Is it bad to keep in touch with her mutual friends?

[BlazePT]

Hey guys,

 

So, a couple of hours ago I went to my xbox and noticed that my ex's best friend, who she sees as kind of a guru (and honestly it pissed me off during our relationship) , was online. I sent a message saying "howdy, how ya doin' ?" ,to which he just went offline, 30 seconds later.

 

This guy became a nice friend of mine as well since I started dating her (even though I know that he's been giving her a LOT of advice to help her forget about me), so I thought that it'd be polite to just say hi.

 

The thing is, my ex still keeps in touch with my best friend and even with my sister. They go out often and talk a lot (usually about me). So, why would I keep myself from talking to the friends I got to know from her? I really don't have anything to talk about except trivial things like hobbys, etc, but I think it would be immature to just cut them off completely...

 

Maybe I'm overthinking and I've never acted like this, but I kind of feel embarassed thinking that this guy might have just ignored me (he had never done this before, we used to talk a lot over xbox live and even played online).

 

So, whad'ya guys think? Is it such a bad idea to keep speaking to an ex's friends?

 

Thanks in advance

[Samilia]

I'm in the same situation, his friends and family are all over my facebook. I didn't cut them loose (although I'm ok with it if they do) but I am not going to contact them either.

 

Back to you.. First it would break the no contact rule in some way (reaching to her through her friends), second it's setting yourself up to get your feelings hurt (he logged off.. but again, he might have been idle).

 

I would minimize contacts, like.. nc unless they initiate. You can make new friends, or hang out with the ones you have.

 

I know how easy it is to make excuses to see the ex, or let your guard down and let her back into your life, and get hurt again.

 

But it's just my two cents.

[Thisisbs]

My ex and I share many mutual friends because we hung out in the same group of friends and have been friends long before we started dating. Mutual friends can make things sticky, especially if you've brought them into the situation somehow (like I have), but I can't let any of them go because were all good friends.

 

I think it is a bad idea, especially if they're really good friends with your ex, and not so great friends with you, they'll always be on her side and stick by her. They'll give her messages never meant/intended/wanted her to know and it will just delay the healing process. (Mutual friends have stopped me from healing faster)

[BlazePT]

I'm in the same situation, his friends and family are all over my facebook. I didn't cut them loose (although I'm ok with it if they do) but I am not going to contact them either.

 

Back to you.. First it would break the no contact rule in some way (reaching to her through her friends), second it's setting yourself up to get your feelings hurt (he logged off.. but again, he might have been idle).

 

I would minimize contacts, like.. nc unless they initiate. You can make new friends, or hang out with the ones you have.

 

I know how easy it is to make excuses to see the ex, or let your guard down and let her back into your life, and get hurt again.

 

But it's just my two cents.

 

Thanks for the insight, Samilia. I actually didn't do it to know anything from her. I'm at a point where I feel like the more I know, the more I hurt: I had been hurting really bad, in the first few weeks, knowing that she was out having fun and such.

 

Actually, I would be fine not to hear from her in the next 6 months or so (7 weeks NC now).

 

I just did it with the goal of being polite.

[Samilia]

 

I just did it with the goal of being polite.

 

I understand.. but for the next few months, put yourself first.

 

If they were to contact you then it's ok to be polite, but answer a "Thank you for your concern, I have to go now, bye!", and maintain nc. Short, polite, but firm.

 

I wanted my break up and I am dying to send him a text, believe me, I know how you feel. Just be strong! You can do it!

[AlexanderJames]

I dont see anything wrong with keeping mutual friendships. They're your friends too, unless they were just being polite during the relationship in which case they probably deleted you long ago.

 

Just keep in mind that if you keep in touch and spend time with friends of hers that you might hear things about her that you dont want to. A new boy on the scene, or her getting a bit carried away at a party or something like that.

 

I personally blocked my ex on fb and deleted HER friends that I had made through her. Because I knew it would bother me if even so much as a photo or her name popped up in my feed for whatever reason. However its a two way street here. You see she kept all of my closest friends as friends of hers on fb. I dont get my friends to check up on her or anything but where it has its perks is that if my friends put up photo's of them with me in town or at parties or write status' about being out with me then she will see my face and how much fun I'm having. It's like winning a battle you dont even know you're a part of.

[Oncehadluv]

Yes it's bad , you really want her knowing your every move and moreso in the dumps and miserable !?

[BlazePT]

My ex and I share many mutual friends because we hung out in the same group of friends and have been friends long before we started dating. Mutual friends can make things sticky, especially if you've brought them into the situation somehow (like I have), but I can't let any of them go because were all good friends.

