To Tell or Not to Tell

June 28, 2012

fWS here and as part of cleaning up the horrendous mess I made, I am struggling with whether or not to tell xMM's W about our A and if so, I truly want to make sure I am doing it because it is the right thing to do and NOT out of some ulterior motive so any insights are greatly appreciated.

I had an A that last two years and though I was separated at the time, it definitely was cheating on my part because my H and I had agreed not to see other people. I ended the A but H found out several months later. We tried to reconcile but ended up divorcing which was the best thing for both of us. Let me be very clear--I accept full responsibility for my actions and the consequences of them. After D-day fH said he was going to tell OM's W and I told him that obviously he could do whatever he wanted/needed to do; however I wasn't going to do that because OM had small children and I really believe the issue is between spouses. My fH never did tell her.

It has been well over a year since all has been done but I keep thinking about whether xMM's wife has a right to know? In no way do I want revenge or anything like that. I truly only want to do the right thing.

As an aside, I was three months into my first R since my D when I found out my partner had cheated on me shortly after we had met. Karma, right? It was a good lesson for me and after awhile, we worked through it and have a very strong R now. As many BS say, the WORST is the lying and attempts to cover up. God know I tried that when my A was first discovered! But omission is pretty much the same, right?

Anyways, bottom line, should I let "sleeping dogs lie" or should I tell? I really don't want to tell because of his children, but again, want to do the right thing to help make amends for the mess I caused. BTW my children found out (they are older) and oh boy, were they mad (understandably) Fortunately, through lots of therapy and conversations and time, healing is taking place. My fH has moved on into a healthy R and he most certainly deserves that. All seems to finally be settled and resolved but this just keeps nagging at me, especially because the A lasted so long

Any thoughts?

June 29, 2012

I've asked myself this a Million times. Like you, in the past I was OW. Long term. More than once. I was single. There was never a D Day.

Later, I married and have now been divorced 2 years because my H was a serial cheater. Call it what you will, but it felt like Karma to me at the time.

I think back to when I was a BS and wish someone could have told me what was happening. I think every person deserves to know the realities of their own life so they live it and make decisions knowing all the facts. Affairs Suck.

But no, I've not gone back and told. Now it's quite a few years.

June 29, 2012

I'm a betrayed spouse ( I hate how that sounds), I would want to know the truth.

June 29, 2012

Thanks for the replies....

If she had found out and were to contact me, I absolutely would answer her questions truthfully. My struggle is that the A is long over and she never found out. Do I have a right to go barging into her life and tell her what happened? To turn her world upside down? On the other hand, doesn't she have the right to know what went on without her knowledge for two years? On the other hand, am I just feeling this way because my M ended in D and xMM had no "consequences?" I don't think the latter is the case; it just feels too hurtful to ring her up and say, "Oh by the way, your H and I had a two year A".

On numerous occasions I clearly chose not to do the right thing and I'm just trying to live my life differently but again, not sure what is "right" here.

June 29, 2012

Thanks for the replies....
If she had found out and were to contact me, I absolutely would answer her questions truthfully. My struggle is that the A is long over and she never found out. Do I have a right to go barging into her life and tell her what happened? To turn her world upside down? On the other hand, doesn't she have the right to know what went on without her knowledge for two years? On the other hand, am I just feeling this way because my M ended in D and xMM had no "consequences?" I don't think the latter is the case; it just feels too hurtful to ring her up and say, "Oh by the way, your H and I had a two year A".
On numerous occasions I clearly chose not to do the right thing and I'm just trying to live my life differently but again, not sure what is "right" here.

He will probably cheat on her again, because there were no consequences.

I can understand that you may be inviting turmoil into your life if you did tell her.

Is there any way you could do it anonymously?

June 29, 2012

I don't think anonymity is an option--he would know it came from me. Plus, I'm guessing she would want some type of "proof" and that could only come from me. I am more than willing to deal with any turmoil coming my way--that is just another consequence of my actions. If they didn't have children, I would definitely tell her, I just feel so badly that their lives would be turned upside down by this. As I said, my kids' lives were too and we got through it, but it was the worst experience of their lives and I wish I had never put them through it.

June 29, 2012

I don't think anonymity is an option--he would know it came from me. Plus, I'm guessing she would want some type of "proof" and that could only come from me. I am more than willing to deal with any turmoil coming my way--that is just another consequence of my actions. If they didn't have children, I would definitely tell her, I just feel so badly that their lives would be turned upside down by this. As I said, my kids' lives were too and we got through it, but it was the worst experience of their lives and I wish I had never put them through it.

