PuntserVA Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Just a random thought... what do people think is the ratio of BS to WS for posters in this forum? I'm not counting the lurkers. It seems to me that active post/replies are by large majorities from folks who are BS's, maybe 2/3-1/3 or more. I base this on three or four weeks of reading posts. Agree or disagree? If disagree, what do you think the percentage is?
Snowflower Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Well golly, it is the infidelity forum after all...so it makes sense that there would be a dis(?)proportionate number of betrayed spouses here. I didn't think that was a problem, per se. I wish more WS would post and I think more do post here in infidelity than in the past.
drifter777 Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 It feels to me like the BS-WS ration is more like 10-1. WS's only seem to post here when they are still cheating or recently after D-day when they ask things like "why won't my BS just get over it". For these reasons, WS's are savaged on this forum.
reboot Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Always has been way more BS than WS. The same holds true in the OM/OW forum. Not many MM/MW post there. 1
Spark1111 Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Hmmm.....it makes sense that more BS post than WS. It usually takes a BS longer to get over the betrayal than it does the WS to get over the affair. That's fairly typical. I think we have more women than men and that makes sense too. Women are VERY relationship oriented and we love to talk and learn about relationships, especially about how to improve them. That makes sense too as we are the nuturers of the clan and devote a tremendous amount energy to familial and romantic relationships. Another truth? Cliche? Men are very goal oriented, yet able to more easily compartmentalize sex from love, or love from legacy. They move on to the next goal, whether it be divorce, reconciliation, or more varied partners who will not affect their cave, clan or cheese. They make a decision and that is it. Maybe BS and OW are more introspective and communicative of the pain they do feel? 1
ageofaquarius Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 It feels to me like the BS-WS ration is more like 10-1. WS's only seem to post here when they are still cheating or recently after D-day when they ask things like "why won't my BS just get over it". For these reasons, WS's are savaged on this forum. And this savaging is precisely why, as a fWS, I only lurked on this forum. However, now that I have had a failed attempt at reconciliation and then went through a D with as much dignity as possible--so my xH could move on with his life (that is the least he deserved), I would like to post more in this forum so that perhaps I could help BS in their journey of how to deal with their WS's. 3
Author PuntserVA Posted June 29, 2012 Author Posted June 29, 2012 And this savaging is precisely why, as a fWS, I only lurked on this forum. However, now that I have had a failed attempt at reconciliation and then went through a D with as much dignity as possible--so my xH could move on with his life (that is the least he deserved), I would like to post more in this forum so that perhaps I could help BS in their journey of how to deal with their WS's. What about helping other WS's in their journeys?
thomasb Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Just a random thought... what do people think is the ratio of BS to WS for posters in this forum? I'm not counting the lurkers. It seems to me that active post/replies are by large majorities from folks who are BS's, maybe 2/3-1/3 or more. I base this on three or four weeks of reading posts. Agree or disagree? If disagree, what do you think the percentage is? If you want ra ras go to the OW forum. Unless of course you are a remorseful WS... then you will be savaged there. Way beyond anything I have ever seen here! 1
anne1707 Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 It feels to me like the BS-WS ration is more like 10-1. WS's only seem to post here when they are still cheating or recently after D-day when they ask things like "why won't my BS just get over it". Not entirely true There are some fWS like myself and Thomas who are here long after dday, successfully reconciled and want to help others who find themselves in pain because of an affair (whichever side of the triangle) For these reasons, WS's are savaged on this forum And he and I both probably get attacked more by OW/OM than we do BS because we actually wanted to stay with our respective spouses who we love and that the AP was not what we wanted. 2
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 There's no safe place for WSs here. That's the reason I recommended Bellechica go over to the SurvivingInfidelity website. They have a WS forum where BSs can be denied access to a thread. I do see a lot of WS here though, they only show up on certain threads...before the BSs come in and takeover anyway ^^
96nole Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 More BS's are going to be looking for forums or any other type of online help such as this site than any WS's will. The WS has had time to process their actions in whatever form or justification they need. The BS then gets a bomb dropped on them. Very few WS's think they need help at first and don't go looking for it. Also if you look, you'll see there are BS's that have either moved on or have reconciled as well. But continue posting to help the newly betrayed. The hurt and pain of the betrayal never completely goes away. The scar is burned in. Thus we are all supporting ourselves and each other from the trauma we have all experienced. Obviously the WS's on this board will be savaged at first. But those that own up to their actions and see and understand the pain it caused will be accepted here. Their input will be appreciated and helpful. But God help any WS that comes on this board with cavalier and uncaring attitude about what they did to someone. They will face an angry mob that's carrying torches and pitchforks. 2
Steadfast Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 And this savaging is precisely why, as a fWS, I only lurked on this forum. However, now that I have had a failed attempt at reconciliation and then went through a D with as much dignity as possible--so my xH could move on with his life (that is the least he deserved), I would like to post more in this forum so that perhaps I could help BS in their journey of how to deal with their WS's. I'd be interested in reading your story. In the past, I've found no better insight then that given by someone who lived it. You're needed here.
