Why don't you want kids?

[Pierre]

Shallow? Maybe. Realistic? Very much so.

 

Lets not pretend we havent seen relationships destroyed by a lack of sexual attraction after a wife or husband let themselves go. I cant help but be afraid of that.

 

Yep, if you only care about the looks of your mate you will be switching mates quite often. And hopefully you will never get old. It is a bitch when a shallow person gets old. They tend to get a lot of plastic surgery. You know the type?

[Pierre]

exactly this. Except Im 36 and I tend to date older men who have kids already.

 

Bio clock is ticking away. Time to rationalize!

[kaylan]

Yep, if you only care about the looks of your mate you will be switching mates quite often. And hopefully you will never get old. It is a bitch when a shallow person gets old. They tend to get a lot of plastic surgery. You know the type?

I dont only care about looks, but physical attraction is very important to a relationship. Its as important as the emotional and mental click as well. Lets not pretend it isn't.

 

And getting old doesnt mean someone has to look like crap. The kind of talking your doing is the type of talking someone does when theyve let themselves get old and crappy looking. One can be fit, sexy, and great looking despite aging.

 

And just because "we all get old" doesnt mean people shouldnt care about physical attraction. Be realistic here...healthy humans have sex drives. Thats like you telling me to date a chick with mental problems just because a lot of us will get dementia or alzheimers one day

[Leigh 87]

Not wanting kids is fine, of course, but this right here is seriously f*ed up. If you know you don't want kids, or know you do, that is information you share. Early on.

 

 

 

 

OH - I do not mean that you DELIBERATELY withhold this infortmation from a new partner~!

What I am suggestion, is if you meet a new partner, you fall in love pretty quick, and the subject of kids does not come up.

OR - what if two people meet, do not really have a preference for children and DO make it known to one another, and then one day one of them gets a real maternal insinct and DEFINATELY wants kids; where as the other does not want kids.

 

There are cases where it is not as simple as " ok, do you want kids one day or not". Some people get together, much the same way as my partner and I, without ANY plan or guarantee of kids. What if I get married to him and he wants kids one day? I sure aint having them!!!!!!!!!!!

 

People also change their minds. Would it be a deal breaker for you, if you fell in love and one of the people involved suddely wanted kids?

I would not have kids just to stay with a guy. It is not a fair reason to have the kid.

[Pierre]

I dont only care about looks, but physical attraction is very important to a relationship. Its as important as the emotional and mental click as well. Lets not pretend it isn't.

 

And getting old doesnt mean someone has to look like crap. The kind of talking your doing is the type of talking someone does when theyve let themselves get old and crappy looking. One can be fit, sexy, and great looking despite aging.

 

And just because "we all get old" doesnt mean people shouldnt care about physical attraction. Be realistic here...healthy humans have sex drives. Thats like you telling me to date a chick with mental problems just because a lot of us will get dementia or alzheimers one day

 

You wrote a great reply. However, all young folks get old. I am in my early 40s and in great condition, but I am not 20 anymore. I have the same flat abdomen I always had and actually work out more than in my 20s just to keep up.

 

Your concerns sound shallow and at some point you will have to adapt. Otherwise, you will be the old guy with a ton of plastic surgery that only dates young 20 year olds.

[kaylan]

You wrote a great reply. However, all young folks get old. I am in my early 40s and in great condition, but I am not 20 anymore. I have the same flat abdomen I always had and actually work out more than in my 20s just to keep up.

 

Your concerns sound shallow and at some point you will have to adapt. Otherwise, you will be the old guy with a ton of plastic surgery that only dates young 20 year olds.

I voiced many concerns, yet you zeroed in on the looks one. Why is that? Why is it shallow if a person ever cares about physical attraction? People need to just get with the program, stop being butt hurt or scared to tell the truth, and just be honest about what we all know. Sexual attraction is a big deal in coupling.

 

And no...When I get old...Ill be the old guy whos still active and good looking for his age, and my wife will be the same. No plastic surgeries and no women outside of 5 years of my age.

