skyisfalling Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 My ex bf and I have been NC for over 3 weeks.. He just one day randomly disappeared from the face of this earth. Today, I found out through an online dating search that my ex has been on a dating site for the past 3 months!! He was looking to cheat on me, ESPECIALLY after he told me cheating disgusts him. Should I send him a hate email to tell him how despicable he is?? I'm so mad, im so upset, hurt, betrayed another layer. I wasn't even trying to look him up, i just accidentally stumbled upon his profile since my criteria matched his profile. OMG i'm shaking, please help..
Samilia Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 That sucks.. I know my ex had his profile still up while we were dating, so I have a clue about how you're feeling. I am not sure if sending him a message would bring you the closure you're looking for. What if you confront him and he says "yes, I had this profile up", then what? You call him an *sshole, he hangs up, you cry.. I would let it go.. or maybe send an email, but again, that's setting yourself up for more heartaches.
Author skyisfalling Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 i just feel so betrayed... like our whole relationship was fake.
Samilia Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I know, it hurts. Lies, betrayal, anger... I understand how you feel.
DMS Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Not real sure how I can help. But I would say be glad you have been pursuing no contact. I know that it is not easy finding your ex has been looking elsewhere while you thought you were in a good relationship. I understand the pain and anger but just be glad he broke it off instead of stringing you along any more. I wish I could offer more support but that is the best I have right now.
AlexanderJames Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I'm sorry you came across this And I'm sorry that you feel like you've taken a tumble backwards. Like DMS, theres not a lot I can say to help really. That he hasnt said anyway. At least you got out of it before something worse happened. Let yourself be angry, let yourself feel betrayed and let yourself feel the sadness. They will all pass. Just be proud for sticking to NC and looking out for yourself. Because we are all proud of you. Don't email him its not worth it. I tried this myself a couple of times and it worked. Write an angry email, everything you would say to him, everything you want off of your chest. As you put thoughts into words you are identifying emotions and feelings and helping get rid of them. Write it all out, everything. Read it through a few times. Then delete it. Or send it to yourself. But not him. An alternative which I never personally tried but I could be on to something here. Write an email from the strong and courageous side of you that knows how important it is that you close the book on this chapter for good, and adress it to the side of you that is unsure and struggling. You'll have to try hard to be firm with yourself and strong while you write it. Remind the side of you that is finding things hard why you are doing this, and how good things are to come. Sounds kind of stupid and mentally unstable reading back through it. But hey, hearing these things from yourself might help.
Author skyisfalling Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 I just took a really cold cold cold shower.. to cool myself off and now i feel less jittery. The person that you dated that you wanted to marry is not the person who you thought they were. They are such monsters. I was so oblivious to all this, how do i prevent myself from it happening again. I had no idea he was trying to screw someone behind my back, NO IDEA. He was affectionate and charming up until the day we broke up. How do i prevent myself from dating serial cheaters like this?
Thisisbs Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Unfortunately the thing is you can't really ensure your heart safety. If you have good standards, and a clear head (not blinded by infatuations) throughout the relationship, and you generally know them well, and the people they know well, you have a better chance that the person is not an evil monster.
Samilia Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I just took a really cold cold cold shower.. to cool myself off and now i feel less jittery. The person that you dated that you wanted to marry is not the person who you thought they were. They are such monsters. I was so oblivious to all this, how do i prevent myself from it happening again. I had no idea he was trying to screw someone behind my back, NO IDEA. He was affectionate and charming up until the day we broke up. How do i prevent myself from dating serial cheaters like this? I know what you mean, but no worries, he's not the majority. Each time we date someone we take a chance, but that's what dating is for, getting to know people. What you can do is protect your heart while you're in the dating phase, I know it's easier said than done, but that's all I can think about for now.
StarlaStardust Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Ohh, Sky! (((((((((((((((Sky))))))))))))) <--- hugs 1st of all -- don't freak. Maybe he registered to stalk an ex of his out of curiosity. Maybe he registered to help a friend craft a profile (I've done this) since there are limits on how many times you can view site content without being logged in as a member. 2nd of all -- maybe he WAS looking for something else. Who cares? He checked out anyway, and that's all that you need to know. I have a feeling you're going to find yourself feeling better tomorrow, as in more able to move on. Don't contact him about this. Anger is a very energetically powerful thing and I believe it would be wasted on him. I wonder how you can use that energy on yourself in a positive way instead? (((((((((((((((sky)))))))))))))))
Author skyisfalling Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 (edited) He checked out 3 MONTHS ago.. WOW. Unf**kingbelievable. He said he's looking for someone to settle down with and get married to crock of sh**. Thank you guys, i just ran a mile after being unable to calm my nerves. Tomorrow is a new day where I will no longer even think of him.. I can't believe he was planning on CHEATING 3 months prior to this.. wow. despicable. IF THIS ISNT CLOSURE I DONT KNOW WHAT IS. Edited June 29, 2012 by skyisfalling
TaraMaiden Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Closure, huh? Read my sig. Hopefully, we feel a whole lot better afterwards. focus on re-balancing. and eat yoghurt. it's good for the stomach....
