Chauvinist boyfriend

[adversity]

I thought everyone on here could use a quick laugh. I would laugh too, if it wasn't so painful ...

 

This is the 'break-up' letter I got from my boyfriend - haven't had time to post this, but I think it's really funny. It's been three weeks since we broke up - met him yesterday and he told me it wasn't because of what I am, but what I'm not - a small town malaysian girl (for people who aren't familiar with Asia, substitute for small town malaysian girl, vietnamese mail order bride - you get the drift) with a shy and retiring demeanour.

 

___________________________________________

Thanks for bearing with me, and for allowing me to reply in

writing.

 

Apart from having been extremely busy, I have been rather ill from food

poisoning (so the dr diagnosed this morning), with toilet sessions at

least

5 times a day (to which you would say I'm so full of ****). Am on medical leave tdy,

but I can't go home as yet, cos there's some other work to do.

Anyway, coming back to the point. I have been wanting to tell you what

I really feel about you. Over the last couple of mths, you have been a

great source of support for me, and it has also become clear that you are one

of a few persons who can accept and even like me for the way I am. Your

constant willingness to accommodate me and your concern for me will be traits

which I will be hard pressed to find in any other gal. However, I have, of

late, been feeling the need to re-consider where this r'ship is heading,

because I often do not feel happy, and I have witnessed that you have been rather

unhappy as well. It is indeed odd because I am constantly on the

receiving end of your efforts and concerns. I then ask myself why, and I have

narrowed the reasons down to the following: -

 

1. As you pointed out yesterday night, I may not have gotten over

dinosaur (he calls his ex gf that). While there may be some truth to that, a more accurate statement would

be that since the dinosaur incident, I have formed a view of the type of

gal that I would like to be with. This, as you will recall, was one of the

problems we faced at the very outset before we embarked on this r'ship.

I subsequently decided that notwithstanding this conception, I would

attempt a r'ship with a person who is totally different from what I had in mind.

However, as time has shown, I have now a fixed notion of the kinda gal I am

looking for, and the absence of such a candidate was the reason behind

my singlehood for more than a year, until I met you.

 

2. Maybe I am more MCP (or perhaps selfish, as you say) than anyone

could imagine. I really, honestly, do just want to be with a gal who listens

to me and who goes along with me wherever I go (like a little lamb) while I

do whatever I like. She would sit by the pool while I swim. She would pass

me my towel when I get up. She would come along with my friends when I

have a old friends' outing, and she would ask for my permission when she wants

a gals' nite out.

 

Maybe this disposition of mine would lead me to a Vietnamese mail order

bride or something, but it's one thing which I am not just about to

change. I think this is one of the main reasons why you have been feeling very

upset with me. The effects on you are probably magnified by the fact that you

are very headstrong in character, have very strong views about things in

general, about where to go and what to do. On the other hand, I am

affixed with the idea of a clueless lass bobbing in my wake, who would wash my

plates after dinner, and who gets up to walk along with me once I take

a first step, without having me to ask. It's this sort of gal whom I

think I'd fall in love with. Perhaps it's my upbringing, perhaps it's just my

selfish nature wanting to do as I like since I was stifled and was never

allowed to do so when I was young. Perhaps it's because my parents dictated

whatever I had to do, what I could not do, and now that I have done what they

wanted me to do, it's time for me to do the same, and no one's gonna stand in the

way. There will, of course, be those who don't wish to aid in this

exercise, and I respect their wishes. But even such people ought not to stand in

way of my efforts to do what I like to do.

 

3. It's like a story I once told you. When I was young, I was not given

money. I wanted to eat the nice roast chicken wings which the auntie at

the stall at my pri sch used to sell. Now, I can't eat them anymore, cos

she no longer sells them at Serangoon Garden South Pri School. So now, in my

adult life, with my own financial independence, the experience translates to

me wanting to do as I like with regard to food.

 

Same thing for other activities. If I want to watch TV, with the

special someone cuddled in my arms and her arms snuggly fitted at ONE place,

she should not stop me, and she should not move her hands around. If I want to

watch a horror movie, she should not stop me either.

