tenacioustommy Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Hey guys, This is my first post ever on this forum and after procrastinating for weeks I've finally decided to come here desperate for help and advice after seeing all the support in this community. Its been a tough 2 months for me and I'll go straight to the story: My gf and I have been together for close to 2 years and she is the girl I have loved the most of all the ones I dated. I saw myself being with her forever but I have always been commitment phobic and thought that our age difference meant we were hardly on the same page. I'm 23 now and she is 21. I recently graduated and she is still in school. She's in a sorority also btw. Now I broke up with her 2 months ago for reasons being that I got uncomfortable with her in a sorority and that she was so involved that it was taking a toll on our relationship. To the best of my knowledge, she has always been very faithful to me when we were together and even though she was in a sorority, I don't think she ever cheated. But I had my insecurities and I thought me being out of school and moving on the real world while she was being a sorority girl meant that we would drift apart. I made the decision to break things off with her and she was very hurt over it. 2 weeks after we broke up, she finally admitted to me that she slept with a friend of a friend. It was the most sick to my stomach feeling because it happened so soon and I thought she would at least give our 2 year relationship the respect it deserved and wait out longer. She told me she was drunk hanging out at the bar and couldn't drive home so he offered for her to come back to his place and sober up. When she went back he started to make moves on her and she says she resisted at first (who knows) but finally gave in. I asked her to be honest and tell me all the details. She insisted that she did not give him head and it was just intercourse (she's always believed that oral sex is only for boyfriends). What I really challenge is that she told me she stopped it after about 5 minutes because she said she wasn't attracted to the guy and didn't feel like doing it any longer. Is that really possible that she stopped it? And what really ticks me off is that after she stopped it she put her clothes back on slept on one side of the bed and spent the night there (she says she wasn't good to drive home safely). We go through weeks of fighting and mending and me regretting breaking up with her and just wishing this nightmare never started. She cries and pleads and begs for another chance with me, telling me that she just wanted to stop hurting and move on. She claims she wanted to forget me and stop loving me so she thought hooking up with someone would help. I couldn't look at her the same way knowing she went all the way with someone else. I felt like had she waited a little longer and not had sex so soon it wouldn't have bothered me as much to know about it months later. 2 weeks is just too soon to me. So I asked her if she had come clean and told me everything I need to know and she says she did. We went to Vegas together during memorial weekend and amazingly bonded again. It seemed like we rekindled and I told her I was ready to forgive and forget the past. When we came back from the trip, I asked her how it was in the morning when she left the guy's house. I insisted she tell nothing but the truth or just don't ever talk to me again. She confessed that she had morning sex with the guy because he kept pushing for it in the morning. She admitted that she was horny and caved in and just wanted to get over me (same excuse). She cries and tells me how retarded she was and how wrong it is. I lash out and got angry at her for lying to me and not telling me about this part from the beginning. Why did she have to deceive me? Her reasoning was that she was scared if I knew about the morning sex I would not take her back and she was scared to lose me forever. Since finding out about this whole thing I have changed my mind so many times about taking her back or letting go. My heart longed for us to be amazing and close again but my mind told me things will never be the same. She's the one ex I haven't been able to let go. She's very pretty and sexy, although I know I could do even better being pretty decent looking myself. I told her I don't know if I'm ready to forgive, but she insists that I be patient and give her time to prove herself because she wants to be with me and make things better if I give her a 2nd chance. I won't deny that we're both deeply in love with each other. So to summarize: why I should stay with her: 1. We're in love and obsessed with each other 2. The sex is amazing 3. I broke up with her, that's the only reassuring part in this situation..I def would not be here posting and asking for advice if she broke up with me 4. She's a super sweet, kind-hearted, and caring gf 5. She's always been faithful and told me ever since that one night stand she hasn't let anyone get between us and she refuses to talk to other guys because I'm the only guy she wants. 6. If I get myself to believe that she did what she did was to get over me and stop hurting (she did try to get me back after I broke up with her) why I shouldn't: 1. She lied to me and didn't tell me the complete story at first; this greatly bothers me almost as much as her having that one night stand, I feel like I can hardly trust her words and I'm doubtful all of a sudden about even the little things 2. 2 weeks was way too soon 3. She's still in a sorority for 1 more semester finishing up her position, but told me she's done with sorority life after this last semester 4. I feel like we're not the same and I have no idea how I can stop looking at her this way like she's a slut or something even though I know at her core she's not a slut. I've been heart and gut wrenched over this for weeks. I just wanna know if you guys think this can be saved and is worth saving or am I wasting my time and should just move on. Please help out. Thanks everyone.
