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Does sleeping with an ex really ruin a second chance?


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Posted

Hey guys, obviously from reading the title you can guess that I have indeed slept with an ex.

 

We broke up 6 weeks ago, after 8 months together, they were a good 8 months with very few arguments. The breakup came as a shock to me, even though it came after an argument (well I was stupid enough to ask 'do you even WANT a girlfriend?! and it turns out that he decided that no he didn't (to cut a long story short, he's very focused on university work and he's going to vietnam for a month this summer...so ideally he'd want to be single for that)During the past month or so I'd been doing limited contact with him anyway to help me move on (we'd go a week or so without speaking then most of the time, he'd text, on one occasion I broke it).

 

Anyway, last week I went to see him and ask if he wanted to get a drink, he was pretty shocked to see me, but obliged and we had a drink and a catch up and were having a laugh until we realised I'd missed my last train home (accidental, I assure you!) so I had no option but to stay at his...

 

He was unsure about this even though I said I had no problems sleeping elsewhere, he wouldn't have that though but he then he said he wouldn't be able to trust himself If I were next to him, and I admitted that neither would I, but would that be such a bad thing? He said he was worried it would give me a reason to think we were getting back together. SO to iron this out, we a long chat.

 

I said that I didn't expect for it to change things or for it to mean we were back together. I asked if there was ever a chance, he said he didn't see us getting together, I asked ever ever and he said he doesn't know (huh?!). He eventually admitted that he does still like me (but obviously can't commit anymore all of a sudden) and knows that he may feel differently in a few months BUT doesn't expect me to wait around (hell, if a gorgeous guy asks me out, I will not say no!) and knows he'd have to win me over. Even I know I may feel differently when he's back from his travels in Sept.

 

Sleeping together actually seemed to break the ice between us as afterwards we were much more comfortable with each other. He definitely wasn't just in it for himself (if you get me haha) and he was affectionate afterwards and in the morning. I know he wanted to play it 'cool' with it being 'just sex' but those things suggested a little bit more behind it. There is definitely a lot of feeling and chemistry between us still (I think our breakup was down to timing...he had exams, this holiday is coming up...there is no hate between us, no cheating etc) and I'd know a detached 'wham bam thank ya ma'am' sex session if I saw it.

 

So, we parted on good friendly terms (kiss and hug goodbye, few jokes etc) and I felt pretty damn good (naturally haha) and amazingly I didn't text him the entire week (didn't really feel the need to actually) until HE text me yesterday...how should I interpret that? It was just a 'hey hows things' though.

 

I am just confused as to whether 'giving it up' to him has ruined the chance that he might chase me back? or does this simple text suggest otherwise? I suppose I would like to see him again, but obviously see if sex isn't his only motivation.

 

I am not unhappy with what we did, I feel ok about things, as I've been moving on with my life (I've got a new job, a new car etc...) I just don't know what my next move should be? keep in touch over texts and see where it leads? I have few expectations at the moment as he did make it clear what he wants right now, but I know things can change....

Posted
Hey guys, obviously from reading the title you can guess that I have indeed slept with an ex.

 

We broke up 6 weeks ago, after 8 months together, they were a good 8 months with very few arguments. The breakup came as a shock to me, even though it came after an argument (well I was stupid enough to ask 'do you even WANT a girlfriend?! and it turns out that he decided that no he didn't (to cut a long story short, he's very focused on university work and he's going to vietnam for a month this summer...so ideally he'd want to be single for that)During the past month or so I'd been doing limited contact with him anyway to help me move on (we'd go a week or so without speaking then most of the time, he'd text, on one occasion I broke it).

 

Anyway, last week I went to see him and ask if he wanted to get a drink, he was pretty shocked to see me, but obliged and we had a drink and a catch up and were having a laugh until we realised I'd missed my last train home (accidental, I assure you!) so I had no option but to stay at his...

 

He was unsure about this even though I said I had no problems sleeping elsewhere, he wouldn't have that though but he then he said he wouldn't be able to trust himself If I were next to him, and I admitted that neither would I, but would that be such a bad thing? He said he was worried it would give me a reason to think we were getting back together. SO to iron this out, we a long chat.