[Leigh 87]

HAHA Thanks everyone for all the responses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I wrote it quickly last night, and did not expect so many responses!

 

So, here is my final laundry list about WHY I do not want kids!!

 

- I want to travel. Whenever I want, without taking a kid with me.

- I do not want to gain 30 lbs ( the average gain). I cannot fathom being heavier than I already am.

- I want to be able to further my career and study whenever I feel like adding to my qualifications, without having to worry about looking after and bringing up a kid

- I want a lot of time to socialize, work out for a hour most days, and read a lot

- I love dogs and feel such joy in just loving them; and can still have a life that is all about me.

- I want to be able to do plenty of charitible work, in addition to my other things in life I enjoy doing working out, learning a language and other hobbies, etc.

 

Reasons TO have kids

 

- To not be alone when I die

-The joy of having kids that only mothers experience and know about

 

 

........................................................... So, it is an easy desision for me!

[Pierre]

HAHA Thanks everyone for all the responses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I wrote it quickly last night, and did not expect so many responses!

 

So, here is my final laundry list about WHY I do not want kids!!

 

- I want to travel. Whenever I want, without taking a kid with me.

- I do not want to gain 30 lbs ( the average gain). I cannot fathom being heavier than I already am.

- I want to be able to further my career and study whenever I feel like adding to my qualifications, without having to worry about looking after and bringing up a kid

- I want a lot of time to socialize, work out for a hour most days, and read a lot

- I love dogs and feel such joy in just loving them; and can still have a life that is all about me.

- I want to be able to do plenty of charitible work, in addition to my other things in life I enjoy doing working out, learning a language and other hobbies, etc.

 

Reasons TO have kids

 

- To not be alone when I die

-The joy of having kids that only mothers experience and know about

 

 

........................................................... So, it is an easy desision for me!

 

Some women can do all of the above and have children.

 

Other women have to choose one or the other.

 

BTW, why do so many childless couples treat the dogs like kids?

[Pierre]

I voiced many concerns, yet you zeroed in on the looks one. Why is that? Why is it shallow if a person ever cares about physical attraction? People need to just get with the program, stop being butt hurt or scared to tell the truth, and just be honest about what we all know. Sexual attraction is a big deal in coupling.

 

And no...When I get old...Ill be the old guy whos still active and good looking for his age, and my wife will be the same. No plastic surgeries and no women outside of 5 years of my age.

 

Trust me on this one. When you get to be over 40 the women your own age don't look so good if you are a bit shallow.

 

As for kids. It is OK to not want kids in your 20s. Wait till you are my age.

[SmileFace]

You know people can travel, have a career and enjoy life with kid’sright? It is one thing to not be able handle kids but no; kids don't actually stop anyone. It's called a choice.

[eleanorhurting]

ok i understand everyone's concerns except the weight gain thing.

 

If you are at a healthy weight before getting pregnant, the healthy weight gain is 20-25 pounds during your pregnancy. After you have the baby if you breast feed a lot of it will come off without you even having to do much.

 

I know some people gain ridiculous amounts of weight but you don't have to if you eat healthy and take care of yourself and exercise regularly. When you are pregnant you are not supposed to "eat for two".

 

I know a lot of people who have taken care of themselves and did not get "fat" during their pregnancy.

[Leigh 87]

Im undecided. Im just not thrilled about having a stressful second job for 18 years. And parenting is indeed a stressful second job despite how cute and awesome kids can be.

 

 

I do love how cute lil ladies seem to be, and love the idea of a daughter....but I dunno. Ill see what happens. And ill be honest...Im not to thrilled about all the things pregnancy will do to my love's body either. Im also scared about pregnancy wrecking my wife's figure and zapping my attraction for her. Ive read enough stories about men and womens bodies changing after kids that the sex goes way down the tubes.

 

Its funny how dudes let themselves go when they werent even pregnant though lol

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some women stay the same, look wise.

Petite chicks tend to stay fairly small. The tyoes of girls who are short i or a little shorter than average, small boned, small breasts OR the Gisele Buncheon Types of super model, that are tall and thin with extra fast metabolisms.