 

I think it is a bad idea, especially if they're really good friends with your ex, and not so great friends with you, they'll always be on her side and stick by her. They'll give her messages never meant/intended/wanted her to know and it will just delay the healing process. (Mutual friends have stopped me from healing faster)

 

Yeah, in this case, her friend is really close to her. They've known each other for over 10 years. And yeah, since the breakup (and some time before it...) he has been trying to make her do things that he thinks are best for her (of course, he's a friend and it's a good thing. The problem is that she does them, all of them. She doesn't think from herself. She goes only with what he says. I'm convinced that he also had an important role in her decision to end things with me, but I can't go into assumptions).

 

I came to know that since about 6 months ago, he's been filling her head with horsesh*t and she just falls into it, because she is so weak-minded. She kind of always needs a "superior" person to validate important decisions of her life.

 

I see him as kind of a manipulative bast*rd but he and she believe that he's some sort of Dalai Lama. I always told her that he wasn't as perfect as she thought he was, since I've seen some bad moments and enough reasons for me not to trust him fully; besides, all of my friends think the same way, but she's just too blind to see it too.

 

Come to think of it, he kind of also made me do things that at the present day make me cringe about it...

 

Anyway, I'm diverging. Thanks for the advice, Thisisbs. I'm also thinking of blocking her friends from my facebook (I won't have to block her, she already did it for me! ).

[BlazePT]

I dont see anything wrong with keeping mutual friendships. They're your friends too, unless they were just being polite during the relationship in which case they probably deleted you long ago.

 

Just keep in mind that if you keep in touch and spend time with friends of hers that you might hear things about her that you dont want to. A new boy on the scene, or her getting a bit carried away at a party or something like that.

 

I personally blocked my ex on fb and deleted HER friends that I had made through her. Because I knew it would bother me if even so much as a photo or her name popped up in my feed for whatever reason. However its a two way street here. You see she kept all of my closest friends as friends of hers on fb. I dont get my friends to check up on her or anything but where it has its perks is that if my friends put up photo's of them with me in town or at parties or write status' about being out with me then she will see my face and how much fun I'm having. It's like winning a battle you dont even know you're a part of.

 

Lol how I get you there, AJ ! On the first 2 or 3 weeks, her friends' updates only hurt me more and more. It was awful. I cancelled her subscription, since i didn't have the guts to block her, and honestly, I also thought that it would seem like a desperate move, on her eyes.

 

However, only a day after I put some pictures of me having fun with some friends and commenting some pictures with a (girl)friend of mine that my ex never came to know about, she blocked me!

 

At first I thought "well, she might have been thinking about blocking me for some time, and just had the guts to do it now". But then I came to know from another mutual friend that she was just PISSED OFF and JEALOUS of me having fun instead of being down in the dumps. She also said that she was afraid of me finding another girl or start flirting and dating around, etc.

 

So she blocked me to kind of protect herself but it also helped me, since I didn't have the guts to block her.

 

Don't get me wrong, I don't like to play mind games or whatever, but I must confess that in the first 3 weeks of NC, this helped me feel a lot better.

 

 

Yes it's bad , you really want her knowing your every move and moreso in the dumps and miserable !?

 

Well, I confess that I WAS in the dumps and miserable, at about the first 2 weeks or so. But then I started feeling better by working out, helping my father at work, keeping in touch with old friends, etc.

 

One thing that also helped me feel better was having the support of my best friend who's gone twice through a situation like this (this is my first) and he couldn't stress this enough: "DON'T TRY TO GET HER BACK!!!" he kept telling me. So, I kind of have a feeling of accomplishment knowing that I didn't beg, plead, cry to her for getting me back, and I owe it all to this friend of mine. This helped me keep my dignity and self-respect.

 

And, as I came to know it, she's been talking about me a hell of a lot more than I talk about her. Everytime she gathers with my best friend or with my sister, they ALWAYS talk about me, ending up with her wanting to know what the hell I'm up to.

 

Thanks, guys

Edited June 27, 2012 by BlazePT

[AlexanderJames]

Time really does heal all wounds Good on you for making quick progress mate. Some people are still where you were at the start 6 months to a year after a break up. You're doing all the right things.

