Trying to move on from my affair

June 28, 2012

NoFool4U - I didn't mean in my OP that I'm worried how long it will take for my H to get over this, I meant will he EVER be able to get over it. I think it will always be there, but I wasn't meaning I'm going to give him a few months to pull himself out of it. Thats why I wanted to hear from the Betrayed about whether they regretted staying in their marriages or whether they wished they'd got out.

Owl - My husband at first wanted to go to counselling, as did I. But then he changed his mind and said he'd rather deal with it without using counsellors. I have often thought about having counselling myself, just so I can work out what it was in me that made me do what I did rather than try to talk to my H properly. After reading what's been said here, I think I will do this, even if my H still isn't sure about counselling. I think I need to.
Right now my H is just trying to be around more, trying to make sure he gets
his proper time at home. If they ask him to go back to work before he's had
his full time off due, he says no now, whereas he never used to before. We do more stuff together. We plan for the future, to move house h, to travel more,
do make better use of our time together than we did before.

I think I want to get the OM out of my system. I feel it more every day.

Are you worried that if you really work hard at reconciling your husband may decide at a later time he may want to divorce you anyway.

It seems you would rather not put in the effort and honesty if the end result is a permanent split with your hubby.

When you left, all you wanted was to return to your husband and now that you're back you're not sure if you want to get the other man out of your system.

You sound very confused and torn, Individual Counseling, would be the best thing for you right now.

I also want to commend you for sticking around and listening to all sides of the advice being given to you.

June 28, 2012

he needs to get over it

Bullsh*t.

Nobody needs to just "get over it". Over time he can learn to live with it, if he wants to.

But in the short term, nobody should be expected to get over it. And any WS that does deserves to be put out on the street. (note I'm not saying this is Annie's mindset, just saying in general)

June 28, 2012

By definition, the available pool of OMs who would knowingly cheat with a married woman, are complete and utter dirtbags. That's why.

An authentically "good" high quality man would never get involved in an affair with a married woman.

When a married person decides to jump down into the gutter and have an affair, who else are going to find to have the affair with? Answer: Other gutter-dwelling people.

It seems like many WS's go for the "Bad Boy or Bad Girl" types that need a lot of fixing.

June 28, 2012

he needs to get over it

Oops, or were you talking about the OM?

June 28, 2012

The OP said he needs to "get over it," how many times have we all heard the cheater repeat that lame refrain?

Did she say this? I didn't think she did.

June 28, 2012

But the junkie can't or won't support her in the style to which she is accustomed. She needs her husband for that.

Ok, I agree but why did you quote my post in this response?

OP - how does your husband want to proceed with your marriage? Counseling? Separation? Divorce? I am interested in understanding how he is handling this right now.

June 28, 2012

They pick losers because winners don't cheat. Losers gotta lose, cheaters are losers, they pick each other because who else is there to pick?

Ok I think this is a very judgmental statement. You may classify all people whom cheat as "losers" but what makes you such an expert on people. I guess you've never made a mistake in your life? And honestly I cheated and not once have I considered myself a loser. My xmm...not a loser either. I am not proud of what I did but that too doesn't make me a loser. So for you to classify people who cheat as losers...is just way off base in my opinion. This woman is looking for real life experience. Sadly...she is not going to truly understand the effects of her mistake until she takes a hard look at herself.

She needs someone to fill her time. She has a hard time being alone. There is a big difference from being alone and being lonely. I was extremely lonely in my marriage. My H does believe that his roll in this family is to provide. And as long as we all have what we need then hes done his job. He works hard, so therefore any complaints should be kept to ourselves. He makes 4x more then I do, so he must work harder. This is the mentality of a lot of men who define themselves by their paycheck. And for the wives who put their career on hold to raise kids and be the CEO of their family...we can and most often become resentful of a man who can only show his love via the things he provides.

