Trying to move on from my affair

June 29, 2012

Oh my...that's kind of hard to answer right now where I am, at the start of N.C, but I think that my heart is telling me that I miss him, and I know this will get worse before it gets better.
My head is telling me I miss how he made me feel. I'm going to have to listen to my head.

If you don't mind me asking, when did NC start? How did it start? This is a critical development and not an easy one to maintain. Do you mind discussing it?

June 29, 2012

Actually yes I have told him that lust and physical attraction were the things that attracted me to my OM. I have also told my H that when I met him, the physical attraction was not as strong as it was with my OM (this was really hard to say and difficult for him to hear too), and that my love for him grew over time, there was no thunderbolt heart-stop moment, but I also told him that our relationship is based on more than just physical attraction, and that I know that physical attraction is short lived anyway.

He has seen the OM with his own eyes, so he knows that he is a handsome young man, which he is. It's fairly obvious when you see him that he is attractive.

June 29, 2012

BetrayedH - The OM txt me today, and I told him I don't want contact now. I told him I need to move on. He knew this was coming because I have been saying for 2 weeks now that I cannot go on still having contact with him, it will affect my mental health before too long because I felt like I was cracking up and I want to work on my marriage. I want him to let go and not txt me anymore. He said it's not what he wants, but if it is what I need to do then he won't contact me. But he's said this before, and I know it's only a matter of time before he txts me or shows up at my work.

June 29, 2012

wow.....just wow. do you realize what you've done to this man?

then this POS talks sh#t about him like that. OMFG!

you seriously need to leave. he deserves so much more than what you're capable of giving him.

i see you still in a fog, and resuming this affair at any time. sorry.....just sayin'.

June 29, 2012

BetrayedH - The OM txt me today, and I told him I don't want contact now. I told him I need to move on. He knew this was coming because I have been saying for 2 weeks now that I cannot go on still having contact with him, it will affect my mental health before too long because I felt like I was cracking up and I want to work on my marriage. I want him to let go and not txt me anymore. He said it's not what he wants, but if it is what I need to do then he won't contact me. But he's said this before, and I know it's only a matter of time before he txts me or shows up at my work.

Thanks for the reply. Any idea what you will do differently this time? I'm afraid I don't have great suggestions as that wasn't make side of things. I just know that NC is probably the single most important thing for you to maintain if you truly want to reconcile with your H and your past efforts haven't been effective. The OM/OW forum might be a good place to get some counsel. There are many women there that went thru the struggle of maintaining NC there.

June 30, 2012

Pierre - If I think that there's a chance for us to be happy together in the future then I'd like to try to recover our marriage. I understand that in time my H may decide he wants us to separate. I'd like to think that we'd tried, that I'd tried, my best before we go down that road. I don't feel ready to give up yet, but if my H decides thats what he wants in the end then I would have to accept his decision. Right now he says that isn't what he wants. My married friends tell me that even if their relationship was based on lust in the beginning, it does fade over the years anyway.

Artie Lang - Why do you think I will resume the affair now that I have told the OM no contact now? I think that I'm seeing things much more clearly now than I have done before, but I know I will go through some withdrawal.

Alice2012 - Of course he will try to txt me. But I can ignore it can't I. Just like I can send him away if he shows up at my work. There is more than one way for him to contact me.

June 30, 2012

So far I think there's some good advice and support to be found here for sure, and obviously lots of people who've been through the process of trying to recover their relationships.

But there are also some people who it seems just want everyone who comes on here looking for support to fail at their attempts to save their relationships. I wonder if this is because they are bitter that their own relationships failed?

June 30, 2012

So far I think there's some good advice and support to be found here for sure, and obviously lots of people who've been through the process of trying to recover their relationships.

But there are also some people who it seems just want everyone who comes on here looking for support to fail at their attempts to save their relationships. I wonder if this is because they are bitter that their own relationships failed?

There are certainly people here that are bitter. I am one of them and I didn't deserve what happened to me. I suspect calling us bitter won't much help you in your situation. Certainly, some people are a bit out of line but they often feel that coddling you won't help you clear away the fog as much as a direct third-party assessment. If some are particularly offensive to you, there is an ignore feature. I tried using it when I first came here a year ago; I was pretty badly beaten up as a betrayed husband that wanted to reconcile with my wayward wife. In the end, I should have listened more to some of that stern counsel and focused less on their delivery.

Again, I recommend the OM/OW forum for better advice on maintaining NC and probably for a somewhat more sympathetic ear.

June 30, 2012

for the same reason Alice pointed out.

f@#$ ignoring him.....block his azz.

it just seems like your waiting it out to see what fits within your current sitch.....whatever best fits your interests.

June 30, 2012

Pierre - If I think that there's a chance for us to be happy together in the future then I'd like to try to recover our marriage. I understand that in time my H may decide he wants us to separate. I'd like to think that we'd tried, that I'd tried, my best before we go down that road. I don't feel ready to give up yet, but if my H decides thats what he wants in the end then I would have to accept his decision. Right now he says that isn't what he wants. My married friends tell me that even if their relationship was based on lust in the beginning, it does fade over the years anyway.

