no end date [long post]

[Aquamelon]

This week has been horrible. My SO had expressed to me a couple of weeks ago that he needed more time with his friends, I told him that was perfectly alright. I just have 2 simple 'rules': no girls and text me once in a while to keep me posted. I thought things would be fine now... except of course they got worse. Our end date was March 2013. He is moving from NV to NJ to be with me or at least that was the plan all along. On Sunday, he told me he doesn't want to move here. It took hours of back and forth to "convince" him to think of it as moving here to give us a try for 3 months there is no commitment to stay here forever or anything after 3 months if he doesn't love me enough to stay. He agreed to this. I spent the whole night thinking about it and feeling horrible because I realized this wasn't what he wanted, I had just talked him into it.

 

Last night we talked, I told him I needed to hear him say he's in love with me and wants to be with me. He couldn't. I told him if he couldn't say it then he needed to tell me that we need to break up. He couldn't do that either. We both cried for hours. We have only seen each other once and that was over 80 days ago, we have 23 days until we see each other again. He told me he knows the minute he sees me again, he'll feel everything again but he's afraid of what will happen after that. Another 65 days until we see each other and in between that time we'll feel like we do right now all over again. We agreed that was need to step it down a notch. Right now we'd see each other on webcam at least 4/7 days a week, in the beginning of our relationship we'd only see each other once a week. So we'd go back to doing it only once a week but continue talking before bedtime and falling asleep together on the phone. He will also be spending more time with his friends without me feeling upset over it. We said we would focus on the right now and think about how we are seeing each other in 23 days. At the end of the night, he told me is in love with me and that he doesn't want to lose me. And thanked me for not giving up on our relationship.

 

But now... we have no end date.

 

Without an end date I feel crushed. I understand we promised each other too much too soon. But I need him to move out to be with me some time next year and he knows this yet he's unable to give me the commitment. This is yet another day where I find myself in tears. I feel like we're fooling ourselves into thinking this will work out without being able to have an end date. Maybe I'm jumping ahead of myself again too soon. But I don't know what to do or feel at this point.

 

Please any help right now would be amazing. I'm tired of breaking down every 5 minutes into tears.

[january2011]

How long have you been together? When did you decide on the move and timing of March 2013 from NV to NJ?

 

You'd both agreed to the plans - at least it seemed that he agreed. That suggests that either something changed his mind or his agreement was not worth the paper it was printed on. That is, he said to make you happy but deep down was not ready to make the leap.

 

You need to find out from him what he wants for the two of you: how he sees the two of you ending up together in the same place (where?) and when. Then see if it matches your plans. If not, then I think you're going to have to decide whether there's potential to compromise (timing and location). Otherwise, you're not on the same page and it's probably better to end it here rather than drag it out until it gets really ugly.

 

Edit: Okay, I see that you posted a similar thread a few weeks ago and you mentioned his doubts.Y ou need to have an honest and calm heart-to-heart with him. Find out what's going on. It looks like he's resolute and doesn't want to make the move. This means that the only way your relationship can survive is if you move over there. If you're not willing to do that, then it looks like it's not going to work out.

Edited June 26, 2012 by january2011

[Aquamelon]

We have been together for 5 months, we made these plans about 2 months into our relationship. I cannot move out there, it's just not possible. He knew this from the very beginning. I think when he agreed to move to NJ, it was "easy" to say. But with the months passing by, it seems like he "forgot" the feelings. I mean we have been in a relationship for a short amount of time and have only seen each other once. So I understand that it's a huge commitment for a girl he's only been with for a few months.

 

I asked him and told him without him moving here how can we have a relationship. His answer is he doesn't know.

 

I feel like we've talked about moving too soon. But now with everything that has happened, how do I know when it will be okay to even talk about it again.

[january2011]

I'm really sorry. From experience, a guy who says that he, "doesn't know" is stalling. He doesn't want to say what he really thinks because he doesn't want to make you unhappy. Equally though, he doesn't want to make himself unhappy. And unfortunately, making the move is likely to make him unhappy because he'd be leaving his job and friends, both of which are holding him to his current location. So you're now at a stalemate. Since you cannot move to him, then it seems that the only way out of this is to end it.

[Aquamelon]

I had a nice long talk with him. I expressed the feelings I was having and how heartbroken I feel without having an end date or a plan for the future anymore. I asked him if he thinks he could ever move out here, he told me he couldn't tell me yes or no right now as it is far too soon to think about (again we have only been dating 5 months and have seen each other once). I told him that was a far answer and a much better one than saying no.

