Ryan_1988 Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 (edited) I am 23 years old my wife is 20 going on 21. We have been married for almost 2 years. My wife has been the love of my life. I cannot imagine being with anyone else. I'll get to the point. In October of 2011, while I was deployed my wife told me over facebook that she was thinking about hanging out with a co-worker of mine who was still back at my command's headquarters. I told her I didn't have a problem with her hanging out with her friends or my friends. This guy is far from both. He is a home wrecker and I personally know he has slept with at least one married woman. So when my wife told me I informed her I was not comfortable with her hanging out with him and I did not want her around him. I thought that was the end of discussing the topic because there was not even a single dispute. The next day when I got off of work i went to check if she was online so I could get my daily chat in. She was on and we talked and she had told me that she was suppose to meet the guy for a few drinks at the bar but he couldn't make it. So he called and asked her to come over to his apartment to watch movies. My wife told me she actually went to his house and had a few drinks with him, watched a few movies and he was acting very creepy. Apparently he kept asking her strange questions (sex related) and he tried to touch her knee. She told me at this point it was late about 2-3 am and she had no way of getting home so she slept on his couch. Nothing more nothing less. Obviously when I heard this from her my heart sank. I'm not stupid and I know lonely Navy wives don't just go over to another man's home for drinks while their husbands are deployed. After confronting her over and over again she stuck to her story and has to this day. A number of arguments rose since the news broke of the situation. I have even told her before that I wanted a divorce and I couldn't believe she would betray me like that. Every time we have talked about it she just claims I am delusional and I'm the wrong one because I don't trust her. She never even apologized for spending the night at his apartment till I told her it was over (the first time I asked for divorce). The most difficult part has been when I wanted to leave I ended up thinking and thinking for days and come to the conclusion that I don't think I can leave her, even though at times I want to. I don't trust her anymore. I feel ashamed of myself and I'm still just as confused as I was in October. Most days I can block it out of my head but when i hear things on tv about spouses cheating or hear people talking about cheating i get upset and I'm in pain again. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'm out of the Navy now and getting ready to go to college using my GI bill. However I don't know if I will ever be able to trust her. We don't even make love like we use to every time we do I think of her cheating on me with the guy. I have also questioned the guy involved and threatened him with physical violence in person and he claims nothing happened. I don't know what to believe or do. Edited June 28, 2012 by Ryan_1988
Exit Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Well people who stick to their stories are either good liars or they are telling the truth. You've confronted her and the other guy about it and it sounds like you've been making an issue out of it for so long that I would think by now someone would have cracked and just admitted that something happened. But I could be wrong, maybe they really are still concealing the truth. You can only work with what you know for sure though. Forget about whether or not cheating happened, just focus on the fact that you asked her not to go see this one specific person, and not only did she, but it evolved from being an offer to get drinks, to going to his place alone. Call me crazy but I don't think hanging out with someone of the opposite sex alone in their home is appropriate regardless if clothes stayed on. The one place you can't stay is the middle of the road. You can't keep doing what you're doing. Any time the topic of cheating comes up, you feel a pain in your heart, you don't enjoy making love to your wife because you always think about it, that can't continue. Either the relationship ends or you find a way to work past it which most likely would be going to counseling, telling a professional the situation, seeing if they recommend believing your wife's story or if they are willing to talk to her and see if they can uncover some untold truth. You're not going to get over it on your own at this rate, you're not going to just wake up some day and find that it no longer bothers you. You can't keep doing this, it sounds very toxic and is just waiting to explode. It's either get a divorce or come up with a plan on how to fix this. I'm only a few years older than you and I always wanted to get married young but after the experiences I've had, I have to say I don't think there are a lot of 20 year old girls out there who are really ready for what marriage means. I hope you found yourself a real angel and if that's the case then you're good to go but if she's the typical 20-21 year old girl then I'm not sure if she'll even understand why you want to go to counseling. I think it's important to ask yourself what if you are wrong? How would you feel if you got a divorce and some day came across some indisputable evidence that nothing had happened that night? Would you be filled with regret for ending the marriage, or would you still feel like it was the best decision? This goes along with what I said above that you can only really work with the things you know for sure. If you're ready to end it just because she went over there in the first place and don't care if anything more actually happened, then you sound ready to end it. If knowing 100% either way what did or did not happen is vital to your decision, then you still have no proof and you still have both parties sticking to their story. 2
Author Ryan_1988 Posted June 28, 2012 Author Posted June 28, 2012 Thanks for the advice. I found it especially insightful about picking a lane. I have been shifting back and forth for so long. I'm definitely going to take my time to think it out. Right now, I think one of the biggest problems I have is her refusing to even face up to the offense or even attempt to right the wrong the least bit. I however don't think marriage counseling would work too well. I know my wife would go if it was a last resort to save the marriage but the minute the MC said anything slightly judgmental about her actions my wife would shut down and be done with it...and at that point even if she kept going i'd be basically going alone.
