Cold Feet

[CupcakeCrisis]

I'm getting married next spring and I admit that I am getting cold feet.

 

We've been together almost 4 years, I'm happy. But I do have to admit he's only my second boyfriend - I'm in my mid 20s - and the first relationship was pretty awful. He's the only sexual partner I've ever had. I am wondering about what else is out there.

 

I feel like a complete part of my life is over now - well, truthfully, it is. The "Who will I ultimately be with?" question is answered. The hot guys I pass? Never going to happen.

 

It's not that I don't love my partner - but before, much of my romantic life was still up in the air. It didn't bother me as much when I wasn't engaged that I might never sleep with someone else. I never knew what would happen in the future. Now that chapter's closing, done and gone. This is IT.

 

I just got engaged last week and I know that this experience is very common for people.

 

At the same time, I don't really want to be with anyone else. For as much as I sit and fantasize about sleeping with someone else, the reality would be much more awkward and uncomfortable. It always seems and feels better inside my head.

 

Part of me knows that it's just been a very crazy week - freshly engaged, wedding planning, etc. - it's been a complete mental shift. At the end of the day, I know that my boyfriend is good to me, he's funny, generous, kind, and we enjoy our time together. He's very supportive and helpful. I know that I care about him. And despite the times I've sat there and wondered about leaving and experiencing other people - ultimately those daydreams always involve going right back to him.

 

I guess right now I'm in a period of 'mourning' - mourning the loss of my single life, mourning all of the possibilities that will die out when I get married, etc. I am fearful of getting married - not because I'm 'not ready,' for what it's worth.

 

I guess I just wonder - what happens after that? Will we still love each other in 30, 40, 50 years? Will we be like all of those married couples I've met - the ones who can barely tolerate each other? Will we have children and grow to be strangers to one another? I know I'm not my parents, but the thought of being stuck in a situation like that sounds awful.

 

Did anyone else have feelings like this before they married? Any advice?

[TigerCub]

Hey Cupcake,

 

I am not even sure I can give you good advice on this.

I've never been married and yes, the idea of forever scares me.

 

But, I noticed that you said you were mourning the loss of your single life, which I can imagine and understand.

 

But maybe, instead of mourning what was, you can shift your focus to actually thinking about what could be - what the journey you and your finace are going on.

 

Just because the "singles" window is closing, doesn't mean that you don't have a whole door leading to a deep connection, adventures, maybe kids and a family together - you have so many possibilities together to look forward to.

 

Did you and your finace ever consider doing premarital counseling?

I hear that that is actually a really helpful thing for married couples to be.

I would do it - its supposed to help you both talk about issues that will come up with marriage and make sure you are on the same page.

 

Congrats on the engagement.

Don't feel bad about your cold feet, just be honest with yourself about all the reasons why you have those feelings and if you think the marriage commitment is for you.

[Woggle]

Dump him before you break his heart.

[It's Just Me]

Cupcake, I remember those post-engagement days. What you're feeling is totally normal - I went through it myself. He sounds like a great guy. My brother and his wife got married in their early 20s, and they're still together, three kids and 20 years later.

 

The other possibilties that are also dying out for you are a string of broken hearts, dreams unfulfilled, and a biological clock that ticks for no one... LOL! If your honey is that awesome to you, grab onto him and don't let him go. You have a rare and precious gift.

 

Congrats, and be happy. Take these wonderful days just one at a time, and savour them. What counts is NOW.

[Els]

Umm, weren't you the one who set a silent ultimatum for your bf to propose, and the only reason you're still with him is because he proposed the DAY before your ultimatum was over?

 

This is exactly what I meant, and foresaw, in that thread, IMO. You did not think about the reality of marriage and what it entails when you were making up deadlines in your head. It was clear as day that you were just seeing it as a goal to achieve, and not the beginning of a journey together. Now that you have gotten 'what you want' and the reality of it is setting in, you begin to realize that you have not thought all that carefully about it previously, only that you knew you wanted to get married because your family was making fun of your relationship with your bf and everyone else you knew was getting married.

 

My personal opinion is that when you come to a stage when you had already decided that you're going to break up with him unless he 'proposes by tomorrow', and all that saved your relationship was a day, I really don't think you're in love with him. I'm not saying this to hurt you. I genuinely think that you would do yourself a disservice to continue down this road. Please think about it.

[veggirl]

I agree completely with Elswyth. I don't think you want to marry this man, it was just time for you because of how long you'd been together.

 

You have listed all these "good on paper" traits your BF possess, and said that you know you care for him. Are you in love with him? Or he is a security blanket that you have gotten used to having around?

 

Now I've never been married or engaged, but I can't imagine the WEEK OF the engagement feeling anything but on Cloud 9.

[Got it]

Cupcake, I too went through a similar experience. I married my high school sweetheart so I had never had sex with anyone else. We broke up alot in college due to fighting, etc. but always got back together again as (I recognized later) some definite codependency issues between us. I had the same feelings that he had all these wonderful traits and how I would love to freeze him, put him on a shelf and go experience things and come back again! I knew that wasn't realistic and he was "a great catch" so why risk it? I knew I wasn't completely satisfied in the relationship but it was good enough so why rock the boat.

