ssmith3427 Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 (edited) My ex broke up with me about 4 weeks ago today, it’s a lonely feeling living in a house you once shared, even decorated together, and it’s her colour schemes to! :/ We were together for 6 months, she was my first love (I’m 28, late bloomer lol, she is 20), and we spent almost every waking second together, bar the last 3 weeks in which she seemed to be much happier/more interested in spending time with her new friends. Then the dreaded day comes.. after a 1 day break :/.... she decides that we are not vibing anymore, there is no “spark,” and that there never was, and she needs this spark. My reaction was let’s work through it, I’m still the guy you fell in love with, we can work it out, let’s try. She was having none of it. This is what makes the breakup so hard for me. I am so optimistic and naturally hopeful in life, tied in that I hate giving up, makes a deadly cocktail that makes it near impossible to get over my ex. I keep hoping and feel that I want her back, and that I can make things work. I was a pushover in our relationship. I paid for everything, her food, college, phone, clothes, trips out, rent, bills (we did live together, she didn’t work), I always let her have her own way. Didn’t so much stand up to her even when I knew I should have put my foot down and told her, and even when she was wrong I tried to back her up. I always considered myself to be a good partner in a way that I can enhance my partner’s life greatly. Just I couldn’t with her, she was so un-coachable, I found it difficult to share any “wisdom” as such with her. I do see my mistakes.. in hindsight :/ There were major red flags early on, but I chose to ignore them, another mistake and I kind of know we thought very differently, she is not a great thinker, not bashing her, just being honest. So it has hard to discuss deep things with her. We always had a good time together, but anything deep was hard to discuss because we thought so very different. I know right now she is trying to hook up with a number of guys, and she has sleeped with at least one person. I have lost all respect for her.. she is not learning from the breakup, whereas I know I am “stuck” figuring out myself for the next 6 months. I can’t see her finding a classy guy, just ur typical chavey bad guy that treats her bad because as stunning as she looks (she is exceptionally good looking), she comes over as a bit desperate, and shallow, and then maybe she will realize what she had was worth fighting for. As a side-note, I think she will contact me within the year. But here is the kicker, despite knowing we are very different, I do still love her unconditionally, and want her back.. and being such an optimist, I believe I can fix my errors and if I was more “me” I believe we would still be together. All my family members could see this coming.. I don’t understand why I want her back.. and deep down I know I can make it work.. I want to just be able to give up on her!!!! She was a bad girlfriend... but still I want her :/ Lastly, I am so motivated... more so than ever, but sadly, I am motivated to show her what she is missing in 6 months time, and not to do it for myself, but to “show her” she made a mistake. My pride and self worth is in bits right now. Feels like I have been schooled, and I want my revenge.... Edited June 27, 2012 by ssmith3427
Philosoraptor Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Well she doesn't sound mature enough for an adult relationship. She's still growing and likely isn't ready to be tied down. Work on yourself and make no effort to get her back. If she comes back around on her own you can figure out what you want to do at that point. But for not just move on as if you'll never see her again and work on whatever is necessary in your own life. Treat yourself well and find patience. You'll find that it will help you move on in the most efficient way possible.
flitzanu Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 hehe, you said "chavey". that's such an awesome insult, "chav". anyway, you mentioned she isn't "learning anything from the breakup", she doesn't have anything to learn. she wanted to break up with you so she could go experience life as a single chick. at least be glad she had the decency to dump you before she started this behavior.
Mallow Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 She took you for granted. You spoiled her and she walked out in return. As other posters stated, she isn't mature enough for an adult relationship. I would take time off to work on yourself and build more positives. You deserve 100%, don't settle for anything less. I suggest you stick to no contact and move on.
