My self-confidence is shot

[TDash]

I'm going crazy. Once a self-assured, irrationally self-confident fella, I've deflated to the pits of extreme insecurities and in a constant state of questioning myself. It all goes back to a few years ago. I'm now 21, so all of this originally began during my senior year of high school.

 

To make this story short, I got in a relationship with a girl that was once amazing, she treated me like a king, was always jealous over my past (at the time, she was a virgin and upset over the fact that I wasn't) but kept it under control... until, after a year into the relationship, she began going off over it (my past).

 

Now, that wasn't what killed my self-confidence, though -- as time ensued, there were many guys flirting with her. At the same time, she was no longer treating me like somebody she appreciated or admired -- she was treating me like trash. My reaction to all of her BS? Instead of telling her to accept my past or throw the relationship away... I made the ignorant mistake of apologizing to her, even when I had nothing at all to apologize for, in hopes that she'd get over it. D'oh, d'oh, d'oh. Lesson learned, to the eventual demise of our relationship.

 

She eventually cheated on me. And ever since, I've been a mess.

 

There are thousands of details I left out, but the entire point of this post was what I came here for: my self-confidence is shot, I miss the girl she used to be from during the first year of our relationship, and I'm struggling to let go of who she was despite who she, unfortunately, is now.

 

The relationship is over, and we no longer have contact, but again, I'm no longer the person I used to be a few years ago. I feel like a defeated young buck. And I'll repeat it again: my self-confidence is absolutely, positively shot.

 

I know what you are thinking: "Yeah, it's a mistake; one girl screwed you ever. There are plenty of other ones. What's so special about her?" -- The mistakes are things I replay in my mind a lot. Our relationship was special and could have blossomed into something beautiful and long-lasting. It's not a fresh relationship right off a breakup either, so it's not a matter of time healing wounds. There's been plenty of time. I just cannot, for the life of me, let go! I'm spent. I miss the girl she used to be. I've spent time with other girls since then, and none of them have captured my interest. I did become interested in two, but one had a boyfriend and was obviously looking to cheat (which, once I found out, I became angered), and the other lives far away and going to college.

 

So, I sit here, wondering about the past, pining for old times, but at the same time I'm trying to clean up this self-defeated, lack-of-self-confidence act that I've been reeling on for a while. I want to be happy, self-assured and irrationally self-confident like I used to be (when I throw in the word 'irrationally', I mean I used to take risks, compete at everything, take chances, think outside the box, go with the flow, etc.)....furthermore, I want to move on from her. I want to let her go. I can't live with myself being like this. I feel like I'm going crazy due to this inner unhappiness. I put on a front and facade to everyone around me, but inside, the happiness and confidence that used to oh-so be there is gone. My lack of the ability to let her go is hindering my goals and dreams in life. I feel like I'm marred by my nerves and mind.

[Chi townD]

Dude, she sounds immature as hell. If she couldn't understand that your past was your past and now you were totally 100% dedicated to her. Then. it's her loss. NOT YOURS!! She had this itch that she had to go out and experience someone else to be closer in ranks to you, well...that speaks volumes. It's not your self esteem that is shot. It's hers because she allowed her body to be used in that manner.

 

Don't worry about dating right now. Because you're not ready. And that wouldn't be fair to yourself and certainly not to the girl your dating.

 

I hope that you are not in contact with his girl anymore. How did you find out she cheated, by the way?

[Oncehadluv]

Chi town is always spot on

 

 

Well dunno about " always" dont wanna inflate his ego to size of a blimp....jk lol

[TDash]

Dude, she sounds immature as hell. If she couldn't understand that your past was your past and now you were totally 100% dedicated to her. Then. it's her loss. NOT YOURS!! She had this itch that she had to go out and experience someone else to be closer in ranks to you, well...that speaks volumes. It's not your self esteem that is shot. It's hers because she allowed her body to be used in that manner.

 

Don't worry about dating right now. Because you're not ready. And that wouldn't be fair to yourself and certainly not to the girl your dating.

 

I hope that you are not in contact with his girl anymore. How did you find out she cheated, by the way?

Thanks for the reply, man.

