I'm a monster, I messed up big time, is there any hope for me?

[reapwhatyousow]

I'm going to try and keep this short as possible, its a long story.

 

I'm 33 she's 29 she has a 7 year old daughter. 2.5 yrs relationship.

 

Ever since about month 3 we've fought alot. I remember it like yesterday, I told her I liked her because nothing bothered her and she was always cool....Soon after that we started arguing alot about stupid stuff. Like once I innocently asked her if she turned the Nintendo Wii on and she flipped out on me (I hadn't touched the thing in months, it was one of those "hey that's wierd, its on, did you play with it?). We were never physical with each other (more on that later...) but she always had a short fuse and I have a low tolerance for over emotion I tend to greet it by ignoring it / dismissing it.

 

We had our ups and downs. I had a running tally at one point I think 3 weeks is the longest we went without one or the other doing the silent treatment. Usually it was her, I tend to get over things quickly and forget about it. She harbors resentment like a squirrel harboring nuts for the winter. The fact that I get over things quickly made her mad sometimes as well, she'd feel i didn't take things seriously. I was a bit of a player before I met her, didn't have a girlfriend for 10 years at least, so I did have some selfishness issues as well as not being very tuned to her emotions.

 

April 2011 we broke up for a month, she felt like she needed to be with someone who had kids as well, even though me and her daughter got along great, I wasn't always as gentle and over emotional as she is with her family (she talks to her dad 3-5 times a day and they spend 1-2 minutes just to hang up with all the I love you's and such, same with her daughter I just wasn't raised that way).

 

Anyway we got back together at the end of May 2011, within a few weeks she was asking to move in with me (she was living in a roach infested house with 12 illegal alliens, she had just finished school for medical assisting but was working at a laundromat...). Despite the arguments we had I agreed. I didn't like the fact that my girlfriend lived in that environment, plus I figured the closeness would bring us together better since she lived about 20 minutes away and had a daughter we only saw each other on the weekends mostly.

 

Fast forward to Jan 4 2012, I get fired from my job, she's still working the laundromat with little to no attempt at finding a medical job. Since I got fired I thought I couldn't get unemployment so I immediately started looking for a new job. Fast forward again to March 2012, I'm still out of work, she gets her tax returns, about 4000$, I'm paying all the bills basically off my savings, she's not giving me any rent at this time.

 

What does she decide to do? Go on a girls trip to Vegas (this is a revenge thing, I took her on a trip to Vegas but it didn't go well, I'll talk about it in a future post). I'm not going to lie I was furious but I didn't really say anything until the day she left. I told her it wasn't the right thing to do, given OUR current financial situation. She would always tell me I wasn't acting like a "unit" with her and her daughter so I basically told her the same thing. Anyway, big fight, she leaves for her trip, ect ect. She's gone from Thursday morning to Monday night. Meanwhile I'm watching her daughter, taking her to school, picking her up feeding her putting her to bed, from Wednesday night till Saturday morning when her grandpa picks her up.

 

When she get's back she gives me nearly $1300 for rent she never helped with. I was suspicious, about a lot of things but mostly how excited she was before she left. She was not that excited before when we went together and that was her first time there. She had a long history of checking my phone, my computer, my pockets, whatever. I NEVER went through her ****, ever. So when she got back I installed a keylogger on the computer we use and I went through her phone...

 

I found her graciously accepting flirtatious texts with some guy she claims "is just a childhood friend" (this same thing she went furious over me doing a year earlier which i completely stopped doing) I also found about 10-15 calls and texts to some OTHER guy while she was in Vegas. She says he was also a childhood friend and was getting engaged while up there, she showed me his Facebook page and that seemed to check out.

 

The one thing I tried but failed to put behind me was I found evidence that in July 2011, when we were working on things and trying to get back together and she was asking me to move in with me, she went out on a date with another guy. I actually caught her in the act, I called her phone and she butt-answered it. I heard them talking! She had lied and told me she was at the store talking to the clerk at midnight. But since I had her bank info now I saw she was at First street billiards that night...I tried to put it ALL behind me....