 

If the special someone respectfully requests that I should not watch

the horror movie, I will not watch the horror movie and change to something

else. But if I am thereafter not allowed to watch that something else

in peace, and if, instead of being snuggly hugged, she decides to prod and

poke, I blow up.

 

When I was young, I was beaten badly, with belts, canes and bare

hands.I was subjected to verbal abuse, and humiliation in the presence of my

younger siblings.I always felt victimised, and sometimes, your accusatory tones

(which I know you don't really mean), and your prodding queries sometimes

gets me very uptight.

 

4. At the end of the day, I think the problems we have been facing are

caused by the fact that we have more differences than similarities.

Perhaps putting an end to this r'ship could mean setting me on track for a life

of loneliness and solittude, since it really does appear that I'm a

rotten/ self centred character whom no gal would want. But I believe that

since I am as such, and it has caused you a significant sense of insecurity, it

will not be appropriate for us to hang on to this r'ship any longer.

 

I am genuinely grateful for the times we shared, the moments we spent

and the care and concern you have shown to me. Not many more people would

ever, in the course of my journey in this life, shower me with such genuine

concern. I know that you may hate me after this episode. While I don't

understand the feeling of "hatred", given that I am of "neutral"

character, i can't blame you for hating me, since it was I who decided to give a

try at the r'ship, and I can only hope that you'd forgive me one day.

 

________________________

 

Anyway, as a bit of background, we broke up because when we were in bed, I poked him. Yes, poked his shoulder with my finger. However, instead of looking at me with loving exasperation, he yelled, will you let me watch the ****ing TV? so of course, i walk out. he doesn't bother calling me for two days, and then when i call him, he regales me with a version of the above, i.e. 'Maybe I just want a brainless girl who will do everything i want her to do yada yada yada yada and WHEN I ASK HER WHETHER SHE WILL STAY AT HOME AND TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS, SHE WILL SAY, YES - I WANT TO BE A CAREGIVER.'

 

He asked me that question about whether if i had kids, would i stay home and take care of them, OVER LUNCHTIME. Of course, I had no clue he was serious, and even if I were being serious, my answer right now would be no. For crying out loud, I've just finished 6 years of lawschool, including postgrad and just started working. Now is not the right time to be asking that kind of question. And he's a lawyer too. He said he asked me that question coz my hours were worse than his and he didn't want to go home to an empty house when he got married, but who doesn't work hard when they are first starting?

 

It's been 3 weeks since we broke up, and he claims he feels nothing for me anymore, bar liking me as a friend. It's sort of cheapening to our relationship, I think, especially since he is hot in pursuit of the mindless meek girls that he likes so much. Of course, since he views me as 'unshapeable' to his criteria and girls my age as unshapeable, he's targeting the 21 year olds. (I'm 25 and he's 27) He wants to be friends, but how are we to be friends when he pulls this sort of s***? Besides, I have to be honest with myself - I still like him.

 

I miss him though. He was definitely comfortable to be with - although he says that being with me made him realise he just wanted a mindless girl he could speak pidgin Chinese too, and not perfect english all the time. Not that I can't speak Chinese - my chinese is better than his - but he wants a girl who can speak PIDGIN chinese, in a baby like manner. His mother thinks it's a pity we broke up, because as she told his sister, there won't be many people who will be able to tolerate him and she liked me a lot coz I was genuine. It's actually her fault because she completely spoiled him and now he just takes his family for granted. Even his sister emailed me when we first met, to tell me she really liked me and i really shouldn't go out with her brother. I should've listened to her.

 

I just wonder, how in the world he managed to suddenly get over our relationship so fast. Maybe I was dreaming, and it really wasn't as nice as I thought it was. In any event, my question is, should I continue speaking to him? Or should I just ignore him? My friends have read this email, and think he is a freak. But maybe he's really the strong one, who knows what he wants and is doing the right, albeit difficult, thing.

