msnyder1977 Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 I think I might be angry too; I’m not sure. I got dumped. The woman that sent me to an Emotional Phantom Zone insisted that we were “breaking up” but it really felt like being dumped to me. We only dated for about a half a year and it’s been almost two years since I got the bad news. I am VERY aware that it is over and I should be completely past it but I care about her so much and part of me just feels so tied up inside about it that I don’t know what to do. Don’t get me wrong, I am doing much better then I was when I first got the news. I was so crushed when she dumped me that I had to call in sick at work for a day. I felt bad about lying to my boss but I couldn’t stand the embarrassment of using a personal day because I was all weepy. Also, I was so distraught that I vomited so technically... I was sick. This is my fist time posting about relationships (I find sharing a bit difficult). For months and months after she left I went to this site, and other like it, for advice on how to handle the situation. At the risk of sounding pompous, I think I’ve been doing the right things. I left her completely alone. Zero contact. She still has a few of my things but I have an Amazon account so no worries there. I’ve been working out like crazy. After the first week or so I didn’t talk about her to mutual friends and always politely corrected people when they said bad things about her in an effort to make me feel better. I was unfriended on Facebook, it really hurt, but I didn’t send her a nasty message or flip out because I understood that: A) She didn’t do it to hurt me. B) I couldn’t do anything about it. C) It was probably for the best in terms of not being able to Facebook stalk her. I promise I only did that for a few days after she dumped me. Okay, you got me: I did that for a few weeks. I’m not a big believer in karma (or anything for that matter) but my friends and sites like this had me convinced that if I did the right thing, leave her alone and work on myself that everything would work out. I still think about her a lot and it still hurts. A lot of people claim they don’t know what the right thing to do is. I find the most difficult thing to do is usually also the right thing to do. It always seems easier to do what’s wrong. Some people even feel they should receive a reward for doing what’s right when they should be doing it for no other reason then it is the right thing to do. People who think like that always frustrate me and now I find myself leaning into that territory of thought. I did the right thing and she hasn’t called. I haven’t even gotten an email. For a very long time I labored under the delusion that if I disappeared she would realize how much she missed me and run back into my arms. I was way off. That did not even come close to happen. Am I being a complete jerk because I just want a call or text or something? Did she have to get over me so quickly and completely? It’s over so WHY do I care if she’s thinking about me and why can’t I get her out of my head?
LoverOfDance Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 I never support jumping into a new relationship when you're still trying to get over a previous one but in this case, I think u may have to find someone or something to help get your mind off your ex. It's been two years. That's a really long time. You have to move on. I'm also trying to get over someone but I have two things that keep me occupied and happy - music and dance. I'm so in love with both and somehow they both help fill the void that the person I'm trying to get over has left in my heart. I'm not completely over him but I'm not sad. U need to find something that makes u just as happy or even happier than she made u. That's the only way to forget and completely leave her in your past where she belongs. If u decide to find someone, I would advice that u tell them about your situation and if they are willing to stay and help you forget her, then wonderful! Try and move on with your life. I know you've probably heard this b4 but trust me she doesn't deserve all the energy and time you're spending daydreaming about her. I have no doubt in my mind that you'll find someone better. Just take that step and let her go. 1
redplum Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 i got the same feelings , i have been married for 21 years and last year i had an affair with another woman, it lasted 4 months. During my affair i went through marriage counselling which lasted 6 weeks which was hell for me as i was seeing another woman as well. At the end of the counselling period i said good bye to my wife as i didnt want to be with her. I married her beause i got her pregnant and i thought it was the right thing to do. That same night i expressed my feelings to my girlfriend and she dumped me, i couldnt believe what had happened to me especially when she talked about being together, holidays, living together, kids etc. I lost my job beause my feelings and emotions were all over the place for her. We worked in the same building. My wife took me back after i confessed but im not happy with her and i feel i am with her just for the sake of it. I still have so much feelings for my exgirlfriend, it hurts . I know she still works there and i have left her alone but my god it hurts.
