Seeking Closure

[gls081209]

I split with my ex almost three months ago after a year and a half of being with him. When we met each other, we didn't expect that we'd actually be in a LTR. He and I were completely the opposite, but we had a great time and it was a loving and an easy relationship. We were together but never used the "boyfriend" / "girlfriend" labels until about year into it. Once I actually started using that term (which he agreed to as well), he got all weird on me.

 

We split briefly for a few weeks due to his resistance of being in the adult relationship I was ready for. (I'm in my early 30s and he in his late 20s). I'm not talking marriage or even moving in together, just making more of an effort for me.

 

He came back to me a few weeks later and performed a song and dance (a very good one I must say) about how I'm "the one." He asked me to meet his family (yes, after a year and half - told you it was a slow, non pressure relationship). Of course, being a chick, I fell for that crap.

 

It was great at first and he had held up his end of the bargain, often initiating all dates and such. One night, I dropped the "L" bomb on him. Being the girl who expresses feelings through sarcasm and only if it's logical, I was proud of myself for actually saying how I felt in the moment.

 

Guess what I got back? "Ummm... I don't know if I love you or even if I want to be in a relationship." After trying to process that, he then tries to give me a coronary by confessing that he's reverted back into his party lifestyle and has been doing blow behind my back. (I know he partied a lot when he was younger, but claimed he was done with all that years earlier because it was time to be a "responsible adult.") Not only was I hurt by that, but I also became the clueless girlfriend about what he was doing when all his scumbag friends knew.

 

Way to dump someone, huh?!

 

Now, it takes a lot to make me angry, but I seriously thought I was going to lose my mind and stab him with my fork and end up on that "Snapped" Tv-Show. Instead, I actually cried, grabbed all of my belongings and stormed out of the house. I was too upset to even call him a "d-bag" and tell him "I hope he and his coke would be very happy together."

 

That was 3 months ago. Because I'm stubborn, I have not contacted him and I'm proud I resisted. I've gone through the typical grieving process in which anger lasted the longest. My longing of wanting to stab him has passed (I'm not actually threatening to stab him, people, so please don't call the authorities on me), but I'm definitely wanting closure. I sure the hell am not going to get it from him. I've even thought about sending an e-mail to say "I'm sorry for the way things ended and good luck to you" just because I've managed stay friendly with all of my exes.

 

However, I just reread my post and just answered my own question because this Man Child doesn't deserve any apology from me. I suspect I'm still in the anger phase...

Edited June 27, 2012 by gls081209

[TaraMaiden]

Good.

That's a bit of advice I sometimes give people: "read your own post as if it were a stranger - what would you advise?"

 

Unfortunately, 'Closure' is like vomit - it comes from within, but you need to get it out of your system.

 

Write him a long letter. Put everything down, and vent all you like. Tell him precisely what's on your mind. keep it and add things, over a matter of days, as you think of them.

When you feel you've said everything that needs saying - ceremoniously burn it, and tell 'him' that he's not welcome in your mind for one more day. let it go, let him go, and good riddance too...

 

Then do yourself a favour, and move on.

Just because he's rotting his brain with crap, doesn't mean you should.

[Ruby65]

Unfortunately, 'Closure' is like vomit - it comes from within, but you need to get it out of your system.

 

I love this!!!!

 

 

Great advice -- gls you'd be wise to follow it.

[Eddie Edirol]

You'll get closure when you realize why he might not have been in love with you. What you might have done, what he might have done, it sounds to me like he just wanted a girlfriend for the time bieng, but never wanted anything serious. Thats what I get from him jumping ship as soon as you dropped the "L" bomb.

[stillafool]

You will never get real closure by asking. Each conversation will create more questions in your mind. You have to reach your own closure. From my side it looks like he just wanted someone to hang out with and have sex but didn't want the responsibility of a relationship. If he isn't in love with you after a year and a half he more than likely will never be. It's okay and is certainly no reflection on you. Think that this is good because it keeps you from wasting more of your precious life with him when your future husband is out there waiting for you to arrive. Good luck.

[Samilia]

I'll start with the end. I wouldn't send him an email, it's setting yourself up for another rejection. Your feelings are hurt, I know you want to hear a "I was a db, I'm sorry, you deserved better" or something of that nature. That probably won't happen, at least not yet (if ever).

Beside I don't think it's right to discuss anything romantic, break up or not, in an email. Phone or face to face are better.

 

It's hard to break up with someone, at some point they were important enough for us to let our guard down, so there are good memories along with the bad, and it's hard to sort it all out, it messes up with our heads.

 

I think indeed this guy liked you, but wasn't in love with you. You had enough good moments that he caved in and introduced you to his parents, but as soon as he heard the L word, he woke up and started running again.

 

You seem smart, I think you knew he wasn't committed like you were.

 

I'm in my late 30s and my bf was in his early 30s, so I can relate. I think we knew they weren't mature enough to be in a relationship (because of their level of maturity, not their age), but we gave it a try anyway.

 

Live and learn. And lick your wounds and get better for a better (best) guy.

[Thisisbs]

It does seem like he liked you. No one can lie out that much shiet and emotion. He was not into you enough, or you two did not have enough time to grow before getting serious and he was pushed away. He may change, but that is unlikely due to the fact that he had already gone back to his "partying" lifestyle, when you had thought he had changed, and he had reason to change before.

 

The L bomb is a very big thing to think about, and something I hadn't considered through my relationship, which ended kind of like yours, she wasn't ready for something so serious and at the same time, I was unconfident and insecure, which made me clingy.

[gls081209]

Thank you everyone for your insight and honesty. However, it's sometimes difficult to hear "he's just not that into you."

 

I think that I am not only angry of how he chose to end things, but also by the fact that I hadn't let my guard down with someone in over 10 years and when I chose to do so, it blew up in my face.

 

I'm rarely attracted to people to which I want to be in relationship with (however, the flings had been fun over the years), and am secure and confident with myself and am the opposite of clingy. When entering this relationship and my 30s, I decided it was time to start actually saying what I felt. I really didn't think telling someone that you love him after a year and a half later was pushing it. I mean, who can honestly stay in a casual relationship for that long? At that point, it's poop or get off the pot, right?

 

You live and learn. This relationship helped me discover a lot about myself especially in letting someone see my vulnerability. That's big. However, it also allowed me to know what is and is not acceptable in a relationship. I'd rather be alone than be with someone who is toxic.

 

I know this breakup is a good thing in the long haul, but it still hurts. People tend to romanticize the good and forget the bad during this no contact period. I'm powering through knowing those feelings will eventually subside.

 

Thanks again!