ItWentWrong Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 So I am new to LS and have read quite a few posts out there. I think my story is similar to so many others its scary. ill give a background, and would love to hear some thoughts on the way it ended...or anyone thoughts in general about her contacting me. We started our relationship in Feb 2011, through my brothers current girlfriend. My ex saw me and wanted to be introduced. We hit it off right away...laughing...joking...enjoying everything about each other. The only initial problem was that she was newly 20 at the time and I was 26. Even though I had warnings from my friends up-front...I decided that I would continue to pursue based on the unbelievable attraction and chemistry we had. We started to date...and everything was great. We lived 35 min away from each...but I often made trips down to visit her in her hometown where she lived with 3 other girls. She often visited me in my hometown as I live alone and really enjoyed being at my place. It was a good balance. Everything was going great. Fast forward to the end of April 2012. She was going to school...and was having a very hectic semester. We weren't able to see each other near as much as we had in the beginning of the relationship. She seem to stop putting so much effort into coming to see me. She would rarely ask me to come and hang out with her at her place due to her busy schedule. I didn't want to put anymore stress on her, because I knew how much trouble she was having with her school. Finally...it became too much for me to take and brought it up over a phone convo. Things got heated...and she...out of no where...said maybe we should take a break. I was shocked...couldn't believe the girl I thought loved me so much would say that. I said rationally...lets take a night to think about this...and come back to it tomorrow. The next day we spoke and decided it was a comment she didn't mean..and was just under a lot of stress. We hung out that night...and couldn't have been more lovey dovey. I thought everything was fine. 3 weeks later...things hadn't changed and I felt as if she was becoming more distant. After an awesome date to Cirque du Solie and drinks ($300 night) we went back to my place. We were kissing in the elevator..kissing all the way down my hallway to my condo. We got into my condo...and for some reason we got into a little debate. That led me to say...while drinking...that I had a feeling that something was wrong. I had her at the top of my priority list...while she had me at the bottom of hers. How I felt that she had two separate lives....one with school and her friends in her hometown..and one with me in mine.(She began to distance me from her life in her hometown) She listed her priorities to me: 1.School 2.Family 3.Friends 4.Work 5.Gym 6.Me. absolutely crushed me. I sat there flabbergasted and teary eyed. when i got tear-eyed she started texting her brother to come pick her up, as she no longer wanted to stay the night at my place. She wanted to stay the night in her own bed. the next day we agreed we had to talk. I drove to her place...and told her I thought we had put all of our cards on the table the previous night..she then told me "She lost that feeling...she didnt want us to hate each other...she was worried this was the biggest mistake of her life....she wanted to blame things on me but couldn't...things weren't the same" I told her that we should go our separate ways if this was the case....I never cried...I sat there and took it in. when she was done... we exchanged personal items...she walked me to my car...we embraced while she cried and I told her everything was going to be ok...and she would be fine. i drove away...and bawled my eyes out all the way home. That was over 5 weeks ago. I have since found out that she had been hanging out with another guy while we were dating. There were instances where she lied to me about where she was...when she was with him. She texted him while we were together...and told me there were "just friends". I am no longer on FB...but have been told there were pictures on there of her kissing his cheek the weekend after we broke up. That he is constantly on her page...and it seems they are hanging out everyday. By all signs...its seems as they are dating...although I am not certain. So all the bullsh*t excuses she fed me...it was because of another guy..is what my thoughts are. (She does not know that I know she lied...and has no idea that I know anything about this new guy. I have kept radio silence) In the 5 weeks...there have been two text convos...and one where I did not respond. The first was sent a 3am...2 weeks after the breakup... telling me how tough the breakup was on her and wanted to stay friends. I kept rational saying...if she thought things were wrong she was right to leave. and a friendship was possible. (I shouldnt have said this...as its not possible for me right now) The second one was sent 3 weeks after the breakup...and she asked me pretty much...how nice the weather was. i responded like a moron....with nothing of importance...but ended the text with "ill let you get back to what your doing. have a good day" since then...she sent me a text this Saturday night about an inside joke we had. I finally said no more...and NC. I did not respond. After all the sh*tty things I have seen from my "perfect girl" I dont want to be her doormat. She has a new man she is talking with...why cant she text him those things? Why does she feel the need to have "casual" convo with me? in the 5 weeks....I have come along way. I was a wreck in the beginning...but never begged...never pleaded with her...let her walk away. i felt I have done well...and held myself with dignity. I never cheated...I never lied...and was always great to her. I have not told her about how I know she lied...have not said anything about her new guy friend... I feel as I need to move on and NC is the only way. the thing is...I want this girl back so bad. The only power I have is NC...and tomorrow will be a full 3 weeks of it. Just sucks...how much this sucks.... Really sorry for the length of this post....