reboot Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 I think one of the biggest problems I have is her refusing to even face up to the offense or even attempt to right the wrong the least bit Now, I'm not saying this proves anything one way or the other, because it doesn't, but this is not the attitude of an innocent woman. 1
Owl Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Just by going over to his house, she smurfed herself either way. You're not going to believe her...regardless. (And I'm not blaming you, I wouldn't either) Of course she's going to stick to her story...she's got no choice at this point. There's no way she's going to change her story...she loses if she does. She's got the glimmer of hope that she keeps you if she doesn't. Odds are...you will never know anything more about that night than you do right now. The question is...what do you do in light of that awareness?
reboot Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Yup. Cheaters rarely admit to anything you can't prove.
Author Ryan_1988 Posted June 28, 2012 Author Posted June 28, 2012 I don't think i'll ever believe her till i can get some sort of proof nothing happened (which there isn't any). She tells me whenever we argue that she doesn't need to give me proof and if i really loved her I would trust that nothing happened. However I don't think that's very fair considering she's asking for trust right after betraying that same trust. The only thing I can honestly think to do at this point is get the girl a polygraph test, which she agreed to do. Then if the results come out good see a MC and try to build the trust back. Has anyone tried a polygraph before?
justpassingthrough Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 I don't think i'll ever believe her till i can get some sort of proof nothing happened (which there isn't any). She tells me whenever we argue that she doesn't need to give me proof and if i really loved her I would trust that nothing happened. However I don't think that's very fair considering she's asking for trust right after betraying that same trust. The only thing I can honestly think to do at this point is get the girl a polygraph test, which she agreed to do. Then if the results come out good see a MC and try to build the trust back. Has anyone tried a polygraph before? Why not try the MC without a polygraph? There's a reason those aren't admissible in court: they aren't 100% accurate. A false positive would be horrible, wouldn't it? The bigger issue here is respecting personal and relationship boundaries and, obviously, what it's done to trust within your mariage. You set the boundary, and she didn't respect it - simply by spending time alone with this fellow when you made it clear that wasn't acceptable. Was this an isolated incident?
notbroken Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 I was in a similar situation once upon a time. I chose to stay for the 'sake of the kids'. Honestly, I never really forgave her. It affected our relationship forever after that. For me personally, staying was a mistake that ultimately lead to years of unhappiness. I just couldn't quite trust her completely and didn't quite commit to our marriage ever again. Those were my own issues but lead to failure and an empty marriage regardless. My advice would be to tell her to disclose what happenned minute by minute (ie. come COMPLETELY clean), explain why she went there in the first place, and agree she will no longer do anything like that or tell her you are finished.
Author Ryan_1988 Posted June 28, 2012 Author Posted June 28, 2012 I don't know if it was an isolated event or not. She has told me she spent the night at his house once. I was deployed though...she could have been shacking up with him for 3 months straight I have no way to know except to go by what she says....and I don't know how true any of it is. After reading all the responses especially the last one I feel like it might be time to rip the band aid off and just move forward with my life. I'm 23 and still young I can recover from this with time. I don't want to end up being 35 with kids added to the mix and still struggling to accept the horrible betrayal she dealt me.
g450 Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Ryan, I was in the Navy for a bit back in the 80s and wanted to share something with you. Unlike the new flaky liberal civilian law, adultery is against the USMJ and your co-worker can get brig time for it. I knew of one case where a shipmates buddy saw his shipmates wife take another sailor into his apartment for the night. He reported it to him and it was reported to JAG (I think). Anyway the end result is that the Navy investigated it and literally knocked on her door. When her lover answered the door in his underwear he was handcuffed and arrested. This is heresay mostly but Im pretty sure it actually happened. At least I know that theoretically it can. The Navy takes care of it's own and having a sailor or marine bang another sailors wife is one thing is absolutely not tolerated. I also personally remember going to a house party that a married woman was having. She was drunk and all over some 20 year old sailor. And I noticed she had pictures of her husband in uniform all over the house. It made me sick to my stomach. I said something to her about it and she basically told me to leave so I left. Looking back, I was young and single then but I wish I would have done something to let her husband know.
g450 Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 One more thing Ryan, This is going to hurt a bit so brace yourself: She went there to his place volutarily. YOU KNOW why she went there. Dont fool yourself. You are still very young and you dont have kids yet. Most Navy vets will tell you that the divorce rate is something like 80% in the navy for obvious reasons. I live in an Army town and I will tell you I see married Army Wifes screwing around at the club all the time. My suggestion to you is to start thinking about ending your marriage. She has already shown you that she can not be trusted and that her judgement is flawed. And she did this during what is supposed to be the honeymoon period of your relationship. What does that tell you? It is NOT going to get better from here brother. I know it hurts but its time to think about what is important to you and to protect yourself. Do NOT even think of having children with this woman at this point in time, if ever! Good luck.
