Dumpees: Post here about why it's actually for the best

[StarlaStardust]

I know you might wish they'd come back (I do). I know you miss them (I do). But... I'll start:

 

1. He used to invite me to do things, and cancel at the last minute, sometimes picking a fight first, because he couldn't afford them. He didn't have the courage to tell me within a respectable time frame or allow me the opportunity to pay for things.

2. Almost every time I was upset about something, he'd decide to get upset (crying) about something totally unrelated in his own life, essentially undermining my feelings.

3. He believed no one cared about him (issues!)

4. He smoked pot on lunch breaks with his students. One day he'll get fired/end up in jail for this (I hope not)

5. He was a little closed off, and when I'd ask him directly if he was feeling something in particular, he would often deny it, because he didn't want to look bad. This was crazy making not being able to trust what came out of his mouth

6. He lives in his ex girlfriend's basement on a twin bed. She is married now, but he made more than a few comments about how much her husband sucks. Weird?

7. He would never have me over to his house because it was a mess "due to his roommates." I think he was more likely the messy one.

8. He didn't want to go to his own brother's wedding because he didn't approve of the marriage. But there wasn't much to disapprove. He was just a judgmental prick sometimes.

9. He gave me the silent treatment a couple of times when he got upset.

10. He couldn't make decisions for himself about our relationship, and often sought advice elsewhere.

11. Now he is in total denial about having any of these issues. He attributes their surfacing to ME, which is utter BS.

12. He told me he didn't want to rush having sex, and then later revealed that he was waiting until *I* was ready. He did this sort of thing a lot, mindf*cking me, making me wonder if I had imagined our conversations where he said he did or didn't want certain things.

Edited June 28, 2012 by StarlaStardust
Formatting

[StarlaStardust]

13. On my birthday, he threw a little fit about being in a crowded Starbucks, because he felt like everyone was looking at him and judging him.

 

14. On his birthday (which is the next day), he refused to eat food. He got crankier and crankier

 

15. He just generally considers himself the victim. He is someone who has low self esteem and blames others for it, without being so bold as to come out and explicitly blame others. He lives in a world of denial.

[Gulf-Delta]

She will grow as a human being.

 

But for me, there is no upside to this.

[skyisfalling]

1. He left me at a bar by myself because we fought and he was "too drunk" to think clearly

 

2. I caught him lying on multiple occasions about his past: when he broke up with his ex, how he doesn't keep in contact with them when he did.. and always made excuses for himself.

 

3. Never had the ability to just 'let things go..' he would always nitpick over the smallest little thing and we'd fight over it.

 

4. He was so unattractive when I first met him, and I grew to find him charismatic, but looking at our pictures together, he is just soo not my type.. i could definitely do better.

 

5. Doesn't help out in the kitchen, thinks its a "woman's job" to do kitchen work, and if i ask him to do the dishes or cook, he always grumbles and groans.

 

6. He puts his friends before me, even though i'm always there for him.

 

7. I dont think he really cared about me, I always made sure to be there for him, but when it mattered to me, he wasn't there for me.

 

8. He never was a flake, that I'll admit. He always kept his promises, but he was such a horrible planner, he never wanted to schedule things in advance.. I'd always have to nag him to plan things ahead of time. UGH how i hated that.

 

9. He didn't follow through with his promise of marrying me. He was the one who so persistently pursued me and talked marriage and our future. He made me promise to him that I'll marry him because he couldn't bear the thought of living without me. A man should never be so quick to make promises, especially promises he can't keep. A man is only good as his word. If he couldn't keep his promise, he should have let me know. To me, a man who promises so easily and doesn't keep his word is the biggest tall tale sign.

 

10. He just vanished without a trace- without a goodbye, nothing. That is the ultimate dealbreaker.

Edited June 28, 2012 by skyisfalling

[Thisisbs]

1. The state of our relationship was already really bad and hard to fix

 

2. I was clingy, insecure, inconfident and pretty whipped.

 

3. She was really busy and we would struggle to find time to chill.

 

4. I learned a lot about relationships.

 

5. I learned and grew tremendously throughout the relationship and afterwards.

 

6. She did not recognize how much I cared for her and how much I did for her.

[StarlaStardust]

more:

-In hindsight, I realized some of my worst shortcomings and insecurities, and am on the path to healing them.

 

-I started going to the gym 5 days a week

 

-I am romantically completely alone for the first time in my life, and don't think I would ever be able to find a fulfilling, truly healthy relationship, without going through this alone time.

 

-While it hurts to constantly obsess and worry because he left me with absolutely no closure whatsoever and broke up with me in the most cowardly possible, at least I'm not feeling anxious about whether he is going to keep his plans with me or call me. He used to call every morning, but for some reason, I would feel terribly anxious about whether he would. In general, he didn't give off a very "permanent" vibe, probably because he was always so unsure of himself.

 

-All this alone time has given me the opportunity to show myself how much I can accomplish and how I can commit to my own goals. I am the master of my own destiny now.

[jdids247]

Simple...