fucpcg Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 The best I can share with you is that girls at that age just aren't equipped to keep a real long term relationship. There are exceptions to the rule, as always, but that is the rule. I dated a girl 21-25ish, she was one year older. On weekend we were on lovers retreat to niagara falls, two weekends later a business then extended stay for weekend in Houston, then two weekends after that she moved down to Florida, took a job with a business colleague of mine she met at a trade show I brought to with me, and I never even knew what happened till friends of mine were calling saying "hey why is your girlfriend in florida working for your competitor?". She never told me anything just started a fight with me weekend before moving, didn't talk all week, I thought I was letting her calm down, then find out she moved. Oh and during that week of silence before the move, she slept with a buddy of mine from high school. This girl was my best friend, my lover, I thought my future wife... WTF? I'm sorry for you, I know it's hard. My girl and I were together bout 4 years before she did this, and she had a son that I raised, as we lived together about 3 of those years. Come to find out later on, there were encounters she had with guys the nights she was "out with the girls" and I was at home with her son playing the caring boyfriend. Young girls don't really know what they want from life... and sometimes ypu are with one that when she decides a change is appropriate for her, she just goes and does it, and too often in a very callous way.
fucpcg Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Oh and she did come back. That's why I said 25ish... she left me at 24, came back a year later apologizing, we worked on patching things up from a distance... then boom she got nasty with me again, threw me out in the trash in a most hurtful way again, and there was a new man in her picture, that she eventually married, then eventually divorced. Sorry I don't have a bettwr story to share.
Boynextdoor Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Oh and she did come back. That's why I said 25ish... she left me at 24, came back a year later apologizing, we worked on patching things up from a distance... then boom she got nasty with me again, threw me out in the trash in a most hurtful way again, and there was a new man in her picture, that she eventually married, then eventually divorced. Sorry I don't have a bettwr story to share. This goes to show that 2nd chances do happen no matter what it is. Because in the end things will sink in little by little. They may not see it now for being clouded by random stuff but in the end eventually they will. Big question there is that.. At what COST?
Author ItWentWrong Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 I guess the biggest take-away for me...and hardest part is that I thought something was so "true" but it wasnt. It was all a lie. I dont see the need in calling her out on it...cause what will it do? I think at that point I am trying to elicit a response from her.... Is it possible she is feeling guilt right now...and that why she texts me randomly? Any idea why she would text me still after the breakup? I am next to positive alcohol was a factor in the most recent text...but still...why text if you have someone new?
Boynextdoor Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 (edited) I guess the biggest take-away for me...and hardest part is that I thought something was so "true" but it wasnt. It was all a lie. I dont see the need in calling her out on it...cause what will it do? I think at that point I am trying to elicit a response from her.... Is it possible she is feeling guilt right now...and that why she texts me randomly? Any idea why she would text me still after the breakup? I am next to positive alcohol was a factor in the most recent text...but still...why text if you have someone new? Simple.. Breadcrumbs! You will and will only consider when she gives her 100% self to you. Aside from that continue to grow. Prove to her that its not gonna be your loss but hers. (Though it hurts within) You can do it man! We all can! But remember to put the grudges away will help you further. Remember you love/ once loved this person. Dont let yer emotion and feelings eat you. (I know the feeling.. Really believe Me i was once there) Feelings doesnt easily fades away. just learn how to channel it for a while. Never let your fear/s cloud your vision Edited June 27, 2012 by Boynextdoor
Author ItWentWrong Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 fucpcg--although not a great end to the story...it proves that sometimes they do come back. how long did it last when she came back? BoyNextDoor- Thanks for your response and kind words. I have read all over this site...and have successfully done NC before.(2 years ago a relationship ended when a different ex left me for another man...and about a year later she wanted to come back. It took me about 6 months....but I had moved on. It was one of the best feelings of my life to say...no thanks...you had your chance, and now I am over you. to to be able to say that in a cordial...nice...non-caring way is the most empowering feeling a man/woman can have.) Its funny though...I forget how I successfully did it NC in the tough times...and how I worked through it. How to lose the feeling.... "there is no one as nice as her...as friendly as her...as pretty as her." How to take her off of that pedestal we have her on in our minds. I just remember one day...waking up...and feeling complete indifference. Its was so ridiculously hard to get that message from her on Saturday night, and not say anything back. To look at it...smile...control my emotions and put my phone back down and not say a word. Although I badly want to get contact from her...I feel as it if sets me back in a way. It makes me think..."if she thinking about me?" "does she miss me?" "does she miss what we had?" "is she just thinking of me as a friend?" none of those matter i guess....she broke up with me though...breadcrumbs to what? I never understood that part of contact from a dumper.