reboot Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 There's no safe place for WSs here. I don't think this is true at all.
thomasb Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Safe? It is an anonymous board. Not like someone is going to jump out and grab you. Infidelity is a topic that stirs some pretty intense emotions. People die because of it everyday. Want a sedate board try cooking or something.
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I don't think this is true at all. Ok maybe I should qualify. There's no place as safe as the WS board over on SI.com. Shades of grey...
Furious Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 The reason there are few WS's on this forum is because they're perfect. How do they know this, well...their OW/OM told them so. 4
96nole Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 The reason there are few WS's on this forum is because they're perfect. How do they know this, well...their OW/OM told them so. Ding Ding Ding...We have a winner!!
frozensprouts Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 there are some wayward spouses who stuck it out and now are regular posters...some post here and also in the other man/woman ( RickFoxx is one that i know of, and there are others)... I admire those who stick around and try to help others...I know it can be a rough go at first, but there is a lot we can learn from wayward spouses, and while no one can speak to exactly what goes on in the mind of another, i will say that I have learned a lot from the wayward spouses who stick around and share their stories... i do wish there were more that posted, and i thank those who do ( i say there's a lot we can learn, because as they share their stories, we can all learn of the "traps" ( poor communication, poor boundaries, a sense of complacency, etc.)that can exist in a marriage, no whether your role is betrayed or wayward spouse...while none of these excuse cheating, they may explain it, and may help prevent future heartache for someone) 1
SomedayDig Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 (edited) What about helping other WS's in their journeys? LMAO. Really? From my perspective they've kinda had a great journey all ready...getting the BS to the point of posting on an anonymous internet forum. The help I see them getting is usually over in the OM/OW section. EDIT: I would be remiss to say the likes of Thomas, Anne and Rick who are WS's have actually helped me personally with insights they have given. Edited June 29, 2012 by SomedayDig thanks
Radagast Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 If you want ra ras go to the OW forum. Unless of course you are a remorseful WS... then you will be savaged there. Way beyond anything I have ever seen here! As I understand it, from the guidelines posted, members are required to start threads in the section pertaining to their own situation. So the OW forum is for "other women" and "other men" as it is for "those who find themselves with a committed partner" while infidelity is for those who are married, whether the unfaithful spouse or the "betrayed" spouse. There are also several former unfaithful spouses around, including myself, and MoneyWorld, and HappyAtLast, who chose to leave our marriages and form new partnerships with our former affair partners.
Bittersweetie Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I am a fWS. I don't post a lot in BS threads unless I see something specific that paralells mine or my H's situation and I can offer something, or if the BS asks for WS feedback. And it tends to be with posters who are longer from d-day...I completely understand that new BS could probably care less about my opinion since I'm a WS, no matter how much work I've done on myself and toward reconciling with my H. I continue to read threads here because they teach me about what my H went through and what he felt and is feeling. We communicate regularly now, and this site is an additional avenue to learn from, reading about others' experiences. Plus if there is a WS who is genuinely looking for help, I try to do so. 3
beenburned Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Bitter, I think the posters that offer the best advise are the ones that are years past their d-day, both FWS and BS. The reason behind this is many years of introspection, hard work, and gaining information about how to cope with infidelity in a healthy way. I have always enjoyed reading other peoples points of view that were on a different side of the triangle.
stillafool Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 What about helping other WS's in their journeys? Which one are you?
GLDheart Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Ratio? I agree with the previously mentioned "10 to 1" Ratio. Why? Easy: Those in pain seek answers and find thier way here. WS = Pain Causer BS = Pain Recipient Very Few WS ever REALLY own up to it and empathise (ie. feel) the pain they caused. I'd say maybe 1 in 10 1
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