Weddings and jealousy

[Pepper Potts]

Hi all,

 

I have a very weird issue, and maybe you guys can help.

 

I have four weddings coming up this year. They all require travel (out of state), and I am very, very single. Not by choice; I really would like to have a boyfriend but I just haven't clicked with anyone. Either I like them and they don't like me, or vice versa. I've been in one long term relationship in my life and I am 27--that relationship lasted 2 years and it ended because my ex said he didn't ever want to get married (and I do--someday--and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't value that). It has been another two years since that ended and I still haven't found anyone else.

 

I'm really dreading the idea of not having a date to the weddings to the point of not wanting to go to these weddings. I also have no single friends left and I'm about losing my mind. I feel like it will never be my turn, especially because I am *so* single! I don't want to be at the weddings and have complete strangers be asking me whether or not I have a boyfriend or why/why not. It's so awkward.

 

It's not like I don't have a life of my own--I do. I am educated, I have a career, I have hobbies and meetup groups I go to regularly, I'm athletic and run half marathons, I am working on a graduate degree part time, and I've tried online dating with very little success (actually the last time I did it, I *did* meet someone I thought was finally a mutual match--but he hurt me so badly I don't know if I can ever try online dating ever again). Even at church it fails me. The guys at church want to be friends for a decade (ok--well, not that long--but for a year or two) before even considering dating and I'm not OK with moving that slowly. Now even people from church are coupling off, and there's me over here. I'm busy all the time and I don't sit around moping about being single, but I'm really getting to the point that if I see one more engagement announcement on Facebook I am going to scream!

 

I'm 27 so people all tell me "you're young, you have time" or "it happens when you aren't looking" or "getting married isn't the end all in life." None of those things make me feel any better--they actually make me feel worse. I just don't understand what all my friends have that I don't that has allowed them to attract men and get engaged. I really want to start my life and have a family, and I won't feel like a true adult until I do, and it's really eating me up inside.

 

It doesn't help that my mom passed away this year, so she can't ever be at my wedding if I ever am lucky enough to have one, and my dad is getting up there in age (he is turning 68 this summer--my parents were a bit older when they had me), and I am an only child, so I really have this huge fear of being completely alone if my dad dies suddenly too. Then of course, I don't understand why all my friends get blessed with something so joyful and that loss is what I was handed on a silver platter instead.

 

I feel super depressed about it and I go to therapy and all that but nothing seems to get my mind off it. No matter how busy I am or whatever I'm doing it's always nagging in the back of my head "You're not engaged, so something must be wrong with you, and you must be unlovable."

 

Ugh, I'm a mess, can ANYONE put this into perspective for me and make me feel better? Like I honestly am at the point of ending friendships with my engaged friends, because they don't need someone like me who can't be happy for them--I feel like I should work this out before attempting to remain friends with them.

[TigerCub]

Hey Pepper

 

First, really sorry about your mom, that is hard. I lost my dad when I was in my early 20s, so I have an idea what's that's like.

 

Now onto the marriage stuff.

I don't think that being unmarried by your late 20s equals that you are unlovable. That just doesn't make sense, so get that out of your head now.

 

Not everyone is lucky enough to find someone that they are compatible with so early in life, and there are a lot of people that think everything is all dandy, they rush into marriage at an early age, just to divorce 1 year later.

 

Don't put all that pressure on yourself. Anyone can get married, but to actually be with someone that Fits, that's right is hard.

 

It sounds like you're still dating around and trying to find someone good so you're not settling and I think that's great.

 

If it helps any, a close friend of mine met the guy that she's been with for 3 years at a wedding.

 

So dress up, be happy for your friends, don't let anyone's stupid comments about "oh, why are you single" get to you and have a good time.

[Mr Scorpio]

Try looking at it this way: you are at least trying! You already have you career set, you're working on advancing that career, and you've gone on dates since the break-up. I'm not going to threadjack and spill my story, but sufficed to say I think you are in a pretty good place in life.

[stillafool]

It's just a matter of your friends meeting their spouses before you meet yours. He's on his way, don't worry. Are you getting out there so you can meet men?

[81West]

I am female, 45, never been married and could not give one less of a poo. I've had a few relationships in the 3-4 year range, but none of them should have proceeded to marriage, and they didn't. It's true I'd love to be married some day, but by 'love to be married' I mean love to be at a point where I can use all my experience to be a truly great partner to somebody and lucky enough to meet somebody that truly is the right person for me. While I understand marriage in and of itself as a goal - society rewards it in countless ways - it's also so often a destructive road to bad decisions, curbfront happiness and wasted decades. If you do not find an exquisite match you probably do not want to be married. If you realign your goals to finding a really great person for you, without timelines or artificial pressures you'll be so much better off than your engaged friends, some of whom invariably have stumbled into a coming mess while glorifying a wedding over marriage. As for the weddings you are hesitating to attend, go! Where there are single women, there are single men. Look fabulous and radiant and talk to every stranger you see.

