it feels like I am losing myself by being with him. we didnt break up after all

[zanzi]

So after we got back home from an incredibly depressing day in which I cried at the supermarket whilst thinking about how I just wanted to be happy and not hurt him in the process ( was gonna break up with boyfriend) obviously we saw each other as we were going to "talk" once we both got back home and what I anticipated might happen would happen.

 

We are still together. I allowed it? I wanted it or not? I don't know. I know what he's up to. He pretty much is using all his smarts to avoid being dumped. Isn't that manipulating me?

 

I know he doesnt want to be hurt. Nobody does. Great so he gets what he wants but what about me? Did I want it?? Does he even care as long as he "has" me. Its because we live together. But I am still pushing him away. Today he said supposedly as a joke " I want you to read the kiwi housewife book so you know what to do when I'm out on the farm."

 

As much as I love him, folding someones laundry for the rest of my life is not my dream. Hell no.

 

I was like "get ****** I'm not going to be your housewife, I'm working on getting a degree!" I am trying to deal with my studies and to be honest a boyfreind is just a distraction, doesnt matter how great the person is, he is just be distracting me. I have stopped practicing music and all. My so called friends do not like him. My best friend doesnt " trust" him and had backstabbed me about it. All the people in my class at uni think he's a distraction and want me to " come back" to school and pass ( I was away for two weeks on family business and then got sick with flu for a week when I got back). I tell them to keep their noses out but oh my god, they get me down and they make me doubt my relationship. Not that I haven't often doubted it on my own.

 

He says I am pushing him away. Maybe our attatchment to each other and the living situation is why we got back together, if so what is the point of running in circles, I feel like I need to be 100% commited to a person and I sometimes have thoughts that make me feel guilty. About my horrible ex, the one who makes me wish I had something to wipe my memory with whenever I see him. wanting to TALK to that guy. I say to myself hast thine brain been runneth over by a bus? For wanting to.

 

I'm over this whole stupid hamster wheel situation. I spoke to my MOTHER today.(rare) goddam mothers are scary. and she keeps talking about how when she was first married she sometimes wished her partner would just piss off. is she saying I should ride out these insecurities?? We aren't married. why do I have to keep everyone else happy????? My friends want me to be the single wild child I was before I met my mister and rave with them, he wants me to be his companion in his life, I just want everyone elses desires to piss off so I can work out my own. i don't know what I wan't and I am usually a very assertive person. That scares me, it feels like I am losing myself by being with him.

[Gulf-Delta]

Relationships are work.

 

If you don't wanna work at the relationship, stop wasting this guys time and leave.

 

It sounds like you have unrealistic expectations.

[zanzi]

clarify.

I told him I didnt want to be together. I told him it was a waste of time already :/

[Gulf-Delta]

clarify.

I told him I didnt want to be together. I told him it was a waste of time already :/

 

It sounds like you may want to leave because your current relationship doesn't live up to whatever expectations you have.

 

If it's a waste of time, why are you still there?

[wilsonx]

Sounds like your biggest problem is you dont want to be alone.

[zanzi]

mm no I just dont want to be in a relationship with someone I don't love.

Agreed Wilsonx, Agreed.

[zanzi]

Because- because, I imagined him crying and in pain because of my selfishness however short that may be is why I'm still there. i know what it feels like to be broken up with and it is ****ing ****ty painful **** and I cant do that to him.

****.

[wilsonx]

Because- because, I imagined him crying and in pain because of my selfishness however short that may be is why I'm still there. i know what it feels like to be broken up with and it is ****ing ****ty painful **** and I cant do that to him.

****.

 

You have to, you dont love him so let him GO be free to find someone he can and will love.

 

Being alone isnt so bad you will get use to it