Author ssmith3427 Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 I agree that she probably is not ready for a adult relationship, I think I was thrown off by the way she mentioned marriage, kids, and family. I thought she was happy, but clearly not. It annoys the hell out of me that I am sure she had thought about this 3-4 weeks prior. Wish she would have told me so we could work at it together, I don't think it was easy for her, she said I was everything she wanted, best boyfriend ever, which means nothing now. I have learned so much from her, more so than anyone else in my life, a million lessons inflicted by one person. I am glad I met her because I am a much better person for it, a new person as such, just this new person still loves her and misses her deeply. By calling the guys I think she will attract "chavs" is by now means an insult to her, I don't enjoy putting her down, I just know she will end up with a string of boyfriends that don't treat her right. If I was put on the spot, and my maker said do you wish Chantelle had a bad life I would say no. Infact I have prayed that I hope she ends up happy even if it is not with me. But that is being put on the spot, right now I just want to get fit again, make my business succeed, work on me, get my friends back, get a new image, and spend more time with family. But a lot of this is because I want to show her in 6 months what she is missing, because she will find out that the grass is not greener on the other side. I am so motivated to succeed right now, I just wish that I was doing it for me, and not to make her jelous. I think part of it is that I am so optimistic that I think... She will come back in 6 months, see a brand new me, and bam! I have a second chance with my first love. Logic says she is not the person for me, but my heart longs for her. I don't intend to contact her because in my mind I know she will break no contact, it's my gameplan and I guess it is easy to do no contact because in the grand scheme of things she will come to me. My pride and dignity is shot, maybe I want some type of revenge, the power as such, but I don't know. I do not wish her a bad life, but a hate her right now... I just wish I could give up on her! but how can I give up when it is not in my nature? How can I give up something I love? I don't know but I know if I don't I will wreck my life. I hope she learns from this breakup but she is young and already sleeping around, which tells me she has not learned anything.
LovelyDaze Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 I'm glad that you have the logic of your ex being bad for you. Your heart is always going to ignore the sensible brain when it comes to emotions. If you like this sad feeling you have now, keep adding another weight of heartache to that every time you bring her back into your life because that is what is going to occur. A thunderbolt won't hit her and she will be struck with maturity and respect for you and herself. She will learn by trial and error. You can't help her with that. Let's not calling it "giving up on love" but getting back a chance at true love and happiness. You keep pushing that chance down the garbage can the more you stay with someone who can't love you like you deserve. 1
flitzanu Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 also don't wish that she "would have told you" so you could "work at it together" because that's not what she wanted. the hardest thing for you to realize right now (that's taken me ages to see clearly) is that there's nothing YOU could have done at the end to change any of it. she's had this in mind for longer than you realize, and it's what she wanted to do. you weren't going to be able to talk her out of it. everything you're saying sounds great, that you need to focus on YOU, but do NOT do this just to "show her in 6 months". do it because it's the right thing to do, and hope for your own sake that you won't even remember her name in 6 months.
Author ssmith3427 Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 Lovely you are right, I think if I let her in my life again it would cause me to be more unhappy at this point. Can't live with her, can't live without her :/ It's only been 4 weeks but I put so much into the relationship that I lost my sense of self, it's good to rediscover that and get back to my roots. One thing that has already changed is the way I view her, I see her as emotionally immature, and she wouldn't be my "princess" anymore, she would be a woman. I'd always be watching my back and wondering if she could do this to me again. I accept that people can change, and maybe it could work when she reaches 23+, and has lived a bit more, but that is a long time off, and I'm sure I will be long gone. I don't know if I want to forget her because she has inflicted so much on me, I can see myself coming out of this in 6 months literally x10 the person she fell in love with. She is my first love, and I may always have feelings for her, she wants to be friends, but I just can't, when she left I lost my best friend and my girlfriend. But I can't just sit with her and not want to cuddle her, tell her she is beautiful, I can't be number 10 in her life, it's to hard. Will I ever be able to be friends with her, or will I just inflict more pain on myself? I love the way you phrased your last paragraph, and your right I do deserve true love and happiness, she can't love me the way I loved her, and for that reason we can't work. 6 months of self improvement and figuring me out and I will hopfully look to date again, but at the moment the concept of woman just drains me. I so a woman yesterday and thought she is nice, then instincitvely thought.. getting to know her would be so draining. Flit, I think you are right, she didn't want to work at it, which makes me wonder why? I'm the same person she fell in love with. If she cared about me she would have wanted to make it work, and yes she most likely did make the decision a long time ago, just I was the last to know. I hate her for that, truly... Your right at the time I thought I was the perfect boyfriend, but in hindsight, I could have done many things different, and the situation may have been different. But, life is harsh and does not work like that, I guess I did all I could, and there is no second chance :/ I think I am scared. Scared that I gave my best to someone that is a little desperate and had many partners, and from what I have read seems very easy. I am not enjoying bashing her here at all, I don't want to but want to get to my point. If I can't keep this kind of person when I gave it 110% of my effort, then what does that make me? I do feel like a loser because my best was not good enough in the end. Self-esteem and pride is rock bottom, right beside self-worth... How can I get this back knwoing that my best was not good enough?