 

To me the only redeeming factor about him which I can think of is the fact that he is trying to be my friend, but I don't know why he is bothering since we only knew each other for about a week before we started dating. We were going out for about 3 months before the poking incident. All I know is that everytime he messages me, he's complaining about his work or whining about something bad happening in his life. Never just to say hi. He said to me yesterday that no one ever has anything good to say about him. I thought about it, and I couldn't think of a single thing, given his selfish behaviour so far. He thinks he makes a much better friend than a boyfriend - however, I don't see how you would be nice to your friends and not to the people closest to you. What d'you think?

 

dammit, I still like him. but i can't reconcile to being all that he wants. not that i am a raving feminist, but it's just ludicrous. How do you fall in love with a lamb that bobs in your wake? In fact, how do you find a lamb sexually attractive? This is all beyond me.

[moimeme]

I miss him though. He was definitely comfortable to be with

 

Are you totally out of your mind? Sorry to be direct but did you pay *any* attention to what he wrote?

 

 

I really, honestly, do just want to be with a gal who listens

to me and who goes along with me wherever I go (like a little lamb) while I

do whatever I like. She would sit by the pool while I swim. She would pass

me my towel when I get up. She would come along with my friends when I

have a old friends' outing, and she would ask for my permission when she wants

a gals' nite out.

 

This man has BIG BIG BIG problems!!!! This is a controller and abuser!!!!! He has told you clearly that all he wants is a slave. You have a law degree!!!!! How ever could you even think for a nanosecond that this guy is worth hanging on to??????

 

because as she told his sister, there won't be many people who will be able to tolerate him

 

No kidding!!!!!! He's immature, messed up, and an inch away from beating women who don't do exactly what he wants. For heavens' sakes, girl!!!!! Flee, forget him, and never, ever, EVER take up with a man like that again!!!!

 

[dasani08810]

So moimeme; tell us how you really feel. :-) That was excellent! This guy needs to move to a 3rd world country where slavery is legal. LOL

[sportsloving]

Personally, I think you should get a medal for sticking with him for three months!

 

He is selfish, immature, and conceited! He is going to be very disappointed in life when he finds that women actually do have brains and are capable/willing to use them.

 

Best for you to write this one off, don't contact him, don't talk to him, and for heaven's sake ..... do NOT date him again.

 

Best wishes for you

[adversity]

wahahahahaha

 

it is a great letter, isn't it? Makes me laugh when i read it... I really do think it is painfully funny.

 

I guess the problem for him was because I WASN'T like that. I complained when i felt he wasn't taking my wishes into account - which probably meant I complained a lot of the time! Actually no, coz we both work very long hours, and most of the time we just went for lunch and dinner and then back to work. Even on weekends, we'd stay in but we would both be working. We work in the same law firm, you see - except in different departments. Thank god it's a big law firm, so I don't have to see him since we're on different floors. But i did feel i wasn't getting enough attention from him, how could i have gotten any when he expects everyone to be at his beck and call. I mean, his mom leaves him a hot drink on his table for when he comes home from work, and he calls home to tell them when to expect him so she can cook. He has never ever washed his own dishes, and the one thing he feels really aggrieved about is that I made him wash his once by having a little 'tantrum' in front of his mom, i.e. 'i don't care i want you to wash the dishes'.

 

But how could anyone have children with him? I mean, the kid would be at knee level poking his leg going Daddy daddy i want some attention and he'd probably kick the rugrat.

 

I know he sounds like an abuser and stuff with that letter, but actually he's not like that. He's quite soft, and repressed. I think he is very confused though. And I can't stand the whining... i mean, get over the childhood issues already, you're nearly frickin 28.

 

So i guess no one thinks he's worth having as a friend.... Pity his head is so screwed up. I didn't know he was going to have so many issues - i thought he was just a typical asian guy. I mean, you wouldn't expect a fellow lawyer to have that many issues.

[adversity]

erm... sorry, not that lawyers don't have issues, but we are supposed to be able to rationalise things and be objective, I mean, isn't that the whole object of law school? heh, i didn't mean to imply that lawyers are abnormal/superior/whatever!