 

The next month April 2012, things are going ok. We had planned a trip to go with my mom and niece to the zoo for Easter, she agrees. As the day approaches she keeps telling me how much her dad wants to do something else over and over. So I say fine, well go do what you and your dad want to do instead. We go to her aunts house and to her grannys grave then head home. We get in another stupid fight over the way I ask her to hang up my shirt. 3 days go by of silent treatment.

 

Finally she comes home, hugs me and says she doesn't want to fight anymore (this is like one of only a handful of times she has come to makeup with me instead of the other way around). We hug, I get the stupid idea to talk about how dumb it was to fight over something so silly. She insists it wasn't silly blah blah blah you know how it goes. All the sudden she starts SCREAMING at me (meanwhile I'm completely calm and getting my gym bag packed). I mean shes laying into me calling me names telling me in worthless ect ect. I continue to pack my bag, she continues screaming at me while im calmly asking her to stop yelling and then it just happens.....

 

I don't even remember how it happened really. I only remember thinking to myself ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. The next thing I know I have my right hand around her throat. I don't remember how long I had it there or how hard I was squeezing. I only remember it being there and the next thing I remember is seeing her face turning pink and thinking OMFG WHAT AM I DOING. I let go. She packs her stuff and leaves. (luckily her daughter was at school when this was happening).

 

2 weeks go by. I start going to see a therapist. Somehow or another I managed to get her back (by basically stalking her at work and alot of begging, she admits she loves when i chase her, makes her feel loved)

 

Things just weren't the same, she would get extremely mad at little things I did she didn't like. Then about 2 weeks ago I come home early from work and all her stuff is packed. She moved out.

 

We've talked a little, I've done a lot of begging. I started going to the shrink more. Started going to church with my mom and spending more time with my mom in general, haven't done that in a long time. She cries and says she loves me still and wants to come back home but she just can't right now, that the scars are still too deep.

 

She says she wants to be friends right now but I just can't do it. She will ignore my texts for days then pop up out of nowhere and want to chit chat. My emotions go completely out of control I just miss her so much....Last week I saw her and we talked. She said we need to work on ourselves alone, I said we need to work on ourselves together. I told her NC till she's ready to work on us together because I'm a complete mess when I talk to her and can't see her or touch her. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't do my job at work.

 

Do you guys think NC is the way to go here? Should I continue to wait for her at work and bring her food and gifts?

 

Feel free to let lose on me. I've got thick skin, I can take it. Plus I can't reach through the computer and choke you like the monster I am so don't hold back on me. I like the hard truths.

[gls081209]

Wow... you've got an interesting story here. I'm not going to even mention the incident that occurred because it's apparent you recognize your mistake and took the proper action to seek help for that.

 

As for the other stuff... you don't really sound like you trust each other. Going through each other's phones because you each suspect the other is doing something he / she shouldn't is not healthy. In my opinion if you wouldn't do something (and I mean here texting, e-mailing, flirting, insert whatever here) if front of your significant other, then you should being doing it. I actually consider that cheating (I use that term broader than most).

 

Relationships shouldn't be vengeful or full of jealousy. Of course everyone likes to be chased, but one shouldn't be hurting his/her partner seeking that validation.

 

I know relationships are hard, but if one is out to hurt the other and neither one trust each other, is that something you want to be in?

 

I see you've been together for a couple years and that there's a child involved, but besides those two factors along with the fear of just not having her there, what are the good reasons to be together?

 

I definitely think taking a step back, cooling off and doing no contact will help you gain a little perspective as to what you want from this relationship. Begging and the stalking is only going to continue the vicious cycle.

 

Good luck to you...

[reapwhatyousow]

Thank you for taking it easy on me.

 

As for what are the good reasons?

 

I've never cared about anyone as much as this girl. When we are not fighting, its like heaven on earth. When it's bad though....well...you see how bad it can get.

 

We're both damaged, I think that's one of the reasons we get along so well, as crazy as that sounds? Normally after we get in a fight and makeup we laugh about how screwed up we are and say that we must be meant for each other.

