Great and Weird.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

I've not posted in awhile. I'm now happily divorced and though the split was mostly amicable, we certainly had our moments as I imagine every couple does. I'm doing well, much better really. Our previous marriage counselor even said she felt I no longer needed her assistance, that I'd progressed to real sanity.

 

But this post is not about my divorce. It's about post divorce dating.

 

Not long after separating, I met a woman and went on a few dates with no expectations. We got along well and the intimacy was great. Meanwhile, we continued to date others.

 

But after maybe six weeks and several dates with her, we both realized we really liked each other's company. A lot. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we're essentially a long-distance romance. We live 90 minutes from one another and due to work and family obligations we really only see each other a night or two during the week and just about every weekend.

 

When we realized we were becoming closer, we discussed our options - total monogamy or something open. We opted for something open, but agreed we'd make special time for one another because we really like each other that much.

 

We've been together almost six months. She's the first real relationship I've had post-divorce and I'm hers (though she's been divorced about two years). We discuss the possibility of mixed families, moving in together and that's something still in the cards.

 

But we're still an open relationship.

 

My problem is she dates a fair amount. And by dates, I mean "has sex with." I've been with her enough to learn her MO: She meets someone either online or in the real world and becomes briefly infatuated and within a couple weeks has forgotten him. By my count, she's been with six others in six months. She always tells me in advance and always asks if it's cool afterwords. I've been with three others in that time.

 

It's not that I'm tallying her numbers and comparing them to mine. It's that in the spirit of total honesty, she provides me with an uncomfortable amount of information. Initially, I thought I'd want details, but I'm now reconsidering. She tells me sizes, lets me (asks me to, actually) read correspondence, shows me pictures, lets me know positions, etc.

 

When we started dating, she admitted she lacked the ability to self edit, that she has no boundaries in all aspects of her life. And I'm seeing that now. When the tables are reversed, I just automatically self edit and purposely leave out information that might hurt her (one woman I was with had a perfect body, another was crazy in bed and did things I never knew possible). But I leave these things out because really, that stuff doesn't matter because my girlfriend is the one I want. I would choose her over the other ladies I've dated in a heartbeat.

 

But when I squirm at the information she presents me or I question why she's meeting someone, she thinks I'm getting jealous. And there's no doubt, part of me is getting jealous. But I also just want to say, how do you do it? How do you even find the physical and mental energy to meet that many new people? Maybe I'm old?

 

I understand some things about her now that I was oblivious to when we first met - she's needy for male attention, she falls in love easily (which I do not).

 

This is rambling. But suffice to say, I really like this woman - she's great, funny, always makes me happy, is pretty, smart, loves sex (obviously), has great friends who've totally accepted me. And she seems to think I'm pretty great, too. But this constant stream of other guys, leads me to believe she's really looking for something else despite what she may say.

[pteromom]

But suffice to say, I really like this woman - she's great, funny, always makes me happy, is pretty, smart, loves sex (obviously), has great friends who've totally accepted me. And she seems to think I'm pretty great, too. But this constant stream of other guys, leads me to believe she's really looking for something else despite what she may say.

 

Yeahhhhh... don't be stupid here.

 

You just came out of a divorce, and you are setting yourself up for another one (if she ever would marry you).

 

I am sure this woman is great, funny, passionate, and fun to be with. But the truth is she doesn't want to be monogamous. She may think you are great, but not great enough to be faithful to.

 

After six months of dating someone, you should know whether you are ready to be exclusive or not. She obviously isn't.

 

This is one of those situations where you have to use your head, not your heart.

 

You say yourself that she is needy for male attention, so if she WERE to stop seeing other guys and just commit to you, how long before she'd start itching to flirt with a new guy? How long before she'd fall in love easily with someone else? By getting serious with someone like her, you'd be setting yourself up for failure before you even started.

 

So your choices are to continue sleeping with her, knowing it is just fun and is leading nowhere, or to break it off and move on.

 

And make SURE you use condoms!

[Reuben Kinkaid]

Yeahhhhh... don't be stupid here.

 

You just came out of a divorce, and you are setting yourself up for another one (if she ever would marry you).

 

I am sure this woman is great, funny, passionate, and fun to be with. But the truth is she doesn't want to be monogamous. She may think you are great, but not great enough to be faithful to.

 

After six months of dating someone, you should know whether you are ready to be exclusive or not. She obviously isn't.

 

This is one of those situations where you have to use your head, not your heart.

 

You say yourself that she is needy for male attention, so if she WERE to stop seeing other guys and just commit to you, how long before she'd start itching to flirt with a new guy? How long before she'd fall in love easily with someone else? By getting serious with someone like her, you'd be setting yourself up for failure before you even started.

 

So your choices are to continue sleeping with her, knowing it is just fun and is leading nowhere, or to break it off and move on.

