Mary1 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 I have been with my husband for 11 years. We got married 2 months ago. However about 10 months ago I started having feelings for someone else and he did for me too. As time went on, we fell deeply in love but decided to bury these feelings as I was getting married and he was with his girlfriend of 5 years. I was really heartbroken. I couldn't stop crying when on my own thinking what I had done, what I was doing but I didn't want to be on my own. On my wedding day I thought of him but tried to bury it deep in me. I had a really nice wedding day. About a week later, I received a letter from him saying he had made the biggest mistake of his life, stepping back from our love. HE still loves me. I still love him. How can I now tell my husband that I love someone else and I want to be with him. We haven't even had our photos printed or our honeymoon yet. How can I do that to our families. HELP me please....
thatone Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 you could help your husband and the other man by leaving and never talking to either of them again. as for helping you, you're a pretty terrible person so don't really have much advice.
pteromom Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 However about 10 months ago I started having feelings for someone else and he did for me too. As time went on, we fell deeply in love but decided to bury these feelings as I was getting married and he was with his girlfriend of 5 years. You can't fall "deeply in love" with someone in 10 months. In 10 months, you don't even really know him. And you certainly don't know what it is like to LIVE with him. You don't know how he deals with housework, finances, and the other boring life obligations. Your relationship with him has been based on only emotion, without any of the real life drudgery getting in the way. That's not a real relationship. You have filled in everything you don't know with GOOD, but in reality, you don't know a lot about him. You have built him up in your mind as a fantasy, and your feelings are based on that fantasy as well as your attraction to him. I don't think that is worth throwing a marriage away for, but it's your life. If you really want to leave your husband, sooner is better. Rip the bandaid off and do it. But yes, you will hurt him, and you will hurt your families, all for some guy who says he loves you but doesn't really know you either. 7
fucpcg Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 HELP me please.... You got yourself into this situation by getting married when you shouldn't have, and now only you can get yourself out. Nobody here has magic wisdom on how you can just walk away and nobody gets hurt and it's no big deal. It will be a huge deal. So before you do it, think about what pteromom said long... and hard..... 1
trippi1432 Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Wow!! pteromom, you took the words out of my mouth, you really don't know someone until you are in their lives in the real world every day. Mary1, you might convince yourself that what you feel for this other man is real, but it is just emotional. I spent 12 years in a very long engagement to my exH before I married him and I can say that he and I never had an emotional connection. That is what you may be lacking with your current husband. 11 years is a lot of history, a lot of time together to really know another person. In that time together, you get to know what you can live with and what you can't. If you could define what you have now, what would you want from your husband that you feel you haven't gotten in those 11 years?
KathyM Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 You've already been unfaithful to your husband in your heart. I suggest you leave the marriage so your husband can find someone who will actually love and appreciate him. 1
2.50 a gallon Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 As pteromom said, it is all a fantasy. I really think he is playing you. Five years with his current GF. and he hasn't made a move If it is was truly love. The real thing! He would have fought for you before the wedding, or even pulled an "Elaine" as in the Graduate, instead he let another man meet you at the alter, that says it all Tell him so sad, too bad, you waited too long
Green Light Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 I have been with my husband for 11 years. We got married 2 months ago. However about 10 months ago I started having feelings for someone else and he did for me too. As time went on, we fell deeply in love but decided to bury these feelings as I was getting married and he was with his girlfriend of 5 years. I was really heartbroken. I couldn't stop crying when on my own thinking what I had done, what I was doing but I didn't want to be on my own. On my wedding day I thought of him but tried to bury it deep in me. I had a really nice wedding day. About a week later, I received a letter from him saying he had made the biggest mistake of his life, stepping back from our love. HE still loves me. I still love him. How can I now tell my husband that I love someone else and I want to be with him. We haven't even had our photos printed or our honeymoon yet. How can I do that to our families. HELP me please.... I feel so sorry for your poor husband. 1
Green Light Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 or even pulled an "Elaine" as in the Graduate That that was such a great scene! And a great movie! 1
notbroken Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Neither of the two guys is going to work out. The new guy is just a fantasy as someone said. You'll divorce him too after you figure out he is not really a knight in shining armor. Your husband deserves someone that loves him and can be faithful. It will hurt him, but he deserves much better than someone living in fantasy land that doesn't love him.
Alice2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 About a week later, I received a letter from him saying he had made the biggest mistake of his life, stepping back from our love. HE still loves me. I would hold off on serving hubby with divorce papers. It sounds like your boyfriend merely wants to have an affair.