Growing Up Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I have a friend in the Navy. His job takes him away from home quite a bit plus deployments once every 12 months. He got an email from a neighbor about a car being in his driveway early in the morning that had been there before. He confronted his wife and she denied everything. When he got back, she continued to deny and that led to fights. They eventually separated but got back together. He couldn't prove that the car in his driveway while being deployed was even there and let it go. He lived unhappily for 5 yrs after that until he had an affair of his own. He confessed after his A went on for 2 yrs because he thought his AP's husband would contact his W when he found out. After his confession the W, after a week of playing the "how could you do this to me" confessed to the A she had had that she denied yrs prior and to a long term one that she was having during his most recent deployment. I feel bad for military men, in that regard. They marry at such a young age, and have no real time to get used to married life before they are broken down and built up again the way the military sees fit for their job. Wives know what they are getting into but I think the maturity level at that age can't handle the toll that the military entails. I am not a military spouse, but was raised Navy as my father retired after 21 yrs of service. I watched the daily struggles my mom had to ensure raising 4 kids mostly by herself. It was rough on us kids, constantly moving, never having lasting relationships because of all the moves but my mom and dad made it work some how. I think it was because there was never suspect of cheating. I don't know if your wife cheated or not. And the pure disrespect of staying at that mans house after you clearly made it known that you didn't want that. Did you explain why? Did you explain your concerns? Not making excuses for her but sometimes people's interpretation of something is different from how it's meant. Lost in translation happens a lot and more so as technology becomes so fast. If your W did cheat, and Has denied and you have zero proof. It's up to you to figure out if you can live with the possibility that she may or may not. You have to ask yourself if she did and confessed, would you still be willing to do what it takes to heal the marriage. If you know you would still want to be with her, tell her that. The uncertainty ruined my friends marital relationship although he stays for his kids. But his love for their mother is gone. Such a sad way to live. And after seeing his brothers die in combat, you'd think life wouldn't be taken for granted. I hope you find peace in all of this and thank you for your service. God bless you!!!
Growing Up Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 She definitely had sex with him. She admitted going to his house because she figures he will be bragging about having her over to his buddies and one way or another it will get back to you. What she told you is a cover story. No, you can't trust her. Dump her now before you waste any more years with this tramp. You Abe...are pathetic. To call this mans wife a tramp is disgusting. You are a typical emotional abuser. I have read some of your responses and you are a bitter person not looking to help by lending constructive criticism. You just spew hate and anger. I hope you're getting some IC yourself, and if so...it's not working and time to get someone else. SMH...you are just mean.
xenomorph Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 I'd like to say that I was married to my soon to be ex-H for his entire 5 year stint in the services, and I never once cheated on him. There was always a wealth of opportunity, but never did I ever feel tempted. I didn't hang out in single guy's apartments, even if they were long time friends. That's just disrespectful. Always public places, and if not, then with other friends. When you're married, there are certain social activities you just don't do out of respect for your partner. #1: do not stay at any man's home alone, especially overnight voluntarily. No one does that unless they're looking for trouble. Whether she had an affair or not is irrelevant, but what IS is whether or not you, as her Husband, are willing to work things out with her NOW. Take time to think things over and see if she's willing to work things out with you. If she can't give you a straight answer or commitment to work things out, it's time to let go. The other issue: young military married couples have a high divorce rate for a reason. They're usually just not ready. It is probably for the best to divorce now before you get in too deep (e.g. kids). The benefits and bonuses are all well and good, but not worth the suffering and drama (unless you're curious to find out for yourself, by all means...) My marriage failed because bottom line, we married young. I made it out kid-free, fortunately!