 

I also told him that moving here was important in order for us to take our relationship to the next level but that we didn't have to stay in Jersey, if we were to become "serious" (as in engaged) I would be willing to move back with him at that point. He said he didn't know I would ever consider doing that and seemed honestly happy. I then told him that without an end date it would mean both of us making trips to see each other every 2 months and asked him if he would be willing/okay with that. He said "I think so, yeah" I asked if he hesitated because of the expense of the trips (about $550 each time) and he said yes that worried him. But since for right now there is no other way we could do it.

 

The next big fear of mine was that we'd continue our relationship and the trips back and forth and then sometime next year he'd tell me he was ready to move to be with me but then we'd have no money and would have to wait longer to be together. He agreed that we could continue with our original plan to save est. $200 a month. Neither one of us will bring this topic up again for a while, it's a matter of trusting each other to save and in a couple of months we could discuss how much we have saved.

 

The last thing we discussed was religion. I'm not religious at all and he is Mormon. I told him something I had kinda just kept to myself because I figured it wasn't a big deal. For the past few months, I researched his religion and have been trying to learn more about it. I told him I had spent nearly 2 hours talking to Mormon missionaries and that we'd had a very nice conversation and that in the future if we were to become serious I would considering converting if he wanted me to. The sound of his voice when I told him all this was like total shock and he told me "I'm not gonna lie it makes me really happy to hear you say all this".

 

Overall I don't think I am being foolish or anything. It's just very hard on me to kind of backtrack to a simpler relationship with him. Yet another day I find myself crying and I think it's just due to the lack of strong commitment.

[january2011]

It sounds like you've resolved some issues but are not able to put this behind you completely. All I can advise is that you keep re-evaluating the situation on a regular basis (whatever regular means for you both).

 

I'd also suggest that you look for other ways to take your mind off this until it's time to review again. Taking a deeper interest in your friendships and hobbies might give your mind and heart a breather from focusing too much on your relationship.

[Els]

As someone who moved to be with a bf, I personally understand his fears. 5 months is really too soon to make that sort of decision, especially if you have only ever met IRL once. I would not do that, nor would I be able to give a guaranteed answer as to when I would, at that point in time.

 

My suggestion is to hold off on persuading him to move, continue with the trips, save up money any way you can. Saving on trips is really not a good reason to rush a decision like this.

[Aquamelon]

I know I'm in need of some more friendships and hobbies to take my mind off things. Because I can't lie, the relationship is all I think about all day. I'm happy we are giving each other some more space on a daily basis. I feel my insecurities are making the minimal contact we have feel forced and awkward.

 

Only 22 days left. I hope seeing each other after 3 long months will help us remember why we are holding on to each other in the first place.

[pettie]

While I think it is good a good thing to have a general idea about the possibilities for the future, I also think that deciding on *moving* after 5 months into any relationship is way too soon. It implies a radical change in lifestyle, jobs, social circles, family interaction, etc. I am not doubting his commitment to you, but perhaps (or well, obviously by his backing off) he is not in the same page as you. I'd honestly let it rest for a while. Because of that, about engagement, I wouldn't bring it up unless he does, because you have already stated that being in his city requires fulfilling *your* conditions. He may be happy about the outcome (being in his city), but the thought of having to marry you (after being only 5/6 months in a relationship) to get it to happen could become "heavy" and make him change his mind again, as he already did.

 

About finances: I am sorry, but your plan of saving $ 200 won't be enough. You have probably gone through this already, but still: Assuming you alternate trips. You go 6 times in a year and spend $3300 total. You save $200 each month, and end up with $2400. Same for him. You will both be digging into your savings to fund the visits, and this is flights only, not considering food, leisure, etc. If you spend a year like this, he is sure to be worried about moving again as he'd probably need to get a job first (that can take a while) unless both of you have other sufficient savings/funds/income or you have a job that will allow you to support him for a while (IF he is comfortable with that!).

 

By spacing visits to every 3 or 4 months, you'll be blue in finances (although still short). I know it is painful but making such life-changing decisions require careful thinking, and a lot of patience.

 

IMO, you are planning for all this to happen too soon. I think you are demanding a bit too much. He might try to make it work but don't be surprised if he doesnt...

 

I don't know about your current situation except what you have stated here. Unless you have a better plan or else, I don't think this is going to work (the moving process, not your relationship).

 

I am sorry but sometimes we have to sacrifice a bit in order to get to the goal.

 

All the best.

[spareohs]

I know I'm in need of some more friendships and hobbies to take my mind off things. Because I can't lie, the relationship is all I think about all day. I'm happy we are giving each other some more space on a daily basis. I feel my insecurities are making the minimal contact we have feel forced and awkward.

 

Only 22 days left. I hope seeing each other after 3 long months will help us remember why we are holding on to each other in the first place.