 

I think it was a combination of that AND the fact that her mother never liked me, so she tried to make her mother happy (her dad didn't really care, but there's a backstory to that) by doing what she did... yeah, a big case of immaturity. She even admitted this, but the guilt never bothered her, which always made me question things, like, "How could we go through so much, and this not even bother her?" OR "At one point, she loved me more than the world itself, and she pulled this ****, and doesn't even feel bad about it?" Her actions had me questioning my self-worth from the things she pulled, but I guess that's my fault more than anything else, for giving her the ultimate power of making me happy. (Her mom never did much like me for multiple reasons: she thought I was too old -- only two years older than the ex -- being number one.)

 

I found out via Facebook, of all places (I have an intense disdain for that site nowadays, even though it's now been a while). I'll never forget the day or the mix of anger and pain I felt. Confusion, too. I remember calling her up later and she fed me BS, but whatever. It is what it is.

 

It drives me absolutely nuts how she went from being responsible and mature at an earlier age compared to, how, say, as she got older she became irresponsible, immature, forgot any common sense and became a girl that acknowledged her immaturity, proclaimed herself as 'crazy' and said a bunch of other ignorant, selfish things.

 

The biggest problem -- like I said in the first post -- is that I have the former version of herself on a pedestal. The person she rendered herself into is underwhelmingly typical and undesirable. I blame myself a lot for how she changed into who she is, because a few years ago, I didn't have the balls to man up and tell her stop whining and get over my past (the PG version of what I should have told her).

 

Yeah, I learned my lesson, but at a big cost. I guess that's the way lessons are learned, though, but I'm frustrated with it all. I want to move on, I want to be happy and confident again, I want to be able to let her go.

 

And to answer your question, nope. No contact at all. It's been a while. The last thing she ever told me was, "I'm sorry for everything. I'm trying to grow up. I wish you a long and happy life".

 

Maybe that was the point of our relationship........for me to make mistakes and learn from them, and for her to mature and lay down a 'stepping stone' on her way to 'growing up'.

[travellerjames]

Know how you feel buddy. I had occasional girlfriend in my younger days, but nothing serious, for a long time i was far more interested in sex, weed and computer games. despite that the few short term relationships i had ended with me being cheated on. My first really serious relationship was when i was about 18, like you say in your first post, she was a virgin, i was not, however, this wasnt much of a problem, we even got married a few years down the line, i was 24, however, she ended up cheating on me for a long time with someone who called himself my "friend", *******, and we separated after only 10 months being married. After that i was pretty messed up, self confidence was screwed, as were my trust issues, but i ended up with another girl, which was nice for a while, but i think there was a level of rebound in the whole situation. Well, after a year or so we broke up, i was finding all of the problems with what we were doing, she was a very immature girl, certainly for her age, (25 btw). After we split up i got endless phone calls and messages, suicide threats, bull**** bull**** bull****, nothing actually happened, 2 weeks later she was with someone else, as girls so often are. By which time i had found out from a friend that she had also cheated on me. Now, i am with the woman of my dreams, like actually, i have dreamed about her since we met 5 years ago. I still cant believe that we are together and were nearly a year down the line now, but still my confidence is low, and my paranoia drives me ****ing crazy. Shes absolutely beautiful, and however much she says she doesnt see how people look at her, i do, and it drives me up the freaking wall. I have come to the conclusion that all i can do is trust her, and hope that i am doing the right thing. I know she loves me, for now, that is enough, and i know she will talk to me about whats in my head if i need to. I'm 28 now, and still my past bothers me, ****s with my head, but there is nothing i can do about it, save for pills, and that is not an option, so i just have to deal with it. But i feel your pain buddy, i really do!

[Chi townD]

I think your biggest problem is that you fell in love with this girl. A good definition of love is the ability to give someone your heart and trusting them enough not to break it. Well, she broke it and it shook you to the core.

 

What you did in your past was your past. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! And you didn't deserve to be cheated on because sh thought she was missing out on something. Well, now she is. She's missing out on you!

 

So you can shoulda, woulda, coulda all day long an it won't change anything. This is her problem. One day, she may realize that she made a mistake, but it's a mistake she has to live with, because you don't have to.

[Reddice]

The reality is that you could not, in a million years, have avoided this situation. It happened, because it happened. Not because you did anything wrong or because you were not good enough. It happened because she is just that kind of person.