 

I said that I didn't expect for it to change things or for it to mean we were back together. I asked if there was ever a chance, he said he didn't see us getting together, I asked ever ever and he said he doesn't know (huh?!). He eventually admitted that he does still like me (but obviously can't commit anymore all of a sudden) and knows that he may feel differently in a few months BUT doesn't expect me to wait around (hell, if a gorgeous guy asks me out, I will not say no!) and knows he'd have to win me over. Even I know I may feel differently when he's back from his travels in Sept.

 

Sleeping together actually seemed to break the ice between us as afterwards we were much more comfortable with each other. He definitely wasn't just in it for himself (if you get me haha) and he was affectionate afterwards and in the morning. I know he wanted to play it 'cool' with it being 'just sex' but those things suggested a little bit more behind it. There is definitely a lot of feeling and chemistry between us still (I think our breakup was down to timing...he had exams, this holiday is coming up...there is no hate between us, no cheating etc) and I'd know a detached 'wham bam thank ya ma'am' sex session if I saw it.

 

So, we parted on good friendly terms (kiss and hug goodbye, few jokes etc) and I felt pretty damn good (naturally haha) and amazingly I didn't text him the entire week (didn't really feel the need to actually) until HE text me yesterday...how should I interpret that? It was just a 'hey hows things' though.

 

I am just confused as to whether 'giving it up' to him has ruined the chance that he might chase me back? or does this simple text suggest otherwise? I suppose I would like to see him again, but obviously see if sex isn't his only motivation.

 

I am not unhappy with what we did, I feel ok about things, as I've been moving on with my life (I've got a new job, a new car etc...) I just don't know what my next move should be? keep in touch over texts and see where it leads? I have few expectations at the moment as he did make it clear what he wants right now, but I know things can change....

 

Im not pretty much of a love guru. But you have to ask yourself that question first (in your head)? Do you want this?

 

Because the only way that you should and must consider is when he decides to give himself (100%) fully to you. You can test his intentions out but beware of course. You don't wana end up hurting yourself again.

 

(This is based on all counseling sessions that i've had,people had here in LS)

  • Author
Posted

Thank you for your reply :)

 

Yes, this is a question I have been asking myself as I am frightened about hurting again, I don't want to go straight back to square one as I've come a long way already in 6 weeks and I don't want to damage that.

 

And I do know that really I deserve his 100% full commitment and not just 50% or whatever.

 

So I suppose I do have to figure out his intentions, they seem to change a lot though. For the sake of myself though, I am treading very carefully...hence the reason I didn't jump in there with texts and calls, asking for another chance to meet up. I suppose my hesitation is due to me asking myself if I really want to go down this road.

Posted
Thank you for your reply :)

 

Yes, this is a question I have been asking myself as I am frightened about hurting again, I don't want to go straight back to square one as I've come a long way already in 6 weeks and I don't want to damage that.

 

And I do know that really I deserve his 100% full commitment and not just 50% or whatever.

 

So I suppose I do have to figure out his intentions, they seem to change a lot though. For the sake of myself though, I am treading very carefully...hence the reason I didn't jump in there with texts and calls, asking for another chance to meet up. I suppose my hesitation is due to me asking myself if I really want to go down this road.

 

I hear you and I know the feeling. I got dumped though I initiated it for good intentions and not to leave her or whatnot. Well back to you, your approach would sound normal coming from a dumpee's pov coz you got hurt and you are uncertain that it wouldn't happen again.

 

But still you have to bare in mind that you've to be forgiving there are things in life that is somewhat hard to expalin. People are dealing with their own monsters in life. right? So, dont punish yourself with what has happened. Take it slow and make sure to be direct when breadcrumbs is being thrown upon you. You don't want to go back to that LIMBO!

  • Author
Posted

Yeah, I've found it hard to understand why he can't explain exactly why that right now he needs to be alone and single, even though I'm pretty sure it's so he can have a hassle free summer and go on his trip feeling worry free, which I CAN understand, and I suppose I can forgive IF he realises he wants me back and is willing to put the work in.