Those above types of women bounce back easily after pregnancy, in most cases.

Because they were thinner than average to begin with, IF they gain lasting weight, they will still not be that much bigger, and will still be thinner than average.

 

A pretty, very thin girl will look pretty much the same after pregnancy. On the other hand - girls like me, who are not that pretty and who have solid, athletic body types - will likely gain into the 150's during pregancy ( given I am 130) and not lose all the weight, and not have the looks to prevent them from becoming UN - attractive after pregnancy.

 

I digress - some dudes claim that being in love makes them want their partner bad sexually, REGARDLESS of how they look.

A LOT of average or ugly people can only attract other average or ugly people. Some ugly people fall in love, and genuinely are happy and sexually into their partners. Perhaps it is because they HAVE to pick from ugly people, that they learn that being truly in love makes you enjoy sex with that person. Such people would have to really dig deaper and explore the virtues of true love, and how in the absense of physically attraction, sex and love can still be very fulfilling.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I am not sure if I want kids or not. I am really fantastic with kids and was a Nanny for some time for different families that I built really good relationships with. My friends that have their kids say I am great with them and would make a great Mom. But I know my weaknesses and it's those things that scare me about kids, my own weaknesses. Worrying if I would have the energy to do it. But then other times I think it's pretty amazing to have this tiny little human to take care of and grow into a person. My Mom and I have such a great relationship I can see the desire to have that kind of relationship with my own hypothetical daughter or son. Some people say that for some people, when you meet the right person, you may want kids. So maybe I will if I ever find that person. I do know that I don't want kids if I remain single. I hope God has someone special in the future for me and if kids are part of that, or not, I'll be thankful either way. I figure this is in God's hands right now. Not mine.

 

But boy, sometimes I really disliked other people's kids.

[kaylan]

Trust me on this one. When you get to be over 40 the women your own age don't look so good if you are a bit shallow.

 

As for kids. It is OK to not want kids in your 20s. Wait till you are my age.

Did I not say much of what I say about kids is a product of my age. We will see if it changes though. I dunno...I can go either way.

 

Regarding looks...man if Im still in a metropolis type area like NYC, then Ill have no problem finding babes to date in my 30s or 40s. I know they are out there, as I see them out and about.

 

Hell, D-lish and Eternal Sunshine are some resident older babes as well...so they are definitely out there.

[SmileFace]

Some women stay the same, look wise.

Petite chicks tend to stay fairly small. The tyoes of girls who are short i or a little shorter than average, small boned, small breasts OR the Gisele Buncheon Types of super model, that are tall and thin with extra fast metabolisms.

Those above types of women bounce back easily after pregnancy, in most cases.

Because they were thinner than average to begin with, IF they gain lasting weight, they will still not be that much bigger, and will still be thinner than average.

 

A pretty, very thin girl will look pretty much the same after pregnancy. On the other hand - girls like me, who are not that pretty and who have solid, athletic body types - will likely gain into the 150's during pregancy ( given I am 130) and not lose all the weight, and not have the looks to prevent them from becoming UN - attractive after pregnancy.

 

I digress - some dudes claim that being in love makes them want their partner bad sexually, REGARDLESS of how they look.

A LOT of average or ugly people can only attract other average or ugly people. Some ugly people fall in love, and genuinely are happy and sexually into their partners. Perhaps it is because they HAVE to pick from ugly people, that they learn that being truly in love makes you enjoy sex with that person. Such people would have to really dig deaper and explore the virtues of true love, and how in the absense of physically attraction, sex and love can still be very fulfilling.

So ..........attractive people(the non-ugly) don't have true love?

[eleanorhurting]

Some women stay the same, look wise.

Petite chicks tend to stay fairly small. The tyoes of girls who are short i or a little shorter than average, small boned, small breasts OR the Gisele Buncheon Types of super model, that are tall and thin with extra fast metabolisms.

Those above types of women bounce back easily after pregnancy, in most cases.

Because they were thinner than average to begin with, IF they gain lasting weight, they will still not be that much bigger, and will still be thinner than average.