I spent a lot of time alone. Mostly by choice because I had more fun that way. I got to enjoy the things I liked that he didn't and vise versa. Some people marry for all the wrong reasons. They stay together because divorce had never been an option. Maybe an occasional threat to get a need met. There is not an excuse out there for cheating. There are just some people out there that are flawed and they can't see it. It usually takes a discovery or in my case I realized how broken I was. I'm not a loser...I was just a girl that was too afraid to look at all my flaws and insecurities. It's easy to pretend to be someone else when you've been doing it for such a long time. And it's easy to stay in a situation when the fear of facing your flaws means you have to admit that you made a mistake. I still have a hard time with calling my A a mistake, because it was the A that forced me to see how I had stuffed all my feeling away so that I didn't have to face my own reality. I believe everything happens for a reason. And good people aren't perfect.

So to all the people who are perfect...you must be the winners!!!

AnniUks OM is an addict. My H was an alcoholic who functioned very well. I was his enabler. I needed him as much as he needed me. We weren't losers, we were just two people who found the right fit for that time. Spouses either grow together or they grow apart. I grew up a lot, yet I was by no means whole. I don't ever want to need someone to fill an empty space in my life. And until I am whole is when I will allow myself to love again. And I've learned boundaries even in my friendships with men. I had never had to think about it until I had my A. But then again I'd never met a man that was so interesting and I had so much in common with. But he too was flawed, no addictions, no weird fetishes just a guy who wanted to be happy and thought his time with me was what did it. Get a divorce you might be thinking...that would mean facing your biggest fears. We aren't losers...we are cowards. Just one more thing to work on. Rome wasn't built in a day.

June 29, 2012

True, but it goes much better with a nice Pinot Noir than a teddy bear does.

OMG!!! I think you figured out why she did it!!! She didn't like red wine!! That's it!! I should have made chicken instead of salmon so she could drink Pinot Grigio!!:lmao::lmao:

June 29, 2012

96nole, I don't want to derail this thread too much but I still don't get it. You were showing your wife special attention...you made her one of her favorite dinners. How does a stupid little teddy bear even compare to that? I still don't get it...but maybe because I am not a cheater I am not supposed to understand.

You're correct about not being able to understand it because you are not a cheater.

Also, nobody that knows me and us as a couple understand why she did it. But let's dig a little deeper.

My ex is selfish.

Example: last year as I was throwing her out the first time, she made the statement that she 'only wanted what was best for her'. Can't get much more selfish than that. And it is certainly not the attitude one should take in a marriage.

A few months after I threw her out the second time, she was at the house and we were talking and below is an excerpt of that conversation:

Whore: What have you done to make my life easier?

Me: you mean other than cooking most of the dinners, doing the laundry, helping clean up the house, help you study for your education certifications and helping you with other class assignments?

Whore: OK fine, but why didn't you ask me if there was anything else you could do to make my life easier?

Me: {silence}

I mean really, what can you say to a comment like that?

The dirtbag was telling her exactly what she wanted to hear. He even tried to lay the baloney on me last year when I was on the phone with him.

Dirtbag: I would NEVER tell her she can't do something

Me: what are you talking about?

Dirtbag: you said she can't have kids

me: you're right. Only after her CARDIOLOGIST told her she would be a very high risk pregnancy!!!

This is the same cardiologist that did minor heart surgery on her.

We never had children for many reasons but the obvious one is quite glaring. However, she wanted a family, I brought up adoption, but she didn't want to adopt. She wanted her own. So now I'm the bad guy for being the realist. But the dirtbag is the hero because he told her what she wanted to hear, that he wants to have kids with her. I asked her last her after the first time I caught her if they talked about having kids. She replied with "I don't remember" I think even Stevie Wonder can see that was a lie.

If she complained to him about something I did that she didn't like, all he had to do was say that he would never do that. If she complained that I didn't do something, all he had to do was say that he would always do it.