Yes, it would really be hard for their children, as you saw it first hand with your own.

I think you should listen to your heart, and if it says no, then don't tell.

June 29, 2012

I'm a betrayed spouse ( I hate how that sounds), I would want to know the truth.

I agree.

I am the faithful spouse and I would want to know.

If, after having all the facts, I make an informed decision to reconcile, all the cards are on the table and we can deal with the issues.

If I decide to divorce, I again am making an informed decision for my future since my past has been a lie, no?

What if you tell him first what you intend to do, and give him a deadline to tell her himself? Make yourself available to speak with her. Send her the emails or whatever proof you may have. Do not tip your hand that you have proof to HIM.

Taking the high road, one with integrity and a moral compass and empathy, is never easy.

I wish you peace and the resolve you will need to do this. But it is the right thing, and if you are like me, at the end of our days, my resolve is have NO REGRETS.

Good luck.

June 29, 2012

Anonymously really would be better for the BS---even if your fMM figures out it was you.

There's an extra layer of insult for the BS, to hear from the AP.

Even if you're trying to be as kind, and sensitive as possible--that will always be a rub. It would add to her pain, in other words.

There's also a high likelihood that you won't be believed.

June 29, 2012

Right after my D-Day hit, I told xMM that my H and or one of my young adult sons might tell his W. xMM said if they did, they would regret it, that he would get his brother, blah, blah, blah. I told him that given what we had done, my H had every right to do whatever he wanted to with the information and left it at that. Given this experience, I'm not sure giving him the heads up is the right move. But I will think about it--thanks

June 29, 2012

Anonymously really would be better for the BS---even if your fMM figures out it was you.

There's an extra layer of insult for the BS, to hear from the AP.
Even if you're trying to be as kind, and sensitive as possible--that will always be a rub. It would add to her pain, in other words.

There's also a high likelihood that you won't be believed.

I hadn't thought about that, you raise a good point. The last thing I would want to do is add insult.

June 29, 2012

I disagree with the anonymous route for several reasons but probably the most important one is I think it would be less believable coming from an "anonymous source." And.....if one is going to provide the proof then that is even more of a reason to not be anonymous and OP says she is ready for the consequences.

Just my 2 cents.

Good point, LG~~~Unfortunately there is no simple solution for this.

Myself, I would be skeptical if I received an anonymous letter telling my SO was cheating--Part of me would suspect deliberate sabotage. Sadly, I'm not as inclined to see the best in people as I used to be.

In MY case---the OW my SO had an EA with was the type to deliberately sabotage, and play mind games.

So--if I was to be contacted by her, with evidence of an affair, it would be that much more painful to me. She'd be the LAST person I'd want to hear it from.

I realize that I'm projecting my own experience onto how I feel about this. And I know that every OW is not cruel, or vindictive--(unfortunately that IS what I dealt with , though) . I'm certainly not presuming that of the OP, here.

So far, I like Spark's idea best---give the MM an ultimatum to be the first to tell---that may be all it takes to motivate him.

June 29, 2012

Thanks for the replies....
If she had found out and were to contact me, I absolutely would answer her questions truthfully. My struggle is that the A is long over and she never found out. Do I have a right to go barging into her life and tell her what happened? To turn her world upside down? On the other hand, doesn't she have the right to know what went on without her knowledge for two years? On the other hand, am I just feeling this way because my M ended in D and xMM had no "consequences?" I don't think the latter is the case; it just feels too hurtful to ring her up and say, "Oh by the way, your H and I had a two year A".
On numerous occasions I clearly chose not to do the right thing and I'm just trying to live my life differently but again, not sure what is "right" here.

I think doing it out of revenge would require some thought but even then, I personally believe the BW has a right to make an informed decision abou her life. I don't think it needs to be anonymous at all. Frankly (gently), this is lilely one of your consequences. She will likely need some evidence of it or he'll just make you out to be some crazy person.

You're not ruining her family. That's already been done. You're saving her from continuing to live a lie, one that she might perhaps live for the rest of her life if no one has the compassion to tell her. Be gentle, be apologetic, and be truthful. This is part of living a new, authentic life.

June 29, 2012

Anonymously really would be better for the BS---even if your fMM figures out it was you.

There's an extra layer of insult for the BS, to hear from the AP.
Even if you're trying to be as kind, and sensitive as possible--that will always be a rub. It would add to her pain, in other words.