[dudesomewhere]

I am more interested in your bg...for example. Your english, at least typed is rather good. You are in singapore? Hmm...my thoughts now ramble on about all the possibilities...asian american who resides in singapore? Asian who grew up or schooled in say...the UK and now lives there? Or maybe just very well schooled in an Asian academic institution to have such good English.

 

ahh, yes I am that weird

[moimeme]

his mom leaves him a hot drink on his table for when he comes home from work, and he calls home to tell them when to expect him so she can cook. He has never ever washed his own dishes, and the one thing he feels really aggrieved about is that I made him wash his once by having a little 'tantrum' in front of his mom, i.e. 'i don't care i want you to wash the dishes'

 

Ugh. Women like that should be jailed She's created a monster. Her reward for that will be that he'll live with her forever because no gal with even one functioning brain cell will treat him like Mommy does.

 

we are supposed to be able to rationalise things and be objective, I mean, isn't that the whole object of law school?

 

That was my thought, which is why I couldn't figure why you'd even consider hanging on to this goof! I can see how you didn't realize how messed up he was, though. It takes time to find out what sort of things lurk beneath the surface of people.

[adversity]

re: background

 

yeap, asian, but did undergrad and postgrad in the UK. you'd be surprised, most singaporeans have very good english. we are, after all, an english speakin nation, albeit some have strange accents.

 

re: lawyer

 

yeah, but i guess what i can't really understand is how you can go from liking someone one moment to not liking her because she poked you!!! where's his sense of humor? obviously non-existent. you have to understand, he is typical asian, born and bred and graduated in singapore. he likes sweet meek chinese girls, that act really cutesy in a sickeningly sweet manner and will look up to him. the kind of sweet i will never be because it makes my hair stand on end.

 

I do agree his mom has created a monster. I guess i never got to feel the brunt of his control - he never tried to control me, because as he said, i was 'unshapeable' (he told me this after the breakup) - i think he knew, especially me being educated abroad, that there were some things that he wanted that would be total dealbreakers. then again, he wouldn't have had the chance to exercise such control, for example, wanting me to ask his permission if i wanted a gal's night out, because when we were together, i was lucky if i could see him twice a week outside of having one hour lunches and half an hour dinners, and even then, it was only at about 11 pm at night. i didn't really get to go out.

 

 

plus, all this angst all only came out in email - not while we were going out. i did know he had issues with me being FIERCE, but then again, I think his definition of 'fierce' is 'not doormat' so I'm not too bothered about that.

 

still, great laugh. i guess i was just feeling nostalgic, you know, it's nice having somewhere to go to at 11 pm so that you can crash out like a light, and having someone who understands the work stress and the hours (such that they won't feel insulted when you crash), and who can speak legalese. that's what i meant by comfortable. but the email just leaves people speechless. i don't want to give people the wrong impression, i mean, chinese men are quite traditional here, but this is just not on. He is a throwback to god knows which dynasty 1000 BC.

 

__________

Adversity: What does not kill me merely postpones the inevitable

[adversity]

By the way, I am interested as to what people think of his break-up email, especially guys. Besides the fact that it is riproaringly funny, of course. =)

[dasani08810]

Well, from a guys point of view:

 

If one of my friends were to tell me that's what he wanted in a woman, I would try to help him by grabbing the back of his head by the hair and pulling the rest of his head back out of his asss!!! LOL

 

I like mental stimulation. I could never respect that type of woman; but, that's me. Maybe some guys do go for that kind of thing; but, I'm thinking WHY? I want a woman with intelligence, spunk, and drive. Reason being, is that I believe a relationship is not only about love and companionship; but also about checks and balances. I want someone that will speak up and not be afraid to say "Danny your being STUPID, knock it off".

 

And the "permission thing" Holy SHIIT!!!!!

 

The guy is a nutcase!!! JMHO! LOL

[miz_barby]

How can someone so educated be so darn ignorant??? FUNNY???

