daisygirl Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 Hello. I just read HOPEOVEREXPERIENCE'S thread concerning beginning dating and experiencing feelings, and wanting to express them. Fortunately she did not actually ruin a budding new relationship - I however, may have. About 2 months ago I met a great guy. We are both in our early 30s. We only dated for about a month, seeing each other only four times (one was a lunch date, then two weeks went by, then we had a great dinner and activity date, followed by the third date being lunch the next day, and finally another lunch the next week). He lives in a different city about an hour drive from where I live and is here on business twice a month. He came on very strong...after he called me, I emailed back, he wrote back AND called back, this going on the entire time I knew him. He would call every other night, email every day, seemed so very interested in everything about me, talked about so many things (activities, etc.) that he looked forward to doing with me, etc. He told me he was divorced and didn't have a girlfriend. In our first phone conversation, we discussed our separate pasts (the story of his marriage, and that of my only long term - 4yr - relationship, ironically lasting the same amount of time during the same period of time, ending 3 years ago). We were really open and honest with each other. I told him I didn't date much and didn't know much about how to do it...he dated more frequently. I was on cloud nine for a few weeks. Between the first and second date (two weeks), we talked and wrote a lot, so that by the time we saw each other again, it seemed like there was an excited comfortableness. The second date things went a little far physically (not too far), but didn't seem to ruin anything yet. He was very couple-ish with me (hand holding, arm around me, etc.) at lunch the next day and called me three time later that day and once each day thereafter. I made my mistake in writing him an email, telling him I was leery about developing feelings for someone if he's not on the same page. I also asked if he was dating others. He wrote back - two days later (the first time I didn't hear from him every day) - and said he was dating other girls but hadn't taken any of the relationships to the "next level". I was very surprised to hear this. He called to have lunch the next day (last date), we talked about it and I was uncomfortable with it, but didn't feel I was in a place to demand anything of him. He did tell me I was the only person he was pursuing; he just goes out with the others if they happen to call. We left it as that, he was going to call me again to date (he still wanted to see me, so he said). That night I talked to a friend who convinced me he was a player and that I was better than that. I emailed him the next day a very harsh message, breaking it off. I regretted that - somewhat - and wrote again 5 days later asking to be "friends". This time he responded. He said he was at a loss of words for how to respond, dating is just dating and you don't know if you're compatible after only a few dates, and something else about reaching a point of exclusivity. I had never dated like this before, but am finding after-the-fact that it is a very common approach (he said this too). He ended it by telling me to "take care...". I wrote back, asking if we might give it another shot (that I screwed up) and he said he couldn't meet me for a drink, but might call me to have lunch sometime again when he's in my area, but as a friend, as he isn't interested in anything of a "romantic flavor at this time". I wrote back, apologized for how I acted, said I took some bad advice, and would take the week back if I could. I ended it by telling him that of course it would be nice to see him again sometime. This was all three weeks ago. I haven't heard from him since. Most people I talk to tell me I was wrong and I agree. I would really like to see him again, and understand he's probably not interested in a relationship (gun-shy cp perhaps? he did get badly burned in his marriage), and I am, so maybe its good that he hasn't called. There's nothing more I can do but wonder... yes, I know, a learning experience for next time, but I still want a "do-over" for this time. How can someone express so much interest in you and time, etc., then after a difference in perspective, just forget it? I know it was only a few weeks, but still... Here's my questions: 1. What are the chances he'll call? Do men ever give second chances so soon? 2. Should I even want him to call? 3. What should I do/say if he does? How do I act? (note, I did bring up the "friends" thing first, not him, but that was before I asked for a second chance...) 4. In general, when is the appropriate time to tell someone about others, or it is always assumed people are dating others until otherwise said? I personally felt a little weird about being at all physically intimate (even kissing) with someone who could be doing this with others...is that typical? I obviously regret how this ended, but think I did at least the minimum amount of damage control I could. Again, we didn't know each other long, but he did get to know me, seemed to really like me, so how can one issue - one that took me a little bit of time to understand, even if I did get a little upset - just end it? We didn't even have a chance to establish a relationship.