Lang - Why do you think I will resume the affair now that I have told the OM no contact now? I think that I'm seeing things much more clearly now than I have done before, but I know I will go through some withdrawal.

Alice2012 - Of course he will try to txt me. But I can ignore it can't I. Just like I can send him away if he shows up at my work. There is more than one way for him to contact me.

Are you planning to do counseling? And then also MC?

Did you block your OM? You should!

Do actions that show respect and love for your H if you stay married.

Have you told him everything you did with your OM?

Will you tell your H every time OM tries to contact? How willing are you to be honest?

June 30, 2012

BetrayedH - I think you're one of the few who can put the bitterness aside and still be constructive. Thanks for pointing out the other forum!!!! Sorry for all you guys who's relationships are clearly not working out, but judging by some of the bitterness on here I think its probably for the best they didn't. Maybe some WS had a lucky escape when you guys broke up I guess.

June 30, 2012

i'm neither a BS, nor am i a WS.

i call 'em how i see 'em.

Edited June 30, 2012 by Artie Lang

June 30, 2012

BetrayedH - I think you're one of the few who can put the bitterness aside and still be constructive. Thanks for pointing out the other forum!!!! Sorry for all you guys who's relationships are clearly not working out, but judging by some of the bitterness on here I think its probably for the best they didn't. Maybe some WS had a lucky escape when you guys broke up I guess.

Now that is kind of mean (the bolded). Many people here are hurting over what their WS (your position) did to them. To tell them that their WS was lucky to get away from the bitterness...

I think most posters here are trying to help you! Sure, some of the stuff is hard to hear and like another poster said, place the ones who are really bugging you on "ignore."

IMO, the other forum is the last place you should go IF you want to save your marriage. But that is just my opinion.

June 30, 2012

Now that is kind of mean (the bolded). Many people here are hurting over what their WS (your position) did to them. To tell them that their WS was lucky to get away from the bitterness...

I think most posters here are trying to help you! Sure, some of the stuff is hard to hear and like another poster said, place the ones who are really bugging you on "ignore."

IMO, the other forum is the last place you should go IF you want to save your marriage. But that is just my opinion.

Or perhaps it was the BS that made the lucky escape from the selfish, disrespecting, dishonorable WS.

Anni, don't ever try to judge someone's pain until you have felt it.

Your pain is nothing compared to the pain you caused your husband.

June 30, 2012

BetrayedH - I think you're one of the few who can put the bitterness aside and still be constructive. Thanks for pointing out the other forum!!!! Sorry for all you guys who's relationships are clearly not working out, but judging by some of the bitterness on here I think its probably for the best they didn't. Maybe some WS had a lucky escape when you guys broke up I guess.

Look at this. Some anonymous posters say some things you don't like, you get your feelings hurt, and look how you lash out.

What you were feeling to make you say what's bolded above is not even a drop in the ocean to how you have made your husband feel, and yet, was it today?, you are still having contact with the man you destroyed your husband with, the same husband you went back to two months ago to supposedly work things out with....

Most of us have been there, Anni, and we know the devastation to find out our spouse is still carrying on in some way with the AP all the while telling us they want to fix things. It is massive betrayal, and we get that, and it's very clear you don't, which is why so many think your marriage doesn't stand a chance in hell.

My husband told me he was not going to have any more contact with OW. I didn't ask this of him, I was on my way to divorce, and figured we were done, so who gives a flip what he does with who at that point. Then he asked me to work things out, and after some massive soul searching, I agreed. I found out a couple of months later AFTER he asked me that he had emailed OW. One email, and it destroyed my world yet again.

But that means nothing to you, because if it did, you would stop messing around with the other guy completely, 100%. But maybe your husband will decide enough, and you can find out the truth for yourself of what's bolded above.

June 30, 2012

If you can't own the pain you caused your H and completely change the person you are - then you should D him so he can find a woman who will honor and cherish him.

If that's not you EVERY DAY moving forward - then he deserves someone who will DO THAT!

June 30, 2012

Your husband is feeling what many posters have felt, yes there is anger and indescribable pain that BS's feel. The people here are laying it out honestly and it mirrors the many stages of grief.

Ironically they're pulling for you, being blunt or calling it for what it is and it's hard for you not to snap back and become defensive if you get tough criticism. This is only a taste of what you will have to endure with the pain your husband is and will go through for many months and years from now.

You have no idea what true reconciliation means, your husband will at different stages ride an emotional roller coaster. He will love you desperately and then despise you the very next second. Remorse, true remorse, is the only cure if the life you want together can become a reality.

The affair fog and betrayal fog are very similar, it's a swirling mess of emotions and it feels surreal, emotions run high and nothing makes sense anymore.

Indecision, fear, love, anger, grief, sadness, are twisted together and it takes time to untangle these feelings to know if it is the end or a new beginning.

Edited June 30, 2012 by Furious

June 30, 2012

i'm neither a BS, nor am i a WS.

i call 'em how i see 'em.

Artie, this is an obvious lie. Your posts have BS written all over them. I imagine when your D-Day happened, your WS didn't even want to think about sticking around and trying to work things out with you. She probably couldn't get out of the door fast enough. That's why you're here, being all bitter and chewed up.