Trimmer Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 (edited) Boy, dude - you must have hit a nerve.... Here it comes: Now I broke up with her 2 months ago for reasons being that I got uncomfortable with her in a sorority and that she was so involved that it was taking a toll on our relationship. To the best of my knowledge, she has always been very faithful to me when we were together and even though she was in a sorority, I don't think she ever cheated. But I had my insecurities and I thought me being out of school and moving on the real world while she was being a sorority girl meant that we would drift apart. I made the decision to break things off with her and she was very hurt over it. Let's stop right here for a minute. I want to highlight that you broke up with her. 2 weeks after we broke up, she finally admitted to me that she slept with a friend of a friend. It was the most sick to my stomach feeling because it happened so soon I'm questioning why she's telling you this when you guys are broken up, but I can understand that it would have been hard for you to hear. But I want to reiterate: you broke up with her. You guys were broken up. At your choice. She cries and pleads and begs for another chance with me, telling me that she just wanted to stop hurting and move on. She claims she wanted to forget me and stop loving me so she thought hooking up with someone would help. I couldn't look at her the same way knowing she went all the way with someone else. I felt like had she waited a little longer and not had sex so soon it wouldn't have bothered me as much to know about it months later. I think you're fooling yourself. Because I think that whether it was 2 weeks or 2 months, even though you "broke up", you were still acting like she owed you something, like you guys were still together. We went to Vegas together during memorial weekend and amazingly bonded again. It seemed like we rekindled and I told her I was ready to forgive and forget the past. When we came back from the trip, I asked her how it was in the morning when she left the guy's house. I insisted she tell nothing but the truth or just don't ever talk to me again. Are you getting the irony here, that in the next sentence after you've said that you were ready to forgive and forget the past, you tell us how you were pressing her for more details about her hookup with this guy? I think when you say things like "I'm breaking up with you" or "I'm ready to forgive and forget", you aren't really following up by acting like you mean them... It's like you're throwing them out there as experiments, with secret expectations that you are testing to see if she passes. She confessed that she had morning sex with the guy because he kept pushing for it in the morning. She admitted that she was horny and caved in and just wanted to get over me (same excuse). She cries and tells me how retarded she was and how wrong it is. If this were my daughter, I'd be upset that she lacks self-confidence to the degree that she's put herself in the position of apologizing for choosing to have sex with someone at a time when she was not in a committed relationship. I lash out and got angry at her for lying to me and not telling me about this part from the beginning. Why did she have to deceive me? Her reasoning was that she was scared if I knew about the morning sex I would not take her back and she was scared to lose me forever. Or alternately, it could be that she felt instinctively (and correctly) that her sexual activity, after you decided to break up, is none of your damn business. Since finding out about this whole thing I have changed my mind so many times about taking her back or letting go. My heart longed for us to be amazing and close again but my mind told me things will never be the same. She's the one ex I haven't been able to let go. She's very pretty and sexy, although I know I could do even better being pretty decent looking myself. Oh my... if I had any shred of sympathy left for you at this point, that last statement just evaporated it. You need to put a $10 bill in the douchebag jar. I told her I don't know if I'm ready to forgive, but she insists that I be patient and give her time to prove herself because she wants to be with me and make things better if I give her a 2nd chance. I won't deny that we're both deeply in love with each other. If that's the case, then WTF was the breakup for? Were you just running a test? An experiment? why I shouldn't: 1. She lied to me and didn't tell me the complete story at first; this greatly bothers me almost as much as her having that one night stand, I feel like I can hardly trust her words and I'm doubtful all of a sudden about even the little things 2. 2 weeks was way too soon 3. She's still in a sorority for 1 more semester finishing up her position, but told me she's done with sorority life after this last semester 4. I feel like we're not the same and I have no idea how I can stop looking at her this way like she's a slut or something even though I know at her core she's not a slut. Oh man, we're supposed to be civil here on LS, but now you're just pissing me off. Here's the deal, stated in as civil a way I can imagine: your behavior toward your girlfriend and your emotions about this are immature. I'll say it again: you two were broken up, and just to emphasize it further, you broke up with her. So if she decided, at that point, to go out and exercise her sexuality, she gets to own that. Don't you dare turn that into "...like she's a slut." Grow up a little - grow up a lot. Just because this woman chose to exercise her sexuality, and just because suddenly you're hurt that a situation you created went sideways and unexpectedly out of your control, you don't get to turn your anger (which should better manifest in some serious self-reflection on your part) upon her by lashing out and making her a shameful wrongdoer and a slut. Shame on you... I've been heart and gut wrenched over this for weeks. I just wanna know if you guys think this can be saved and is worth saving or am I wasting my time and should just move on. Please help out. Thanks everyone. Look, I know you were probably hoping for some comforting support, and I'm sorry, but you just really pushed some buttons there. I think that unless there were additional conditions to this "break up" which you haven't filled us in on, you are experiencing some understandable feelings of confusion, but you are really coming off as somewhat emotionally immature (and I don't mean like a 3-year old, I just mean "not fully developed yet.") You broke up - that means "not BF/GF" any more. What were you expecting that meant? To most everyone that means you both move on with your lives. Yes, 2 weeks might seem kinda soon, and I understand you might have confusing feelings about that, but that doesn't make it a betrayal on her part, and you are not in a position to judge (or offer forgiveness, for that matter.) You had every right