Author skyisfalling Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 Thanks Tara, I definitely vomited everything out and it is DEFINITELY out of my system. Hopefully the yogurt will ease the pain.
StarlaStardust Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Hey Sky, how are you feeling today? It's gonna get better. I promise.
KatZee Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 (edited) i just feel so betrayed... like our whole relationship was fake. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. I thought I had a great relationship with my ex too and then I found out he cheated on me despite how "perfect" he was acting. I realized right then and there, that everything about him was always an act. He put on this phony facade, always made himself out to be the "best" person possible, and it disgusts me because everyone loves him and thinks he's the greatest thing on earth since sliced bread and I truly feel I'm the only person that knows the real him. A lying, cheating, manipulative, self-centered, egotistical, power hungry snake. Don't beat yourself up. When my ex ended it with me, I originally wanted to get back with him. We'd been NC for about two months now and just this week he sent me a text message, affirming that everything he ever said to me as we were breaking up was a lie. He just wanted me to hear what I wanted to hear, and never meant a word of it. Cheaters, are liars. Liars are cheaters. So whether he did cheat, or was planning to cheat, had checked out or whatever else... he was on dating sites saying he wanted something else. That to me is a liar and a cheater (emotional if you will). So the sooner you accept this the sooner the emotional bonds that tie you to him will be severed. For me personally, oh I lashed out at him big time. All of the hate, anger, resentment, and bad feelings I had for him that were bottled up for these two months of NC finally had a chance to come out, and for me, maybe it doesn't look good on me that I went all "psycho ex" but I swear on everything that is holy that he had it coming, and he deserved every word I said. I knew I would have hated myself if I didn't get to this chance to tell him how I TRULY felt about him. I'm pretty sure none of it affected him, but it allowed me to get all of that nastiness, the negativity, and bad feelings out of me, and after I sent that to him, I realized everything I was holding on to, was gone. It felt SO DAMN GOOD to tell him what a piece of sh*t he truly is to me. If you know you'll never see him again, or want to get back with him and you want to sever all ties, and you have no mutual friends, go for it. I found it to be very theraputic. Edited June 29, 2012 by KatZee
StarlaStardust Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I personally don't see the benefit of lashing out. But everyone handles things differently, and I would never venture to say one way is right or wrong. I never lashed out at my ex. It feels so tempting to want to DO something with our righteous hurt feelings, but I looked inward and could see that I was just trying to push their full weight off of me and onto something/someone else by wanting to share my hurt and my anger with an ex who wouldn't even have the decency to speak with me in the first place. It was a way of avoiding letting the hope go. Or even expectation of a decent apology. If an apology is coming, it won't be because you confronted him. He might apologize when backed into a corner, but it won't feel very satisfying to you. So my take on it is this: write a letter. Let it out. DON'T SEND HIM THE LETTER. Maybe prepare a little speech for how you can't be friends/get back together/whatever for when he comes back around. You can tell him then. But seeking him out to tell him how hurt you are and how much he sucks when you two are not even in contact may make you look or feel psycho. In my opinion, it would drag you down to his level of 'extremes,' where his extreme is 'avoiding' and your extreme is 'forcing upon.'
Author skyisfalling Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 Hey Sky, how are you feeling today? It's gonna get better. I promise. What would I do without you? Thank you for caring and being concerned, talking to you is always so therapeutic. How are you feeling today Starla? Cheaters, are liars. Liars are cheaters. So whether he did cheat, or was planning to cheat, had checked out or whatever else... he was on dating sites saying he wanted something else. That to me is a liar and a cheater (emotional if you will). So the sooner you accept this the sooner the emotional bonds that tie you to him will be severed. Thank you for sharing your story with me Katzee. I'm sorry you had to go through that it really smashes your ego into tiny little pieces and I can't help but feel like somehow its my fault. I cant believe that my so called prince charming who was so perfect, he said all the right things, shared the same values/morals was all lies. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that one. The shock of last night has definitely severed all possible connections to reconciliation so hopefully this will help me move on faster without longing for him or hoping things could work out in the future. Although the hope is gone, I feel like the pain just doubled. Thanks everyone on this forum who really helped me yesterday and being there for me when i was literally shaking. This really sucks the life out of you and even though my self esteem is shot to sh**, knowing all of you guys are pulling through WITH ME sharing our pain with each other, venting, and supporting each other, I feel like I can overcome this one day. One day at a time...
