lost134 Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Hello, I'm basically just here to get advice and have people to talk to. I am going through a very hard depressing time right now. Two months ago me and my boyfriend of a year broke up. We were both each other's first time falling in love, he used to say that I was his everything and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. The reason why we broke up was mostly my fault, I have been a negative depressed person in the past and I was becoming a downer, with a tendency to make up problems that weren't there. He was also getting depressed and not doing well in school. He also has had bad anxiety. About a month before we broke up he was becoming more and more distant, which was aggravating me, and causing me to cling on tighter. It got to a point where I was initiating all the conversations. Soon after in our last phone call he said that he couldn't do this anymore, that he didn't know if we could get back together, and if we did it would be a long time from now. I asked him if he wanted to completely cut me out of his life, and he said no because he still cares about me. He also said that he still loves me and doesn't want anyone else, than he started crying and that was the last conversation we had. What happened next is confusing me alot, he has completely cut me out of his life, I tried hanging out with him a few times after this happened but he bailed out on me, and every time since that i have tried to talk to him he has completely ignored me. I also sent him a letter just saying how i was sorry about everything and that i would like to be friends again someday. I don't understand, why would he say that he didn't want me completely out of his life and stuff, and than do the complete opposite? I feel so depressed, and I"m full of regret. I feel like I have lost the perfect guy. He was so sweet and chill accepting all the time. I feel like sometimes I would take his love for granted and I don't know how to forgive myself. All I know is, all those things I would do, the mistakes, I"m never going to let that happen again or take something like that for granted, and I wish he knew that.. The saddest part is that he seems to refuse to talk to me at all, I guess I never thought it would end like this, after all we went through together, how can someone just act as if they never knew you? I always wanted to be on good terms with a ex. I have this fear that he will never talk to me again. I guess I just don't know what to do, everything reminds me of him, I love him and miss him so much. I'm trying to stop thinking about him but its hard...and what I wonder the most is ...what is going through his mind? I wish I knew. Anyone have any ideas?
KathyM Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 I'll give you my take on this. He really does love you, but he realizes there is no future with you because of your issues with depression, etc. So even though he doesn't want to cut you out of his life, he feels that is what he has to do, since your depression is a dealbreaker for him. He is protecting himself from further hurt by not staying in contact with you. He is trying to move on. He realizes you are in an unhealthy place, and that is not a place he can be for the long term. I suggest you start working on your issues that led to this break up, get counseling for your depression, and when you are at a healthier place in your life and no longer struggling with depression, then contact him and let him know how much you've progressed and how much you miss him. That's the only way you're going to have any chance of getting him back.
Exit Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 What answer are you hoping to hear from the question that you are asking? I'm not being sarcastic, I'm really wondering. Are you hoping someone is going to say he's ignoring you because he met someone else? Because he still really loves you and it hurts him to talk to you? It's the same psychology as not being able to make a decision so you put a bunch of scraps of paper in a hat and try to pick one. They say in that last second before you open up the slip of paper and find out what you picked, you already know what you really wanted. So maybe part of this puzzle is figuring out what you want the answer to be. But, to pretty much contradict myself to death, it doesn't matter what he is thinking. You are trying to reconcile his words and his actions. He said he didn't want you out of his life, and then he's been bailing on you and ignoring you. Let me give you a big tip that I wish I knew a long time ago: ALWAYS pay more attention to their actions. The saying really is true, actions speak louder than words. Stop trying to figure out what the words meant, when the actions are really saying it all. It would be like me saying to you "I'm going to hold up three fingers" and instead I hold up four. How long are you going to stare at my hand trying to make sense of it before deciding I simply didn't tell the truth? How long are you going to try to convince yourself that you only see three fingers? If you're like most dumpees, you're worried that if you back off, you'll end up being accused that you were the one who gave up. But it's as simple as telling the truth, if the situation ever comes up you just tell him "yes I heard what you said but I paid attention to your actions and it seemed like you didn't want me around". Start doing your own thing, move on the best you can, the first step to moving on would be to stop trying to figure out why he said what he said and just accept what he is doing.
Thisisbs Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 As many ideas as we give you, you're always going to want to believe what you want to believe. (this was a huge problem for me too.) It shouldn't matter what he's thinking, and thinking about what he might be thinking is just wasting time you could be using to get over it. Try your best to move on, and don't regret anything. It wasn't your fault, although you may have pushed him away, you did it unknowingly. Know that you wouldn't have ever learned if it wasn't for this experience, and if you went back to the past (with the knowledge you possessed in the past) and tried 10000x harder, nothing would have changed. I was also a very insecure, negative and unconfident individual. She had also become more busy and I had become too clingy as well which eventually lead to the breakup. I am now much more confident, positive and happy about everything. Although I am certainly not over my breakup, and it's only been a month, I feel much better than the days I spent bawling my eyes out.
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