Trying to move on from my affair

[AnniUK]

Hello, I'm new here. My situation is that I'm trying to move on from my affair. I actually left my husband for my lover and then came back home after 2 months.

 

Although my husband is a wonderful man, and he is trying his very best to move on from what happened, which has devastated him beyond words really, I worry that my husband won't be able to get over it, and I won't ever be able to get over my OM. I have been with my husband for 12 years. He works away so 3 weeks he is away and 3 weeks he is at home. He has done this job, which he loves, for 6 years.

 

In the last 3 years or so I became very fed up, bored and frustrated with spending so much time alone. I felt like my life was passing me by when I met my OM and the affair started in October 2010 and lasted for a year. I had kept my feelings of boredom to myself, as I thought it may pass, just a phase I was going through. When I realised it wasn't going away, but was growing into real frustration, I felt like I couldn't ask my husband to leave his job as he has worked so hard to get where he is now, I couldn't just ask him to give it all up for me.

I did let him know once how depressed and lonely I was feeling, spending so much time on my own, but he said he couldn't give up his job, he'd come too far, and that I would have to try to get used to it or leave. This was rather harsh for him, he's not usually like that, but I think he felt that I was going to start pressuring him to get a job nearer to home, so he laid his cards out like that. I shouldn't have, but I took it as a green light, that I was entitled to have my affair, because he had his career. Eventually I confessed and left him for my OM.

 

Anyway, long long story, but now we're back together, but sometimes I just feel like it will never be right again, and I have times where I miss my OM so much. There is a lot more to this story, but it is just too long winded, so I've tried to just outline it here really.

 

To those betrayed spouses that tried to forgive their unfaithful partner - do you ever now just wish you had gone your seperate ways for good when you had the chance, or do you still feel your marriage was worth fighting for?

And to the former unfaithful partners trying to work it out - how do you get over the addiction (because that's definitely what it was for me) of your affair, because I am struggling so so much with this. The passion and love I felt for my OM were like nothing I have ever felt before, but I am now trying to be realistic and not think in the affair bubble. But it is so hard.

My OM is still lingering on the scene. He contacts me regularly, most days, wanting to keep in touch. He is desperate not to let go and was devastated when I returned to my husband. My OM has some very difficult issues in his life, he struggles with drug addiction, but he is on Methadone replacement and functions very well the vast majority of the time. I worry so much for him and feel huge guilt for what I have done to him as well as my husband.

 

I do not know which one is / was the love of my life and sometimes I think they both are / were.

Any thoughts or advice please? Thank you x

[reboot]

My OM is still lingering on the scene. He contacts me regularly, most days, wanting to keep in touch. He is desperate not to let go and was devastated when I returned to my husband.

 

This is your main problem. You will NEVER get over the affair and you will NEVER be able to reconcile your marriage so long as this is true. It's impossible. If you want to be with your husband, be with him. If you want to be with the OM be with him. Anything else is unfair to everyone in this triangle. Don't be a cake eater. There's not much in the way of good advice anyone here can give you so long as you're maintaining contact with both your lover and your husband.

[stillafool]

 

 

and I won't ever be able to get over my OM.

 

If this is the case why did you come back to your husband?

 

 

 

 

In the last 3 years or so I became very fed up, bored and frustrated with

spending so much time alone.

 

Why didn't you get a job? Do you work? Why didn't you spend time with your friends and family instead of choosing an affair?

 

 

I felt like I couldn't ask my husband to leave his job as he has worked so

hard to get where he is now, I couldn't just ask him to give it all up for me.

 

 

I certainly can understand that considering how so many people are unemployed and good jobs are hard to find. Why would he leave his job?

 

 

I shouldn't have, but I took it as a green light, that I was entitled to have my

affair, because he had his career. Eventually I confessed and left him for my OM.

 

No because he has a career entitles you to have a career, not an affair. Why didn't you tell him you were so lonely you were on the brink of having an affair?

 

Anyway, long long story, but now we're back together, but sometimes I just feel

like it will never be right again, and I have times where I miss my OM so

much.

 

So again, why did you come back to your husband if it is the OM you love?