 

I often think that people underestimate what cheating can do to a person. I guess I was the opposite of you. I was very careful, planned everything out, saved up money for "our" future and just thought about safety first. Now... I just don't give a damn about anything anymore. I'm taking an expensive holiday in a couple of weeks, am wasting all the money I saved up and just try to sleep with as many girls as I can.

[TDash]

Know how you feel buddy. I had occasional girlfriend in my younger days, but nothing serious, for a long time i was far more interested in sex, weed and computer games. despite that the few short term relationships i had ended with me being cheated on. My first really serious relationship was when i was about 18, like you say in your first post, she was a virgin, i was not, however, this wasnt much of a problem, we even got married a few years down the line, i was 24, however, she ended up cheating on me for a long time with someone who called himself my "friend", *******, and we separated after only 10 months being married. After that i was pretty messed up, self confidence was screwed, as were my trust issues, but i ended up with another girl, which was nice for a while, but i think there was a level of rebound in the whole situation. Well, after a year or so we broke up, i was finding all of the problems with what we were doing, she was a very immature girl, certainly for her age, (25 btw). After we split up i got endless phone calls and messages, suicide threats, bull**** bull**** bull****, nothing actually happened, 2 weeks later she was with someone else, as girls so often are. By which time i had found out from a friend that she had also cheated on me. Now, i am with the woman of my dreams, like actually, i have dreamed about her since we met 5 years ago. I still cant believe that we are together and were nearly a year down the line now, but still my confidence is low, and my paranoia drives me ****ing crazy. Shes absolutely beautiful, and however much she says she doesnt see how people look at her, i do, and it drives me up the freaking wall. I have come to the conclusion that all i can do is trust her, and hope that i am doing the right thing. I know she loves me, for now, that is enough, and i know she will talk to me about whats in my head if i need to. I'm 28 now, and still my past bothers me, ****s with my head, but there is nothing i can do about it, save for pills, and that is not an option, so i just have to deal with it. But i feel your pain buddy, i really do!

Thanks for sharing your story, man. My ability... or should I say willingness... to trust is shattered. At least for the time being. I'm a combination of being angry, hurt, upset, depressed, etc... you know, I have this inner drive, a voice, in my head saying, "go out and do what you want in life!" but at the same time, I keep asking myself, "Why bother? Why bother if all the plans she and I made blew up, and she went from being an angel to a [insert what you want here to describe a lying, cheating, remorseless, careless, immature and common-senseless female]?" Hope I can turn it all around like you, but I know, for the rest of my life, these 'trust issues' will always be there, because I'll never forget the memories of what she did.

[TDash]

I think your biggest problem is that you fell in love with this girl. A good definition of love is the ability to give someone your heart and trusting them enough not to break it. Well, she broke it and it shook you to the core.

 

What you did in your past was your past. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! And you didn't deserve to be cheated on because sh thought she was missing out on something. Well, now she is. She's missing out on you!

 

So you can shoulda, woulda, coulda all day long an it won't change anything. This is her problem. One day, she may realize that she made a mistake, but it's a mistake she has to live with, because you don't have to.

Thanks for replying again!

 

I find it ridiculous that, one of the last things she arrogantly told me while immaturely rolling her eyes, was that I needed to 'get over my trust issues' as if there's some sort of video game controller where I can go into the settings of 'life' and change the 'difficulty' or 'reset' options.

 

I don't know how the heck I'm going to be able to let go and feel liberated from these self-set chains? I feel so much anger and hurt, even these days, from that, all too often. I like what the NFL player Ray Lewis said to the Stanford Cardinal basketball team a few months ago when he told them to be "pissed off for greatness". It was inspiring, no doubt. I like the quote, too. But I'm pissed off to be pissed off, and the inner drive I wrote about in the above post comes around here and there, but I usually end up with a "Meh, what's the point?" response. I expend a lot of the pent up energy with resistance training with weights, but after I'm done, even if it was a great session, I still say "Meh..."

[TDash]

The reality is that you could not, in a million years, have avoided this situation. It happened, because it happened. Not because you did anything wrong or because you were not good enough. It happened because she is just that kind of person.