 

A pretty, very thin girl will look pretty much the same after pregnancy. On the other hand - girls like me, who are not that pretty and who have solid, athletic body types - will likely gain into the 150's during pregancy ( given I am 130) and not lose all the weight, and not have the looks to prevent them from becoming UN - attractive after pregnancy.

 

.

 

why do you refer yourself to as not that pretty????

 

And you are not fat. There is no proof you will gain into the 150s.

 

I think you are letting your insecurities get the best of you. But thats topic for another thread.

[Leigh 87]

So ..........attractive people(the non-ugly) don't have true love?

 

Not at all.

I mean better looking people. I said that attractive people have the LUXUARY of selecting a partner who is pleasant to look at. Where as some people are very unnattractive, and are limited to people who are not normally that pleasant to look at.

People with ugly partners, therefore, do not have the added bonus of being in love with a partner that is EASY to see the physical beauty in. THey have to look deaper, and learn how love can make their very unnatractive partners look sexually attractive to them.

 

Look - a lot of people on here claim that they HAVE to be attracted to a girl, in order to pursue a relationship with them. What about the very unnattractive people! I was simply saying that sex for the highly unnattractive people is NOT about just looks. THey have to explore their love deaper, which in turn, MAKES sex great with their ugly partner. It makes their partner beautiful to them.

[Leigh 87]

why do you refer yourself to as not that pretty????

 

And you are not fat. There is no proof you will gain into the 150s.

 

I think you are letting your insecurities get the best of you. But thats topic for another thread.

 

 

I never said I was fat. I said I have a very curvy body type, that is not thin to begin with. Gaining more weight is not something I am not comfortable with.

 

I have a high standard about physical beauty to begin with. I starved myself for a few years because I did not enjoy being a normal weight, because I find it to be unnattractive on my body.

 

I have been told that I have hormonal complications, where I will have to gain 10 - 15 lbs JUST to FALL pregnant. My body needs an excess of hormones just to generate a pregancy; hormones I lack naturally.

I AM ABSOLUTELY NOT gaining weight JUST to fall pregant.

 

Look - I am very fulfilled in my life without having kids, there is enough that will make my life rich in love, without having kids, and going through a major draw back.

And I refer to myself as not pretty, because like most women, I am average, and am a realist about it. Just as many men find me average, as men who find my face pretty. I have never had a problem finding decent men, because I do not let my face determine how I feel about my chances of success at life.

HOwever, I once had a very good body; that, combined with my very friendly and fun persona, and straight teeth, got a lot of guys to call me gorgeous, beautiful, and very good looking, all of the time.

I am not that great without a perfect body, but I know what it is like to be seen as over - all hot and attractive to most guys.

 

 

So, gaining well above my ' normal" size, when I am not all that pretty, will not be something I can " easily" feel good about. Having a kid just is not worth having to overcome something that will make me feel so bad.

[Leigh 87]

BTW, why do so many childless couples treat the dogs like kids?

 

 

I just love dogs! They feel like they are my babies. My love for them is very proufound, and they enrich my life with a lot of joy.

 

At least I do not dress them in silly clothes. My next door neighbour insisted on dressing our boy rabbits in pink dolls clothes, and calling hers " Princess". When we were about 7 - but it has put me off carrying my own chihuahua , who is a BOY, in a little bag, and putting pretty clothes on it.

 

Some women can do all of the above and have children.

 

I cannot afford to travel the world while bringing up kids.

 

I cannot work out every day for an hour, unless I could afford to put the kids in day care or get a baby sitter or have a partner who could allow for it.

 

Studying a degree is time consuming enough. I do not want to have to factor in KIDS to my study schedule, given that I also want to factor in working out, and a part time job so I can save to travel.

 

Women who WANT to literally do everything at once can. I don't, and would rather not have a million things per minute to attend to ( kids, work, study, working out, and maybe sex or having time to scratch my bum once in a while

 

I could if I wantded to - if I met the right guy. I would study, he could look after the kids at times, and I could work while I study, and also juggle kids. It is just a very unnapplealing way to live my life, therefore I would rather not have kids.