 

The passion and love I felt for my OM were like nothing I have ever felt

before, but I am now trying to be realistic and not think in the affair bubble.

But it is so hard.

 

WHY DID YOU COME BACK TO YOUR HUSBAND?

 

My OM is still lingering on the scene. He contacts me regularly, most days,

wanting to keep in touch. He is desperate not to let go and was devastated when

I returned to my husband. My OM has some very difficult issues in his life, he

struggles with drug addiction, but he is on Methadone replacement and functions

very well the vast majority of the time. I worry so much for him and feel huge

guilt for what I have done to him as well as my husband.

 

So basically you are still cheating on your H with OM. Did you just come back to your H because he provides you with a better life than a drugged out OM? This is so selfish of you. Please tell your H the truth about what you are and run back to your OM.

[nofool4u]

Hello, I'm new here. My situation is that I'm trying to move on from my affair. I actually left my husband for my lover and then came back home after 2 months.

 

Although my husband is a wonderful man, and he is trying his very best to move on from what happened, which has devastated him beyond words really, I worry that my husband won't be able to get over it, and I won't ever be able to get over my OM.

 

First off, he may never get over it. Even if he forgives you and seems that the affair has been left in the past, he'll never forget. He will have triggers.

 

Secondly, how do you expect him to get over what you did when you still aren't sure if you will get over your side sex?

 

 

I have been with my husband for 12 years. He works away so 3 weeks he is away and 3 weeks he is at home. He has done this job, which he loves, for 6 years.

 

In the last 3 years or so I became very fed up, bored and frustrated with spending so much time alone.

 

Ok, I'm going to say this, and you aren't going to like it, but here it goes. Grow up. This is life and people do what they have to do to provide for their families.

 

I wouldn't enjoy a wife having to be gone a few weeks and then a few weeks back home, but if I am in love with her, then I will just look forward to the times she is home. I can always get a hobby to keep me company when gone. And no, that hobby isn't screwing other women.

 

 

I felt like my life was passing me by when I met my OM and the affair started in October 2010 and lasted for a year. I had kept my feelings of boredom to myself, as I thought it may pass, just a phase I was going through. When I realised it wasn't going away, but was growing into real frustration, I felt like I couldn't ask my husband to leave his job as he has worked so hard to get where he is now, I couldn't just ask him to give it all up for me.

I did let him know once how depressed and lonely I was feeling, spending so much time on my own, but he said he couldn't give up his job, he'd come too far, and that I would have to try to get used to it or leave.

 

Then there was your answer. If you don't want to suck it up and do the hard work that is maintaining a marriage and family, then just give up and go for someone that doesn't seem to have as many responsibilities. Your H will find someone that will understand that he needs to do well at his job and will simply look forward to the weeks he is at home.

 

But I get this feeling it isn't really about your H's time away as much as its probably just your need to have sex with someone other than your H who you have been with for 12 years.

I know you'll deny this, but I think that is probably closer to the truth.

 

 

This was rather harsh for him, he's not usually like that, but I think he felt that I was going to start pressuring him to get a job nearer to home, so he laid his cards out like that. I shouldn't have, but I took it as a green light, that I was entitled to have my affair, because he had his career.

 

No, it entitled you to leave the marriage.

 

 

Eventually I confessed and left him for my OM.

 

Anyway, long long story, but now we're back together

 

Why? Grass wasn't as green as you thought on the other side? Money? Kids? You had gotten away from your self-proclaimed life of boredom, and I gather you were really into this OM, so why didn't you do your H the favor of staying away?

 

 

 

but sometimes I just feel like it will never be right again

 

It won't

 

 

and I have times where I miss my OM so much.

 

And this is the biggest reason why.

 

 

To those betrayed spouses that tried to forgive their unfaithful partner - do you ever now just wish you had gone your seperate ways for good when you had the chance, or do you still feel your marriage was worth fighting for?

 

I tried for a couple months. But after that short time I realized I couldn't even bring myself to look at her face without wanting to vomit. So I filed for divorce.

