Does openness scare people away?

[Philosoraptor]

When I observe what are considered the "norms" of society and dating I've noticed that almost everything tells you to be reserved and to remain detached. Playing the numbers game and hard to get seem to be the preferred path for the majority. While it does protect you from getting invested and hurt, it can also inhibit your ability to make a meaningful connection with someone.

 

On the other side of things those comfortable enough within themselves to open up can come off as desperate just based on how far it leans from the social "norm". I know in the past when talking to people I could see they were uncomfortable with the level of comfort I have with myself and my lack of fear to open up to others.

 

So what do you think? Does that level of comfort just have the tendency to scare people away? If so, why do you think it does?

[Emilia]

I think openness scares some people because of the requirement then to be open themselves. It can raise several uncomfortable questions that they may or may not be ready to answer. It will also need to come from someone you like enough to care enough.

[zengirl]

Did the girl not work out?

 

At any rate, I've found openness invites more people in than it scares away. Good way to scare away the emotionally unavailable, though!

[denise_xo]

I think openness scares some people because of the requirement then to be open themselves. It can raise several uncomfortable questions that they may or may not be ready to answer. It will also need to come from someone you like enough to care enough.

 

That was my reaction to the OP, too. I wouldn't say it comes across as desperate, though. Just intimidating and challenging for some.

[Philosoraptor]

I think openness scares some people because of the requirement then to be open themselves. It can raise several uncomfortable questions that they may or may not be ready to answer. It will also need to come from someone you like enough to care enough.

I think that's a very valid point. Those without that level of comfort will feel the need to give more than they are capable of at that point.

 

Did the girl not work out?

Things are still going fine. Just a thought and observation.

 

At any rate, I've found openness invites more people in than it scares away. Good way to scare away the emotionally unavailable, though!

I'd agree that it certainly does invite more of the right people, but I'm not sure about more people in general. But it might have something to do with my age bracket. I've definitely found that it opens up a lot of great friendships with those older than me. I've actually always had better relationships with my friends parents than with my friends themselves.

 

That was my reaction to the OP, too. I wouldn't say it comes across as desperate, though. Just intimidating and challenging for some.

Well I guess that's where patience has always come into play. Wait for the person who is on the same level rather than playing games.

[todreaminblue]

When I observe what are considered the "norms" of society and dating I've noticed that almost everything tells you to be reserved and to remain detached. Playing the numbers game and hard to get seem to be the preferred path for the majority. While it does protect you from getting invested and hurt, it can also inhibit your ability to make a meaningful connection with someone.

 

On the other side of things those comfortable enough within themselves to open up can come off as desperate just based on how far it leans from the social "norm". I know in the past when talking to people I could see they were uncomfortable with the level of comfort I have with myself and my lack of fear to open up to others.

 

So what do you think? Does that level of comfort just have the tendency to scare people away? If so, why do you think it does?

 

 

As far as dating goes it makes it easier if you are open from the start that is the only way i can be.I wouldn't want to waste time holding back important information that could affect the friendship in saying that i think when questions are asked they should receive honest and upfront answers so that to me is being open......blurting out how many sexual positions you enjoyed with your ex might be overkill.....its all tact and appropriate conversation.....i think open is the only way to be when discussing topics that are bought up.......deb

[Philosoraptor]

As far as dating goes it makes it easier if you are open from the start that is the only way i can be.I wouldn't want to waste time holding back important information that could affect the friendship in saying that i think when questions are asked they should receive honest and upfront answers so that to me is being open......blurting out how many sexual positions you enjoyed with your ex might be overkill.....its all tact and appropriate conversation.....i think open is the only way to be when discussing topics that are bought up.......deb

I agree with your point. I guess what I'm getting at is being more emotionally honest and having the willingness to open both your heart and mind to someone.

[KathyM]

I think too much openness too early on in a relationship or inappropriate openness can scare people away. I think there's a natural progression in a relationship, and the more time you spend with someone and the more you get to know them, the more they feel comfortable opening up to you. If you try to rush that too much, it can come across as kind of weird. I think in the initial dating stage, people just want to have an enjoyable, fun time, and not be engaging in lengthy, soul-searching discussions before they feel comfortable enough with you to share that side of themselves. So I think there is a natural progression in the amount of openness people feel comfortable with, and if you deviate too much from that, it can come across as weird or inappropriate.