As I was throwing her out for the second (and last time) she complained that we didn't talk all night long like we did when we first started dating. That was 15 years ago. Of course we aren't going to talk all night long since we've spend almost everyday together for those years. But, she and the dirtbag can have long conversations because it all new and fresh. So now I'm the jerk because we "don't have conversations". We did, but they were not like the ones she and the dirtbag were having, thus ours didn't count anymore.

I'm sure the dirtbag was asking her what he could do to make her life easier. Let's face it, in reality, what can he really do for her? They can only steal a few moments a day. Meanwhile, I was probably already home from work washing her skidmarked underwear. I'm sure she thought it was wonderful that someone was asking her what they could do to make her life easier. But after 15 years together, I didn't have to ask, I already knew. And it's not that I was doing it to make her life easier, it was stuff that needed to be done around the house. But I didn't go out of my way to ask the princess if there was anything that I, her humble servant, could do for her.

I could go on with more but I think I've shown that with her selfishness and some pretty words from a dirtbag, I, like so many other BS's, look like jerks. Here was somebody new showing her additional attention. Telling her what she wanted to hear. So it's not so much the teddy bear in and of itself other then dirtbag went out of his way to buy a $5 teddy bear. Most likely from the local grocery store. But now he looks like Mr. Wonderful.

She likes her salmon burgers with a little bit of a char from the grill. I should have just burnt the hell out of them.

AnniUk: How much of the above, especially from the parts about the dirtbag, sound familiar to you?

June 29, 2012

I think there was also a bit of each other wanting to "save each other" like anniUK mentioned. I think my ex wanted to save the poor dirtbag because he can't support himself and had to live with mommy. And dirtbag can save the ex from the big mean terrible me.

yep, I should have burnt the hell out of the damn burgers.

June 29, 2012

Hello, I'm new here. My situation is that I'm trying to move on from my affair. I actually left my husband for my lover and then came back home after 2 months.

Although my husband is a wonderful man, and he is trying his very best to move on from what happened, which has devastated him beyond words really, I worry that my husband won't be able to get over it, and I won't ever be able to get over my OM.

I haven't read the whole thread yet, so if you've answered this, I'll find it when I continue reading but if you haven't answered this, please do..

Why did you go back home to your husband after 2 months of being with your OM? Why bother going home if you feel you'll not get over your OM? Why not divorce and then go do as you please?

June 29, 2012

Hey Anni---as you say the grass ain' t greener---you didn't like living with your scum lovers parents, or in a little house---you liked what you had, with your loving, innocent, H. whom you have destroyed.

He is I guess trying to stay the course, and you selfishly, are right there with him for that bankroll------you need to become selfless----you say, you are trying to stay NC, with your scum lover, if that is so then why do you answer him at all---Does your brain not comprehend how to ignore someone----you are a big girl, so I know you know how to say No, and then become invisible, why can't you do that---I am sure you ignore most men, how is it you are able to ignore other men---and they arn't even drug addicts!!!!!

Your scumlover is ingrained in your brain, isn't he---well you better figure out someway to ignore him, cuz you got your 2nd chance, if you blow it this time, you may not get another, and the nice house you live in, and the money you get to spend will just dry up, and blow away---the grass won't be green anymore, it will be a dirty shade of brown

Your other problem still exists, what to do about being alone, for half of your married life, An old friend of mine had that problem, her H. worked on a tanker---6 weeks on and 6 weeks off---she got heavily into her kids life's, into hobbies, into women's groups---she worked out---you have a job, you need to find things to do---there are lots of womens evening activities, card clubs, things like that---cuz if you don't find something you will cheat again---it is written all over your posts!!!!!!

June 29, 2012

Anniuk,

I was desparate to reconcile and could have forgiven & worked through the initial betrayal..Is/was your husband? I am assuming so if he had you back.

You cannot re-create romantic love with your husband A. whilst you remain in any type of contact with your OM and B. whilst your husband is working away so frequently.

A. Remaining in contact with OM feeds the addiction you have with him.. one text, even tiny triggers can 're-set' the stopwatch on your withdrawal to OM..each time you feel overwhelmed & the process starts again. If you want to save your marriage, I suggest you work the problems in reverse..