 

And its a good feeling knowing the ex is struggling, especially when they know you're having fun and enjoying yourself (even if not all the time). I dont mean to sound like we are rubbing anything in our ex's faces. But should she be interested and go looking then all she will find is evidence that Im doing great, I keep most of my down moments on this forum, so she never gets to see or hear any negativity about me. Which must be hard for her

 

Your mates on the right track too haha. My best mate said to me completely off topic one night "You know what I've noticed Alex? You always go back to ex's, and it never works out for you... My advice? Dont."

 

Plain and simple. Made me laugh actually

[BlazePT]

Time really does heal all wounds Good on you for making quick progress mate. Some people are still where you were at the start 6 months to a year after a break up. You're doing all the right things.

 

And its a good feeling knowing the ex is struggling, especially when they know you're having fun and enjoying yourself (even if not all the time). I dont mean to sound like we are rubbing anything in our ex's faces. But should she be interested and go looking then all she will find is evidence that Im doing great, I keep most of my down moments on this forum, so she never gets to see or hear any negativity about me. Which must be hard for her

 

Your mates on the right track too haha. My best mate said to me completely off topic one night "You know what I've noticed Alex? You always go back to ex's, and it never works out for you... My advice? Dont."

 

Plain and simple. Made me laugh actually

 

 

Thanks, AJ. Well, yes, I do feel a lot better! I have my down moments, of course, especially when I miss her. It sometimes comes to a point where it's almost unbearable. The thing is, I came to think that I miss who she was... So I grieve someone who's in the past...!

 

I also feel bad when I think of the mistakes that I made and didn't know that I was making them or when I think of the possibility of her being with someone else (especially since my sister told me that when she went to see my ex, she didn't stop texting this guy, even though my sister's convinced that she just did it because she knew my sis would come right at me telling me about it lol ). Like you, AJ, I try to keep my negative and worst moments on this forum as well, and not knowing ANYTHING about your ex, even from your mutual friends, REALLY helps in dealing with it!!

 

I feel like I'm getting better in the art of not letting those intrusive thoughts control my life. I try to keep distracted especially with working out. I actually made myself a rule: everytime I think about her with another guy, i make 25 push-ups! LOL xD

 

I think that your friend's sentence is right on! Not much words needed and it says all we need to know!

 

Really good to hear you're doing fine as well

[AlexanderJames]

Thanks, AJ. Well, yes, I do feel a lot better! I have my down moments, of course, especially when I miss her. It sometimes comes to a point where it's almost unbearable. The thing is, I came to think that I miss who she was... So I grieve someone who's in the past...!

 

I also feel bad when I think of the mistakes that I made and didn't know that I was making them or when I think of the possibility of her being with someone else.

 

I feel like I'm getting better in the art of not letting those intrusive thoughts control my life. I try to keep distracted especially with working out. I actually made myself a rule: everytime I think about her with another guy, i make 25 push-ups! LOL xD

 

We've all been there mate dont worry. I had a low point at the start of the week as you might have read. But like I say those rough patches we hit are just the final challenge in that stage of recovery, theres only better days to come.

 

Are you sure you miss her? I felt like that sor a bit but then I came to a big realisation. I didn't miss her at all. I just missed what we had. It was the companionship, the thought of having someone that couldnt go a day without hearing my voice to being alone again. Although the thought of being alone sucked, I was happier thinking of missing companionship than the individual person, if that makes sense?

 

Have you read my little trick to getting passed the thoughts of your ex with someone else? I won't repeat it if you have haha. Dont want to clog up your thread

 

As you think about all those intrusive thoughts your letting go of your emotional attachment to them if that makes sense. The more you think the more you're letting go. It's a time thing. Keep going to the gym and improving your fitness. That is my number one piece of advice. Not only does it alleviate depression, but it builds self esteem, makes you more attractive, confident and above all else healthy! So keep it up

[Sugarkane]

This is what I've struggled with a lot. I had become good friends with my exes friends- so I thought. We used to go on double dates a lot. My ex never became close with any of my friends/ family. So The breakup would've been easy for him. It seems to take a very rare person who won't actually take sides. The only person I can think of is one of my older cousins. He did what I wished my ex friends would've done- been there for the person who got screwed over and betrayed the most and still be friends with both. On another hand my sister and her ex had a GIGS breakup. I would still be friendly and say hello to her ex- he's a good person. Yet my ex friends don't do this to me.

[BlazePT]

We've all been there mate dont worry. I had a low point at the start of the week as you might have read. But like I say those rough patches we hit are just the final challenge in that stage of recovery, theres only better days to come.

 

Are you sure you miss her? I felt like that sor a bit but then I came to a big realisation. I didn't miss her at all. I just missed what we had. It was the companionship, the thought of having someone that couldnt go a day without hearing my voice to being alone again. Although the thought of being alone sucked, I was happier thinking of missing companionship than the individual person, if that makes sense?