June 30, 2012

For the record, my WS bends over backwards every single day to make things up to me and demonstrates his commitment and remorse. In fact, he reads all the threads in which I participate.

Yeah, and I bet you've made every day for him since D-Day as good as a living hell, hanging out on here too much and jumping all over people who did what he did and making him read the things you spout, just to keep him firmly in his place as the evil wrong-doer.

SO when I see someone like you who claims to be "trying to move on" and "recover their relationship," yet is not at all genuine . . . .

I'm not at all genuine, wow! That's an assumption!!! Let me throw around a few assumptions about you Alice....let's see now.....

You are a total misery to live with, that's why your H had the affair.

You make him suffer every day for what he did and he often wishes he'd left you.

It's not being bitter or hoping you fail - it's calling it like I see it with the hope you DON'T fail.

No, it's being bitter.

June 30, 2012

hilarious. if you've read all of my posts- like you said -you'd notice that I've chimed in on OW/OM threads and told them that if that's what they want to indulge in(affair), then be happy about it without bitching and moaning, as you have been. i even commended a certain poster about not having any qualms concerning her behavior because she was "ok" with it.

don't come on here "fakin' it" by being remorseful and having "guilty" feelings when you still have OM at your beck and call.

you left your husband for 2 months; come back to him; start to reconcile, and then have feelings of regret over coming back.....C'MON. you're not a teenager anymore. stop playing these mind games. everything you've done has been for your own benefit. truth be told.

June 30, 2012

Ok Artie, let us look at what you've shared with us right here:

hilarious. if you've read all of my posts- like you said -you'd notice that I've chimed in on OW/OM threads and told them that if that's what they want to indulge in(affair), then be happy about it without bitching and moaning, as you have been. i even commended a certain poster about not having any qualms concerning her behavior because she was "ok" with it.

don't come on here "fakin' it" by being remorseful and having "guilty" feelings when you still have OM at your beck and call.

Ok, so if someone has an affair, but feels not a shred of guilt, either during or afterwards, that is to be commended by you. However, if someone comes on here and expresses feelings of guilt and remorse, then they are "fakin' it". Ok, now all the WS's on this forum know where they stand with you. No guilt = cool. Guilty feelings = you are fakin' it.

By the way, FYI, I stated in a previous post that I've cut contact with the OM, but you're not exactly interested in the details here are you Artie. No. Let's look at why you are here at all........

you left your husband for 2 months; come back to him; start to reconcile, and then have feelings of regret over coming back.....C'MON. you're not a teenager anymore. stop playing these mind games. everything you've done has been for your own benefit. truth be told.

Interesting judgement. You let slip in a previous post that you are not a BS, and you are not a WS either. I'm a little confused. Why are you here then? I'm getting the feeling you don't have much better to do with your time. If you are neither a BS or a WS, then you're not exactly offering me or anyone else the benefit of your vast experience are you? You actually have zero experience of this situation, from either point of view.

Thanks for sharing that with me and everyone else on here Artie. I can now skip past every single post with your name attached to it without feeling like I'm missing out on your invaluable wisdom.

June 30, 2012

AnniUK: I think you will find more help on the OM/OW forum. You are only going to get flamed continuously because you are a WS who seems (mostly) unrepentant.

June 30, 2012

exactly, drifter. she's not.

i chime in because i can. being a 3rd party I'm not partisan. you just don't like being called on your BS. you can skip all you want, it doesn't change the fact everyone sees exactly what i see in you.

June 30, 2012

This is not an attack.(atleast not intended to)

OP is a narcissist. Every post is about what she wants. She only got back because she realized OM is worse off than her H. She had no problem trampling on her H's feeling until that day(Even though he begged and cried). Get yourself some help OP(IC)

Your H is 10 times the man as OM/? What about you?

He is 100 times the better human than you are

He is 1000 times the better spouse than you are.

Heck, even the OM is better person than you at some level.

Your incessant need for attention is something to look out for. Even your friends couldn't handle it. Why do you need it so much?

Any childhood issues? How old are you now?

July 3, 2012

AnniUK,

I am in similar situation as your husband. My wife’s OM is trying to contact her by text. He lives in different country. Sometimes (or maybe all times but there is no way for me to be sure) she tells me when he contacts her. When this happens I always think that this will never stop. I asked her to change her phone number but she refused which makes me feel like she does not want to block all the ways OM has to contact her. She blocked him in all her email accounts that I am aware of as well as FB. But not wanting to change the phone number makes me nervous.

She says she still loves him in a different way and she misses him sometimes. Sometimes she isvery open and comes and cries on my shoulder for her OM. It is weird but I find this as a proof of her honesty and I am trying to stand it. In our case it is the lost trust that is most damaging, so I’m ready to do everything that is helpful to rebuild trust.

I am willing to keep our family and I believe I’m trying to do everything on my side but I expect that she needs to do everything on her side. I am not sure whether she is NC and somehow I thing that this is a huge obstacle.

In my opinion NC and rebuilding trust is crucial if you want to keep your family so I believe you should make any effort in this direction.

Edited July 3, 2012 by Sto

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