to choose to end your relationship, but once you did, you gave up your rights, your control, and your expectations, over a relationship that did not exist any more. Now, I also think she is somewhat immature as well. If you decided to leave her, that's fine, but at that point, her life and her sexuality belongs only to her. She should be able to feel like what she chose to do 2 weeks or 2 months or 2 years later belongs to her. Like I said, if she were my daughter, I would want to tell her: "Tell him that it's none of his f---in' business, and don't ask his forgiveness, if he's arrogant enough to expect that it needs to be given." But I imagine that she's still pining for you, and welcomes any chance at reconciliation, so she is presenting this as a "mistake" and something she wants you to forgive. I wish she had more self-respect, that she could feel like she owns what she did on her own terms, and that she had every right to do it if it's what she chose to do, and that she doesn't have to re-cast it into a "mistake" just because you have suddenly reversed course, and she needs to appease you to get you back. So your final question: Can it be saved, is it worth saving? On your side, you will need to be able to get past what she chose to do, and you clearly aren't there yet. You told her you would forgive and forget, and subsequently - almost immediately, it seems - failed to do so. I think we can't escape the idea that you feel like you still owned her, like you were still committed to each other during that time. So I propose that your recovery depends on your ability to see that she deserved to do what she did, that she gets to own it, and you don't. Your being able to recognize that might - might - let you move forward in a way it won't continue to eat at you or sit dormant for a long time, festering until it eventually blows up again and you throw it back in her face some time in the future - like in an argument, or using it as a "get out of jail" card, as an excuse to leave her again if you get scared again, or if the going gets tough. You would need to allow her to own it fully, and allow her to deserve it, and give up any claim of ownership on your part or betrayal on her part. Whether you can do that is up to you, but it would have to start with a recognition on your part that you could change your view of her actions. I recognize that you may not believe the same way I do about it, and if that's the case, then you will continue to see this as a betrayal - to see her as "looking like a slut". And if that's the case, then the answer to "can it be saved" looks a little different, because then the process on your part looks more like recovery from being cheated on, and that's a much rockier prospect. I also think that this scenario presents less hope for a healthy relationship dynamic in the long run, because successful recovery of the relationship in this scenario would require her to appease you by taking on a kind of a submissive role - asking for forgiveness, working hard to reassure you, always walking on eggshells - and I think it kinda sucks that someone who already lacks confidence in her position in the relationship should be further weakened by being pushed into such a submissive role that (I believe) she doesn't deserve. Finally, I want to point out that the reasons you claimed you broke up with her basically amounted to "because she's in a sorority" and a bunch of excuses around that, even though you grant that you have no reason to believe that she had been unfaithful to you while you were in the relationship. Again, if she were my daughter, I would tell her that if she likes living in the sorority, and if it is a meaningful part of her life and her college experience, I wouldn't advise her to give it up just because her boyfriend is vaguely uncomfortable with it for fuzzy reasons. And I would tell her that a stand up guy would want her to have the most fulfilling college experience possible, which includes supporting her choices around that social aspect as well. Edited June 28, 2012 by Trimmer 3
Exit Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 I'd be totally on your side and understanding of this situation if it weren't for the fact that you broke up with her. I practically went through this exact same situation with my last ex, except she was the one who dumped me. The entire time we were apart, she kept saying she wanted nobody else, kept hanging out with me, slept with someone else, then ended up agreeing to get back together on the condition that she told me the whole truth, but after being back together I kept getting more and more "truth" out of the story and in the end it did not work out. Not trying to hijack the thread by telling my story I'm just trying to let you know how very similar these situations are. She basically doesn't owe you any explanation at all considering she got dumped. I don't even understand why there was still contact between the 2 of you 2 weeks after the breakup or how the topic came up, but for some reason she told you. Although she may have lied about the details, she could have lied about the entire thing and never told you at all. It will be very hard for you to continue with her because you see her differently now. You pretty much have to accept it doesn't matter if she screwed the guy 50 times and who cares if "blowjobs are only for boyfriends" (sorry that part made me laugh), she did what she did because she was hurting from being dumped and you are the one who did that. You either accept that you created this nightmare and understand that she is not a whore, or you just let it go. I think it will be too hard for you to stop seeing her in this new light. It was hard for me, I wanted so badly to forgive my ex and continue to be together, but I could never forget how she lied and that she had been with someone else. But again the main difference here is that I was the one who got dumped. I don't know what exactly you expected after ending the relationship with her but there's no reason to believe there would be so remaining sense of loyalty to each other or that she wouldn't end up in someone else's bed relatively soon. It sounds like you broke up with her but didn't really want it to be over and were just hoping she would get a wake up call from getting dumped and beg for you back. Instead the plan backfired and she found a different way to cope with her sorrows. If you wanted to stay together, it should have nothing to do with her continuing to have to explain the story to you, or worrying about how truthful she's being. I see it as a pretty even score, you dumped her, she slept with someone else. You give each other a free pass for making really stupid mistakes and you leave it all behind you. That will be really hard to pull off and more than likely not possible... you'll be worried if you can trust her and she'll be worried that she's going to get dumped again. Fear will not make for a good relationship.