 

The trust thing? I've got my part to play in it. Early in our relationship I didn't know how to have a relationship. I slowly started learning (and still am) and doing better, all for her. I've still got a long way to go.

 

The thing is, until very very recently, she thought she was perfect and everything was my fault. I think that played a big role in my blowing up at her. I remember thinking when she intially started screaming during that incident "man we just made up, now where fighting again and it's going to me all my freaking fault".

 

Anyway, she claims to realize she has her part to play in it now. She claims to be doing the same things I am doing (church and therapy). I can't say for sure as I've only seen her 2 or 3 times briefly in the last month.

[AlexanderJames]

Don't think many people will let loose on you mate everyone makes mistakes.

 

As said above. Best advice is to step back and keep working on YOU. Nothing and nobody you get a hold of in life can make you happy if your not happy with yourself. Start NC and stick it out til you sort yourself out. You'll figure out where you need to go and where you want to be in time.

 

And stop being so hard on yourself too mate. A big part of gettin through a break up is forgving yourself for what you feel you did wrong. The past is the past buddy. Remember that.

Im not religious but I heard a quote in the movie cowboys and aliens that I liked.

"God don't care who you were son, only who you are". I thought it was pretty inspirational

[QuestioningEverythin]

if you love her partner, then dont give up. Im not saying stalk her by any means, but you can think of things to do. But I will tell you this, church is awesome. Relationships are hard enough already, but if you both put God into the equation it will strengthen you both. Im not a saint by no means, I have been serious about church for about 7-8 years and this is mostly due to my raising and my wife. I partied my tail off till about 24-25. But, if you can get her to go to church with you, and she takes it serious as well, I really can about guarantee you that all your problems will be solved in that department. If you can get her to meet you at church and just go from there. Not to sound cheesy, bc Im just an old countryboy from SE Georgia, but a friend of mine described the relationship that exists between you, her, and God. She told me form a triangle with your hands, the top point of the triangle is God, and the bottom 2 corners are you and your girlfriend..... the closer you get to God, the closer you and her come together. I know its corny but, I believe it to be true. Dont put your hands on her anymore of course man, yes thats bad, but if you love her... she knows it, and if she loves you... she will be back, And I think if you do start both attending church it will eliviate the temper deal and help yall in general. and btw.... I have made a many of slip in my relationship to, and as a matter of fact the situation im in now, i think would have been avoided if I hadnt backslid a little bit from church. I really hope this helps

[veggirl]

What does your therapist say about this relationship?

[reapwhatyousow]

Thank you guys for the kind words.

 

To touch on Alexander's quote, the theme in Church this past Sunday was "Your history is not your destiny". I'm going to be living proof of that.

 

Question everything, a month ago I would have thought that to be corny but I don't now. Going to Church for the first time since I was a baby was a very powerful experience for me.

 

I've never been religious, but like I said, under the circumstances I knew I needed help. I went to my mother (whom I had sort of grown apart from the last 7 or 8 years) since I had no one else once my GF left me. (I gave up all my friends for this girl so I could be there for her and her daughter, she works crazy hours including weekends). My mother had, in the last few years, turned her life around through God. She encouraged me to come to Church with her. I had nothing better to do now but sit at home so I agreed.

 

I don't think I was prepared for what was to happen to me that day. As soon as I walked in the building I started trembling, I felt the tears forming before I had even sat down. I can't remember the last time I cried. I cried through the whole service, my mother would come to me and tell me it was God turning my stone heart to flesh which made me cry even more. I've always tried to be a tough guy, nothing could hurt me.

 

At the end of the service the Pastor called for someone who has avoiding God to come up and allow him into their heart. My Mother grabbed me and took me to the front, a bunch of people surrounding me and started praying for me. They called for God to accept me, for me to accept him. They called for me to open my heart and for God to wash away my sins. They called for God to show me his love and to allow me to love like he does.

 

Needless to say I cried some more. I haven't been the same since.

