Trying to move on from my affair

June 28, 2012

Boy, can I relate to that!
The dirtbag was 40 years old and living with mommy.

Lol, in my case it was a 39-year-old psycho off her meds living with mommy AND daddy. Who looked like a man in a bad wig. Maybe my husband is in the closet...

June 28, 2012

No worries. Not engaging in a fight, just saying that men and women are different. We process emotions and information differently, thats all.

And just saying that your situation IS different from Annie's, unless your H has professed to you that he'll never get over his OW, which I don't believe to be the case since you are successfully reconciling.

My situation is different from Annie's because she is the cheater and I am the betrayed.

Let me break it down. Annie asked people who had been betrayed, not cheaters, if they wished they had left or if they thought staying was worth it. I answered even with my husband trying to do everything right, I'm not feeling like staying in this marriage is worth it. So, #1, I wouldn't classify my marriage as successfully reconciling. She, by being still 'in love' with the OM, is certainly not trying to do everything right. She is also just two months back with her husband. My husband did not leave me for OW, and we've been 'working this out' for five years now.

I would think it's pretty clear by what I've said here and previously that it's pretty hard to work it out in the best of circumstances, ie, #2, I'm still struggling after five years, which means in this case, where there is still, at least IMO, an ongoing affair, it is going to be 100 times harder.

June 28, 2012

Boy, can I relate to that!
The dirtbag was 40 years old and living with mommy.

I thought of you when I read the OP! Perhaps her posts will shed some light on why some cheaters pick such losers to have an affair with. I'm curious too.

June 28, 2012

My situation is different from Annie's because she is the cheater and I am the betrayed.

Let me break it down. Annie asked people who had been betrayed, not cheaters, if they wished they had left or if they thought staying was worth it. I answered even with my husband trying to do everything right, I'm not feeling like staying in this marriage is worth it. So, #1, I wouldn't classify my marriage as successfully reconciling. She, by being still 'in love' with the OM, is certainly not trying to do everything right. She is also just two months back with her husband. My husband did not leave me for OW, and we've been 'working this out' for five years now.

I would think it's pretty clear by what I've said here and previously that it's pretty hard to work it out in the best of circumstances, ie, #2, I'm still struggling after five years, which means in this case, where there is still, at least IMO, an ongoing affair, it is going to be 100 times harder.

My mistake about you successfully reconciling. Point was, your situations is apples and oranges. You say your husband is doing everything right. Therefore, successful or not, you are answering from the standpoint of someone whose husband is not like the original poster. Your husband is doing everything right, according to you, but Annie pines for her OM and doesn't think that will ever change.

But your point is taken, even though your H is doing everything right, you still aren't sure if its worth fighting for.

June 28, 2012

My mistake about you successfully reconciling. Point was, your situations is apples and oranges. You say your husband is doing everything right. Therefore, successful or not, you are answering from the standpoint of someone whose husband is not like the original poster. Your husband is doing everything right, according to you, but Annie pines for her OM and doesn't think that will ever change.But your point is taken, even though your H is doing everything right, you still aren't sure if its worth fighting for.

Of course that's her situation currently.

She's remained in some kind of continued contact with OM.

And frankly...any BS who says that they never pined for their OM/OW for some amount of time after the affair either was truly not emotionally invested in the affair...or is lying.

It's NORMAL for most WS's to pine for sometime after the affair...most experts call this the "withdrawl phase" as it's a lot like an addict going through withdrawls of the loss of their drug of choice.

But just like that addict...once she goes cold turkey and gives herself time to "get him out of her system"...recovery is possible.

She's no worse than anyone else we've seen come here...in fact, she's willing to try to reconcile even in the face of what she's still feeling. There's hope here if she's willing to step up and do the hard work...time will tell on that score.

June 28, 2012

To those betrayed spouses that tried to forgive their unfaithful partner - do you ever now just wish you had gone your seperate ways for good when you had the chance, or do you still feel your marriage was worth fighting for?

Although my husband is a wonderful man, and he is trying his very best to move on from what happened, which has devastated him beyond words really, I worry that my husband won't be able to get over it

I'm a BS and I deeply regret reconciling with my wife after she cheated. It wasn't worth all the pain and I consider it the biggest mistake of my life. But that's just me.