 

I think a lot of us can relate to what you're going through. There's that crazy gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach after not hearing from them for an hour or two. It leads to checking your cell phone every 30 seconds, to being angry or upset if they do something else besides talk to you because it feels like they aren't making you a priority. I know I have to constantly pace myself, because when I get a message from him, I want to answer it immediately, but no one wants to feel smothered. You have to give your SO some time away from you so they can miss you. You need to have hobbies and activities outside of each other so that you can have something to connect over. I, like you, think about my relationship all day long, and I totally understand where you're coming from with the insecurity. If he's out with his friends on Saturday, I'm always half convinced that he's going to bump into someone prettier, nicer, etc. and realize that he doesn't need me after all. It's unrealistic, but it's girl logic. It's just learning how to handle such emotions in a healthy way.

 

You need to be considerate of your partner's needs, and they need to be considerate of yours. My boyfriend realizes that I'm a bit needy sometimes, and makes a real effort to skype with me 4-5 times a week. I know that he's very social, and in a band, so I know that weekends aren't the best time to be contacting him. Still, it's a relationship, and it needs to be organic, not forced.

 

Communication is the best thing I can recommend, but from reading your other posts, it seems like he may be feeling just a little overwhelmed and smothered with everything. That's fair, moving across the country is no small task, and while I'm sure you're in the same camp as me and would like to have everything planned out to the last detail months ahead of time, sometimes it's just not practical.

 

From someone who has been in your place, believe me when I say that your life will be much more peaceful and balanced if you have your own hobbies or interests that keep you busy when your SO isn't around. You shouldn't be putting your life on hold for anyone. He will appreciate that you're being independent and multifaceted, and you'll make some friends or learn something new in the process.

[Aquamelon]

While I think it is good a good thing to have a general idea about the possibilities for the future, I also think that deciding on *moving* after 5 months into any relationship is way too soon. It implies a radical change in lifestyle, jobs, social circles, family interaction, etc. I am not doubting his commitment to you, but perhaps (or well, obviously by his backing off) he is not in the same page as you. I'd honestly let it rest for a while. Because of that, about engagement, I wouldn't bring it up unless he does, because you have already stated that being in his city requires fulfilling *your* conditions. He may be happy about the outcome (being in his city), but the thought of having to marry you (after being only 5/6 months in a relationship) to get it to happen could become "heavy" and make him change his mind again, as he already did.

 

About finances: I am sorry, but your plan of saving $ 200 won't be enough. You have probably gone through this already, but still: Assuming you alternate trips. You go 6 times in a year and spend $3300 total. You save $200 each month, and end up with $2400. Same for him. You will both be digging into your savings to fund the visits, and this is flights only, not considering food, leisure, etc. If you spend a year like this, he is sure to be worried about moving again as he'd probably need to get a job first (that can take a while) unless both of you have other sufficient savings/funds/income or you have a job that will allow you to support him for a while (IF he is comfortable with that!).

 

By spacing visits to every 3 or 4 months, you'll be blue in finances (although still short). I know it is painful but making such life-changing decisions require careful thinking, and a lot of patience.

 

IMO, you are planning for all this to happen too soon. I think you are demanding a bit too much. He might try to make it work but don't be surprised if he doesnt...

 

I don't know about your current situation except what you have stated here. Unless you have a better plan or else, I don't think this is going to work (the moving process, not your relationship).

 

I am sorry but sometimes we have to sacrifice a bit in order to get to the goal.

 

All the best.

 

I made sure not to say the words engaged as a condition for me moving out to be with him. I just simply said if we were to become serious and take our relationship to a higher level. I didn't wanna bring up marriage because I know it is something he's not ready for.

 

I'm able to save the $200 a month and put aside money for the trip. So I'm able to visit him without having to touch any of the funds laid aside for him moving here. I know it's not as easy for him. So you're right. This isn't a permanent solution but it's enough of a plan to get us through the next few months. The way it is now is: July I go, September I go, November he comes. That is all we have in mind right now. I think by November or I hope by then we'll have a more clear understanding of where we stand and what we want from each other.

 

Thank you for your advice <3

 

I'm so nervous about hearing from him tonight. Trying to keep a stiff upper lip and no more tears.

[pettie]

No problem!

 

I really hope everything turns out alright. I know it's hard - all of us in a LDR go through this phase (albeit in different intensity and therefore different reactions).

 

At the beginning, I was also quite stressed - most of us, women, want to have it all more or less planned. I understood that this atitude was only going to get me more stress and uncertainty instead of the clarity I wanted. So I stopped worrying (much ). Now, he is the one doing most of the talking about our future together.

 

I am not saying that you should just "let it be"; it will all fall into place, gradually, with time, without rushing into plans that are not going to be sustainable afterwards. Of course, you can't wait forever, and it's good to have your thoughts in order but just don't push to hard on this. I think, from what you said, that he will be the one to come to you with this topic later, just give him some more time. First get to the bridge, both of you, and then worry about how you are going to cross it.