1. Remove OM entirely from your life, destroy ALL things connected, change email, phone number, car, job whatever.Expect to feel depressed, desperate for contact..YOU MUST resist the urge to seek him out..Not easy if he is actively pursuing you..as this happened to us. It could take a month to feel better, maybe alot more..but it can be helped if you follow up with 2. below..

2. Your husband & you must remove the conditions within which your marriage was allowed to deteriorate PRIOR to your affair.. So identify what the issues are and together put them right..& seek counselling to help you both find out these issues if they aren't staringly obvious.

The love of your life issue...

When you first met your husband, did you have the crazy getting to know each other dating stage? Have you been 'in love' with him (even if you see it as a different love to your affair love?)

If you answer no, then I question whether you can recover this mess..If yes, then I think you have hope to recover & have a happier more fulfilling marriage.. but it will take WORK..work which cannot begin until you work the process in reverse and go back to basics starting with the removal of the giant great big fat elephant of a problem namely OM.

You need to identify what your OM gives you (other than the sex thing) that your husband perhaps does not or cannot or is unaware you need. You have to be honest with him about your needs & also find out what your husbands are.. I also wonder what he does to fulfil his needs when he is away from you so much eh?

I have spent 8 months trying to get my partner of 12yrs to cut contact with her affair partner.. in the end, what has destroyed us entirely, is not the two month affair last year, but me discovering she has had contact on and off behind my back for the past 4 months.. Despite me moving out & moving home to reconcile. She claimed she never instigated any of it..but by her being relentlessly pursued it sent MY mind into crazy mode & I just could not believe anything she said anymore..and rightly so because within weeks of contact starting up, they were sleeping together again..My family has been torn apart because of her weakness & inability to apply 150% of the work needed to begin repairing the collosal damage their affair & subsequent contact moreso has done to our relationship.. I am leaving on Saturday forever, and we will not even be friends now.. I am utterly devastated.

IF you cannot put in the work, get the hell out of both relationships and be on your OWN..find your self esteem for yourself & stand alone.. there's a reason why re-bounds dont work out... Good luck!

June 29, 2012

Yes, in the first post of the thread.

Actually, no, she didn't. She said she worries he will never get over it. She didn't say he "needs" to get over it like alot of cheaters say because they think someone should turn back to normal after just a couple months or something.

I'm with you in spirit on this abe, but she actually didn't say he needs to get over it. She's worried that he won't ever.

June 29, 2012

They pick losers because winners don't cheat. Losers gotta lose, cheaters are losers, they pick each other because who else is there to pick?

Ok I think this is a very judgmental statement.

Everyone judges, even you.

You may classify all people whom cheat as "losers" but what makes you such an expert on people. I guess you've never made a mistake in your life?

Cheating isn't a mistake. People cheat because they wanted to get their validation fix, or get their rocks off. They do it because they wanted to. No mistake.

And honestly I cheated and not once have I considered myself a loser.

You weren't on the s**t end of the stick.

My xmm...not a loser either. I am not proud of what I did but that too doesn't make me a loser. So for you to classify people who cheat as losers...is just way off base in my opinion.

Again, of course you will think that.

This woman is looking for real life experience. Sadly...she is not going to truly understand the effects of her mistake until she takes a hard look at herself.

No, she'll never understand the effects of her willing CHOICE until she is treated by someone else in a similar fashion. Someone who cause pain to someone else deserves to go through the same heartache an pain themselves, and no, I'm not talking about the pain of things like pining over an affair partner. I'm talking about the pain of being betrayed.

She needs someone to fill her time. She has a hard time being alone.

Oh well, then I guess that makes what she did all better now:rolleyes:

She was alone, damn the H for providing for his family. She deserved to get her a little on the side.

So to all the people who are perfect...you must be the winners!!!

Oh nobody is perfect. So spare us with the drama.

