Makes my blood boil...

[an6el]

Ok, I need to let out some steam. And I know it's personal stuff I'm telling here but I really need to let out some of this anger I'm holding in.

 

So the story:

I'm married, for over a year now. This marriage has it's ups and downs.

His mom is Bi-Polar but she lives in NY

 

We've been getting into ridiculous arguments and I mean really ridiculous.

One of the argument was about someone that happened in march. It's the end of June now.

 

So the situation was about his ex. The story: so let's call her B and my hubby's name is A. They have a son together his name will be C. (for child)

 

Well in March when I went to pick him up for our every other weekend visitations, C said his older brother bit his Pee Pee (C's older brother has a different father) So we didn't know what to do, next day DFCS took over. And on a Tuesday they said he could go back to B's house. C was with me. She came looking for him. But I told her she couldn't but if she wants him then she needs to talk to A not me. well we got into a huge arguement. When they were dating (A and B) she was cheating on him the whole time, until he found out, she was prego (pregnant) so during the arguing. I stated to her that 'she is such a sl*t that she didn't even know who the real dad for C was. Instead she just chose the one with the most money.'

 

This phrase still hurts my hubby (A) to this day. I told him it was a while ago and it was the heat of the moment. Then he goes off saying I'm not better than her. Then I tell him. Before we started dating, I stated the fact that I just wanted to be friends with benefits (I just got out of a relationship, so I wasn't ready) So I don't know what his problem was, when I told him straight. I know he wanted more. But I wasn't ready. With that said. He said I was worse than her. And I mentioned "Why are you always comparing me and B?" "And why are you backing her up?" It seems that every time we get into argument abouts her. He comes up with excuses. And it seems at times he still misses her. But he always says he's over her and blah blah.

 

So we argued about that. But it was weird how it started. that morning we woke up took a shower together and everything was fine, He got out first then I followed. As soon as I stepped out, that's when he gave me the silent treatment all day until lunch time. I had to squeeze it out of him. I didn't know what was bothering him. I thought I did something wrong. I thought he thinks I'm cheating on him (Which I am not). I told him there's no one else. Just him. I made that promise when we got married. But he still thinks I'll probably find someone else...

 

I'm 24 and he's 37 but to me age is just a number.

 

So that is one. The next argument is today. Everything is fine. Until a few minutes ago. I don't know why. He gets into these moods where I don't know how he gets to it. But I know when he's in them. So I just booked a hotel in NC for us. Literally 2 minutes later he says Take the money out of the safe for you. And I asked why. He said he will be sleeping at his friend's Aunts house on the couch. (Awkward) So I asked what's wrong. Because we are picking up my grandma while we were there as well. So now it seems like he wants nothing to do with me. Which came out of the blue.

 

So I asked him what's wrong he said "nothing" then I asked why is he mad "I'm not mad" I replied "I know when you're mad, you start to shut down" he replied it's nothing. So with that said, Everytime when I ask him what's wrong or why is he mad, He's always mad, my guess is ALWAYS right.

 

At times it makes me feel like he doesn't want this marriage to work. He even told me to do some changing for him. WTF you accepted me for me. So I told him fine I'll change but you will have to too...

 

I don't like that whole "changing" idea. Now he's going to a bar with his co-worker for his Birthday today after work. But the think is he doesn't really drink beer.

 

I know I'm breaking down now... and I don't like it. I feel like my life is so fu*ked up at times...

 

but these are a few arguments... another one is, we had plans to go to downtown but he took a nap for 2 hours and it was about 7. So he told me to decide what to do. So I asked him "would you like to go to Blah" he just said "up to you" and I told him "I'd like an input too" so that went on until 9. So then I said fine let's go then. He looked at the time. Got upset and we started arguing then. He said I was stupid for not being able to make one decision. And I told him I asked him if he wanted to do stuff. I just needed a yes or no. then I can narrow my selection down. Then we left that night for a while I went some where to cry alone. then at 11 he wanted to meet me for dinner at chili's the whole time I was quiet (I didn't know what to say to him) So I drunk 2 glasses of alcohol. Remember I'm under 100 lbs so I was on my face. I drove home that night. we both went straight to bed.