 

I cry all the time now. I'm crying as I type this just thinking about that day and about what I did to my girlfriend, about all the messed up stuff we've done to each other. But I've forgiven her, it takes two to tango. She can't seem to forgive me.

 

I've asked her to go to Church with me, to go counseling with me. She won't. She's so angry right now. There's a few times when we've spoken recently where I've seen or heard the love in her voice or in her eye's that she still has for me but mostly it's just cold and calculated.

[reapwhatyousow]

Well my Therapist wants to speak to us together but she won't go with me. So he basically just focuses on helping me with Cognitive Behavior Therapy. Trying to change the pattern of my reactions to a given situation to help me break this cycle.

[QuestioningEverythin]

..... Im in the worst position Ive ever been in, in my entire life right now. So I understand how you feel. And as far as the way you felt at church, that is exactly about what happened to me years ago. My wife and I have had some problems, and if it wasnt for the Lord, I honestly dont know if we could have made it through.

 

If I have learned anything in my 20 years of experience with women, its this...... when they get extremely mad or hurt emotionally, the best thing you can do is give them their space. 2 and half years is a fairl amount of time, I doubt if you have seen the end of her. But, if you have, which I hope not, then you maybe learned something about her and you. But I know several people from CHURCH that have done worse than you, and their relationships survived.

 

Keep up the church attendance, let her chill for a week at least with NO contact no matter what she does. And see where you are at then.

[hinatticus]

I feel your pain man. I'm in the same boat. I screwed up bad. The thing is when you take a step back and really look at yourself that is when you can see your true self. How screwed up we all are! I'm in counseling as well and that has helped out huge.

All I can say is don't ever get your ex angry. ALWAYS be the bigger person. Being kind and compassionate is contagious. She will see this in you eventually. I'm 4 months post break up and I can tell you there have been strides and major setbacks. DON'T let those setbacks discourage you.

 

My ex worked late hours as well and I blamed our relationship problems on that. Truth is I control how I feel. No one else does. That is a huge thing I've learned. No matter what she says or does I will not get upset. I keep telling myself that. You should too. Scientifically speaking it takes about 21-30 days of constant practice for new behaviours to become automatic. It takes that long for new neural pathways to form and become subconscious. Just like learning how to drive stick. Point is keep PRACTICING your new behaviours(consciously) and soon you'll be a new man. That's part of your cognitive therapy.

 

Also, when you are aware of your emotions(negative ones) take a step back and look at yourself from an observer point of view. That will help in alleviating your negative emotions until you won't even be susceptible to those triggers. There's more to it than that, but that's the gist of it.

 

Our stories are similar and I thought I'd give you advice on what I'm doing. Feel free to let me know what things you've done to help between you and your ex. I'm willing to try almost anything.

Good luck

[reapwhatyousow]

Thank you QE as that is what I had planned to do, except 2 weeks. I know my girl is still in there but she has her armor on right now.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting as well right now buddy. I assume your issues are posted here somewhere also? I'll have to go and take a look.

 

Just remember the Lord has plans for you. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future! (jer 29:11)

[QuestioningEverythin]

look under "NEW POSTS" and mine is reletively close to yours on the list... its "my wife says she wants a divorce"... yeah, read that, its in 2 parts so u need to read all my posts (3 i think)... i bet u my story will definitely make you a little more hopeful for your situation.

[YellowShark]

She sounds kinda kooky. And your relationship sounds very one-sided. Perhaps she is not healthy for you, and you two are not a good fit.

 

Sometimes you just have to admit that the relationship is toxic and yours sounds like it is. Arguments, cheating, hot and cold, repeated breakups, lying, snooping, physical violence... All very toxic behavior. I would say walk away from this one.

[reapwhatyousow]

If we're both screwed up then don't we both need help?

 

Should we split up and be screwed up with other people?

 

Maybe it's because I haven't been in many long term relationships that I don't think abandoning each other is the answer to all our problems?

[reapwhatyousow]

I could really use some more input from the intelligent people around here