 

...I was tolerating her behavior for far too long and not focusing on myself. It's funny how selfishness and immaturity can tear apart an otherwise good relationship.

 

I'm back to my old self

 

It's better because I can move forward while she was holding me back.

 

I no longer have to settle and deal with irrational thinking and behavior

 

I revolved my life around her and so did she...so she was mostly looking for HER best interests instead of ours

 

I am no longer depressed of have anxiety because of her actions

 

Towards the end, it was like she wanted to make me miserable and I became angry at the drop of a hat, just like she was to me

[StarlaStardust]

-He vaguely referred to compromise being necessary a number of times near the end, without having the balls to specifically mention any one thing as to how we could "compromise."

 

-He couldn't talk on the phone or in person, and preferred writing. Grow up, dude. How can you call yourself confident, open, and honest on your new dating profile, when you couldn't even speak with your words or handle being in a crowded coffee shop?

[Follower]

I have grown as a person

I have learned what a serious relationship is all about.

I know how to protect myself better; I will now recognize warning signs of people that may hurt me.

I wont ever allow myself to get as downtrodden as that again, never again will i have to trudge through life.

 

But with all my learning and growing and improvements there remains one fact, i still care very deeply for my ex.

[StarlaStardust]

if he comes back ready to try again and differently, I will be a much be a MUCH better girlfriend

 

if he doesn't, I will be an amazing girlfriend to someone else.

 

Really, it just lit a fire under my ass. I am becoming the person I always wanted to be, but somehow thought I couldn't be.

[skyisfalling]

if he comes back ready to try again and differently, I will be a much be a MUCH better girlfriend

 

if he doesn't, I will be an amazing girlfriend to someone else.

 

Really, it just lit a fire under my ass. I am becoming the person I always wanted to be, but somehow thought I couldn't be.

 

No, you dont want him back. He has issues. He doesn't deserve you. You deserve to be a MUCH better girlfriend to SOMEONE else.

[Gulf-Delta]

No, you dont want him back. He has issues. He doesn't deserve you. You deserve to be a MUCH better girlfriend to SOMEONE else.

 

Everyone has issues dude. That's no reason to condemn someone.

[StarlaStardust]

True!! key words: differently. like, "hey Starla, I went to therapy and I was wrong about a lot of things."

 

Don't worry; I'm not holding my breath! Just, in terms of why the breakup is for the best, it's best all around... if we are to be together one day, for example, or not!

[StarlaStardust]

Condemn is a pretty inaccurate word to use here. We're talking about not getting back together with someone who dumped me, not condemning him.

[skyisfalling]

Everyone has issues dude. That's no reason to condemn someone.

 

I'm not condemning her dude. I'm trying to watch out for her but I'm glad all of us on this forum cares.

 

im glad you're not holding your breath out for this guy. I just feel like you could do so much better with someone new. I know we all love our exes but I feel like having just an inkling of hope prevents us from moving on. Because NC is just that- moving on. Why get back with someone who hurt us so much, and try to rework all those issues, its just so much effort- effort that could be made to someone else. Gosh, I feel myself becoming so bitter... Is this normal?

 

Have you registered on the dating websites? I say you try it. I signed up yesterday and I must say, narrowing down the age definitely gives you a better selection

[StarlaStardust]

Yes, it is so nice how everyone on this forum cares:) I feel the love always here

[StarlaStardust]

Have you registered on the dating websites? I say you try it. I signed up yesterday and I must say, narrowing down the age definitely gives you a better selection

 

I will, when I'm ready to date! For now I am really committed to figuring some big stuff out alone. Both my parents abandoned me and I emancipated at a very early age, and I have the last of some major issues to figure out. I actually handle things quite well, but I know there is even bigger peace and happiness waiting for me. No more turning to men in my loneliness. I get too scared of being alone and it clouds my judgment with them.

 

I feel excited about your new adventure in online dating and can't wait to hear more about it!

[DMS]

1) She claimed she had been unhappy for 2 years yet moved to an apartment with me from the house we shared 6 mos before she left me. So either she was a glutton for punishment or she was lying. Either way not something I have time for.

 

2) I was working 2 full time jobs I hated just to make ends meet and save for an engagement ring while she worked 4 days a week yet when I came home on top of being miserable because I hated my jobs she would have a list of things for me to do that she could have done but was too lazy to. She would say " I hate asking you for things because you get frustrated" and then proceed to ask me for things because she didn't want to get up from the computer.

 

3) I was miserable because of work and she thought it was because of her ( one of her reasons for ending it ). Why? Because she spent more time talking to her friends in her online games than she did to me so our communication was not the best and we were both guilty of that.

 

4) She said the sex was no good. Fair enough she was my first. But she said that she couldn't tell me what I was doing wrong or how to fix it. ( Her other reason for leaving ) I was quickly down to once a month and that's where I was most of the time ( to be fair part was due to her having a stomach illness that made it painful for her so I appreciated that she was willing to do even that but she eventually got cured but I was still there. ) Except for one dry spell of 6 months so hard to get decent at anything with that irregularity.