 

Some BS's will see it differently, but for me, a cheater isn't worth fighting for. There is no prize to be won with someone that has cheating in their character.

 

 

My OM is still lingering on the scene. He contacts me regularly, most days, wanting to keep in touch. He is desperate not to let go and was devastated when I returned to my husband. My OM has some very difficult issues in his life, he struggles with drug addiction, but he is on Methadone replacement and functions very well the vast majority of the time.

 

Oh wow, and to add insult to injury to your husband he's a meth head? Wow.

 

 

Any thoughts or advice please? Thank you x

 

Well I don't think you'll take it, but here is the advice. Divorce your husband. The damage is done, and whether he thinks he is better off without you or not, he isn't. He'll see that in time when he finds someone that won't cheat on him because he has responsibilities.

 

So you should have stayed separated from your H, should have filed for divorce, and set him free so he can start rebuilding his life.

 

Because now his life will be one of having to view the mind movies of you having sex with a meth head.

[nofool4u]

As long as you are in contact with OM you will be very unhappy and will not be able to reconnect with your H.

 

OM is clearly a loser. Why is OM appealing to you?

 

Better question, why screw over a good man with someone like this, let alone anyone else?

[eeyore1981]

Hello, I'm new here. My situation is that I'm trying to move on from my affair. I actually left my husband for my lover and then came back home after 2 months.

 

Although my husband is a wonderful man, and he is trying his very best to move on from what happened, which has devastated him beyond words really, I worry that my husband won't be able to get over it, and I won't ever be able to get over my OM. I have been with my husband for 12 years. He works away so 3 weeks he is away and 3 weeks he is at home. He has done this job, which he loves, for 6 years.

 

In the last 3 years or so I became very fed up, bored and frustrated with spending so much time alone. I felt like my life was passing me by when I met my OM and the affair started in October 2010 and lasted for a year. I had kept my feelings of boredom to myself, as I thought it may pass, just a phase I was going through. When I realised it wasn't going away, but was growing into real frustration, I felt like I couldn't ask my husband to leave his job as he has worked so hard to get where he is now, I couldn't just ask him to give it all up for me.

I did let him know once how depressed and lonely I was feeling, spending so much time on my own, but he said he couldn't give up his job, he'd come too far, and that I would have to try to get used to it or leave. This was rather harsh for him, he's not usually like that, but I think he felt that I was going to start pressuring him to get a job nearer to home, so he laid his cards out like that. I shouldn't have, but I took it as a green light, that I was entitled to have my affair, because he had his career. Eventually I confessed and left him for my OM.

 

Anyway, long long story, but now we're back together, but sometimes I just feel like it will never be right again, and I have times where I miss my OM so much. There is a lot more to this story, but it is just too long winded, so I've tried to just outline it here really.

 

To those betrayed spouses that tried to forgive their unfaithful partner - do you ever now just wish you had gone your seperate ways for good when you had the chance, or do you still feel your marriage was worth fighting for?

And to the former unfaithful partners trying to work it out - how do you get over the addiction (because that's definitely what it was for me) of your affair, because I am struggling so so much with this. The passion and love I felt for my OM were like nothing I have ever felt before, but I am now trying to be realistic and not think in the affair bubble. But it is so hard.

My OM is still lingering on the scene. He contacts me regularly, most days, wanting to keep in touch. He is desperate not to let go and was devastated when I returned to my husband. My OM has some very difficult issues in his life, he struggles with drug addiction, but he is on Methadone replacement and functions very well the vast majority of the time. I worry so much for him and feel huge guilt for what I have done to him as well as my husband.

 

I do not know which one is / was the love of my life and sometimes I think they both are / were.

Any thoughts or advice please? Thank you x

 

BBM

 

My husband cheated. Dday was 5 years or so ago, I no longer keep track. He has changed a lot since then. We still have some problems, but he is a great husband and goes out of his way to be a good guy.

 

I've thought a lot about leaving, and the past few months, since my last chick flew the nest, I think about it all the time. I almost didn't come back from vacation last month, and the thing that brought me back was commitments I have to other people, which is my weak spot.