 

It is like going for a degree that requires high marks to get into and doing a prestegious degree - JUST because you " can" technically do it. I do ot want to aim to do all the things in life i want to do WITH kids just because I " could". I re ally don't want to.

 

I hope you were not alluding to women who choose not to juggle 50 000 things at once, to being too lazy, lesser people, and less admirable.

[eleanorhurting]

BTW, why do so many childless couples treat the dogs like kids?

 

 

I just love dogs! They feel like they are my babies. My love for them is very proufound, and they enrich my life with a lot of joy.

 

At least I do not dress them in silly clothes. My next door neighbour insisted on dressing our boy rabbits in pink dolls clothes, and calling hers " Princess". When we were about 7 - but it has put me off carrying my own chihuahua , who is a BOY, in a little bag, and putting pretty clothes on it.

 

Some women can do all of the above and have children.

 

I cannot afford to travel the world while bringing up kids.

 

I cannot work out every day for an hour, unless I could afford to put the kids in day care or get a baby sitter or have a partner who could allow for it.

 

Studying a degree is time consuming enough. I do not want to have to factor in KIDS to my study schedule, given that I also want to factor in working out, and a part time job so I can save to travel.

 

Women who WANT to literally do everything at once can. I don't, and would rather not have a million things per minute to attend to ( kids, work, study, working out, and maybe sex or having time to scratch my bum once in a while

 

I could if I wantded to - if I met the right guy. I would study, he could look after the kids at times, and I could work while I study, and also juggle kids. It is just a very unnapplealing way to live my life, therefore I would rather not have kids.

 

It is like going for a degree that requires high marks to get into and doing a prestegious degree - JUST because you " can" technically do it. I do ot want to aim to do all the things in life i want to do WITH kids just because I " could". I re ally don't want to.

 

I hope you were not alluding to women who choose not to juggle 50 000 things at once, to being too lazy, lesser people, and less admirable.

 

 

I dont know if it is the wording but that does not sound like a healthy way to view yourself at all.

[eleanorhurting]

i dont know if it is the wording but that does not sound like a healthy way to describe yourself at all

[aj22one]

Folks like you need sterilization.

 

haha my man, I'd get snipped but I think I'll hold off until the RISUG thing gets approved here in the states. It's more effective than a vasectomy and doesn't have any side effects.

 

For now though I think I'm aight. haha

[Leigh 87]

i dont know if it is the wording but that does not sound like a healthy way to describe yourself at all

 

 

What isn't healthy? I prefer to be thinner and would rather not gain weight to fall pregant? That is not the only reason why I don't want kids?

 

Without the right guy though, who would be able to financially make it easy for me to have a kid and not have to worry about the stresses of being a new mum and getting back into full time work again - sure, I would consider having kids.

 

The fact is, the right guy is not enough. Other things in my life would have to be in place for me to WANT kids.

for me to overcome the weight gain, my life would have to be pretty stable and going well, for me to want kids.

to have kids, I would have to be so happy in life, that the weight gain would not matter

[RedRobin]

Wow!

 

Anyone feeling this way should not have children.

 

There are alot of people who are humbled by the responsibility.

 

I think it is wise if everyone who is thinking about having children consider this.

 

IMHO, there is nothing worse than people who are arrogant or naive about their own ability to care for another human being.

 

I observe those to be some of the worst parents ever. The ones lacking in self-awareness or introspection, especially.

[Emilia]

Exactly! Many women that don't want kids simply say that to rationalize the fact they don't have a permanent mate.

 

You are completely missing the point, it's the other way around. Getting married and settling are the easiest things in the world.

 

Many women don't have a permanent mate because they don't want kids badly enough. Staying with one person for the rest of your life is a huge commitment to potential (and likely) monotony. You have to have a bloody good reason to do that. Kids are that reason of course but you have to want them badly for all the necessary compromise that being in a marriage for the rest of your life brings.

 

I know a lot of women who have children and are married (usually to their first and only husband) all of them had to compromise on things I wouldn't want to and that's because having a family was their ultimate aim.