 

I asked him. Why are we arguing about some thing so stupid. And all the arguments are about the same. STUPID! He said I don't think blah blah and I do thinks to hurt him.

 

Why am I being the mature one or am I at all... *sigh*

[luvinthesun]

Im not really sure what is going on...but

 

1. He should be picking up his own child. For whatever reason he needs to get there and make the time. I know I wouldnt want to be around a child that got bit in the pee pee and be looked at weird about it.

 

2. Don;t discuss the ex with him and don't let him discuss the ex with you

 

3. I dont understand why he is going out to the vbar with buds after work- I would meet up with him.

 

4. Plan a date once a week and stick with it . If he doesnt go- go yourself.

 

HTHS

[an6el]

I know my life is a jumbo... he can't make it cuz he works too far, and since I'm here I can pick him up. And I haven't even brought up his ex once, unless it was about his son. And I would but he's one of those guys who if he says don't go and if you go, he'll through a fit...

 

He's like a girl at times

 

We were going to stick with the plans but it got too late and he didn't say he really wanted to go since he usually cancels plans at the last minute

[reboot]

There isn't a thing wrong with you picking up your stepson. Nor is there anything wrong with the two of you discussing his ex. Since there's a child, she's part of your life as well as his.

[luvinthesun]

I didn't say there is anything wrong with picking up child...but if ur fighting in front of child that isn't good...and ur husband ...imo should have stepped up and picked up child.

 

I also feel that way since husband is putting u down. If u are so bad I'd imagine he would want to make other arrangements.

 

Plus the pee pee situation.

 

If dad can't pick.up because of work or travel... He needs to talk with boss or get his orde ammended to change time it travel..

 

I mean, I just wouldn't appeciate him putting me down when I am trying to be helpful...hate that.

 

I used to drive my step Don to summer school. I had helped hom pass two classes but by time I came in his life...even if he got all the points thru end year...still woild have failed. My stepson used to complain during the drive about how I was too slow..fast...bad driver. Ok..then do it yourself ...and hoof it. Hths.

[Quiet Storm]

IMO, your husband is passive aggressive and conflict avoidant.

 

He obviously has things on his mind, but he doesn't like confrontation or discussing his feelings, so he pushes them down.

 

He is blaming you for whatever (he won't tell) and is punishing you by giving you the silent treatment, withholding affection and doing things that he knows will make you mad.

 

Marriage counseling would help you two, but he has to want to make this better. It won't work if he feels forced to go.

 

This probably has nothing to do with you. He has his own issues, and has no idea how to cope with them. Since you are in close proximity, you take the brunt of his unhappiness, but that does not mean you are to blame.

 

Avoiding confrontation and trying to make nice will only reinforce his behavior. Be direct with him. Tell him that this is not acceptable to you. We teach people how to treat us, and being too accommodating will only prolong this.

 

Good luck.

[an6el]

IMO, your husband is passive aggressive and conflict avoidant.

 

He obviously has things on his mind, but he doesn't like confrontation or discussing his feelings, so he pushes them down.

 

He is blaming you for whatever (he won't tell) and is punishing you by giving you the silent treatment, withholding affection and doing things that he knows will make you mad.

 

Marriage counseling would help you two, but he has to want to make this better. It won't work if he feels forced to go.

 

This probably has nothing to do with you. He has his own issues, and has no idea how to cope with them. Since you are in close proximity, you take the brunt of his unhappiness, but that does not mean you are to blame.

 

Avoiding confrontation and trying to make nice will only reinforce his behavior. Be direct with him. Tell him that this is not acceptable to you. We teach people how to treat us, and being too accommodating will only prolong this.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks. I've tried telling him if I done something wrong then to tell me then and there not to bottle it up in side and then text me the problem 5 hours later. By then I don't know what I have done. He's mentioned that I had mental problems, that I needed some counselling... which I thought was lame, I talked to a friend and he said I was fine... *sigh*

 

Everytime we argue it's through text, then it gets verbal. I've told him every time we argue to tell me what did I do wrong not 5 hours later.

 

He does blame me for everything... every argument it's my fault. I know he's stubborn and he doesn't like to admit he's wrong, but at times it just pushes me away...