 

Lol, you got me there Well, to be honest, I dunno. I don't know whether I miss HER or the companionship. I guess maybe both, because even before we actually started dating, she was already my best friend and all of my familiy and friends really loved her.

 

I also confess that one of the things that kind of messes my head up and maybe makes me miss her even more is that now I know that I also made mistakes. Especially about 2 weeks before the BU, I was all stressed up with college work and, although we spent time together and went out and stuff, I know that I didn't give her the propper attention that I used to and that I sometimes even let out my issues on her... It wasn't fair, no. I'm really aware of it, but one thing I always did was apologize to her for any hurt that I may had caused, and I also thought that she knew that I was not that person. I was only stressed...

 

 

Have you read my little trick to getting passed the thoughts of your ex with someone else? I won't repeat it if you have haha. Dont want to clog up your thread

 

OH YEAH! I've read it alright! Yesterday, when I went for a run, my mind was set on that trick! It really helped me a lot. Maybe everyone in this forum should try to see things the way you put it! Well done

 

 

As you think about all those intrusive thoughts your letting go of your emotional attachment to them if that makes sense. The more you think the more you're letting go. It's a time thing. Keep going to the gym and improving your fitness. That is my number one piece of advice. Not only does it alleviate depression, but it builds self esteem, makes you more attractive, confident and above all else healthy! So keep it up

 

Since the BU, I haven't spent a single day without working out! It always makes me feel better, even though some intrusive thoughts do tend to fill my head up, especially when running. Nevertheless, it ALWAYS makes me feel much better! It's also pretty cool to look up in the mirror and see the differences

[BlazePT]

This is what I've struggled with a lot. I had become good friends with my exes friends- so I thought. We used to go on double dates a lot. My ex never became close with any of my friends/ family. So The breakup would've been easy for him. It seems to take a very rare person who won't actually take sides. The only person I can think of is one of my older cousins. He did what I wished my ex friends would've done- been there for the person who got screwed over and betrayed the most and still be friends with both. On another hand my sister and her ex had a GIGS breakup. I would still be friendly and say hello to her ex- he's a good person. Yet my ex friends don't do this to me.

 

I get your point there. In fact, if it wasn't for my friends that I had before i started dating her, I would probably be in that situation as well. But ask yourself this: Were they REALLY your friends? Sure, you got along just fine, etc but a real friend does not take sides.

 

For instance, when my ex and her boyfriend before me broke up, EVERYBODY stood for her. I was the only one who stood for both sides. It was really none of my concern, actually. I would support each other equally, unless there was some abuse or cheating or anything like that.

 

If they were your ex's friends before you dated her, it's only normal for them to just stand by her side. Honestly, I wouldn't even go to them for advice. I kind of did it on my 1st week after the BU and now it only makes me cringe about it. It only showed my weakness and panic and OF COURSE they told her about it.

 

My best advice is to hang on to your cousin and all of your family. It's amazing how the family suddenly just seems to have such an important role in our lives!

 

I wish you ALL the best and don't ever forget that WE are here for you as well, buddy

[Sugarkane]

Well I'm pretty positive my ex cheated and yet they all took his side. Other people on here have been in The same situation with the friends knowing the ex first. Yet they still remain friends with both. So why is this?

I get your point there. In fact, if it wasn't for my friends that I had before i started dating her, I would probably be in that situation as well. But ask yourself this: Were they REALLY your friends? Sure, you got along just fine, etc but a real friend does not take sides.

 

For instance, when my ex and her boyfriend before me broke up, EVERYBODY stood for her. I was the only one who stood for both sides. It was really none of my concern, actually. I would support each other equally, unless there was some abuse or cheating or anything like that.

 

If they were your ex's friends before you dated her, it's only normal for them to just stand by her side. Honestly, I wouldn't even go to them for advice. I kind of did it on my 1st week after the BU and now it only makes me cringe about it. It only showed my weakness and panic and OF COURSE they told her about it.

 

My best advice is to hang on to your cousin and all of your family. It's amazing how the family suddenly just seems to have such an important role in our lives!

 

I wish you ALL the best and don't ever forget that WE are here for you as well, buddy

[Sugarkane]

I also found them to be incredibly insincere and arrogant. They tried to give me breakup advice when they married their first bf and gf (extremely odd these days) and have never even been through a breakup. I loathe it when people do that. I wonder if the friends also cheat on their wives too.