Confusedwifey Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I am an army wife myself, and to be honest, even meeting up for drinks with another man whilst my husband was deployed would be a huge no no. I wouldn't do that to my husband. Going to some mans apartment and staying there over night is a whole other issue. Also she did this against your wishes, so in my eyes that's completely wrong. There may be a chance she is telling the truth, however, my husband is the king of lies. He has lied to me so many times, and he has gone on till he's blue in the face, accused me of being the one in the wrong and had me doubting myself, after months of going on and on, even know I knew I was right he'd never admit it. Now we've separated and he's desperate to get me back he's admitted a few things (I don't believe he's admitted everything) and wow, I didn't know people could lie like that and keep it up for so long and to the extent where I doubted myself. Some people are bloody good at lying so must bare that in mind. I hope she hasn't done anything because that really is low to cheat on a deployed spouse. I think you know deep down and I think if someone is lying you know in your heart. I did, but he just never admitted it and I doubted myself. I think instinct is a very strong thing that we often ignore but really it's something we shouldn't.
AirForce22wife Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Ryan, first and foremost I definitely apologize for you having to deal with any of this especially while deployed risking your life and fighting for our freedom. This post was from last month so i'm not sure if you check it.... But I know what you're going through and it is not easy. Take one day at a time and just do what you need to do to make yourself happy. Unless your wife actually confesses if she slept with him or not you will never know the truth and it will honestly probably kill you. After reading several of the post above, you're right... You are still young and shouldn't have to be with someone with that thought of can you trust them for the rest of your life.. It is never too late to start life over. It is probably alot harder because you are married but let your wife know how you are feeling because without trust, communication, and patience your marriage will simply not work and i hate to say it but it doesn't. Hope things are better!
shiftman Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Ryan: First of all, I too would like to thank you for your service, and I applaud you for deciding to further your education. You will not regret it. Now to the issue at hand. Your wife showed a serious lack of judgment in going to this guy's apartment under any circumstances. In addition, her actions showed a lack of respect for you as well. I can only imagine the strain that a deployment puts on a marriage, but her actions are still unacceptable in my opinion. The "proof" that you are looking for simply does not exist. As another posted correctly noted, there is a reason that polygraphs are not admissible in legal proceedings. You will have to come to terms with her actions if you wish to proceed with this relationship. Otherwise, you will simply spend an enormous amount of time keeping your anger suppressed. The problem is that it will always be there - lurking in the background - just waiting for a reason to rear its ugly head. You said that you did not want to be 35 years old and in this situation. Trust me, you don't want to be 52 years old either. You are young, and have no children. Both are attributes in your favor. Should this situation continue in its present form, and somehow a child then comes into play, then the dynamics change considerably. I cannot tell you whether to stay or go. That decision is yours to make. What I can tell you is that if you want to go, I cannot imagine a better time to do it than now.
shiftman Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 my husband is the king of lies. He has lied to me so many times, and he has gone on till he's blue in the face, accused me of being the one in the wrong and had me doubting myself, after months of going on and on, even know I knew I was right he'd never admit it. Now we've separated and he's desperate to get me back he's admitted a few things (I don't believe he's admitted everything) and wow, I didn't know people could lie like that and keep it up for so long and to the extent where I doubted myself. Some people are bloody good at lying so must bare that in mind. You may have the "King of lies", but I have the "Queen". The ability of a dishonest person to somehow twist and distort the truth until somehow everything is "your fault" is simply amazing. 1
GuyInLimbo Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Ryan, first and foremost I definitely apologize for you having to deal with any of this especially while deployed risking your life and fighting for our freedom. x100 Thank you for your bravery and valor. And, wow, you guys are so young. I realize that's more the norm in certain parts of the country, but you guys are still babies in my eyes. Being my opinionated self, people aren't emotionally mature enough to enter into a healthy marriage at age 20. I don't care how long two people have known each other. (I don't want to hear about anyone' grandparents being married for 80 years...) You both need to grow and find out what you want and need out of your lives. No one knows that at 20. I wish you guys luck. And please be safe!
Author Ryan_1988 Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 I stopped reading this thread and came back to check it tonight. Since I have been going to school, meeting new friends and being around my family I feel a lot stronger than I was. I have made my decision to make a clean break. I cannot stay with someone who constantly disrespects me and doesn't care about my feelings. I'd like to thank everyone for their advice it did help out a lot. 2
SoleMate Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Glad to hear you've made a considered decision that you're happy with.
indianmom Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Having been in a similar situation and my husband denied it for a long long time. I believed him, as I wanted the marriage, until several years later I had irrefutable proof. When I confronted with that proof, he admitted. The moral of the story was that always trust your gut instinct. If your heart says that she cheated on you, then she probably did. She and he will never admit it.
g450 Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 You may have the "King of lies", but I have the "Queen". The ability of a dishonest person to somehow twist and distort the truth until somehow everything is "your fault" is simply amazing. OMG you just described my XW perfectly! To OP: You really are very young. And a good age to start over with somebody that doesnt have these issues. Better now that at 50 like me. Trust me on this.
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