 

 

THIS MAN IS ILL SICK IN THE HEAD AND A HIGH CHANCE OF BECOMING A WIFE MURDERER BASED ON HIS BASIC PROILE!!

 

Do you not see his controlling, abusing, twisted way of thinking? Good thing he dumped your ass before you became his "victim" he would "blow up" at someone MOVING THEIR OWN HANDS from where HE puts them and not letting him watch what he wants when he wants, imagine what he would do if you made him mad about something SERIOUS!! He would probably explode and end up beating you to death! He's sick and obviously can't handle a challenge from a woman, he doesn't deserve to be with anyone, sounds like he wants a child like bride who he can make into what he thinks he wants her to be, someone who's so dumb or low self esteemed that she won't want to think for herself!

 

I'm sorry but he's sick and if you can't see that well.....Good luck! I say run far away from him because he'll never change and you should be loved for who you are and not be expected to "change" into some stero-type body without her own mind! He's twisted, move on, make a good living, and find a NORMAL thinking type of man.

 

Obviously he's not out from under his Mom's thumb yet if she still does all those things for him, sad and sick period!

[moimeme]

he would "blow up" at someone MOVING THEIR OWN HANDS from where HE puts them

 

Exactly. This isn't even close to funny. It's sick, really. Really, really sick. As in one day you or one of your colleagues will be defending him on a murder charge. You should tell him to get help because he's not well.

[adversity]

Well, I would put it to everyone that some things should not be dignified feeling any extremity of emotion towards them. Such as this - best to just laugh it off, because really, it is ludicrous. Why feel indignation, or that it is a serious matter? Does it affect me or my life? Not really - I mean, it's his life to be honest. He can choose to live it how he wants. and you'd be surprised - it's not difficult to find a girl in this part of the world who will put up with it. Interesting to see how the other half live, isn't it?

 

Best just to keep a level head, and realise that it's not me that has the problem! As long as I'm not the one with the problem, why should I be affected by it?

 

I suppose that if his issues were any less serious, then I might take it more seriously, and it might affect me more - you know what i mean, borderline cases where you can't really say that they have issues? but this is a clear-cut case, so....

 

Bumped into him in the lobby earlier, he said good luck for my case and i just ignored him with a smile. Everytime I see him, I can't help but want to laugh now. =) But I must say, thanks to everyone for feeling that he is a sick man on my behalf =)

[moimeme]

It's a little harder to find funny if you've lived with a man who thought that way and had to leave for fear of your own safety.

[adversity]

P.S. I must say he doesn't express himself very well - but to clarify the 'move hands, he blows up' part, he meant that if I was poking him, and he took the hand that was poking him and put it somewhere else and held it tightly, if i then removed it and started poking him again, he would blow up.

 

Which is essentially what happened. But I don't think it makes much of a difference, the point being, you don't blow up at people who poke you affectionately.

[adversity]

You know, that's the odd thing - chinese guys do think that way, especially in my dad's generation, but you don't actually have to leave for your safety - i guess it's the check and balance system in Confucian values, i.e. you can be as chauvinistic as you want in your thinking but you have to be responsible and take care of your family at the end of the day.

[amerikajin]

I think moimeme's spot on. His abuse has left him with a warped view of women and relationships between the sexes. You should be glad that you're not having to deal with that anymore.

 

I think the letter shows that he's a man who is deeply troubled. On one level I think he knows that his attitudes are wrong, but he chooses not to do anything to change them. For him, it's easier to change the women in his life to suit his attitudes than it is to change his attitudes to suit his women. Look at his attitudes and ask yourself if that's the kind of man you are looking for. Look at the kind of women he's looking for and ask yourself if you're that kind of women. Of course not.

[adversity]

Ah don't think it's his abuse that has left him with a warped view of women - he wasn't abused any more than the rest of us was.

 

It's more how his mother has treated him like a god, and endured his taking her for granted. My mother says that that is why she insists that my brother at least makes an attempt to wash his own plates - so he doesn't get it into his head that women are there to serve him. =)