Boynextdoor Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Breadcrumbs is less. simply fishing or checking you out. Your job is to not to settle with anything else. Never be the Cake! Best saying ever here in Ls!
fucpcg Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Round 2 was about 3-6 months range. It's been so long now I can't remember. It was very short lived.
Author ItWentWrong Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 so then...I guess the million dollar question. what makes them come back? Things were going fine in my relationship...as so many others on this board...I thought everything was great. Understanding NC is for me...and not a manipulative way of getting her back...at what point does a person respond? I am not sure if I will get contact from her again...or more breadcrumbs....but the thought of it does make me anxious.
Gulf-Delta Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 (edited) Classic case of the grass-is-greener-syndrome. Basically, at this point in her life, she is starting to mature. She's making a life transition. None of this is your fault. This is 100% her thing. She isn't a bad person for this, nor is she trying to hurt you. It's just a phase of life that most people go through. People who go through this phase are getting a taste of life and independence. She doesn't hate you, she's conflicted about what is "real" (family, friends, meaningful relationships) and what is superficial. Right now, the superficial is more important...it's not because of something you did, it's not that you weren't good enough. It's just...a thing. There's a good chance she may still have feelings for you, but as it stands, she doesn't have the maturity and social skills to deal with the mix up in priorities or the confusion she may be facing. She doesn't understand that real, committed relationships (be it romantic, platonic, or familial) are one of the most important things in life. No one here can tell you if/when she'll come back...what we can tell you is that there is nothing you can do right now. The only real advice is to stay civil, give her her space. If she wants to talk, let her know what you need from her, and your boundaries. Right now, things are heated with emotion. So just let things cool down....she could come around, but it needs to be on her own. YOU can't force it. Just take time for yourself, date other people. You don't need to forget or hate your ex. Just go out and have fun. Just give her space and time. Don't contact her. If she contacts you, be polite and courteous, and keep it short as possible. If she wants to talk about you two as a couple, tell her your expectations and limits, and what you need out of a relationship if it's gonna work. But for now, just take time to yourself. Get back to old hobbies, go chill with the boys, eat as much junk food as you want....just be a bachelor for a while. Edited June 27, 2012 by Gulf-Delta 3
Author ItWentWrong Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 Wow...so I was just told...that the other guy was all over her FB page again. I guess on Friday they were out Stand up paddle surfing...and then on Sunday hiked the same mountain we did the prior year with her family. I was sitting eating dinner with her family only 6 weeks ago...and now this new guy has already taken my spot and is hiking mountains with her family. Makes me sick. I want to write some kind of email....letting her know that I know. Letting her know that I know that she lied to me during the relationship...and all those lines she fed me during the breakup were bullsh*t. Is this stupid...should I just leave it alone? Seems this new relationship with this guy is great for her. She is doing all kinds of things...and taking all kinds of pictures with him. Makes me really feel like sh*t
Thisisbs Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 You should probably stop trying to find out what's going on in her life, stop caring about her life. Start caring about your own. You feel less hurt when you formulate things they could be doing in your head, opposed to knowing what they're actually doing (atleast that's how it is for me)
Boynextdoor Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Classic case of the grass-is-greener-syndrome. Basically, at this point in her life, she is starting to mature. She's making a life transition. None of this is your fault. This is 100% her thing. She isn't a bad person for this, nor is she trying to hurt you. It's just a phase of life that most people go through. People who go through this phase are getting a taste of life and independence. She doesn't hate you, she's conflicted about what is "real" (family, friends, meaningful relationships) and what is superficial. Right now, the superficial is more important...it's not because of something you did, it's not that you weren't good enough. It's just...a thing. There's a good chance she may still have feelings for you, but as it stands, she doesn't have the maturity and social skills to deal with the mix up in priorities or the confusion she may be facing. She doesn't understand that real, committed relationships (be it romantic, platonic, or familial) are one of the most important things in life. No one here can tell you if/when she'll come back...what we can tell you is that there is nothing you can do right now. The only real advice is to stay civil, give her her space. If she wants to talk, let her know what you need from her, and your boundaries. Right now, things are heated with emotion. So just let things cool down....she could come around, but it needs to be on her own. YOU can't force it. Just take time for yourself, date other people. You don't need to forget or hate your ex. Just go out and have fun. Just give her space and time. Don't contact her. If she contacts you, be polite and courteous, and keep it short as possible. If she wants to talk about you two as a couple, tell her your expectations and limits, and what you need out of a relationship if it's gonna work. But for now, just take time to yourself. Get back to old hobbies, go chill with the boys, eat as much junk food as you want....just be a bachelor for a while. Nuff said man. Owned it!