StarlaStardust Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 What would I do without you? Thank you for caring and being concerned, talking to you is always so therapeutic. How are you feeling today Starla? Feeling quite lovely, thank you! I have been having visions of a True Love I have yet to meet. I can see his face and sense his personality. It feels amazing. I can't wait to meet him. Just...not yet, please! I'm really committed to being single for now. Much love to all of us. 1
KatZee Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I personally don't see the benefit of lashing out. But everyone handles things differently, and I would never venture to say one way is right or wrong. The benefit, for me personally, wasn't to get an apology. I couldn't care less because any "apology" that would have come out of his mouth would have been half-a$$ed, and probably just said to make HIM look like the decent person. It wouldn't have been a true apology or an apology of sincere regret or remorse. I wouldn't personally even accept an apology. An apology to me mean, "I know I messed up and I will try to never hurt you like that again, I feel empathy for you, and sincere remorse for what I did." When I found out he cheated, the apology I got was so phony. He confessed because he was scared someone else would tell me. He never felt bad for what he did. It was something he did impulsively because he felt like it, and that was it. People like this don't give a crap about anyone else. So there's my long winded apology explanation. For me, I was feeling extreme regret for not telling him how I truly felt. For almost three years all I basically did was worship the ground he walked on. Supported him. Cared for him. Remained faithful to him. I was there in every aspect possible as an amazing girlfriend and he took all of that and threw it in my face like it was nothing. The hate in me was more than I could tolerate and every single day I went home and vented out loud. I wrote things down. Nothing helped. It didn't matter that I wrote it or spoke it. He still was living scott free like what he did was nothing. For me, he NEEDED to be aware that he was the lowest form of human being on this earth. Cruel. Callous. Deceitful. I really don't even care as to whether or not he read it. It just felt REAL good to send it to his email and to know it had reached him. I don't even care if he did or didn't respond. I set it up so all e-mails from his account from this point forward get sent directly to the trash. I'm not interested in hearing one thing out of his mouth. It would all be a lie anyway. For me, that was the closure I needed. To release all of that... was amazing.
KatZee Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 What would I do without you? Thank you for caring and being concerned, talking to you is always so therapeutic. How are you feeling today Starla? Thank you for sharing your story with me Katzee. I'm sorry you had to go through that it really smashes your ego into tiny little pieces and I can't help but feel like somehow its my fault. I cant believe that my so called prince charming who was so perfect, he said all the right things, shared the same values/morals was all lies. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that one. The shock of last night has definitely severed all possible connections to reconciliation so hopefully this will help me move on faster without longing for him or hoping things could work out in the future. Although the hope is gone, I feel like the pain just doubled. Thanks everyone on this forum who really helped me yesterday and being there for me when i was literally shaking. This really sucks the life out of you and even though my self esteem is shot to sh**, knowing all of you guys are pulling through WITH ME sharing our pain with each other, venting, and supporting each other, I feel like I can overcome this one day. One day at a time... The pain will ease as each day passes. And personally for me, once people start screwing me over, messing with me on this level, it is THAT much easier to cut them from my life, and never give them a second thought again. Maybe there's something wrong with me on an emotional level, but whether it be a friend, a boyfriend, ANYONE. Once the disrespect starts, once I know you've been a liar and you've played me, that's it. The emotional ties I had with you, the feelings I had for you, they're completely wiped out and from that point forward you're nothing to me. That's where I'm at. I think as long as you focus on the lovey dovey aspects of how great a person was, you cling that much harder to the past. I move on much easier with a disdain for that person. Because i realize I don't want a person like that, and they absolutely don't deserve me. So go live your lying little life, and good luck to you because you'll need it. And of course, I gave a silent apology to all women out there for tossing this pond scum back into the dating pool. He's trash, always will be trash, and he's going to now go and screw someone else's life up. I feel so bad for whoever that will be.
Samilia Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 hey Sky, how are you doing today? Funny because I went running yesterday too! I think it's easier to walk away from a cheater and liar than from someone who is a good person and just doesn't love us. So no worries, he's done you a favour by not hiding his profile. I know it sucks, and it's a good reason to start getting anger management classes but for me anger is a better motivation than sadness, so let's look at the bright side: you're single, on your way to meet a nice guy!! I'll be on more in a few hours if you want to chat Cheers!!! **hugs**
Author skyisfalling Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 The pain will ease as each day passes. And personally for me, once people start screwing me over, messing with me on this level, it is THAT much easier to cut them from my life, and never give them a second thought again. I definitely need to tell myself this everyday. He screwed me over, basically cheated in the relationship, and everything out of his mouth were lies. I want NOTHING MORE to do with him, but it really hurts and I can't stop myself from not feeling the pain, the betrayal.. its relieving to know someone who went through a similar ordeal and came out stronger. hey Sky, how are you doing today? Funny because I went running yesterday too! I think it's easier to walk away from a cheater and liar than from someone who is a good person and just doesn't love us. So no worries, he's done you a favour by not hiding his profile. I know it sucks, and it's a good reason to start getting anger management classes but for me anger is a better motivation than sadness, so let's look at the bright side: you're single, on your way to meet a nice guy!! I'll be on more in a few hours if you want to chat Cheers!!! **hugs** Thanks Samilia. I'm glad you're coping OK and good job on being able to keep your cool during work. I've been following your threads and I think everyone here is proud of the progress you've been making along this journey. My self esteem is really poor right now and I hope I can be strong one day.. keep us updated on your progress!
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