Since you seem to be concerned with your husbands inability to just get over it after such a short time, I don't think your marriage has a chance to survive. Reconciliation is unbelievably hard and really not worth the pain if there are no children involved. I would strongly advise that the two of you divorce.

Edited June 28, 2012 by drifter777

June 28, 2012

Reconciliation is unbelievably hard and really not worth the pain if there are no children involved. I would strongly advise that the two of you divorce.

Do you really believe it's not worth the pain if no children are involved? In every circumstance, no matter what?

June 28, 2012

I'm not sure it's worth the pain when there are children involved.

June 28, 2012

Any genuinely remorseful cheater wishing to TRULY reconcile KNOWS you shouldn't be communicating with the OP or doing ANYTHING to further betray your BS.

The OP is a cake eater.

I don't agree with this. IMO, it takes some pretty messed up thinking and rationalizations on the cheater's part to cheat in the first place, so it doesn't seem like that big a stretch to me that logic isn't going to be a big part of the cheater's mental makeup so soon after d-day.

June 28, 2012

Do you really believe it's not worth the pain if no children are involved? In every circumstance, no matter what?

Nothing is ever absolute, but my point is that the chances that reconciliation works out better than divorce is near zero. I believe it's not worth the pain and will always advise that the couple divorce.

June 28, 2012

I don't agree with this. IMO, it takes some pretty messed up thinking and rationalizations on the cheater's part to cheat in the first place, so it doesn't seem like that big a stretch to me that logic isn't going to be a big part of the cheater's mental makeup so soon after d-day.

Agreed.

In fact, the first mistake nearly every WS makes is hoping/assuming/asking/insisting that they can keep a friendship with the OM/OW after d-day.

My wife had the same assumption...until I corrected her of the notion. Even then, it took about a month of back and forth until NC was firmly, finally in place.

That's why I feel MC is so critical...she will probably need to hear it from a disinterested third party, professional to help reaffirm that this is a requirement for recovery.

Edited June 28, 2012 by Owl

June 28, 2012

Agreed.

In fact, the first mistake nearly every WS makes is hoping/assuming/asking/insisting that they can keep a friendship with the OM/OW after d-day.

My wife had the same assumption...until I corrected her of the notion. Even then, it took about a month of back and forth until NC was firmly, finally in place.

That's why I feel MC is so critical...she will probably need to hear it from a disinterested third party, professional to help reaffirm that this is a requirement for recovery.

And for Annie, with her husband gone for three weeks at a time, she has the freedom to continue contact that a lot of cheaters find they don't have when attempting a reconciliation.

This is taking me on another train of thought, of how it seems to me at least the only time the WS seems to 'get it' right away is when the BS immediately ends the relationship and refuses to reconcile.

June 28, 2012

OP,

In order to try and get past this, you need to do a few things...

the first is to completely and finally end things with your other man. no emails, no phone calls, no texts, nothing. I know you're worried about him, but he's a "big boy" and can get along on his own.

It's also really important for your husband to be an active participant in this. By that I mean let him see that you are ending things...if it's by email ( for example) let him read the "goodbye" message, and maybe even let him be the one to hit "send"...

I know this isn't an easy time for you, but if you are going to get through this, i really recommend counseling ( individual and together). Counseling may not be easy, and you may have to face some things about yourselves that you may not like, but, in the long run, it will help.

ask your husband what he needs from you right now. Let him know he can tell you, and even if there;s nothing right now, let him know that you will be willing to listen and talk to him about it if that changes. Perhaps suggesting a few things that you can do to help him get through this time will help get the conversation going.

your husband needs to know how you are feeling...I know it's sometimes hard, but your feelings need to be heard. Don't bottle them up...if he seems to not want to listen, try again a bit later. write him a letter if it's easier for you. Let him know that you miss him when he's away.

i know it may seem like things will never get better, and, sadly, i can't promise that they will. But if you are both willing to work hard ( and you are willing to end things completely with your other man) you stand a much better chance of making it work.

( also...listen to the betrayed husbands on here especially...they may have some really good advice on what would make reconciling easier for a husband)

as a betrayed wife, no I don't wish i had chosen differently ( divorce)...

best of luck to you and your husband...and please keep posting...there are a few wayward spouses on here who can understand where you are right now and may have some excellent words of wisdom for you

June 28, 2012

I'm not sure it's worth the pain when there are children involved.