 

Well we married and the same issues that were there prior to the marriage compounded in the marriage. He always remained this great guy but just not the right guy for me. For me, those warning bells stayed consistent and ones I should have listened to instead of playing it safe. He was a security blanket for me and while we had a great friendship, what I have learned now, is there is so much more to a great relationship than just the friendship piece.

 

Think long and hard about what you want and what your feelings truly are for the relationship. Is he the right person for you or is it just at the "next step" for you? I recommend couples counseling for you two to make sure that the relationship is on strong footing and that you are both sure about this decision prior to walking down the aisle.

 

I wish it was harder to get married for individuals as I think it is hard to "know what you don't know" and many are unprepared for maturity and emotional fortitude it takes to have a healthy marriage. As a society we don't invest enough in teaching people how to be healthy in a marriage/partnership and working on the foundation in the beginning than scrambling to keep it together at the end.

[zengirl]

I just got engaged last week and I know that this experience is very common for people.

 

Is it? Unmarried people always say it is, but most of the marrieds I know never expressed such doubts. A little bit of apprehension? Sure. It's a big promise and for a lot of people (not me - just a quick courthouse trip!) includes a huge stressful carefully planned party. But mourning? Naw, not really. I don't think mourning one's single life is really the natural phenomenon rom-coms would have you believe it is. I think if you've found the right person, it all clicks --- not in a logical "I know he's right for me" way like you describe, which does sound more "good on paper" as others have said, but in a holistic, happy way.

 

I didn't feel any real fear or mourning when I got married. If I had, I wouldn't have gotten married, TBH.

[CupcakeCrisis]

Thinking about the reality of getting married - and then experiencing it - are two different things. Of course I thought about the reality of marriage. But it's the same as thinking about anything else that's abstract - having children, going to college, etc. Until you're actually faced with it, what you think about it is only part of the puzzle.

 

I mentioned others making comments and the like just because those were other stressors happening on the relationship at the time - that's not the reason that I wanted to marry him. Yes, I was prepared to leave the relationship over him not proposing - because as I saw it, I wasn't getting what I wanted and needed out of the relationship. No hard feelings, but no sense either in wasting our time if we ultimately wanted two different paths.

 

I don't see the point of staying indefinitely in a relationship when you feel you would like to get married, and the relationship is not going in that direction, but you stay simply so you don't encounter comments like those here - the variety that reek of, "If you were going to leave over marriage, obviously you don't love him." No. I do love him. But I also recognized that it was a big need that couldn't go on unfulfilled.

 

It's the same as if I wanted kids, and he didn't. The same as if I wanted to settle in San Francisco but he wouldn't budge from the Midwest. Ultimately, those are two strong, opposing goals. If a compromise can't be met from either side - and even then, SHOULD a compromise be settled upon if it means one partner's going to be very unhappy - then what else do you have to do but break-up? I wouldn't tell someone in those situations that they're 'obviously not in love' - I would say that they have opposing views that will ultimately result in conflict.

 

veggirl, you say yourself you've never been engaged or married. From my reading, experiencing cold feet is common - including the week of the engagement. We've already planned several details of the wedding. I know plenty of couples who, several weeks or months into their engagement, still haven't planned it. So it's still a nebulous state of being with a big rock on their finger to show their friends rather than the beginning of the rest of their lives.

 

In essence, sure, I'm still with him 'just because he proposed the day before' my deadline. But that would seem to imply I'd marry just ANYONE because they're there or because it's been a few years, etc. - and that's simply not true.

 

But mostly, after this long diatribe, I think my first paragraph sums it up. People want to jump on the "You didn't think about it!" bandwagon. Total difference between "I think..." based on past experiences, and "I know..." based on what you're currently experiencing.

 

I can say right now that if I have a big presentation tomorrow, I'd feel X, Y and Z. During the presentation, the feeling is generally not what you thought it would be. Just my two cents.

[CupcakeCrisis]

Is it? Unmarried people always say it is, but most of the marrieds I know never expressed such doubts.

 

Because it's a "dirty little secret." Polls usually show that most brides and to a lesser extent grooms have big fears about getting married.

 

But no one who's getting married wants to admit it to family, friends, etc. It looks like a sign of weakness and most people would probably feel guilty expressing it. "I'm marrying this guy, yet I'm uneasy or uncertain about this."

[Els]

OP, I distinctly recall a post where you said, "Even if he were to propose now, I don't think I would accept, after all of this" (this referring to actions of his that frustrated you).

 

Really, it's your decision. We can only give you our opinions. Leave or stay, marry or not, you'll be the one living with it.

[zengirl]

Because it's a "dirty little secret." Polls usually show that most brides and to a lesser extent grooms have big fears about getting married.

 

But no one who's getting married wants to admit it to family, friends, etc. It looks like a sign of weakness and most people would probably feel guilty expressing it. "I'm marrying this guy, yet I'm uneasy or uncertain about this."

 

If you say so. I've never seen proper statistical data that supports it -- it seems more a pop culture thesis to me. Which is not to say that brides don't get nervous, but not in the manner you described, IMO. And grooms definitely get nervous before proposals (who wouldn't be? That **** is scary! She could say no).

[TigerCub]

If you say so. I've never seen proper statistical data that supports it -- it seems more a pop culture thesis to me. Which is not to say that brides don't get nervous, but not in the manner you described, IMO. And grooms definitely get nervous before proposals (who wouldn't be? That **** is scary! She could say no).

 

or worse yet, she could say yes

kidding