esteem-jam Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 @redplum - you know, you are very welcome to make your own thread and ask for opinions. @msnyder1977 - how come you are not angry? At first I was broken and miserable and pitied myself... now the anger phases come, like waves, daily or semi-daily or so... I like your ideas towards that we should do what is right. In our deepest, inner, core, heart we know, feel what is right. We may fool ourselves, others, but the inner being/voice deep down is always there, and always will be, wont go away... so better act so that our conscience is clear. But somewhere there you are contradicting yourself... as- if we do right, we will be happy, yet your topic title says otherwise, but thats OK. If you feel there is some of your guilt/fault in the BU- work towards forgiving yourself, and not repeating same mistakes. 1
2sure Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 If its been two years and you have been doing healthy things and have not yet come to accept it and move on...you are just not emotionally available . You are stuck. This is an Obsession. This has more to do with you than it does her or the relationship. Address it like that. You have become focused and obsessed. 1
2sure Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 If its been two years and you have been doing healthy things and have not yet come to accept it and move on...you are just not emotionally available . You are stuck. This is an Obsession. This has more to do with you than it does her or the relationship. Address it like that. You have become focused and obsessed.
Author msnyder1977 Posted June 28, 2012 Author Posted June 28, 2012 @LoverOfDance: I got laid off AGAIN recently too. Maybe that's why I'm cray down in the dumps lately. @esteem-jam: I'm not really that angry because I'm a firm believer that sometimes ****ty things happen, like someone not having the same feelings that you have for them. I'm a pessimist but even I don't think she wanted me to be hurt when she broke things off. I almost wish she was a jerk about it then I COULD be mad. If I was angry, I'm sure I would have stopped thinking about her by now. @2sure: I'm a bit confused about your comments you are just not emotionally available I thought I was being overly emotional. Please elaborate. I think (or at least hope) "obsessed" might be a bit unfair too. I haven't bugged her in any way. I didn't even ask for my stuff back (I have an Amazon account after all). You can still be considered obsessed when you leave the person alone? That SUCKS! It's not that I can't stop thinking about the time we shared so much as I can't stop thinking about where we could have been in the relationship at this point and all the fun we could have had if she had decided to stay together. Man... that looks corny written down.
NoMagicBullet Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 ... I think (or at least hope) "obsessed" might be a bit unfair too. I haven't bugged her in any way. I didn't even ask for my stuff back (I have an Amazon account after all). You can still be considered obsessed when you leave the person alone? That SUCKS! It's not that I can't stop thinking about the time we shared so much as I can't stop thinking about where we could have been in the relationship at this point and all the fun we could have had if she had decided to stay together. Man... that looks corny written down. You're in love with a fantasy. You're hooked on an imaginary relationship of what could have been. While you handled the breakup in a postive way, all this time you've been mentally dwelling on the idea of getting back together with this woman. Even now, you still want her to contact you and ask to have you back. Sorry, but it's been 2 years now -- 4 times as long as the time you were together -- and reality is that it's not going to happen. "Emotionally unavailable" means that your heart/emotions are tied up elswehere (in your case, attached to a fantasy), so you aren't truly available to anyone -- you can't be fully present in the moment with another person, and I think you might be having trouble being present in your own life. 2sure is absolutely right -- it's not about her and whatever you are or aren't doing with regard to contacting her, it's about you not being able to let go of the past and move on with your life. If you've recently been laid off, I don't know if you have the benefits, money or other resources to get some counseling, but I strongly recommend it, if you can. Two years is a long time to be hung up on someone you dated for about 6 months, and there are plenty of other women out there you could have an awesome relationship with, if you weren't holding on so tightly to the past. Something to consider: you believe that things would have been great of the two of you had stayed together, but obviously, she had a different, less optimistic view of what staying together would be like, and so she ended things. Also, you can never be certain that the relationship would have been wonderful if you'd continued seeing each other. You're feeding yourself a happy image of what could have been, but it also could have been miserable in ways that you don't imagine. What could have been doesn't matter now -- it's time to stop dreaming and move on with your life.
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