. Then we wake up, cuddle for a few hours, then get up. We did some errands then I went home to get ready for my new job.

 

As far as I can tell, judging from the facebook comments and texts I've gotten since the incident, he isn't bothered by it at all. But I feel horrible, and I don't even know why. All my friends say it's obvious he has feelings for me, but I know him, he would never admit it.

 

Where do I stand with him? Do you guys think he loves me? What do I do? How do I act? Do I pretend this never happened? Where does it go from here? Should I talk to him or just let it unfold on its own? Was this just sex and nothing else?

 

HELP!!!

[Thisisbs]

If he's not willing to admit his feelings, then he's just not emotionally mature. You're making it seem to him that this casual get together is okay and it's mutual.

[badcrayonz]

But is that all that it is to him? Just casual sex?

[CopingGal]

There's something wrong with this guy. You need to look at read flags. Somethings not right here and I fear it will blow up in your face. Look back over your posts in this thread. Something's not right.

[badcrayonz]

There's something wrong with this guy. You need to look at read flags. Somethings not right here and I fear it will blow up in your face. Look back over your posts in this thread. Something's not right.

 

What red flags? What isn't right? My judgement is pretty clouded right now so this is going to have to be pointed out...

[TaraMaiden]

Three little words:

 

Friend

 

With

 

Benefits.

 

welcome to the 'sidelined' club.

[badcrayonz]

So despite everything that's gone on for the past number of months, that's all that is? Really?

[TaraMaiden]

....

We broke up back in January. The breakup came out of nowhere and was pretty weird. He told me he was going out to the bar and that I wasn't invited (it was apparently "bro-time"). So I started gathering my stuff and was just about to walk out the door, when he stopped me and called me into the bedroom. He said he felt nothing for me, and had been trying for several months to feel any sort of "spark" which apparently wasn't there. Telling me I was an amazing girlfriend. After awhile I got upset, gathered my things, and left hastily. Then the flood of text messages came. Him begging me not to hate him, begging me to keep him in my life, and eventually one saying "I might love you, but it's too much" (whatever that's supposed to mean...?). We ended up getting back together for a week but his actions told me he no longer cared that we were together so I broke it off.

I couldn't do NC. No matter how hard I tried. I got texts from him constantly. Even when I tried to ignore him in public settings (we go to the same college and have a lot of the same classes together) he would confront me asking why I was ignoring him. It was just flat-out impossible and he made sure it was that way, it seems. So we tried the 'friends' thing.

 

He ended up being a total ******* to me for a few months. Making fun of me, just overall treating me badly. Eventually he realized what he was doing, apologized, and vowed to stop (which he actually did!). Since then it's been a huge flood of confusion.

 

I started sleeping over there. Not for sex, though. One night I got a little too drunk to head home so I just stayed at his house. Then it became a normal thing. He'd spoon me and we'd cuddle all night. Wake up, make breakfast, and go on our ways. He said he was afraid of "leading me on" with that kinda stuff. At the time I didn't have feelings for him (or so I thought) and I said that was okay, that it didn't bother me. That was a number of months ago. About the beginning of April.

 

Things have definitely changed since then. Things have progressed.

If I don't respond to his texts, he acts out, either with more texts or a phonecall. One time he deleted me on facebook because I "wasn't paying attention to anything [he] posted". Another time he deleted me because he thought he was bad for me. ...

My friends swear up and down he loves me but he denies it every time they ask. I was asked out on a date by a friend, but it ended up not working out. I quietly heard him say "yessss" like a celebratory-kind when I told him about it. He hasn't dated since me. His friends say it's like he has a girlfriend again. They constantly joke about it. Once we were out with his friends, he walked away and his friend said to me "He's checking you out. No seriously, he is." Every time I sleep over there, he caresses me and cuddles me, with his face right up next to mine. Nothing sexual has ever happened while I've slept over there.

 

I realized about a week ago I've been repressing my feelings, including how I felt towards him. After a good friend (one of his ex's, coincidentally) told me she's started seeing a guy, and that he's "it" for her, I realized that's exactly how I felt towards my ex, and came to terms with the feelings I still have for him.

 

Here's where things get really confusing.

Two nights ago we got really drunk, celebrating me getting a new job. We ended up back at his place. Next thing I know I'm in his bed. Then we're making out. Then we're having sex. Then we wake up, cuddle for a few hours, then get up. We did some errands then I went home to get ready for my new job.

 

As far as I can tell, judging from the facebook comments and texts I've gotten since the incident, he isn't bothered by it at all. But I feel horrible, and I don't even know why. All my friends say it's obvious he has feelings for me, but I know him, he would never admit it.

 

Where do I stand with him? Do you guys think he loves me? What do I do? How do I act? Do I pretend this never happened? Where does it go from here? Should I talk to him or just let it unfold on its own? Was this just sex and nothing else?

 

HELP!!!

 

yup.

FWB.

Mr no-commitment does it again.

all the great stuff to do with a gal hanging on your arm like a charm, and who's he over h for him... but what does he get out of it?

A relationship where he has absolutely no commitment, no responsibility but a whole load of fun.

everybody thinks you're great together.

Your friends do.

his friends do.

YOU do.

 

the huge gap in he plan is that he appears to have no intention of confirming that.

Tell me... why is he getting everything his own way?

[badcrayonz]

Okay, so what do I do from here? How do I get a relationship out of him, if it's even possible? Or did sleeping with him stick me in the fwb situation?

[TaraMaiden]

Okay, so what do I do from here?

go No Contact (it's all in my signature).

 

How do I get a relationship out of him, if it's even possible?

As far as he's concerned, the one he's in suits him just fine... what fix it if it ain't broke?

And if it's not the kind you want - why would you still be there?

You can lead a horse to water, honey, but trust me, this one won't even look in the bucket....

 

 

Or did sleeping with him stick me in the fwb situation?

you jst got it, really, didn't you?

 

Your choice:

Stay with him, as things are, or accept that this is stagnant and going nowhere fast.

doubtless he will plead, beg and say wonderful things to get you to come back.

But that won't change what he wants, or how he gets it.

Actions, darling, always actions, speak louder than words....

[badcrayonz]

I thought no contact was just to establish a boundary to get over an ex. Should I treat this as a relationship and "break up" with him? Did I forget to mention this will be really hard cause he's also been my best friend for almost a year now...? :/

Just to clarify though, if I go through with the nc thing, I've been told that nc actually is harmful in couples getting back together. I still have hope that this can work.

[barriob]

Go NC!!!! I did the exact same thing you did and now im so devastated. He started ignoring me and I recently found out why. He has a gf. Dont hurt yourseld. Move on and get out asap. Youll be glad you did. I wiah I could have done this way sooner.