fucpcg Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 There's the truth, and the examples. I gave you a similar example, GulfDelta gave you the truth. I dont think it could have been put down any better than he just did. Read his post anytime you feel weak.
Gulf-Delta Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Wow...so I was just told...that the other guy was all over her FB page again. I guess on Friday they were out Stand up paddle surfing...and then on Sunday hiked the same mountain we did the prior year with her family. I was sitting eating dinner with her family only 6 weeks ago...and now this new guy has already taken my spot and is hiking mountains with her family. Makes me sick. I want to write some kind of email....letting her know that I know. Letting her know that I know that she lied to me during the relationship...and all those lines she fed me during the breakup were bullsh*t. Is this stupid...should I just leave it alone? Seems this new relationship with this guy is great for her. She is doing all kinds of things...and taking all kinds of pictures with him. Makes me really feel like sh*t You don't know what's going through her head. She could be using this guy and easing the pain of losing you. You can't be replaced. The funny thing is, her feelings for this guy may be much more benign than you suspect. I've heard many stories of couples reuniting where they dated other people for a little bit, but still couldn't get the person they left out of their head.
Author ItWentWrong Posted June 28, 2012 Author Posted June 28, 2012 Thanks for all the advice out there. Gulf Delta...thanks for taking the time...and walking me off the ledge to not write that email. I had a lot of anger towards her yesterday...how could she do this...did I mean nothing to her...straight up put this guy right into the spot I was in before. What I keep telling myself is that this was her decision and I have to respect that. Something about this other guy is making her happy...and maybe its a better relationship for her. Sucks to hear....but its true. I am going to live my life...have fun...fake it til I make it. Heartbreak is one of the worst pains ever. Although I know this guy didnt "replace" me....its hard not to feel that way.
Gulf-Delta Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Thanks for all the advice out there. Gulf Delta...thanks for taking the time...and walking me off the ledge to not write that email. I had a lot of anger towards her yesterday...how could she do this...did I mean nothing to her...straight up put this guy right into the spot I was in before. What I keep telling myself is that this was her decision and I have to respect that. Something about this other guy is making her happy...and maybe its a better relationship for her. Sucks to hear....but its true. I am going to live my life...have fun...fake it til I make it. Heartbreak is one of the worst pains ever. Although I know this guy didnt "replace" me....its hard not to feel that way. Maybe it is better for her, maybe not. He is a different guy. He isn't you, and if the girl has a brain in her head, she knows she can't replace you. It seems like she's being callous, and might seem like she just doesn't give a crap. But ultimately, you don't know what she's thinking. For all you know, she could think about you everyday. She may not, but that's the thing, you have no idea, so why bother thinking about that? Just because she's dating someone doesn't mean she loves him. I know it's hard, and you're pissed, but you just gotta step back and let time and fate take the wheel. Either fate will steer you two back together, or fate will steer you to a new girl. Who knows? In time, you may make peace with everything, and move on entirely. It seems like hard work, giving time and space...but relationships are work. I love my ex dearly...so much that is hurts sometimes. I still have dreams of her coming back to me...and hell, I'll admit I relapse sometimes and contact her sporadically...trust me, I know it's hard. But it needs to be done.
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