[zengirl]

I think it depends on what you mean by "openness" --- I think that intense openness (and intense anything, really) scares people away, but not openness itself.

[El Brujo]

Yes, IME openness DOES scare people. Dating is supposed to be an unserious game, not a serious interview for a life partner... as I learned the hard way years ago.

[Philosoraptor]

I think too much openness too early on in a relationship or inappropriate openness can scare people away. I think there's a natural progression in a relationship, and the more time you spend with someone and the more you get to know them, the more they feel comfortable opening up to you. If you try to rush that too much, it can come across as kind of weird. I think in the initial dating stage, people just want to have an enjoyable, fun time, and not be engaging in lengthy, soul-searching discussions before they feel comfortable enough with you to share that side of themselves. So I think there is a natural progression in the amount of openness people feel comfortable with, and if you deviate too much from that, it can come across as weird or inappropriate.

Rushing is an unnatural action in itself. That would entail pushing even more than you yourself are comfortable with based on a fear. That fear could be that you're not going fast enough, you need to "hook" them, etc.

 

I think it depends on what you mean by "openness" --- I think that intense openness (and intense anything, really) scares people away, but not openness itself.

I tend to think of openness as not restraining yourself and just going with what feels right. Words, actions, etc. Just following the heart.

 

 

Yes, IME openness DOES scare people. Dating is supposed to be an unserious game, not a serious interview for a life partner... as I learned the hard way years ago.

Was the level of openness you were sharing just your natural flow? If so you were just scaring away the wrong people to begin with. What in particular were you doing to show this openness?

[zengirl]

I tend to think of openness as not restraining yourself and just going with what feels right. Words, actions, etc. Just following the heart.

 

Right, and for some people that will be more intense than others. I'm very open but not fairly intense, socially. I've found it's mostly only drawn people. I think it's the difference between 'open' and 'effusive.'

[Philosoraptor]

Right, and for some people that will be more intense than others. I'm very open but not fairly intense, socially. I've found it's mostly only drawn people. I think it's the difference between 'open' and 'effusive.'

Another solid point. If one is to be open they must do so in a way that is appropriate to the situation at hand. You can still be open but needn't be overbearing and uncontrolled with it.

[KathyM]

Rushing is an unnatural action in itself. That would entail pushing even more than you yourself are comfortable with based on a fear. That fear could be that you're not going fast enough, you need to "hook" them, etc.

 

 

I tend to think of openness as not restraining yourself and just going with what feels right. Words, actions, etc. Just following the heart.

 

 

 

Was the level of openness you were sharing just your natural flow? If so you were just scaring away the wrong people to begin with. What in particular were you doing to show this openness?

Too much openness too early on in a relationship can be perceived as coming on too strong, getting too intense, and can seem intrusive, which makes people uncomfortable if they are not at that level yet with you to feel comfortable. That's why I say there is a natural progression, and you really can't force it. Getting to know someone is a process that happens gradually as a person feels comfortable and safe in opening up. If you expect a level of openness that is too much for too early on in the relationship, that can be offputting and scare people off.

[Philosoraptor]

Too much openness too early on in a relationship can be perceived as coming on too strong, getting too intense, and can seem intrusive, which makes people uncomfortable if they are not at that level yet with you to feel comfortable. That's why I say there is a natural progression, and you really can't force it. Getting to know someone is a process that happens gradually as a person feels comfortable and safe in opening up. If you expect a level of openness that is too much for too early on in the relationship, that can be offputting and scare people off.

"Coming on too strong" when one is being themselves is simply just a mismatch. Couldn't the other look at it as if the other person isn't willing to invest enough into things? This swings back to my original point that these are but terms that society uses as "norms". Why is it that one who is comfortable opening up is too forward yet societies norms considered the acceptable path. It just seems like another game with people trying to be the one who puts in less effort to avoid getting burned. It's like someone who sits by their phone with a text and nothing to do just waiting enough time to not seem "too available" before they respond. It just seems like people are too conditioned.