Edited June 29, 2012 by DMS

[Mr Scorpio]

Because she worked incredibly hard to get where she is, and if she had stuck with me, she would have been stuck waiting three years at least before her goals of having a family and traveling would have been possible. I would have dragged her down.

[StarlaStardust]

Because she worked incredibly hard to get where she is, and if she had stuck with me, she would have been stuck waiting three years at least before her goals of having a family and traveling would have been possible. I would have dragged her down.

 

Aw, I feel sad reading this. I guess I meant why it's the best for YOU!! Not her, haha.

 

I noticed myself putting pressure on my recent ex about wanting to start a family and travel. I think he knew we would have had to wait at least 3 years or so, too, because I worked so hard to get to where I was and he was just starting to catch up. And now that we're not together, I'll end up waiting as long, very likely! So another good thing that happened from the breakup is I learned where I personally ought to be drawing the line for tangibles... to be a bit more flexible with life's plans for me.

[CopingGal]

I'm the dumper, officially, but I will state why it's actually for the best. I wrote about the pros and cons of him in another thread. But this one is more specific and gives lots of examples

 

 

1-Left me for his ex girlfriend after only one date.

 

2-We became friends then got back together. I didn't know if at the time, but we became friends so he could line me up when he ex dumped him which she did on a regular basis.

 

3-Left me on a dark and deserted night. Ran off to be with his car that was under a street light at a distance.

 

4-Put very, very little effort into seeing me and in the relationship. Lied to be over and over again about why he couldn't see me. He finally confessed the lies to me after he told me he cheated on me.

 

5-Very impulsive, I spent most of the relationship "waiting for the other shoe to drop"

 

6-When I injured my arm in the mall and I had to go to get medicine. He didn't offer to go to the grocery store with me. He just stayed in the stamp store, staring at stamps. I had to ASK him to go with me.

 

7-Boundry issues

 

8-Using his autistic sons in his lies so that he could cheat on me.

 

9-Didn't want me any more but made me think he did so that he could use me as back up if the woman he was cheating with dumped him.

 

10-Stood me up many times because he car was not working. Would not answer the phone during this time and made me weight about 9 hours until he felt like calling to explain

 

11-Sold his blood on a semi-regular basis without telling me

 

12-had legal trouble, trouble in which he never explained in detail

 

13-used me, manipulated me, and made a fool out of me. Made excuses throughout the relationship for his bad behavior. I got on myself for misjudging him all the time. Turns out, the excuses were really just lies.

 

14-Lied in couple's therapy. Didn't take the 2nd therapist we saw seriously.

 

15-stopped calling me. Stopped taking my phone calls. Stopped taking me out for dates and only took me to therapy and to hang out that day after therapy

 

16-tried to make me feel as if I was being too clingy and unreasonable when he couldn't see me when all the while he was cheating on me

 

17-hidden facebook page that made him look single. No recognition of me on facebook. Lied over and over again about facebook. STarted talking with his ex on facebook and saw her in his city but lead me to believe she was still out of town

 

18-flaunted other women after me on facebook. Always treated me like I was his dirty little secret. I saw his son once in 3 years and never met one...not one of his friends

 

19-didn't celebrate 2 out of 3 of my birthdays

 

20-aloof and cold at times

 

21-was a whore in the relationship

 

22-demanded friendship from me even though I was trying to heal. Forced me to have a talk with the police

 

23-thought the pain he caused me was funny

 

24-To this day thinks he did nothing wrong

 

25-Told he is a good person and a martyr

Edited June 29, 2012 by CopingGal

[StarlaStardust]

Thanks for sharing, CopingGal!

[bella16]

I was also the Dumper- but still I had to leave this man, he was not good for me at all.

 

1. He was very insecure and always accusing me of having "other boyfriends"

 

2. I never heard from him during the week- talk about WEIRD! Only heard from him on the weekends and he expected me to just spend every weekend with him.

 

3. Always drinking alcohol from early on in the day until night. Whiskey too, so that right there gave me a sign of an alcoholic.

 

4. I left and never looked back and never been happier that I did.

 

5. It makes you really realize what kind of person you would want to see yourself with in the future. I have standards now and it will stay that way.

 

6. Only wanted to have sex when HE wanted!

 

7. Little to no effort at all to see me, I always had to drive over 20 minutes to see him, and I know that is not far but still.. a relationship is not a one way street.

Edited June 29, 2012 by bella16

[StarlaStardust]

I feel really guilty for asking for this, but... can we make this a Dumpees-only thread? I want to empower dumpees to move on and feel the positive of their break ups by getting rid of their dumpers, not be reminded of the fact that they got dumped for perhaps a reason.

 

Bella, I feel really glad you walked away from such a yucky relationship! You deserve better:)

[CopingGal]

I understand. I guess I'm kind of both a dumper and a dumpee because in the relationship he started to ignore me and my phone calls and went to another women while pretending to still be my boyfriend.

 

But I understand what you are saying. Power to the dumpees!!