 

I often think that people underestimate what cheating can do to a person. I guess I was the opposite of you. I was very careful, planned everything out, saved up money for "our" future and just thought about safety first. Now... I just don't give a damn about anything anymore. I'm taking an expensive holiday in a couple of weeks, am wasting all the money I saved up and just try to sleep with as many girls as I can.

Thanks for replying!

 

I know, I know... it's just that she wasn't always that kind of person. Or at least she held in her thoughts of jealousy over my past for a long time, and during that great first year, she turned down guys left and right, then things went all to hell after a while. I guess it's because she began 'testing' me, and instead of standing firm, I made excruciating mistakes like apologizing for no warranted reasons and putting her on a high-top pedestal. I waste too much of my time wondering what would have been different if I would have did the opposite and stood firm. Maybe the relationship would have been lost, but I would have respected myself more in the future, at least in hindsight.

 

Sounds like a good plan (what you are doing). Have fun. My sex drive is ridiculous, and on a daily basis -- since it's the summer time and so many beautiful girls are looking incredible in the shorts, skirts, sundresses, etc. (just saying) -- I get the urge to go out and animalistically demolish some pie (staying PC on here with some poor metaphors). Obviously, the idea of a relationship makes me sick to my stomach, and I don't need that, but around the middle of July I'm hanging out with one of my buddies and hitting some bars. Don't know how that will turn out, but I need to get my mindset right. I'm broken, and -- repeating it for the 100th time because it's simply the truth -- my confidence is shot.

[BurntBroski]

You said your confidence was shot, but look at it this way. What's so great about her or why do you allow someone like her to have so much power over your life? I get it, you were in love, still in love with the person she was. I have felt similar to that before, but ask yourself what is so amazing about her that keeps you from letting go, moving on and being happy again?

[TDash]

You said your confidence was shot, but look at it this way. What's so great about her or why do you allow someone like her to have so much power over your life? I get it, you were in love, still in love with the person she was. I have felt similar to that before, but ask yourself what is so amazing about her that keeps you from letting go, moving on and being happy again?

She's a stunningly beautiful girl that -- once upon a time -- had a personality to match. Just like the smile she had, her personality glowed. At one point, she was my dream girl. Short, curvy, long hair, perfect eyes... amazing personality, voice, loved the same foods as I as well as the same music, was humorous, etc. Thinking about how she went from that to what she turned into kills me inside. Thinking about how she doesn't give a **** bothers me. I remember how she told me she'd never cheat. Thinking about her being the girl she used to be to another guy and not cheating on him hurts.

 

I think back to all the things she told me, all the promises, all the plans we made, and then I think about what happened, and it's truly shaken me to my core and I've lost touch with who I was. Man oh man, I used to be a damn irrationally self-confident guy with everything going for him, and I can't help but feel like I F'ed it up by not standing firm when I should have. I know you guys said I did nothing wrong, but if I could only go back in time... ! These shoulda, woulda, couldas are going to be the death of me, as well as nostalgia! I want to stop reminiscing over the past like I've been. It's screwing me up. I feel like a nutjob.

 

Moving on from all of that, and what she used to be to the heartbreaking reality of the typical girl she turned into, and knowing that what she did to me doesn't even bother her at all even after what we've been through, is the toughest part. How do I let go?

[stillafool]

There is nothing you could do to stop this girl from turning into the person she is now. Simply saying "grow up and get over it" was not going to work. I'm sorry but I don't understand why you broke up in the first place. Was it that she cheated on you or you cheated on her?

[TDash]

I'm sorry but I don't understand why you broke up in the first place. Was it that she cheated on you or you cheated on her?

Reread the thread, slowly and carefully. I never cheated on her.

[SleeplessRomantic]

Realize it's done and that it's over, and ask yourself: you are spending all this time thinking about a girl that you were great to, a girl that didn't appreciate you (in the end, at least)... you are thinking about her and she isn't thinking about you. She's over you, but you aren't over her.

 

So you are at the crossroads, mate. There's only one way to go and that's up. Life's too short to wallow in the mire. She is only one girl, and she sounds insanely average if you think about the type of person she turned out to be. Please think about this and all of what I wrote.

[Flyin in Clouds]

You're agonizing over a girl that cheated on you? WTF?

 

Let's compare. She cheated, you had a past.... Uh, they aren't equal.

 

Now if both of you agreed she should get laid to "even the score" that's one thing. But to cheat is another.