[KathyM]

"Coming on too strong" when one is being themselves is simply just a mismatch. Couldn't the other look at it as if the other person isn't willing to invest enough into things? This swings back to my original point that these are but terms that society uses as "norms". Why is it that one who is comfortable opening up is too forward yet societies norms considered the acceptable path. It just seems like another game with people trying to be the one who puts in less effort to avoid getting burned. It's like someone who sits by their phone with a text and nothing to do just waiting enough time to not seem "too available" before they respond. It just seems like people are too conditioned.

Feeling comfortable witih you enough to open up on a deeper level takes time. You can't rush familiarity. People will feel you are putting the rush on them and expecting too much from them too soon if you come on too strong too early on. My sister dated a guy who was too emotionally invested in the relationship too early on, and too anxious, and it did not turn out well for him. Feelings for a person take time to develop, and if a person expects too much from someone too soon, a person will feel rushed and pressured. People generally need that more light-hearted fun time of gradually getting to know you. They can't go from zero to 60 in a couple of dates. It has to be a natural progression to deeper levels of openness as the relationship progresses.

[danm]

This is purely based on my experiences...

 

Does openness scare people away? Is it good or bad? Why?

 

It depends. I have found some people are open because they have a very complex past and either feel they NEED to share it early on (to save future situations being awkward and their honesty questioned for hiding things)...

 

...or they realise being open from the start allows them to convey what they want more directly so as not to waste their time on a dead end.

 

People that aren't as open seem to have slower burning relationships. It takes a long time to progress. It's a little more old fashioned, and things are held back/secrets kept etc. People tend to be more private and not give away too much until a very long time. Its a little more faith than anything. A lot is unknown, and by not being as open, theres lots to discover about eachother both good AND bad. It is almost like the saying 'ignorance is bliss'. Closed couples only give the bits away they are totally comfortable with, basically damage limitation not to upset the peace and balance and step out of the comfort zone. Arguments are usually deep and long lasting through lack of knowing eachother thoroughly enough.

 

Then on the other hand, very open couples seem to light the candle at both ends. They move fast, end fast, know a lot more a lot quicker and just progress seemingly easier. Arguments are usually volatile, but resolved quickly. They know where they stand, and get what they want. Its more or a 1+1 science with answers you can guarantee. If you want something, you find someone open who says the same, bingo. You know the answer without beating around the bush.

 

I guess openness scares people if they themselves don't know what they want out of it. I was eventually repulsed by a girl I was with for 2 years because her openness was just too much. Nothing was exciting, as I seemed to know everything about her too soon, and it left me with little more to discover. I was both bored and uninterested. She was constantly naked and talking exactly about what she wanted out of life like a list, for example. It might sound like a dream to many, but believe me, it sucked.

 

On the contrary, a girl I was with for 4 years was totally closed. It was exciting... I was constantly testing things and finding more about her. Dating her was like a long adventure. But I also got bored of that too. Bored of things taking too long, bored of not getting answers I was seeking.

 

So the moral of my story? I don't know. Closed girl took longer to find out and get closer to before that went wrong. Open girl was faster to know, and I managed to get out quickly before wasting time.

 

I am all for openness, you need to know where you stand. Time is the one currency without an exchange rate. Use it wisely because it is precious.

 

But I do appreciate the need to hold things back. I feel it is necessary in a healthy relationship to be both open and direct with what you want; but at the same time, holding back some things so as to keep the interest and feeling of something new with someone, no matter how well you know them. That feeling is like gold.

 

For dating? I think you have to be relatively open to make sure you are on the same field. I mean, the girl I am with now is incredible. Some will laugh their socks off, but we covered kids, wedding dresses, wedding colours and types, venues, man crushes... in general chat within the first 2 hours of the first date.

 

For some, that is terrifying. For us, it was hillarious small talk, but we both knew there and then we were similar.

 

Being too closed is just a way of wasting time and delaying yourself to be let down/disappointed with your life. You will reach an age and be one of those people who shoulda/woulda/coulda/whatif? But you took too long and didn't decide in time.