 

And make SURE you use condoms!

 

Thanks. Just needed to hear someone else say it.

[seachangeoflove]

I have been in non monogomous relationships...they were not 'open' like you are describing but more just casual dating. Even so, I would never tell share details like that. It's just rude and disrepectful and frankly TMI.

 

When you are with someone, be with them....even if you are going to be with someone else tomorrow. As long as they know that you are not exclusive that is ALL they need to know, and frankly it's all I want to know either.

 

 

honestly, I can't imagine having sex with a man and still telling him details of my other partners. Ew! And I am someone who will date multiple people!

 

 

 

Do you think she's getting off on watching you squirm when she tells you the gory details? To me that is a sign of cruelty. One of my biggest dealbreakers is taking pleasure in the suffering of others.

 

She is being inconsiderate to your feelings, even if you are in an open relationship. I would walk away.

[FitChick]

I wonder what precipitated her divorce. If it was infidelity on her part, she's not about to change for you.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

I have been in non monogomous relationships...they were not 'open' like you are describing but more just casual dating. Even so, I would never tell share details like that. It's just rude and disrepectful and frankly TMI.

 

When you are with someone, be with them....even if you are going to be with someone else tomorrow. As long as they know that you are not exclusive that is ALL they need to know, and frankly it's all I want to know either.

 

 

honestly, I can't imagine having sex with a man and still telling him details of my other partners. Ew! And I am someone who will date multiple people!

 

 

 

Do you think she's getting off on watching you squirm when she tells you the gory details? To me that is a sign of cruelty. One of my biggest dealbreakers is taking pleasure in the suffering of others.

 

She is being inconsiderate to your feelings, even if you are in an open relationship. I would walk away.

 

I don't think she's getting off on in it or doing so purposely to inflict pain. I have no room to talk - I've slept with others too, while we've been dating. I just don't share a whole lot.

 

She truly is blind to many boundaries in her life. I've seen it in other circumstances completely unrelated to our relationship. That kind of freedom was exceptionally refreshing for me having just been in a monogamous, cold, unfeeling marriage for many years. But I can see it's also capable of biting her you in the ass.

 

Thanks for your input.

[Oxy Moronovich]

I've not posted in awhile.

Yeah, I noticed that. For a long time now people here have been constantly asking, "Where the hell is Reuben Kinkaid? Our lives are meaningless without his posts.

I'm now happily divorced and though the split was mostly amicable,

Great, yer happily divorced. How different is that from happily married? And tell me, how would you define "mostly amicable"? 51% amicable and 49% hostile? Or 60% amicable and 40% hostile?

we certainly had our moments as I imagine every couple does.

You imagine wrong.

I'm doing well, much better really.

Who cares?

Our previous marriage counselor even said she felt I no longer needed her assistance,

*claps hands* Congrats.

that I'd progressed to real sanity.

What the hell is "real sanity"? Is it different from "fake sanity"?

But this post is not about my divorce.

You don't say.

It's about post divorce dating.

Is "post divorce dating" different from "pre divorce dating"?

This is rambling. But suffice to say, I really like this woman - she's great, funny, always makes me happy, is pretty, smart, loves sex (obviously), has great friends who've totally accepted me. And she seems to think I'm pretty great, too. But this constant stream of other guys, leads me to believe she's really looking for something else despite what she may say.

Stick around in the dating game long enough and you'll learn to be wary of chicks with dozens of "guy friends".

[Reuben Kinkaid]

I wonder what precipitated her divorce. If it was infidelity on her part, she's not about to change for you.

 

It was not infidelity on her part, I'm certain of that. But every other problem in the book it sounds: Domestic abuse, addictions - her ex's not hers - and his infidelity actually.

 

I don't really want to change her, I just don't want her to share everything and I also wish I didn't squirm when she says she's going out with someone. And I don't squirm every time. Just some guys, some times. If I could determine what it is, I'd be set.

[Reuben Kinkaid]

Yeah, I noticed that. For a long time now people here have been constantly asking, "Where the hell is Reuben Kinkaid? Our lives are meaningless without his posts.

 

Great, yer happily divorced. How different is that from happily married? And tell me, how would you define "mostly amicable"? 51% amicable and 49% hostile? Or 60% amicable and 40% hostile?

 

You imagine wrong.

 

Who cares?

 

*claps hands* Congrats.

 

What the hell is "real sanity"? Is it different from "fake sanity"?

 

You don't say.

 

Is "post divorce dating" different from "pre divorce dating"?

 

Stick around in the dating game long enough and you'll learn to be wary of chicks with dozens of "guy friends".

 

Jeez. You sound like a real catch.

[seachangeoflove]

I don't think she's getting off on in it or doing so purposely to inflict pain. I have no room to talk - I've slept with others too, while we've been dating. I just don't share a whole lot.