Chi townD Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Lastly, I am so motivated... more so than ever, but sadly, I am motivated to show her what she is missing in 6 months time, and not to do it for myself, but to “show her” she made a mistake. My pride and self worth is in bits right now. Feels like I have been schooled, and I want my revenge.... Dude, you are me. I was so motivated to prove my Ex wrong. And I did. I became successful and I became everything that she said I wasn't going to become. But, here's the kicker. About a year into my plot in proving her wrong, I was no longer doing it to prove her wrong, I was doing it for myself. She wasn't even a factor in it anymore because I was doing the work, I was the one going to school, I was the one excelling in my career path. She had nothing to do with it. First thing you need to do is redecorate that house. Make it yours. Get new furniture or move the existing around. Re-paint the place to the colors that YOU want. Make it your place so when you walk in the door it's like walking into a new house. That's a good place to start.
Author ssmith3427 Posted June 28, 2012 Author Posted June 28, 2012 I thought that with time I may end up better'in myself for me rather than to show her what she gave up, and I hope that I manage to stay on track like you. One day I will do this for me, but for now my fire comes from proving her wrong. Your right I am going to redecorate, shame is that I hate decorating lol.. Will get a few friends over to help or family I think. As a bit of closure, I feel a need to write her a letter, just saying very briefly that, I know we were not right for each other If we should av stayed together we would only be in each others way. So this has to be but I know I'll think of you every step of my new life. Bittersweet memories is all I'm taking with me, so good-bye we both know I'm not what you need. I hope life treats you kind, and I hope you have all you've dreamed of, I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this I wish you love. You will always have your own special place in my heart. I'm tempted to send something like this, is it a good idea or am I dooming myself?
Ruby65 Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 I wouldn't say you're dooming yourself, but I wouldn't send it. Whatever your intentions, it's still having contact with her that she hasn't initiated and comes off as a little desperate. I think at best all you'll accomplish is making her feel guilty.... more likely, she'll turn it against you and resent you for trying to make her feel bad.
Author ssmith3427 Posted June 28, 2012 Author Posted June 28, 2012 I think my intentions were closure. But I was listening to a sad song and was thinking emotionally. I sit her and think.. hang in.. where is my letter? The letter saying that she had a great time with me, wishes me all the best, and will always be there for me. Hard truth is she is not bothered, so why should I be? I've always been the one who loved and cared more, why carry on that trend? If it's ment to be then she will come back one day, I hope she does, but know it will be hard because I have no respect for her anymore just because she has already been with a few guys and it's been 1 month... If she ever comes back, I will be saying something along the lines of.. you did the breaking up, you can do the making up, I put 110% into us, you can put 110% in getting us back. I need to respect myself and by breaking NC I am just disrespecting myself and de-valueing me worth as a person. I'm down, but I will get back up stronger, and better prepared than ever before. Thanks Ruby, I will not be contacting her, and yes she may feel guilty, but what does that achieve, I don't want her pity, in fact in bugs the hell out of me that I know she feels sorry for me. I don't want her to feel sorry for me, not for her benefit, but for mine.
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