 

Be open. You will be let down quicker at worse; or you will find the person of your dreams more directly and have more time to enjoy it.

[truth_seeker]

"Coming on too strong" when one is being themselves is simply just a mismatch. Couldn't the other look at it as if the other person isn't willing to invest enough into things? This swings back to my original point that these are but terms that society uses as "norms". Why is it that one who is comfortable opening up is too forward yet societies norms considered the acceptable path. It just seems like another game with people trying to be the one who puts in less effort to avoid getting burned. It's like someone who sits by their phone with a text and nothing to do just waiting enough time to not seem "too available" before they respond. It just seems like people are too conditioned.

 

People are too jaded and conditioned. Don't respond too quickly, don't call the next day, wait a three days to call. All of these "rules" are just plain stupid. Do what you feel is right and if the person likes you they will be receptive. Pretty simple, I would say.

[truth_seeker]

 

Being too closed is just a way of wasting time and delaying yourself to be let down/disappointed with your life. You will reach an age and be one of those people who shoulda/woulda/coulda/whatif? But you took too long and didn't decide in time.

 

Be open. You will be let down quicker at worse; or you will find the person of your dreams more directly and have more time to enjoy it.

 

You are right 100%.

[Philosoraptor]

Feeling comfortable witih you enough to open up on a deeper level takes time. You can't rush familiarity. People will feel you are putting the rush on them and expecting too much from them too soon if you come on too strong too early on. My sister dated a guy who was too emotionally invested in the relationship too early on, and too anxious, and it did not turn out well for him. Feelings for a person take time to develop, and if a person expects too much from someone too soon, a person will feel rushed and pressured. People generally need that more light-hearted fun time of gradually getting to know you. They can't go from zero to 60 in a couple of dates. It has to be a natural progression to deeper levels of openness as the relationship progresses.

You seem to be associating being open with being pushy and needy. Open honesty is patient and understanding.

 

People are too jaded and conditioned. Don't respond too quickly, don't call the next day, wait a three days to call. All of these "rules" are just plain stupid. Do what you feel is right and if the person likes you they will be receptive. Pretty simple, I would say.

That's how I've always taken it. Life is too short for all the games.

[veggirl]

I agree with Kathy, basically.

 

I think too much openness too soon is false intimacy and it creates an attachment that hasn't been "earned" so to speak. I don't know you well enough to trust you with my inner self that quickly. I am not going to spill my guts to someone I am just getting to know, there is a natural ebb and flow, a slow but steady unrevealing of myself.

 

eta: I am not advocating playing games, what's that got to do with openness?

[Philosoraptor]

This is purely based on my experiences...

 

Does openness scare people away? Is it good or bad? Why?

 

It depends. I have found some people are open because they have a very complex past and either feel they NEED to share it early on (to save future situations being awkward and their honesty questioned for hiding things)...

 

...or they realise being open from the start allows them to convey what they want more directly so as not to waste their time on a dead end.

 

People that aren't as open seem to have slower burning relationships. It takes a long time to progress. It's a little more old fashioned, and things are held back/secrets kept etc. People tend to be more private and not give away too much until a very long time. Its a little more faith than anything. A lot is unknown, and by not being as open, theres lots to discover about eachother both good AND bad. It is almost like the saying 'ignorance is bliss'. Closed couples only give the bits away they are totally comfortable with, basically damage limitation not to upset the peace and balance and step out of the comfort zone. Arguments are usually deep and long lasting through lack of knowing eachother thoroughly enough.

 

Then on the other hand, very open couples seem to light the candle at both ends. They move fast, end fast, know a lot more a lot quicker and just progress seemingly easier. Arguments are usually volatile, but resolved quickly. They know where they stand, and get what they want. Its more or a 1+1 science with answers you can guarantee. If you want something, you find someone open who says the same, bingo. You know the answer without beating around the bush.

 

I guess openness scares people if they themselves don't know what they want out of it. I was eventually repulsed by a girl I was with for 2 years because her openness was just too much. Nothing was exciting, as I seemed to know everything about her too soon, and it left me with little more to discover. I was both bored and uninterested. She was constantly naked and talking exactly about what she wanted out of life like a list, for example. It might sound like a dream to many, but believe me, it sucked.