[Woggle]

Remember it is not a competition and I hate to sound like a downer but half of them will probably be divorced or hating their spouses in a few years.

[luvinthesun]

I didnt read the entire post- but maybe you will meet someone at the wedding- or take your brother? friend? Or dont go and send gift.

[Janesays]

Weddings are prime spots to meet single men!

[CarrieT]

I don't get the thing about not wanting to go because you don't have a date; it isn't about you and your enjoyment - it is about celebrating a friend and his/her special day.

 

I get the jealousy aspect, but to not go because you "don't have a date" seems petty and selfish on your part.

[SoMovinOn]

Pepper ... what most of your now married friends have that you don't have is a 50% likelihood of getting divorced, and among the other half who manage to stay married - half of them will do so for religious or other reason, not because they have anything special - in other words, they will accept a miserable life.

 

So, what are you missing? Not much. People are in such a hurry to get married, they don't bother taking the time to look for the right person. So ... you haven't met and married your future ex yet. Is that really such a loss?

 

Wait for the right one ... however long that takes, it will be worth the wait.

[Pepper Potts]

How are you on these things:

 

1. Are you attractive? I mean in a physical, sexy way? Do you make a point of wearing "sexy" clothing every time you go out? Or do you wear your marathon track suits?

 

Well, I would say I dress appropriately for whatever I'm doing; at work I have a fashionable professional wardrobe, if I'm going to the bars I dress sexier, if I'm just out in public at a coffee shop or shopping I wear whatever is in season for casual. I used to work at Saks Fifth Avenue so I definitely know how to dress/accessorize age appropriately.

 

2. Do you have a sexy body, for your body type? I'm not saying to go out and get a boob job. You must be in pretty good shape to run marathons, slender build probably, a lot of guys are fine with that. Being obese is the worst although some guys seems to like that too.

I am tall, a couple inches shy of 6 feet and at a healthy BMI for my height. I have size D boobs too.

 

3. Do you know how to use makeup to your best advantage?

Yes, see above (used to work at Saks, I learned a lot there about presenting myself)

 

4. Are you at least mildly flirtatious when you see a target of opportunity? Are you open to conversations with guys who look like they might be available? Do you put yourself in social situations where you can meet new guys? If you just go to church and your running club you'll meet mostly the same people you already know.

I do other things besides church and I'm not in a running club--there isn't on in my area. Yes, I will talk to guys if they approach me. Not really sure when it's acceptable to approach a guy though. I feel like if a guy was really interested, he would make the first move.

 

5. When you do meet a possible guy for dating, do you always try to one up him and prove that you are his equal or better in conversation? Or do you subtly flatter him and try to make him feel like he is the center of the universe? Do you make a point of talking with guys who might be available but are shy, and might need to be "drawn out" a little bit?

No. I don't sit there bragging about personal accomplishments like I'm trying to sell myself. I can go up and talk to guys, but I find I've always had the best luck when guys approach me first (when THEY are the one genuinely interested, it really does make a difference I think--in cases where I did the approaching, usually if it did result in some dates, they'd stop calling after some other woman that they wanted more comes along).

 

6. Do you socialize relentlessly in contexts where you might meet other single people? Parties/clubs/outings--everything? Or do you sit at home a lot playing Angry Birds and wondering why you're still single?

Yes. But, I'm finding it harder now to go out--with my friends starting to be mostly coupled off they're getting more into staying home on weekends, or hosting dinner parties where it's all couples. I do have 1-2 local places where I'm a regular and I'm comfortable going alone.

 

7. Do you ever push yourself out of your comfort zone? Take road trips by yourself or maybe with another single gf to a place you've never been, just to see what's out there? Do you try new activities in new places?

I just went backpacking alone in Europe for 16 days. If that's not getting out of my comfort zone, I have no clue what is. I met tons of great people in hostels, and that has helped with a bit of an attitude shift (realizing there's WAY more to the world than where I live and that there are definitely single men who love travel, foreign languages, and who are my age or older).

 

8. What are your attitudes towards men and relationships? Do you view it as a competition, or do you understand that you must cater to your man? Are you willing to cook and clean for him once you find him? Are you willing to give him bountiful sex, including some kinky stuff once in a while including bjs to completion? How is your technique? Are you willing to not nag him to death? Are you capable of shutting up once in a blue moon? Are you a compulsive back seat driver?

 

This is some of the dumbest, mysogynist crap I have ever read in my life so I'm going to go ahead and assume this is a troll.