 

She truly is blind to many boundaries in her life. I've seen it in other circumstances completely unrelated to our relationship. That kind of freedom was exceptionally refreshing for me having just been in a monogamous, cold, unfeeling marriage for many years. But I can see it's also capable of biting her you in the ass.

 

Thanks for your input.

 

 

how do you feel when you are with the others? Are you thinking of her? Are you only with them because she is not available to you? When in public do you only have eyes for each other? That's when I know it's time to either piss or get off the pot. Ask for exclusivity and be prepared to walk if you don't get it.

 

 

If you want to continue to see other girls then you need to have a stern talk with her about boundaries. Don't ask don't tell is a good policy.

 

 

example..a while back I was dating a man casually. I knew I wanted nothing more with him than casual dating and sex. I also let him know that I was not in the market for a boyfriend.

 

He agreed to our terms but after 2 months he started grilling me "are you dating others???" I said "yes, you know we aren't bf/gf..."

 

he continued to press for details and I didn't respond, I told him "I am with you right now, who cares about yesterday or tomorrow. Think of tonight!!"

 

So he let it go, but then he started telling me how he was meeting all these girls in bars. and getting numbers and sexual details...I think he wanted to make me jealous?

 

 

I told him while I undderstand we are not exclusive and he can do what he wants, that doesn't mwan i want to hear about it. And when we are together, I don't talk about other men and I'd appreciate that in return.

 

 

 

Well, he didn't like that either and begged me to be my gf and I had to let him go....If I liked him more, I'd probably have been his gf at the start.

 

oh well, he wasn't that good in bed

[seachangeoflove]

Yeah, I noticed that. For a long time now people here have been constantly asking, "Where the hell is Reuben Kinkaid? Our lives are meaningless without his posts.

 

Great, yer happily divorced. How different is that from happily married? And tell me, how would you define "mostly amicable"? 51% amicable and 49% hostile? Or 60% amicable and 40% hostile?

 

You imagine wrong.

 

Who cares?

 

*claps hands* Congrats.

 

What the hell is "real sanity"? Is it different from "fake sanity"?

 

You don't say.

 

Is "post divorce dating" different from "pre divorce dating"?

 

Stick around in the dating game long enough and you'll learn to be wary of chicks with dozens of "guy friends".

 

 

u mad bro?

[Reuben Kinkaid]

how do you feel when you are with the others? Are you thinking of her? Are you only with them because she is not available to you? When in public do you only have eyes for each other? That's when I know it's time to either piss or get off the pot. Ask for exclusivity and be prepared to walk if you don't get it.

 

 

If you want to continue to see other girls then you need to have a stern talk with her about boundaries. Don't ask don't tell is a good policy.

 

 

example..a while back I was dating a man casually. I knew I wanted nothing more with him than casual dating and sex. I also let him know that I was not in the market for a boyfriend.

 

He agreed to our terms but after 2 months he started grilling me "are you dating others???" I said "yes, you know we aren't bf/gf..."

 

he continued to press for details and I didn't respond, I told him "I am with you right now, who cares about yesterday or tomorrow. Think of tonight!!"

 

So he let it go, but then he started telling me how he was meeting all these girls in bars. and getting numbers and sexual details...I think he wanted to make me jealous?

 

 

I told him while I undderstand we are not exclusive and he can do what he wants, that doesn't mwan i want to hear about it. And when we are together, I don't talk about other men and I'd appreciate that in return.

 

 

 

Well, he didn't like that either and begged me to be my gf and I had to let him go....If I liked him more, I'd probably have been his gf at the start.

 

oh well, he wasn't that good in bed

 

Everyone I've been with has known the deal - that they are my secondaries and my girlfriend is my primary. Which has worked because they were in the exact same situation. When I've been with others, I've enjoyed the moment but was cognizant it was only that - a moment.

 

In public, we're extremely lovey-dovey. More so than I've been with anyone in years. She's attached to her cell phone, I'm not so much. But that's rarely bothered me as she's like that in all situations with everyone. Her friends chide her for it. She's taken calls from other gentlemen even when we're together, but asked my permission. She's offered to let me read all her texts, to show she has nothing to hide, though I've declined. She's read mine, though I was a bit reluctant when she first did that.

 

I'm not sure I want exclusivity, necessarily, but believe I could handle it better. I'm just a little baffled by the frantic jumping from one person to the next she seems to exhibit. As far as don't ask, don't tell. I guess that's most realistic, but I don't mind knowing. I just don't want so much.

 

Thanks for your input!

[pteromom]

I just don't want her to share everything and I also wish I didn't squirm when she says she's going out with someone.

 

I think you are well within your rights to ask her not to tell you the details of dates with other guys.

 

As far as squirming about certain guys - what do those guys have in common that the others don't have? If you figure that out, you'll have your answer. Perhaps they are the guys who you feel she could fall for...