 

On the contrary, a girl I was with for 4 years was totally closed. It was exciting... I was constantly testing things and finding more about her. Dating her was like a long adventure. But I also got bored of that too. Bored of things taking too long, bored of not getting answers I was seeking.

 

So the moral of my story? I don't know. Closed girl took longer to find out and get closer to before that went wrong. Open girl was faster to know, and I managed to get out quickly before wasting time.

 

I am all for openness, you need to know where you stand. Time is the one currency without an exchange rate. Use it wisely because it is precious.

 

But I do appreciate the need to hold things back. I feel it is necessary in a healthy relationship to be both open and direct with what you want; but at the same time, holding back some things so as to keep the interest and feeling of something new with someone, no matter how well you know them. That feeling is like gold.

 

For dating? I think you have to be relatively open to make sure you are on the same field. I mean, the girl I am with now is incredible. Some will laugh their socks off, but we covered kids, wedding dresses, wedding colours and types, venues, man crushes... in general chat within the first 2 hours of the first date.

 

For some, that is terrifying. For us, it was hillarious small talk, but we both knew there and then we were similar.

 

Being too closed is just a way of wasting time and delaying yourself to be let down/disappointed with your life. You will reach an age and be one of those people who shoulda/woulda/coulda/whatif? But you took too long and didn't decide in time.

 

Be open. You will be let down quicker at worse; or you will find the person of your dreams more directly and have more time to enjoy it.

Very knowledgeable post. Simply enough be yourself and do what feels right. Some choose to bare all and some choose to be reserved. Either way in the end you will find out if someone is right for you with time and patience.

 

I think your first point stood out the most though. Why is someone open? Is it based on an external situation or just who they are? But the same goes for why someone is reserved. Are they playing the dating game or are they just naturally that way?

 

Takes me back to the advice I live by and always give: If you're looking for a good match find someone you like just the way they are who also likes you just the way you are.

[Philosoraptor]

I agree with Kathy, basically.

 

I think too much openness too soon is false intimacy and it creates an attachment that hasn't been "earned" so to speak. I don't know you well enough to trust you with my inner self that quickly. I am not going to spill my guts to someone I am just getting to know, there is a natural ebb and flow, a slow but steady unrevealing of myself.

 

eta: I am not advocating playing games, what's that got to do with openness?

Well that's your natural. I'd certainly never advocate anyone not being themselves. But plenty out there are quite open and have no fear of sharing themselves with the world.

 

I know many an open person who doesn't want to play games yet feels like they have to. Dating games themselves represent how artificial dating and getting to know someone has become. Too many believe that if it doesn't follow some set path that something is wrong.

 

Being open doesn't have to mean attachment by any means though. I'll sit down with strangers I meet out and about and can have a heart to heart conversation with them. Why is naturally being an open person considered such a strange thing?

[todreaminblue]

I agree with your point. I guess what I'm getting at is being more emotionally honest and having the willingness to open both your heart and mind to someone.

 

 

That willingness is exactly it....... if its there (a willingness to be emotionally open) as well as open minded then anything is possible......I understand why people don't though.....its scary laying your cards out on a table..there is always a chance of rejection or ridicule....i have never been rejected because of my openness....I have however been respected because of my openness.....being open is freedom to be who you are and respect people for who they are......deb

[danm]

Why is naturally being an open person considered such a strange thing?

 

Why is poo and farting such a taboo subject and not oxygen and water? We all do both...

 

People have lies and secrets and do things we're ashamed or embarassed by. We think we are alone, and that being seen to do/like such things isn't 'normal'. Being open is giving away these 'secrets' about who we are and what we like.

 

It's either info that makes us feel vulnerable; or info that we don't want people to know... again, probably because it makes us feel vulnerable and isolated!

 

People who eat their boogers. People who bite toenails with their teeth. In reality, we have 1000's just like us.

 

Being open is just a way of accepting people are/do/want/think similar things and that we are all in the same bowl of fish here.