Sexting, Dirty Pictures- Cheating?? !

[kulita]

I have been maried almost 10 years. We have 3 kids together with the youngest being 7 years old. Found out two days ago on Hubby's tablet that he was emailing someone and pictures were exchanged. By the language of the emails it was very suggestive that something was ocurring between them both. I began to do some research on our cell phone bill and found out that there was a phone number that he had texted many times in for a few days (received and sent) and MMS were given. I put it all together in my head and I KNEW he was doing something with this person.

 

As soon as he came home I told the kids to go play at the park and I confronted him about it. I told him that I already knew all the answers to the questions I am asking him and that someone called me today and told me everything. It took over an hour for him gather his thoughts. I could see him trying to scan his brain in figuring out just how much I knew. After two hours and a scant version on some BS that he gave I called his bluff and said that I couldn't believe he told me that crap and left out the most damaging parts.

 

So he began to re-tell me what I already suspected. However it goes deeper.

 

When I first met him he was seperated from his wife (he was 20 years old) and started dating me. Many people told me that he was seeing other people while seeing me but he assured me that it wasn't true; very convincing. After 8 months his wife decided she wanted to make things work and I was pregnant by my hubby (who was then my BF). He stayed with her until he had to move to Japan (military) which was about 5 months. After our son was born, he asked me to live with him and I told him that I wanted him to come clean about any suspicions I heard about.

 

I found out that he was also having relationships during the time I dated him, and also when his wife returned. I was disgusted and took some time to really analyze whether or not I wanted to be with him. I decided to forgive him and move on since we had a child... and I still loved him. Fast forward 2 years and he waves to someone that I don't know in a grocery store parking lot. No biggie, right? I don't know this person and he doesn't even tell me who she is until a few days later when I am yelling at him for being disrespectful. He comes clean and informs me that he went out one night and needed a "ship buddy" and she was the only one left on the ship at the time so they had dinner... but it wasn't a date (so he says). I AM LIVID and it takes me forever to get over this. I also find out that when I was visiting family some girl and his reckless friend came and slept over in the house. I have reason to believe something happened with that girl but have no proof. This is when he begins to force me to have sex with others on tape for his own enjoyment.

 

Fast forward 2 more years and I am in counseling because we fight constantly and I am not sure if I even love him anymore. I soft of felt like I was staying with him for the sake of our kids. In the office I explain why I feel the way I do about him. Not only has hubby done what you just read but he is also emotionaly devoid and verbally abusive. He sways the Dr. into believing that hubby is genuinely sorry, will never do it again, and I need to give him another chance. Also, Hubby minimalized my feelings and perceptions about what I have been going through. I began to question if I was crazy and imagining things. I start to pick myself a part and think it is my fault and I need to make an active effort to change. Hubby then quits counseling even though I still go. I pick up self help books "Love Dare" and "5 Love Languages" and it doens't help.

 

Flash Forward to present day and He admits that he has been chatting, sexting, and getting dirty pictures from someone he used to work with. I find out it is the SAME girl he waved to and had dinner with!!

 

I feel betrayed, damaged, full of despair, and not sure what to do. He seems remorseful and is apologetic. I am so confused.

[Plan 9 from OS]

I'm looking at your thread title. Are you asking if sexting with another woman is a form of cheating? If this is your question, then yes it is a form of cheating known as an emotional affair (EA). If your hubby continues down this path, then it is inevitable that the EA will turn into a physical affair.

 

I feel bad for you that this is happening. He is not respecting you as his wife when he is giving his emotional energy to this OW. This will need to be stopped immediately. Question about hubby's first marriage. Did he cheat on his first wife, and was that the reason why they divorced? I'm guessing yes because if he was seeing you and other women while he was still legally married, then he was probably not being faithful to his first wife. I frankly do not see this ending well - assuming you want to save the marriage.

[Just_A_Poster]

I know you said this crap was happening when he was 20 years old. Realistically, 20 year old guys are still babies and can't be expected to act like mature adults. That doesn't mean I'm giving him a "pass" for acting like a hormonal idiot, I'm just saying his stupid behavior back then was pretty much to be expected at that age.

 

Here he is now in his 30's and he's STILL acting like a hormonal idiot. I think your expectations at this point - that he's just going to magically man up and start acting like a decent human being - simply isn't going to happen.

 

Let's be honest. The guy is a complete dumbass. He was a teenager when he married the first time, then jumped right out of that frying pan - while still legally married - into the fire with YOU, getting you pregnant while still somewhat involved with his child bride (not that you weren't practically a child yourself at that point). The guy has a history of pulling the trigger with every woman he's with, making commitments he simply cannot keep. Here you are, 3 kids later, and he's STILL acting the stupid 20 year old you met over 10 years ago.

 

Do you have to wait until he's 55 or 60 before he finally loses his steam and stops his childish nonsense? You can buy all the self-help books you want - they're garbage and just serve to make the author richer when you waste your money on their nonsense.

 

All the self help books in the world aren't going to make this guy be a better person. Only HE can do that and he's obviously NOT interested in becoming a man of character and integrity.

 

The only reason he's "remorseful and aplogetic" is because you found out, not because he did it.

 

This is pattern behavior and it's not going to stop. You can choose to continue a lifetime of this bullsh*t, or you can pull the plug and get out with some sanity.

 

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.

[frozensprouts]

he sounds abusive, and seems to be fitting into the abuse/remorse pattern. He treats you like crud, you take it and take it until you are at your breaking point, then all of a sudden he feels bad and remorseful-says he change. He does, for a little while, then it starts all over again.

 

It sounds like he really needs some counseling ( or something...may i suggest a good swift kick in the rear) as nothing will change unless he wants it to, and he doesn't seem to want to.

 

I hope you are able to find your way out of this situation and that you are able to find some happiness for yourself.

[skywriter]

Kulita!

 

I am an exOW and your husband sounds just like the MM that I had an affair with.

 

Your post made me sick at my stomach. I hope you do something good for yourself , you definitly deserve better than what you've been getting.

 

Also wanted to add that my exH was alot like your H.

 

I've realised that I may not know what a healthy relationship should feel like. I definitly know what a POS User, feels like. Maybe this is why I tend to go towards what's familiar.

 

So, for me being alone is better than the alternative. I hope you consider this for yourself as well. Kids or not, if you aren't happy, eventually they will know it. Take care.

Edited June 27, 2012 by skywriter
to add.

[Steen719]

This is when he begins to force me to have sex with others on tape for his own enjoyment.

 

What???? How is a person forced to do this? This is crazy. Unless he held a gun to your head, how could he force you?

[kulita]

I'd rather not say how I was forced into having sex with other people. I am still damaged by that. I cried and prayed almost daily for 6 months straight becuase I thought I was going to hell for it.

 

During the time I met him he was already seperated from his wife. I didn't look at it like I was the OW because he was not living with her and was in another country (He's military). She was a habitual drug user and he didn't want to have that lifestyle. When she came back into the picture she had cleaned up... I guess. Not sure really and frankly I don't care.

 

Please keep in mind that when I forgave him before it wasn't a quick little "I'm ok with it", it took me months. However, it took years to comes to term with what happened.

 

I do want to save my marriage because I do love him very much, I have children with him, but I also need something radical to happen. I am not sure just how much counseling will help. I told him that he doesn't know how to love but is simply fascinated by the idea of love. If he really loved me he would do everything to retain what he earned so far and strive to have a stonger relationship.