 

I also want to address the 'leave while you had the chance' part of your comment. A person can leave whenever they feel like it, there's not some time frame, like "Person A has X number of days after discovering spouse has destroyed marriage to leave it." IMO, this is just one of the thinking flaws of unfaithful spouses. I don't know if your husband is aware or not you are still in contact with the man you broke your marriage vows for, but don't think it requires him catching you in the act to kick you to the curb. As you had the power to step out on your marriage and/or end your marriage, your husband has that power as well. It just seems to me 12 years into a marriage is not the time to be deciding which man you want to be with. IMO, you would be doing everyone, including yourself, a kind service by stopping both relationships until you figure out what it is you want, and then hope the one you pick is still waiting around for you.

[AnniUK]

I do work, yes, I took on extra hours too, and I do love my job, but it wasn't distracting me from my boredom at home.

 

My friends are great, but they have husbands and young families and they work too. We get together as often as we can, but you can only rely on them so much. They don't really want me turning up several nights a week when they've got the kids to bed after a hard day at work because I'm lonely and I want some company. That's their time to be with their husbands and families. That is their priority.

 

I wanted someone to be with. In truth, my attraction to the OM was just a physical one at first. Then it became much more serious. Whereas my relationship with my husband was born out of friendship and compatibility more than any physical attraction. I had always loved him, but there was some sexual chemistry missing when we first got together. Our love grew based on things other than lust I guess, whereas with the OM, lust was there right from the first time we met. I thought I knew about infatuation, and what a crush feels like, but this just was so powerful.

I think it can be very easy to convince yourself you are in love in that situation.

 

I have returned to my husband because I still want to believe that our kind of love, that we had before, can last, even through something like this. It's just hard to let go of the passion for my OM, which I never really had with my H.

 

I wouldn't exactly say that the OM is a druggie loser. He functions very well the majority of the time, but his issues do worry me as it is still an ongoing problem for him from time to time. I've never had any experience of this before.

[BetrayedH]

You will never be able to free yourself from this addiction if you continue to be in any kind of contact with the other man. You need to go No Contact (NC). Many times this is accomplished in the presence of your husband either via a letter or phone call that he is to NEVER contact you again; you are committed to your marriage and husband. Any time this man tries to contact you, you do not reply and you immediately notify your husband. Neither you nor your husband will begin to heal until NC is established and maintained.

 

It will take a long time for your H to begin to trust you again. Taking the effort above will be a start. You must also be completely transparent with your time and whereabouts. Volunteer the information.

 

You must also get COMPLETELY honest with your H. Any questions he asks should be answered honestly, completely, and without any hint of defensiveness. Don't fall into the common trap of lying about certain things to "protect him." You have already hurt him by having the affair. Now he deserves the truth and YOU proactively sharing it is the only way for you to begin to regain his trust. Even with a fully remorseful wayward spouse, it takes 2-5 years to reconcile.

 

There are two posters I want you to absolutely listen to intently. They are Frozensprouts and Spark1111. They have both reconciled their marriages from infidelity and know what they are talking about.

 

You MUST get off the fence and you MUST be in this for the long haul. If your H senses that you are hesitant, he will be afraid to do or say anything that will jeopardize his marriage. He NEEDS to see from you that he can question, vent, be angry, and process all of this. You need to make that full commitment so he can begin to heal.

 

Can you reconcile? Absolutely. But you must let go of the OM entirely and you must help him heal. Get the book, "How to Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair." Get into Individual Counseling so you can determine "why" you had your affair and so your husband can believe by this introspection that you can avoid it in the future. Proactively discuss the affair, even when he asks the same painful questions 60 times. This does not keep him dwelling on the affair (that's goi g to happen no matter what you do) but it reassures him that you are not still hiding things.

 

You can do this but you must decide to do it and to do it for years. You've taken some good first steps. Keep going.

[Owl]

OK...so I'm a BS who has long since reconciled and recovered our marriage.

 

Here's my suggestions to get you moving down the right path.

 

1. OM needs to be removed from you lives...FOREVER!!!! You need to send him a "no contact letter", informing him that the affair is DONE, you've chosen to be with your H, and he is to NEVER, EVER contact you again. And...you need to copy your H on this letter as well, so that OM sees that you're doing this.