 

What do you mean when you talk about breadcrumbs (sorry, I am probably being incredibly dumb here!)

 

but I definitely can say I don't want to be in Limbo!

Posted
Yeah, I've found it hard to understand why he can't explain exactly why that right now he needs to be alone and single, even though I'm pretty sure it's so he can have a hassle free summer and go on his trip feeling worry free, which I CAN understand, and I suppose I can forgive IF he realises he wants me back and is willing to put the work in.

 

What do you mean when you talk about breadcrumbs (sorry, I am probably being incredibly dumb here!)

 

but I definitely can say I don't want to be in Limbo!

 

I feel you for this. The feeling that they pretend to not care and just move on sucks bigtime. If only I've listened to the people here earlier I wouldn't have done the needy,clingy,efforts to win them back.

 

But still I chose to back down because this "ex" of mine was really an angel sent from up above. Never did me wrong and such. It's just that when we get drowned by scenarios or situations with life we just tend to break free. When I initiated it of course she went to her defense and locked herself up. Little does she know that I am faced with the same crap she is into.

 

When she left I ran after her because my intentions were for the better and not to blew her off. I've tried explaining,reasoning myself out nothing happened. from LC to NC and now im HISTORY.

 

One thing i've learned is to never validate their ego. It will give them extra push that what they did was a good decision. So, backing down was the best thing I did let them deal with their monsters and let them find out that what was lost is the best thing that can ever happen to them. The only time that I will and will only consider is to do the 180 degrees and give herself fully to me.

 

Speaking of Breadcrumbs: this is more like to fish around or check you out.

  • Author
Posted

Thank you! I see now what you mean!

 

I did the crying & begging in the first week of the break up, but I soon learned to stop as it was only making him more frustrated with me and convincing him more than he was making the right decision.

 

I'm still keeping my distance for several reasons; to protect myself and to become the happy single version of me again and to give him the chance to reflect and to give him the space he asked for.

 

I suppose, everything boils down to 'what will be will be' doesn't it?

Posted
Thank you! I see now what you mean!

 

I did the crying & begging in the first week of the break up, but I soon learned to stop as it was only making him more frustrated with me and convincing him more than he was making the right decision.

 

I'm still keeping my distance for several reasons; to protect myself and to become the happy single version of me again and to give him the chance to reflect and to give him the space he asked for.

 

I suppose, everything boils down to 'what will be will be' doesn't it?

 

Exaclty! We dont have any control in this stage. No matter how hard we try to act,interpret etc. it will only make us crazy. Lol

 

Best thing is to work on ourselves.

Posted

If the caveman didn't do the hunting, he is unlikely to appreciate the dinner. Heck, I will put it into simple English. If the guy hasn't done the chasing, he will appreciate you less. Future, current or ex. It's all the same.

 

When will girls learn that in order to get a grip on his emotions and needs, you gotta make HIM pursue you? If you give yourself too easily, he will never chase you. And he will not want you.

 

You want him to want you. Ex or no ex. If you want him back, you have to let him chase you back. Win you back. He can't do that if you're in his face all the time. He can't chase you if you don't run.

 

So run girl. Run far far away from him. Heck, if he doesn't chase you, who cares. You've run a distance and had a good workout. No, seriously, once you're far from him, you'll run into another guy. Perhaps a better guy. Life goes on.

 

If he chases you, awesome! You get what you want.

 

It's better than begging him back. The worst thing is, he had already told you in your face he doesn't want you back. That hurts. Reading it, I wonder how you pick up the pieces of your smashed ego on the floor... If a guy says he doesn't want you, he means that. HE DOESN'T WANT YOU.

 

Now glue what is left of your dignity and move on.

Posted

he did tell you clearly he did not see a future with you,even he is telling the truth that he likes you,it is not the same as love you,i can like my cat,doesnt mean i love it.I slept with the ex before twice..it became warm awhile and she also broke the ice and be more warm to me,but it dint last long before she turned cold turkey again..Its just my story,sorry but i must say it does ruin second chances

 

TD

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