I'm not perfect. I sometimes leave the toilet seat up, subtract wrong in the checkbook, accidentally turned down the wrong way on a one way street before.

But I never have, and never will cheat. You don't have to be perfect to realize you are shi**ing all over someone.

June 29, 2012

Abelincoln - The OM never touched drugs in front of me. And I met my husband when he earned the same as me working as a labourer, I was an administrator, the same job I do now. So I never got with him for money at all, in fact some months I took home more than he did, as well as doing everything in the house. I saved up most of the deposit for our first house, as well as buying most of the stuff to go inside it with my own savings. He hardly contributed at allt. We were friends first and I fell in love with him through that, and I have felt really in love with him in the past, so, in my defence, it's not like I never loved him or got with him for his pay cheque. But I liked your sweeping generalisations and assumptions, they were very amusing!

June 29, 2012

Pierre - What you just posted, I just read it a couple of times, and I'm sure I will re-read it a few more times too, especially when I'm finding feelings of missing the OM are stronger.

I do think that some WSs, as well as lying to their partners, also lie to themselves, and I know I did this, a lot. Everything you said about how you feel for the OM is very true.

Now, I'm not going to call my OM a loser, a dirtbag, scum or any of the things that a BS would refer to him as. Nor will I shift the blame for everything onto him. But having said that, I can see that he is not the man that my husband is, and I don't mean how much he earns. He is just a very flawed person, like myself.

June 29, 2012

Pierre - What you just posted, I just read it a couple of times, and I'm sure I will re-read it a few more times too, especially when I'm finding feelings of missing the OM are stronger.

I do think that some WSs, as well as lying to their partners, also lie to themselves, and I know I did this, a lot. Everything you said about how you feel for the OM is very true.

Now, I'm not going to call my OM a loser, a dirtbag, scum or any of the things that a BS would refer to him as. Nor will I shift the blame for everything onto him. But having said that, I can see that he is not the man that my husband is, and I don't mean how much he earns. He is just a very flawed person, like myself.

Do you miss him....or do you miss how he made you feel?

June 29, 2012

Oh my...that's kind of hard to answer right now where I am, at the start of N.C, but I think that my heart is telling me that I miss him, and I know this will get worse before it gets better.

My head is telling me I miss how he made me feel. I'm going to have to listen to my head.

June 29, 2012

Oh my...that's kind of hard to answer right now where I am, at the start of N.C, but I think that my heart is telling me that I miss him, and I know this will get worse before it gets better.
My head is telling me I miss how he made me feel. I'm going to have to listen to my head.

When I discovered my husband's affair I gave him my blessing to go to her.

Why are you not with the Other Man?

June 29, 2012

I did leave to be with him after D-Day, even though my H asked me to stay because he wanted to reconcile. I thought I wanted to be with my OM, but over the following 2 months I just missed my H so much. Everything about him. He's my best friend, whereas I can't say that my OM was like a best friend to me, although he never did anything really wrong, I just realised that it was my H that I wanted in the end.

Unfortunately, this hasn't meant that all of my feelings for my OM just disappeared instantly the day I came home to my H. But hopefully I'm going to work that out. They are getting less, as I continue to let go. Now that I have gone N.C. I'm hoping this will speed up.

June 29, 2012

I did leave to be with him after D-Day, even though my H asked me to stay because he wanted to reconcile. I thought I wanted to be with my OM, but over the following 2 months I just missed my H so much. Everything about him. He's my best friend, whereas I can't say that my OM was like a best friend to me, although he never did anything really wrong, I just realised that it was my H that I wanted in the end.

Unfortunately, this hasn't meant that all of my feelings for my OM just disappeared instantly the day I came home to my H. But hopefully I'm going to work that out. They are getting less, as I continue to let go. Now that I have gone N.C. I'm hoping this will speed up.

Do you think if there hadn't been a D-Day, the affair would have still continued? Were you planning to go anyway?