Swamp Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 1. He may not call again at all. I think he may have been ran off by your harsh email, and really was looking for something less serious. I really would not hold your breath, and I know that can sting a bit. It can be very much a turn off to receive anything unpleasant from someone so quickly. He may be at a very careful and relaxed phase in his life. Wanting no demands to be made of him. It isn't selfish, he was married and obviously drained by his divorce, I really think he isn't ready to get into something so serious. 2. That depends on you. You 'should' do whatever makes you feel comfortable and satisfied. 3. If he calls, you should do what you feel is best. Tell him you want to see him, and are still interested in him. Or just go with the flow of things. 4. Dating is dangerous in this respect. The other partners, HOW intimate they are, HOW serious they are etc. It's always a mystery. I am not good at dating multiple people, or dating someone who does date multiple people. That really drives me crazy. You don't seem like you want to date someone who dates multiple people either, and it is understandable. I am like you. I suggest you get out more, meet some guys and learn how to date. I wouldn't throw yourself around or anything, but you need to be a little more seasoned. You could really use some dating experience, and use your new dating skill that you learned from THIS guy on your next one.
chicasha Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 I am in sort of the same situation as you were in.....I've been dating this wonderful guy for about a month and a half now. He's 30, and I'm almost 27. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders...good job...went to a great school...recently bought a house. He's very close to his mom, and the rest of this family in general. Unfortunatly...I believe his dad and his sister died (not sure of the circumstances....too soon to talk about something as personal as that...). He also lives about 1.5hrs from me. We actually met thru Friendster (we have a couple friends in common, which is good). At first...he was very pursuent...really wanted to meet up with me, after emailing a couple weeks. I was very attracted to his picture, and impressed w/ his profile...but was kinda hesitant to meeting up. I finally agreed to, but told him it was going to be a casual meeting for drinks, and that I'd be bringing a couple friends along (what if he was a psycho?!). Fortunately..he wasn't psycho, just a nice regular guy, and as attractive in person as he was in his pic. My friends liked him a lot, and told me I should continue keeping in touch with him. I did..we met a few times after that...he came down to visit me twice..and I went up to visit him once. We haven't had sex yet...I don't want to, because i'm not ready for it!! He started to go there on our last meeting...but when I gently pushed him away, he asked if it was too soon...and apologized. He was respectful after that, and still wanted to see me the next day. I thought that was a good sign. But...thing is...he's not very good at keeping in touch. At first...he used to initiate the phone-calls/e-mails..but now it seems like I do most of the initiating. I don't know if he's dating other girls...he very well could be. But....I dont' want to ask!!! I too am not good at dating multiple people, or being with someone who dates multiple people. I"m a one-man kinda girl......cos you're right, its weird to hug and kiss someone, and spend quality times with them.....when they're doing that with other girls too. You feel kinda dirty, and kinda like you're competing with people you don't even know. I know what I want from life....I'm almost 27...and I do want to settle down with a good guy. While I'm not looking to get married right away...I also don't want to waste time with someone who doens't want what I want...because I feel that I'm finally at a place where I"m happy with my life, my career, my friends, family. I don't need meaningless relationships with men anymore....I want a committed relationship with a solid guy. (too much to ask for?) sigh. But....i'm scared to ask him what he wants! its too early.....just a month and a half of dating...not a whole lot of one-on-one time b/c of the distance...and not a whole lot of communicating on phone or email. Well..there's definitely communication.....but not as much as I want. however...he seems genuinely interested when he sees me....and we do have so many interests in common...that I think it would just be a great match if it actually worked out! It would be so much fun to be with someone who I could share my interests with, and try new and exciting things with. I really do want thsi to work......but I'm scared I'm going to scare him away. Soo..i totally understand what you're goin through. I do agree that maybe your guy might not call you....but I know you're still interested cos he seems like a great guy. Maybe...you should wait it out for a few more weeks....and call him. But..in the meantime...continue to meet other guys. Its hard...I know....cos even tho there wasn't an established relationship...you're still getting over the fact that it was over before it had a chance to start. Am I right?? Soo...its hard to meet other people who live up to who he was...I totally understand that feeling. I think....you should let things calm down a bit...and try calling him in a few weeks...and genuinely express your feeligs for him, and let him know how sorry you still are for the harsh email you wrote. Tell him youi've gone over the scenario in your head, and can see how opening your Inbox to read a harsh email from a women you're trying to get to know better is hard.......and you know that now, but you wrote that email out of frustration before. If you tell him you really do understand how he might have felt then.......that might say something about you to him. That'll let him know you're an empathetic person...and that you're learning from what you did before, and want to try things again, and maybe this time around you'll be better at communicating with him. Maybe..that'll giv eyou the 'edge' over other girls he might be dating, cos a lot of people are not empathic individuals. Let me know how it goes......I'm at the cusp of writing an email...but I think after reading this...I'll hold off, and just hope that things move in the right direction!!!!!!!
Recommended Posts