Its not, believe me. That feeling of being trapped in a marriage to someone you no longer adore. Because afterall, what is there to adore when the person in question is now a vision in your head, riding someone else and loving it.

June 28, 2012

Thanks for all your replies. I'll try to answer some of the questions.

What made me fall for the OM? I honestly cannot say, other than that there was an instant physical attraction. I've always kind of scoffed at this before, but I just felt strongly drawn to him, like I had to get to know him better. I've never met anyone like him before, where I just felt I had to know that person, it's never happened before to me. I did know that he has an issue with drugs right from the off, and normally that would have made me run a mile, but not so with him.

When I did get to know him a bit more, he didn't seem anywhere near as bad as I thought he would be. When I call him a functioning addict, what I mean is he uses occasionally, not all the time, heroin, which he smokes, but he wanted very much to leave it behind and he never did it in front of me.

I felt lonely, he seemed lonely. I guess I felt sorry for him, and add to that the physical attraction, it was, I guess that I wanted to look after him, to fix him in a way. I know that sounds stupid. I thought at first I could handle my attraction to him, and just be a friend. I needed someone to need me I think.

When I think back to my feelings about my marriage at this time, I guess I was numb. I didn't think my H needed me much, he was very invested in his work, not that being a hard worker and good provider are bad things, and I appreciate that now. But I was totally blinded by my emotions for OM. That's what happens I guess, you loose your head. All rational thought goes out the window. It was so selfish and I see it now.

Now I feel like I am slowly coming out of the fog and seeing the reality.

When I left and lived with OM, at first I stayed at his parents house. Then we rented a little house together. I began to see how different he was to my H, and realised I had made a big big mistake. He didn't do anything wrong as such, but I just began to realise that my relationship with my husband had been a good one, very good, but I had totally lost sight of it. So yeah, it was a case of the grass is not greener on the other side.

I actually found myself pining for my H then, and I thought that had gone in me. I just missed him so much. All I could think about was coming home. I knew what I had to do, but it meant hurting another person this time, so now all three of us are devastated. There are no winners, but then you know that already.

I feel so massively guilty that it just consumes me. I know I'll hate what I've done for the rest of my life. I know that a year from now I might be on my own, starting again.

I completely agree with the person, sorry I can't remember who, who said that I need to grow up beause I know I do. I guess all I can do is try my hardest to be better.

The OM still being in touch: I've asked him not to contact me so many times, and he goes along with it for a while. I go through the withdrawal and just when I'm at my lowest point he always contacts me, usually by text, or he turns up at my work telling me how he is finished without me in his life. He says he's not asking for much, just some contact, just to be friends, but then he always starts that way then it gets more desperate, telling me his life is over now I've gone, I was the best thing he ever had in his life, his best chance of making a fresh start, and it kills me.

I do love my H, it's just in a different way to the OM.

June 28, 2012

Really? That's not what I see.

Any genuinely remorseful cheater wishing to TRULY reconcile KNOWS you shouldn't be communicating with the OP or doing ANYTHING to further betray your BS.

I agree. That on top of being too concerned with how long it may take for her H to get over it if he ever will.

Someone who is serious will realize that they did a horrible thing to someone and needs to have ALOT of patience. It could take years, and if thats too long, then they weren't serious enough.

June 28, 2012

The OM still being in touch: I've asked him not to contact me so many times, and he goes along with it for a while. I go through the withdrawal and just when I'm at my lowest point he always contacts me, usually by text, or he turns up at my work telling me how he is finished without me in his life. He says he's not asking for much, just some contact, just to be friends, but then he always starts that way then it gets more desperate, telling me his life is over now I've gone, I was the best thing he ever had in his life, his best chance of making a fresh start, and it kills me.

I do love my H, it's just in a different way to the OM.

Does your H know that he contacts you?

And just FYI...you don't ASK him not to contact you anymore...you TELL him not to. And then you take measures to enforce that, by blocking his number/email/IM/FB/etc...

What is your H doing right now as a result of all of this? What changes are you making in your life, trying to reconcile?

Have you contacted a marriage counselor?

June 28, 2012