There's also a high likelihood that you won't be believed.

I think doing it out of revenge would require some thought but even then, I personally believe the BW has a right to make an informed decision abou her life. I don't think it needs to be anonymous at all. Frankly (gently), this is lilely one of your consequences. She will likely need some evidence of it or he'll just make you out to be some crazy person.

You're not ruining her family. That's already been done. You're saving her from continuing to live a lie, one that she might perhaps live for the rest of her life if no one has the compassion to tell her. Be gentle, be apologetic, and be truthful. This is part of living a new, authentic life.

Thank you for your response. Yes, this is likely one of my consequences, I just need to hear from someone who has been in her shoes what they would want. I certainly learned about the selfishness of my A and I want to look outside myself at what others might need.

I need to ask this question and I ask it with an open mind and honest intentions---is her family really ruined if she doesn't ever know? I honestly don't think he will cheat again. Although he claimed he was only going to stay until he kids were older, the marriage was dead etc., we all know that is most likely a huge lie. Isn't it his responsibility to live an honest life with her, or is that just a cop out on my part?

The bottom line is I don't want to cause any more damage than I already have but those of you have walked in the horrendous path of being a BS, have far more credibility than I in answering this question.Don't some BS say they wish they had never found out?

June 29, 2012

Thank you for your response. Yes, this is likely one of my consequences, I just need to hear from someone who has been in her shoes what they would want. I certainly learned about the selfishness of my A and I want to look outside myself at what others might need.
I need to ask this question and I ask it with an open mind and honest intentions---is her family really ruined if she doesn't ever know? I honestly don't think he will cheat again. Although he claimed he was only going to stay until he kids were older, the marriage was dead etc., we all know that is most likely a huge lie. Isn't it his responsibility to live an honest life with her, or is that just a cop out on my part?
The bottom line is I don't want to cause any more damage than I already have but those of you have walked in the horrendous path of being a BS, have far more credibility than I in answering this question.Don't some BS say they wish they had never found out?

Personally, I think his marriage has zero chance of working out if the affair never comes to light. She will constantly be unaware that she is competing with someone else. She will trust him and act like a normal spouse that gripes over whose turn it is to do the dishes, etc. That is SO not exciting compared to affair sex. He may divorce her and she'll never have any idea what she did. The whole situation is patently unfair to her. She needs the respect from someone to let her know the truth and to make her own decision with her life. She won't like you but the fact that you told her will be insignificant compared to the fact that her H did this. Give her a chance to not have to be played as the fool until she is discarded. There is NO WAY I wouldn't have wanted to know. I suppose some seriously wealthy and politically connected people that are already having their own affairs might want not to know but that doesn't sou d like the case here. The fact is that just about any rational person would wantto know the truth so they could make their own decisions (perhaps that includes ignoring it). The problem here is that it is potentially the rest of her life that hangs in the balance. She might spend her life committed to a man while sacrificing herself, only to have wasted her short life on him. We only get one. As a BS, My vote is that she needs (and would desperately want) to know.

June 29, 2012

Thanks for the replies....
If she had found out and were to contact me, I absolutely would answer her questions truthfully. My struggle is that the A is long over and she never found out. Do I have a right to go barging into her life and tell her what happened? To turn her world upside down? On the other hand, doesn't she have the right to know what went on without her knowledge for two years? On the other hand, am I just feeling this way because my M ended in D and xMM had no "consequences?" I don't think the latter is the case; it just feels too hurtful to ring her up and say, "Oh by the way, your H and I had a two year A".
On numerous occasions I clearly chose not to do the right thing and I'm just trying to live my life differently but again, not sure what is "right" here.

You do know she IS going to feel threatened by you because you and your H divorced and you waited a year to tell her the truth. She IS going to think that you're telling her to bust up her marriage so you can try to woo her husband away from her, hope they'll divorce and he can be yours. I know that isn't your intention but she will see it that way. And then you'll have tons of drama in your life, let alone a pissed off and worried BS coming at you and your exMM too.

You and exMM have been in total NC? And your exH decided not to tell.. A year has gone by, they have small children and you've moved on, healed. IN this particular case, don't tell. The time has come and gone..

June 29, 2012

Don't some BS say they wish they had never found out?

Some do, some don't.

A friend of mine told me once: If my H ever cheated, I'd rather not know. Let him live with the guilt for the rest of his life. Let him suffer.