 

Be strong for him, but, be strong especially for yourself.

[FitChick]

That's the good thing about long distance relationships. It separates the men from the boys, the serious from the timewasters. Cut your losses, heal and find someone better.

[skakitty]

I just wanted to give thanks to Pettie for the great advice on this thread. It's really nice to know that i'm not isolated in being insecure about the amount of contact.

 

I talked to my long distance bf about this and how I feel upset if I don't hear from him for a few days and how i worry about his feelings for me, and he said "wow.. if i don't hear from you, i am assuming that everything is great between us because the last time we spoke, we told each other we loved each other, and we're both just busy"

 

So it really showed me the differences in how our minds work! i have tried to be more chilled out, keep myself busy, and then when I do think of him, it's in a nice way rather than an anxious way. This does not always work, i'll admit.. nights and weekends are the hardest >_< but... i am feeling more confident within myself to be able to be independent but still attached to someone.

 

I wish you luck, let us know how things progress!

[Aquamelon]

The last few days since our big talk have been feeling so forced and awkward to a certain extent. Maybe it's just me making things worse. Yesterday was so weird. We had a commitment in game so we had to be on usually when we have to "raid" (raid's usually last 2 hours) we talk on skype. I didn't want him to feel like he had to so I didn't tell him to call me, he did anyway. He had already told me he was extremely tired and had a exhausting day at work and I could honestly tell by the sound of his voice he didn't want to be playing the game. I tried small simple chit-chat which he responded too but there were a lot of silent moments which would have been fine if I felt we were truly fine with each other.

 

I couldn't stop myself and told him to be honest with me and asked him if he feels any better about our situation after our conversations this week. He said, "I don't know, I don't think so." I know it was wrong of me to ask him, heck it has only been like 2-3 days since the talk. I tried to play it off like it didn't hurt me and while giggling I asked him if he loved me, he said yes. So then I asked, still while giggling, asked if he was in love with me. He said, "I don't know right now". He said he was tired and it was a bad time to be asking but at the moment he just didn't know.

 

I didn't cry I kept my cool and just said I was sorry for asking since I knew he was really tired. After that the rest of the night was just filled with more long silences and idle chit-chat here and there. I told him I would talk to him tomorrow to which he got annoyed and told me "Don't start that, don't say that" since for the past 5 months we talk before bed/till we fall asleep together. I told him I didn't mean anything by it, just didn't know whether or not he wanted to call since he was tired. He laughed and said of course he would call. The phone conversation was minimal and short since I fell asleep rather quick which was probably for the best.

 

I feel like everything he is doing is forced. Like a random "Love you <3" text, feels empty-hearted. Everytime he says he loves me on the phone is only after I say it first (I know this makes me sound so middle-school teenager). I understand I have to be patient enough to hold out until we see each other and let our feelings for each other be renewed (just kind of fearing they won't be for him). In the meantime though I just want him to want to say and do these things with me like how he used to. Part of me feels like maybe he would want to be just friends but he knows that's something I can't do so he'd rather stay with me then lose me all together.

 

I want to give him space, like go a couple of days (maybe the entire weekend) without talking (not even our nightly calls which we have never missed a day). But I'm afraid that instead of him missing the contact with me, he'll be completely okay with going days without speaking to me.

 

This is how today/tonight will go: He'll be at work at 10am, text me "good morning" won't hear from him again till lunch at 4:30pm "hey babe on lunch. got *insert food here*", then he will get home at 7:30pm "home babe", there will be about 5 texts exchanged from 8:30pm and 11pm at which point I would tell him I was omw home at 1am I would call and we'd (mostly me) would fall asleep with him on the phone within 15 minutes. Cut out the texts from work and this will be our weekend as well. Silly me for thinking I was already giving him more than enough space >.>

 

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm whining or babbling. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have to say I'm happy to have found this place and be able to let this all off my chest with people who understand what I'm going through.

[skakitty]

I feel the same about the contact- being in a LDR is so tough! in previous relationships (the serious ones) have all been either local to me, or I have lived with my partner so communication was natural and easy. My boyfriend hardly ever initiates contact with me and I just about get a message on gchat, otherwise.. nothing. This is pretty normal for him though, not just a long distance thing, it's a ADD thing where he loses concentration and walks away in the middle of a IM conversation and he does it to everyone (I used to stay with him pretty much every weekend before he moved and I know this is the case)

 

It doesn't stop it from being frustrating though >_< I'm just the sort of person who could happily text someone all day and not get bored, and I love to send someone a message just because I know it makes them feel wanted, or to buy someone a small gift just because I know they will like it. I think the issue is, I have very good empathy and emotional intelligence and he.. having Aspergers and ADD, does not.. so we are not compatible in that sense.