 

9. Are you looking for the non existent perfect man--millionaire with a full head of hair, six pack abs, no baggage, sixt foot two inches or taller, to sweep you off your feet? Or like many women who find themselves "alone," do you have a ridiculously unrealistic set of standards which causes you to automatically eliminate otherwise potentially available men? "Oh I could never date a guy who was shorter than 5'10"." "Oh I could never date a bald man." Etc.

Nope. I've dated short men, tall men, men slightly overweight, skinny men, bald men, men with high school diplomas and men with graduate degrees, men 10 years older and men 5 years younger. I'm very, very open minded about dates and if someone asks me out I always go (unless I see like major red flags before that).

 

10. Why are all the men you do know "friend zoning" you? You must be giving off some kind of vibe that causes this. You need to figure out what it is.

Why do you assume it's automatically me that's the problem? The majority of men I know already are either married to my friends, or engaged to them. I really don't know any single men. They don't have single friends to introduce me to, or they would (as they have said). The single men I do know don't really have dating as a priority right now. They're working on careers first, or have other life transitions going on where they are going to be moving out of the area so it doesn't make sense to get a girlfriend right now, or they just enjoy being bachelors for the time being.

 

It is getting kind of late in the game for you at 27 and if you don't want to end up like that 45 year old broad who could never get her act together and now pretends she doesn't care (she's a liar by the way), or like that other 27 year old chick who started another thread about cheating with an engaged guy (I guess that was the best she could do), you better figure out what you are doing wrong, assuming it's not something obvious like you weight 400 pounds or have two heads.

I sure hope you're perfect and have never had dating issues yourself because this is AWFULLY condescending. I'm willing to change things that are reasonable (i.e. maybe approach more guys, flirt a bit harder, get into online dating some more again even though last time I got hurt really bad by someone I met off it, etc.), but I have more sense than to settle for someone engaged or married. I also have more sense than to chase guys that I can tell just aren't that into me, or who are off the market, because I'm not going to be desperate. I know what I want, but I'm not so desperate that I will do ANYTHING for attention. Edited June 29, 2012 by Pepper Potts

[pink_sugar]

Try not to dwell on your lack of marriage, but rather the other positive things you have going in your life. You have a great career and going to school as well as other things. Sometimes marriage isn't everything if you're having all kinds of financial issues that are driving you apart. If the weddings bother you that much, I would suggest not attending. Since most of them are out of state, that is a valid reason for telling your friend you will be unable to make it. I also don't think the proper etiquette entails inviting whomever you want to go with you. Most weddings have some sort of budget and guest count, so unless you are in a very serious relationship, the invitation is for you only unless your friend has specified you can bring someone along.

[81West]

You missed the point of the OP. She does not want to end up where you are when she's 45.

 

I didn't miss the point. And where is it that I am exactly? LOL

[Pepper Potts]

 

Same ol same ol is just not enough variety. You're a known quantity in those places and unlikely to meet new people. You have to force yourself to go out to other places.

 

Also, it's probably not the best idea to go alone. You should always try to get at least one other girlfriend to go out with you. Going out alone is socially awkward.

 

 

 

Again with the "alone." Alone when hitting the bars, alone when on the Europe trip, disinclined to initiate contact with guys.

 

Something is telling me that maybe you're just not as outgoing and sociable as you might believe yourself to be. You sound quite introverted, or at least like you're O.K. flying solo. Self-sufficiency is great but it really makes it hard to meet new people.

 

Everything you do socially, you should ALWAYS try to NOT do it alone, whatever it is. You should always do everything with at least one other friend--male, female, single, coupled, it really doesn't matter. You are not being "sociable" when you go and do things alone in a public place and wait there for someone to decide to start talking to you.

 

I agree with you on not always going out alone. However, at the places I'm a regular, while I may drive myself there, I have other friends that are usually there. So while I may walk in the door by myself, I'm not sitting alone, dancing alone, etc. once I'm there.

 

I would've loved to bring a friend or two with me to Europe, but I have money and they don't--that's not exactly my fault. I'm not going to sit home and not travel just because my friends can't afford it, or don't feel as brave as I do to go to Europe. Or, they are married already and obviously aren't going to travel without their husbands, or can't because they have babies to look after. And it actually hasn't been awkward at all. I met at least 30 new people on that trip that have added me on Facebook, and half of those people were solo travelers as well. I pretty much was only "alone" on it when sleeping, and that's it. But, for some reason in Europe I felt 1000% more comfortable approaching people, both men and women, to introduce myself than I do at home, and maybe it's just because the hosteling environment encourages being social--I don't know. That being said, it's inspired me to try to reach out more in various settings.

 

Edit: Also: http://travelhappy.info/travel-tips/seven-reasons-to-go-travelling-solo/

Edited June 30, 2012 by Pepper Potts