 

2. You need to seek out a good marriage counselor, one with a good plan and record for recovering marriages after infidelity. You need to work WITH a good counselor to repair the damage done to your marriage by your infidelity...and need to see what needs to be done to fix the issues in you and your relationship that led to your choice to take this route to begin with.

 

3. As part of that MC, the two of you need to work on communication, boundaries, and your H is going to need to learn how to trust you again. YOU are going to need to learn how to earn his trust back as well. That will mean truthfully and completely answering his questions about the affair, explaining to him how you managed to keep it secret, and giving him open access to all of your communication methods that you used to support your affair with OM.

 

4. This is not going to go away over night. It typically takes 2-5 YEARS to recover a marriage from infidelity...if it recovers at all.

 

Some good books to help you get started:

 

"His Needs/Her Needs", and "Surviving an Affair" by Harley.

"The Five Love Languages" by Chapman

 

But...this all STARTS with you actively removing OM from your life...completely and totally. TODAY.

[BetrayedH]

OK...so I'm a BS who has long since reconciled and recovered our marriage.

 

Here's my suggestions to get you moving down the right path.

 

1. OM needs to be removed from you lives...FOREVER!!!! You need to send him a "no contact letter", informing him that the affair is DONE, you've chosen to be with your H, and he is to NEVER, EVER contact you again. And...you need to copy your H on this letter as well, so that OM sees that you're doing this.

 

2. You need to seek out a good marriage counselor, one with a good plan and record for recovering marriages after infidelity. You need to work WITH a good counselor to repair the damage done to your marriage by your infidelity...and need to see what needs to be done to fix the issues in you and your relationship that led to your choice to take this route to begin with.

 

3. As part of that MC, the two of you need to work on communication, boundaries, and your H is going to need to learn how to trust you again. YOU are going to need to learn how to earn his trust back as well. That will mean truthfully and completely answering his questions about the affair, explaining to him how you managed to keep it secret, and giving him open access to all of your communication methods that you used to support your affair with OM.

 

4. This is not going to go away over night. It typically takes 2-5 YEARS to recover a marriage from infidelity...if it recovers at all.

 

Some good books to help you get started:

 

"His Needs/Her Needs", and "Surviving an Affair" by Harley.

"The Five Love Languages" by Chapman

 

But...this all STARTS with you actively removing OM from your life...completely and totally. TODAY.

 

This is the other poster you need to listen to. I would have mentioned him previously but I haven't seen him post in a while. He does tend to save his advice for those wishing to reconcile. Disregard him at your own peril.

[nofool4u]

BBM

 

My husband cheated. Dday was 5 years or so ago, I no longer keep track. He has changed a lot since then. We still have some problems, but he is a great husband and goes out of his way to be a good guy.

 

 

2 big differences here. One, you are a woman, and seems that women can forgive and put it out of their minds easier.

 

And two, Annie still isn't over her OM and isn't sure if she ever will be. What would you do if your H still pined for the OW?

[nofool4u]

In a large number of cases OM is not a better man than the H at home. One would think the woman having an affair is looking to upgrade rather than downgrade. This is typical of women that have good men as husbands. Not sure why that is.

 

Oh believe me, I know that one all too well.

 

My x won't admit it, but this is exactly the case. I think she thought that I'd take her back and that the fact that she cheated meant she could wrap me around her finger. She was wrong.

 

I divorced her, she ended up marrying the OM, and now I'm sure she feels stuck and made a mistake (not that I care) because for one, her x-husband, me, didn't ever raise a hand to her. So this is something new to her. She has never had a man hit her before, now she does. And I almost feel bad to say that I don't feel sorry for her.

[nofool4u]

I have returned to my husband because I still want to believe that our kind of love, that we had before, can last, even through something like this.

 

 

Thats easy for you to say, you are the cheater.

 

 

It's just hard to let go of the passion for my OM, which I never really had with my H.

 

Oh you had it before, but thats what happens when you are with someone for a number of years. Things slip off, and in the case of marriage and family, responsibilities need to be taken care of.