leoc1973 Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 I don't think you are going to be able to have a long lasting relationship with anyone. You seem to love yourself a little too much. You broke up with her probably expecting her to quit the sorority and it backfired on you. You should never leverage your love and relationship to control someone. And then the other thing you said really sounded funny to me. You said she's pretty and sexy and caring and sweet but you can do better. Like seriously? What is she like an 8 and you totally think the world owes you a 8.5 or 9? Then you probably asked her 900 times about what really happened that night while she was single and she could do as she pleases. How can she dare touch another guy after you ripped her heart out and she was looking for some comfort from the world and to feel like she mattered to someone because the guy she probably loved more than anything in the world threw her out like a piece of garbage. When my ex dumped me within weeks I went out and slept with several women. I wish I had taken pics or video to send her.(not really) In summary 1. kiss her ass and beg her to forgive you for hurting her 2. stop looking at her and feeling like you can do better.(there's always someone hotter) 3. The woman that you love loves you and did nothing wrong so stop whining and just be glad you have someone. 4. Don't make her quit the sorority cause she will hate you some day for it. 5. Ya better not dump her again cause she WILL bang another guy! (and its her every right to) Women are people too! Stop trying to manipulate her by threatening to dump her. cause even tho you think she is completely in love with you inside you will lose a little piece of her till she hates you and finds someone who appreciates her.
Boynextdoor Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Women are people too! Stop trying to manipulate her by threatening to dump her. cause even tho you think she is completely in love with you inside you will lose a little piece of her till she hates you and finds someone who appreciates her. I one initiated space from my ex 2 mo's ago to take advantage of the situation of not seeing each other due to her preparation for boards and my issues/monsters that ive been dealing with which she doesnt have any idea of! (family,debts,things that I wanted to handle myself and not make her worry and make her focus with her BOARDS) she took it differently and broke up with me. My initial reaction is to run after her. Because it was never in my intention to leave her and such. It validated her reaction further from LC to NC. Now im here healing...
Boynextdoor Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 (edited) Women are people too! Stop trying to manipulate her by threatening to dump her. cause even tho you think she is completely in love with you inside you will lose a little piece of her till she hates you and finds someone who appreciates her. last thing id ever think of is to play with her emotions. Edited June 28, 2012 by Boynextdoor
favoritepills Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 (edited) Trimmer, I wish I could become a fan or something, because damn. EXCELLENT response. All my thoughts on this situation have already been said. I do want to mention that this totally reminds me of this Grey's Anatomy quote: "I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore." Dude? You don't get to call her a whore. Edited June 29, 2012 by favoritepills 1
MooBear Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 Trimmer, I wish I could become a fan or something, because damn. EXCELLENT response. All my thoughts on this situation have already been said. I do want to mention that this totally reminds me of this Grey's Anatomy quote: "I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore." Dude? You don't get to call her a whore. That is a stellar quote. There's nothing I can really say that these guys haven't already said but I do want to say one more time so it hits - YOU broke up with HER. She shouldn't apologise for what she did, you weren't together at the time so really, it's got nothing to do with you! I know that you're hurt, and I can imagine how much it does hurt BUT you should've thought about that before you made her single. There's no timeframe on rebound sex. She could've walked outside after the breakup and hooked up with the first guy she saw and, even though that would be a little harsh, you don't get to make her feel bad. You're punishing her because of your own mistake. Best thing you could do right now is apologise to her for being such an utter asshat to her, tell her she did nothing wrong, and then leave her to get on with her life. And then you learn from this experience so next time, you don't set a girl free when you still want to be with her.
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