June 29, 2012

The conditions for romance in an extramarital affair generate a tremendous amount of lust and attraction. Women that experienced intense romance within an affair cannot replicate those feelings in a broad daylight relationship.

When you are in an affair you belong to the most exclusive club in the universe. This club only has two members--you and your OM. No one else is allowed. In the affair it is the two of you against all odds and the world may be against you. The bonding with this circumstances is very strong.

The affair only allows you to focus on the romance and nothing else. The two of you live in a wonderful bubble that is made out of love and nothing else. All the daily crap is filtered out and to make things more intense you can only have your OM for brief moments. Not having what you want 24/7 makes you want it even more with astronomically high OCD type sensations.

At home when you are thinking about OM you are as high as a kite and your H might as well not exist. How can your old H compete with this amazing sensation? No way, he cannot compete.

And yet--------you returned to your H. Why did you return to your H?

The feelings of missing OM will be incredibly strong and you will wrongly believe that allowing contact will medicate this feeling. However, in the long run it does not work that way. You must seek NC with greater fervor during the height of missing OM to finally get over OM.

Well said, I wish I could've recited this to STBXW in the beginning

June 29, 2012

Yes, D-Day happened because I confessed. I just couldn't live with the guilt and lies anymore and I felt I wanted to be with my OM. I think once you are in an open relationship with your OM, the fog starts to lift then. What I thought I really wanted suddenly did not compare to I had, only I couldn't see it while I was in the fog of desperately wanting to be with my OM.

This might sound a bit strange, but I'm glad I left my H for my OM, because in the end that is what woke me up.

I'll tell you how my husband played it. When I first said the words, he told me to pack a bag. So I got a bag and started to pack, feeling relieved, because this is what I wanted to do anyway. Then he told me to stop packing and to stay and talk through the night, which I did, but with everything I said to him, I was saying goodbye, and in the morning he said " I want to make you stay, but I can't, and I know that you're going aren't you?" I knew I was, and I left.

Over the following 2 months, he showed me how devastated he was, there were angry text messages and phone calls, begging text messages/phone calls, drunken ones, etc, etc. All of which broke my heart, but I thought still that I'd done the right thing. I saw him a couple of times, to collect some of my belongings and sometimes just because he said he really needed to see me. He told me how scared he was, how destroyed he was, how he'd never love anyone else the same. I saw all of this and questioned how I could do this to someone I loved, even if I wasn't supposed to be 'in love' with him anymore. I didn't recognise who I'd turned into, but at the same time I was still in the fog with my OM, and convinced myself that I'd done the right thing.

My H said he wanted to give my OM and proper beating, but he had too much pride to do that. I had huge respect for my H for not doing this, huge respect, because in his younger days he was rather handy with his fists (he's not exactly old now but you know what I mean).

In the end, he told me that he'd always always love me and wished more than anything I'd come to him and talked rather than me doing what I did. He even said he felt partly responsible because he'd been away so much with work even when I'd told him I was feeling low and lonely.

Eventually he told me he wanted to stay friends and he let me go and wished me all the best, even though he was crying (he never cries).

When I got back my OM asked me what my H had said, so I told him. I was in floods of tears. My OM said that he thought my H was showing weakness for not coming round and beating him to a pulp (I thought he was extremely lucky he hadn't done this and that my H had showed remakable restraint and maturity) and manipulative in trying to play my emotions. He then proceeded to criticise everything about my H and his character. And the fog started to lift when I had this thought.., 'How can you, of all people, say that about him. He is the best person I know and he is ten times the man that you are'. Lightbulb moment right there.

June 29, 2012

AnniUk

Some people call it the fog, but whatever it is, sometimes those light bulb moments are the first signs of clarity that come through.

I agree that you leaving was for the best, and that it gave you a chance to see what it would be like with the OM.

When you said that your husband was your best friend and that you figured out the OM was not, I think that speaks volumes.

Keep posting...there are some amazing posters here who are a lot further down the road and can give you excellent advice and support.

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