 

 

I wouldn't exactly say that the OM is a druggie loser.

 

You said he struggles with drug "addiction". So this isn't a matter of him being an occasional user, which would be bad enough.

 

He functions very well the majority of the time, but his issues do worry me as it is still an ongoing problem for him from time to time. I've never had any experience of this before.

 

I say set your husband free and take your chances with Jesse Pinkman.

[eeyore1981]

2 big differences here. One, you are a woman, and seems that women can forgive and put it out of their minds easier.

 

And two, Annie still isn't over her OM and isn't sure if she ever will be. What would you do if your H still pined for the OW?

 

I feel like you didn't read my whole post, which was basically, sometimes the cheater can go above and beyond to make things right, and it's still not enough. IMO, Annie does not seem to be anywhere close to going above and beyond...

 

I also don't agree with your statement about women somehow being built to be cheated on better than men are, paraphrasing, but will not comment further as to not hijack this thread.

[GLDheart]

My ex betrayed me. I tried to walk away but she begged her way back in. After five years, I thought we grew as a couple and were better than ever.

 

The truth is she was better than ever... At hiding the things she didn't want me to see. The second betrayal (3 mos. Ago) has been devastating.

 

I will never, not for anyone, stick around for this trauma again.

[eeyore1981]

I was in shock when I found out my wife was having an affair with a loser type OM. I thought the guy would be younger, in shape, more good looking, and with a better career than me. I wanted the OM to be the better guy so I could rationalize the whole thing.:laugh:

 

I suspect the OP picked a loser for OM and that is why she returned to the H at home whom she does not love.

 

BBM

 

Oh, can I empathize with this one. There were a lot of moments when I found out my husband was a cheater, but this was right at the top of most difficult things to cope with. I think this is still one of the things I haven't quite worked through...

[nofool4u]

I feel like you didn't read my whole post, which was basically, sometimes the cheater can go above and beyond to make things right, and it's still not enough. IMO, Annie does not seem to be anywhere close to going above and beyond...

 

I'm not talking about a cheating spouse not doing enough to right their wrong.

 

I'm talking about a cheating spouse who isn't over their affair partner and thinks they never will be.

 

What would you do if you knew your H didn't think he'd ever get over his OW? Thats a big difference from him not simply doing enough to show you he wants the marriage.

 

 

I also don't agree with your statement about women somehow being built to be cheated on better than men are, paraphrasing, but will not comment further as to not hijack this thread.

 

Its about emasculation. That just doesn't happen to women. And I do believe women are more agreeable to forgiving and attempting to forget than men, not saying there aren't women out there that don't just reel inside like men do when triggers happen.

[eeyore1981]

I do work, yes, I took on extra hours too, and I do love my job, but it wasn't distracting me from my boredom at home.

 

My friends are great, but they have husbands and young families and they work too. We get together as often as we can, but you can only rely on them so much. They don't really want me turning up several nights a week when they've got the kids to bed after a hard day at work because I'm lonely and I want some company. That's their time to be with their husbands and families. That is their priority.

 

I wanted someone to be with. In truth, my attraction to the OM was just a physical one at first. Then it became much more serious. Whereas my relationship with my husband was born out of friendship and compatibility more than any physical attraction. I had always loved him, but there was some sexual chemistry missing when we first got together. Our love grew based on things other than lust I guess, whereas with the OM, lust was there right from the first time we met. I thought I knew about infatuation, and what a crush feels like, but this just was so powerful.

I think it can be very easy to convince yourself you are in love in that situation.

 

I have returned to my husband because I still want to believe that our kind of love, that we had before, can last, even through something like this. It's just hard to let go of the passion for my OM, which I never really had with my H.

 

I wouldn't exactly say that the OM is a druggie loser. He functions very well the majority of the time, but his issues do worry me as it is still an ongoing problem for him from time to time. I've never had any experience of this before.

 

Annie, I'm not sure how long you were having an affair before you actually left your husband, but by continuing contact with the OM and still having the feelings you have for him is telling me the affair is still active, whether you are physical with him or not.