Author Mary1 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 Well I ended things with the other man and tried to make a go at the marriage. 16 months in and - my husband still lives with his parents and doesn't seem to be moving out anytime soon. We are long distance and haven't lived together ever, after 15 years and 16 months of marriage. My husband and I see each other every 1 or 2 weekends. He doesn't have his own place, never has and I think he is quite happy letting things stroll on. So now, I feel the unhappiest I have ever felt and feel trapped and that I have wasted half my life. You will all most likely say I deserve to feel like this so..
Author Mary1 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Posted July 30, 2013 typo: it's over 12 years together and nearly 16 months married.
hayewils Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 in my opinion, You've been nothing but unfair to your husband and yourself. if you feel that you had feelings with this OM 10 months before you got married, there was your chance to end it and call things off, even though you now say you ended things with the OM. I think you should talk to a therapist.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Why didnt your husband move in with you? Have you been unhappy with him all 12 years?
hayewils Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Why do people get married anymore? Exactly!! nobody cares about "better for worse" nobody cares for 'richer for poorer","in sickness and in health" till death do you part. they are only words from the quitter. Then the rest of us are the ones who get hurt. my wife didn't like the "worse" part and hauled a** instead of talking and working on making things get to "better"..
Oberfeldwebel Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 The only thing worse than marrying a man under false pretenses is to string him along for another day. You need to take a day away to make sure this is what you really want and then put on your big girl pants and tell everyone. You allowed yourself the fairy tale wedding, even though you didn't love this man. Bad news never gets better with age, so don't string him along any longer IF you are sure you want the other man. The bad thing is you want the fantasy and not the real man. The man you have chosen, cheated with you before you even got to the starting line of the relationship. Do you really thing that in time he won't do the same thing to you. Personally, I think you need to break off the relationship, tell your husband and family, then get into individual counseling. Hopefully with counseling you can get to the root of the real problem and then move to couples counseling and a marriage. I think your husband deserves that much, but if you aren't going to do the work it takes to fix it, then just do what you have to do quickly. 1
Mint Sauce Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 How can I do that to our families. You might be surprised how they take it. I can imagine your parents being relieved that this relationship with your husband, which is obviously going nowhere, finally ends, and you're free to make a 2nd attempt at becoming happy in life. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a marriage ceremony to get to that point, but an ironical catalyst can still be a good catalyst. How does your H feel about your relationship? Is he really happy to just let it flow as it does now?
Author Mary1 Posted July 31, 2013 Author Posted July 31, 2013 Like I already said, things are over with the OM and have been for a long time. It's now over a year since my original post and like I said my H still lives with his parents. We live and work in different cities, about 200 miles apart. I have had 2 talks with my H to explain that I am unhappy with the fact that he lives with his parents and has never moved out to have his or our own place when I visit his city (which is both our home town). I have my place in my city so the only time we have together is when he visits me here. He says he's been looking for a place for 9 months but has not yet found one. Maybe because of how I felt before I am now unwilling to remain patient and go through the 'for worse' as some of you put it. My H hasn't made much effort to move out of his parents (and this is after 16months marriage and he is 33yrs) for us to have a place in his city and I feel like we are still in this child-like relationship where he's at his parents and visits me for a weekend every other week.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Like I already said, things are over with the OM and have been for a long time. It's now over a year since my original post and like I said my H still lives with his parents. We live and work in different cities, about 200 miles apart. I have had 2 talks with my H to explain that I am unhappy with the fact that he lives with his parents and has never moved out to have his or our own place when I visit his city (which is both our home town). I have my place in my city so the only time we have together is when he visits me here. He says he's been looking for a place for 9 months but has not yet found one. Maybe because of how I felt before I am now unwilling to remain patient and go through the 'for worse' as some of you put it. My H hasn't made much effort to move out of his parents (and this is after 16months marriage and he is 33yrs) for us to have a place in his city and I feel like we are still in this child-like relationship where he's at his parents and visits me for a weekend every other week. Regardless of who he lives with, how would you sustain a marriage seeing each other 4-5 days a month? And how do you embark on a course that puts you today in these circumstances? Not a recipe for marital success... Mr. Lucky
along60years Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Read "The Passion Paradox" (I.e. "The Passion Trap") right now!!! You can buy it used on Amazon, cut the other guy out completely and work on your marriage so you can make a real decision about it without chemistry and butterflies screwing with your head. I doubt what is going on really has anything to do with the other guy, it's just playtime to mask something else going on in YOUR life/relationship. It doesn't even sound like the dunce left his girlfriend. This is all stupid, but that book talks about this kind of situation pretty directly and is excellent.
along60years Posted July 31, 2013 Posted July 31, 2013 Okay, did not see this whole new chapter. Is he possibly just proud and doesn't want to follow the woman around or be told what to do? His attitude seems odd. Are his parents ill or anything? Seems like there has to be more to the story than the 1 year jump let us in on.
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