June 29, 2012

Right after my D-Day hit, I told xMM that my H and or one of my young adult sons might tell his W. xMM said if they did, they would regret it, that he would get his brother, blah, blah, blah. I told him that given what we had done, my H had every right to do whatever he wanted to with the information and left it at that. Given this experience, I'm not sure giving him the heads up is the right move. But I will think about it--thanks

WHy on earth would you give your exMM a heads up? That's suicide. And you first say he would know it was you if you did it annoymously.. But then you say your young adult son also knows (knew) of the A and could possibly tell as well.

Maybe that is why your exH chose not to tell. He didn't want to deal with the fallout since he was dealing with the fallout of your A in his own life.

June 29, 2012

OP, I admire that your moral compass is such that you actually feel remorse for your part in the affair and have enough compassion for xMM's wife that you feel she has a right to know.

She does have a right to know, regardless of what your motivation is. Your motivation does NOT make the information any less important to her - whether you tell her for remorse. whether you tell her for sh*ts and giggles, or whether you tell her for pure revenge - it doesn't matter because the information remains the SAME.

Your motivation doesn't mean anything in the end. How she uses that information is all that matters to HER.

June 29, 2012

OP, I also admire your desire to do the right thing--whatever that actually is in your situation.

I think that this is a decision that you, and you alone, can only make. There has been some truly excellent advice on this thread which maybe will help you make the final decision.

If I were in your shoes, I would look deep inside of myself and figure out if it is the right thing to do. I think every situation is so different and ultimately no matter what choice you make--to either inform her or keep quiet--will probably weigh on you.

It seems your life is in order, OP. Your fH has moved on and is in a new relationship. You've learned some painful lessons but have come out a stronger, more compassionate person. Your children are recovering.

What is interesting to me is that now that your life is settling down and you had the experience of being cheated on yourself, that now you feel compelled somehow to inform the BW in your situation.

Maybe this compulsion is your intuition telling you to do the "right thing"--whatever that is...or it could be that because your life has finally settled down, now you have time to reflect on what your actions have really done to an innocent woman. It's as if before now you were too busy with the fallout in your own life: ending the affair, divorce, your children, etc. that you didn't have time to think of her but now you do. (no slam intended)

Think carefully on this, ponder the very good points posters have brought up on your thread here and then follow your intuition.

Edited June 29, 2012 by Snowflower
Additional thoughts!

June 29, 2012

AofA,

I will advise you with 2 real life examples from my personal life!

Example 1:

I am a long ago BW whose H got caught with an OW. He sweared up and down it was the first time he had ever been unfaithful and begged for forgivness. Many years later, his guilt got the best of him, and he confessed that the OW he got caught with was really his 3rd affair!

I honestly feel that if he had gotten caught the first time he cheated, and had to face all the consequences at that time, he never would have cheated again. Some people only learn things the hard way!

Example 2:

My grown D is divorcing her H because of his 2 OW being kind enough to call and tell her what all he has been up to for over half of her marriage.

He had a 4 year affair with OW#1, then got greedy and got OW#2. They both found out about each other, and were furious with him for all the lies and deceit!

We live in one of the 13 states in the US where if adultery is proven, assets are divided 60/40 instead of 50/50. Both OW provided my D with all the evidence she needs for this divorce!(including willing to testify in court if necessary)

She will always be grateful that the OW came forward with the truth! It would have been horrible for her to have wasted her life away with this loser simply because of not knowing the real picture of who he is!

I commend you for your courage in trying to right a wrong by letting the BW know the truth! If he gets away with it scott free, he will probably cheat again in the future.

June 29, 2012

I would want to know. I wouldn't want it to be you that told me.

June 29, 2012

He will probably cheat on her again, because there were no consequences.

I can understand that you may be inviting turmoil into your life if you did tell her.

Is there any way you could do it anonymously?

There is no "probably" about it. He is and he will continue to. Heck, he even had another woman on the side while he was cheating with ageofaquarius.

How do you know his wife doesn't already know? Sounds to me like there is a whole trail of OW in his life. One of them may have told her. Or his wife may have caught him. It may even be an open marriage. You won't know because you cannot believe a word out of his mouth.

At this point I say do what ever feels right to you.

If you tell the wife:

-she may already knows about other OW, then that just gives her more ammo against him.

-she may not know about any of you OW, then she can take control of her life. I'm sure the husband will blame you for ruining his marriage because he is too much of an egomaniac to see he is the one that ruined it.

If you don't tell then you move on, hopefully learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them.

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