 

You say your husband was devastated when he found out. How do you think he's going to feel knowing the past two months, while he has been trying to work this out and get past it, have all been in vain? I don't think you have a good grasp on how difficult it is for the betrayed to even make this effort to begin with.

 

It sounds to me you want to stay with your husband and have OM on the side, and surely you can come out of your fog enough to understand that unless both these men are agreeable to this, this is not going to end well, even for you. I stick by my advice, leave them both. You need to make up your mind for sure which one you want to be with before you can legitimately be with either one of them, and I don't feel, by what you've posted, you are anywhere near making that choice and sticking with it. IMO, if you continue on as is, you are liable to do so much damage your husband won't want you period.

[Furious]

Your husband wouldn't be trying to "get over it", if he knew you were still in contact with the Other Man.

 

You are manipulating and offering your husband a false reconciliation.

 

You are playing two men, I don't think you love either of them.

 

Leave them both, get Individual Counseling, work on yourself.

[Plan 9 from OS]

AnniUK,

Since you've returned to your husband, have you been conversing with the OM this whole time or has the OM been contacting you and you've not responded back? If you want to get as much help as you can with this situation, then you'll need to say which is occuring. In the OP, it clearly states the OM is "in the picture". You're rather vague on this and I would be interested to know if the communication was a two way street or if it's him contacting you while you ignore him.

[PuntserVA]

Most of the advice you'll get here is from BS's, so you have to sift through the tone a bit from those to get to the stuff that's helpful. From this WS, I'll tell you that it doesn't look like you're doing what your headline suggests: moving on. It looks like you're stuck. And as long as you are, it won't feel right. The BS's here have a really good point -- you have to get IC or SOME sort of therapy to find out what it is that's making you act and feel the way you do.

[Artie Lang]

get a divorce- PLAIN AND SIMPLE. if your heart is not into it, then let your husband go. it sounds like you can't give him the love he deserves.

[eeyore1981]

I'm not talking about a cheating spouse not doing enough to right their wrong.

 

I'm talking about a cheating spouse who isn't over their affair partner and thinks they never will be.

 

What would you do if you knew your H didn't think he'd ever get over his OW? Thats a big difference from him not simply doing enough to show you he wants the marriage.

 

 

 

 

Its about emasculation. That just doesn't happen to women. And I do believe women are more agreeable to forgiving and attempting to forget than men, not saying there aren't women out there that don't just reel inside like men do when triggers happen.

 

I'm at a loss of where you are going with this, I really am.

 

Annie asked a question in her original post, I answered it, I even bolded it and said BBM to make it clear what I was addressing.

 

Emasculation, yeah. That's just like when a woman gets the flu and it's business as usual, and a man gets the flu and goes to bed and has to be waited on hand and foot like his flu is so much worse than her flu...

 

I'm not the enemy here, dude. I was cheated on just like you were, and I guarantee you it was just as painful and difficult for me as it was for you, regardless of what category of naughty bits we possess.

[96nole]

In a large number of cases OM is not a better man than the H at home. One would think the woman having an affair is looking to upgrade rather than downgrade. This is typical of women that have good men as husbands. Not sure why that is.

 

Boy, can I relate to that!

The dirtbag was 40 years old and living with mommy.

Edited June 28, 2012 by 96nole

[nofool4u]

I'm at a loss of where you are going with this, I really am.

 

Annie asked a question in her original post, I answered it, I even bolded it and said BBM to make it clear what I was addressing.

 

Emasculation, yeah. That's just like when a woman gets the flu and it's business as usual, and a man gets the flu and goes to bed and has to be waited on hand and foot like his flu is so much worse than her flu...

 

I'm not the enemy here, dude. I was cheated on just like you were, and I guarantee you it was just as painful and difficult for me as it was for you, regardless of what category of naughty bits we possess.

 

No worries. Not engaging in a fight, just saying that men and women are different. We process emotions and information differently, thats all.

 

And just saying that your situation IS different from Annie's, unless your H has professed to you that he'll never get over his OW, which I don't believe to be the case since you are successfully reconciling.